Am I horrible?

AntiChew wrote: »

On the other hand, I'm 23, it's a Saturday night and I'm stuck in home, alone, while my OH is off enjoying a night out that I didn't go on because the last few have ended so badly and I didn't want to risk more abuse

I'm sorry to say bit this is terrible to read.
Really?
I mean you are 23, you really should be enjoying yourself and not going through what you do.
And they going out is okay, but you going out on your own is not?
C'mon OP, I'm sure by now you too know very well how wrong this is.
Don't put up with it, you do not have to.
Sometimes love is not enough.
And sometimes when after a while you turn around al you can ask yourself is why the hell did i stay that long in it.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

AntiChew wrote: »

I can garuntee, they don't. My father and I are very close and he would immediately say if he suspected something, and has done before in a previous relationship. He would be very vocal if he had any sense that something was off but it's the opposite, he absolutely adores my OH, always speaking about them and has a close relationship with them. I have no doubt he would believe me if I told him, but he would be in total shock.

You don't have to tell your parents what is going on, it would be perfectly normal if you say to your partner that you miss your family and want to go home for a week - they should understand since they asked from you to move with them back to their family haven't they for the same very reason.
Just go home for a week see your good friends, spend some time with your family and live a little - before you start your new employment. It can help you get back in contact with yourself also.

Perhaps do that before going to Au for 6 months etc, whichever escape you planned previously...

things like calling a help line - i dont really think thats needed. they are being controlling for sure, but rarely aggressive and from what OP says they arent worried about that aspect - I think they should go with their gut on that.

But then go with your gut on the other bits too - you know this isnt right. Fine, you love them. Fine, pick a good time. But some time in the next few days, get yourself some space and start to begin the process of extricating yourself from this. You know you need to or you wouldnt have posted here.

Best of luck x

I rarely comment on these things but browsing through this thread has me shaking my head to be honest. This is really awful stuff. I know you probably feel you've overblown your partner's antics on this thread and people are getting the wrong end of the stick etc but the fact remains the biggest thing that jumps out from your post is unhappiness. And not just dissatisfaction or annoyance, but a real deep unhappiness that is permeating every aspect of your life. You sound like you have been ground down and worn out. And you're 23. That's just so sad in my eyes.

You sound like you are living in a place you don't want to be, working in jobs that you don't want to be in, stuck in a town that offers you nothing and spending your leisure time babysitting someone who treats you badly. Is there anything about your situation that is making you happy? And by that I mean truly happy, not something you're able to tolerate?

Look, be honest with yourself. You know what you want to do and it isn't this. You could be in Australia working a great job, reconnecting with good friends, experiencing a fantastic quality of life, travel and adventure. Meeting new and interesting people and doing wonderful things. And this isn't a pipe dream either, this could be your reality. It can be done. Just reach out and do it. You know you will be fine.

There is just one hurdle you need to jump to have this happiness, and you won't jump it because you've been so ground down by life hitherto now. Please change this situation. Life is so much more than this.

As you are shoping to start a new job shortly just explain to your OH that you are going to catch up with family and friends, before starting. You can just say that you wont have a chance again for a while once you have work commitments. Meet your frienfs, enjoy their company, and compare that to the stressful circumstances you are feeling now. At the moment you are so close to the situation you can not see the woods from the trees. You owe it to yourself to have the best life possible for you, we all do. Decide what your goals in life are and what you need to persue those goals. Use the time away ro find the real you again. Best of luck on your journey.

My heart is scalded reading all of this - it's gone from the OP being really brave & telling us about their OH & how they have given up so much for love but want break and 6 months travelling & everone unanimously commenting how this OH sounds like an emotionally abusive manipulative person - all these strangers saying the same things -to the OP confronting/asking their OH about their behaviour only to be told it will be fixed in the future & now the dream is downgraded to perhaps two weeks away or now asking their OH if its ok to go home for a week or a few days. My heart is scaled reading all this.

They say the biggest step is finding the courage to leave. If your father/family knew the full range of how your OH was behaving and how much misery and stress this relationship has brought to you and how your OH is absolutely reaponsible for all this they would no longer have this huge respect and love for them. I suggest they would reach out and wrap you in the support and love you need and refuse to let you return, even for a minute. Nobody on this thread is talking about the one 'low level' incidence of violence which you are clinging to as being a once off and unimportant. Everybody is focusing on the controlling, mean spirited, emotionally abnormal and manipulative behaviours your OH is clearly happy to have a way of life. You are 23. You will get another job. Either the dole or your family or friends will let you couchsurf while you get a new job one, or before you travel. Skip this new job in this new isolated place you dislike with your OH - it will be just another obstacle to moving.don't be prolonging the agony by keeping journals ( for what/who ) - it will
Only make it worse as will staying for Christmas and all the broken promises and nonsense of the new year. Take control, and go.


Your OH is an emotional manipulator and an emotionally abusive person. An emotionally controlling person will not change. They characteristically keep their OH dangling for years - eroding their self esteem and confindence until there is nothing left and they are relied in as the sole means of value, 'friendship' and worth. The CLASSIC manoeveurs are isolating the person socially, isolating them from their old friends and isolating them from their families,being the fun fabulous loving person in company so that noone will believe you, making you ashamed ti admit what has happened to you while not giving anything huge enough to besmirch them
Totally, downplaying or not remembering incidents and allowing the OH to doubt themselves. Other classic characterics include Removing the partner
to a new location with no old support structures or allies who can see the change in them, and the classic - slow erroding of confidence by ongoing low level but toxic barbs and poisonous comments - oh - and threatening suicide or blaming you for future bad health if you leave. Sounds like your OH? Yes - ALL of this is your OH - that is why we are all so horrified for you.
S/he is a textbook manipulator.
They have erroded your self worth, damaged your career, erroded your opportunities and your belief in yourself and all your abilities to the point that you are now in total turmoil and your social life, finances, career and future are in shreds. You cannot even have a night out in company with them because you are afraid of how it will turn out. ( but they are down the pub/out being the life and soul with 'your' friends. You need to pack your few favourite things and leave. No more asking them or asking permission for a few days away . You DESERVE a happy, normal, laughter filled life - not this abnormality and peciular misery filled emptional and socially deprived subsistence where the person causing it is at its centre. -Go to a friends or family - sign on the dole if needed for a while (months not nights) before you get a new job or borrow from your family to travel to move. Mostly you need to simply stop facilitating her/his behaviour & making your situation worse by asking them permission or giving them the chance to make decisions for you. Is this the person who charged their way through college & got degrees and awards and was offered that rarest of things a permanent job in a career of your choice? That was based on your merit, abolities and lovely personality . You are not a facility for someone else . You do not deserve this awful existence. You do not deserve this misery and it is totally abnormal - particularly gor a 23 year old. If you must Love them from a diatance but move OUT. Let your OH family take care of them if they have so many special needs and health issues - and grasp your life and future with both hands, or you will miserable, controlled and treated as a facility for the rest of your life while your OH and their family has the life s/he wants. Are they so jealous of your achievements they have to destroy them all for you - friendships, simple pleasures, career, nightlife, social interactikns, sex? They are willing for you to hang around for the next 4 years while you and they move for their college while, they do a degree ( what have they been doing for the past 5 years) and while they get up to the standard you have already surpassed - all the while you make choices and sacrifices you don't want to , are are unhappy because of them. My heart is broken for you because I think from all the posts you have made following up peoples posts that despite the terrible sutuation you have slowly become embroiled in that s/he has you exactly where they want you and you will never leave and be like this, controlled, paralysed by fear and living in misery for the rest of your life if not the next 5-8 years, and by the time you finally leave them and get help you will have wasted your whole glorious twenties and thirties and your career and future on this person and then it will be too late - you will never get thise years back and it will be too late for you.

Follow your dreams. Don't ask permission. pack your most needed /cherished items and leave. Go back to your family - they will
Help and cherish you. Leave this controlling monster and have the life , happiness and future you deserve. Australia will be just what you need - 6
Months of friendship, happiness & fun and a whole new beginning.

Don't let this person ruin any more of your life or take any more of your happiness and dreams. By all means love them from a distance but as a memory of something that would have been good if all the parts had been in place to make the OH the person you deserve - considerate, kind, empathetic,loving, supportive, normal. S/he is moving on to follow their dreams and lufes goals and will find someone else to abuse or be left to realise how badly they have treated you. You deserve better than all of this. Just leave. No more asking or 'reasoning' or excuses. Have your life, follow your dreams and thrive - not survive.

double post

HiGlo wrote: »

double post

You can always just delete it, not sure you know that.

OP gid this is awful, you are so young and you have given up everything - your friends, your location for a man who doesnt want you to go out without him and cant come with you as he gets so drunk that he behaves like a brute. If this was our friend or sister what would you say to them? Be careful of telling yourself its okay, you are at risk of waking up at forty and realising you have spent seventeen years sitting in every evening in a boring routine missing out on adventures, groming apart from friends and losing yourself.

Take some time out