Am I horrible?

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 09:53PM

How about looking again at your first post here and going on from there?

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:54PM

Stheno wrote: »

Start with what you posted in your op

Thank you. Part of me is so disappointed in myself for letting it get this far, for commiting to a move and turning down my job and leaving the city where I had built a community and home for myself.

My OH promised me we'd be ok though, and that things would get better, but they just got worse.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 09:55PM

Don't beat yourself up over this. Start small. Ring them.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 09:59PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up over this. Start small. Ring them.

Will do. Even though the last two days have been good since I had that chat with my OH. I still have this knot in my chest and my head is screaming that I need a break, I need to breathe. But the backlash would be terrible, I think my OH's family (who are wonderful, caring people) would think badly of me for it and I don't want that.

wakka12 · 15-10-2016 10:01PM

I realise that we probably cant understand how much you two love each other, I know what its like to be with somebody you like even if its bad for you. But it really sounds like he's holding you back in life, in every aspect. Socially, financially, you seem very motivated and want to enjoy your youth more while you can.
Just, from an outsiders view looking in it totally seems like you deserve a better guy, a less selfish one too. He sounds like he doesn't care about your needs or desires honestly, it comes off as though you are simply there to care for him and help him through his anxiety/depression and other mental issues and he doesn't even treat you very well despite your loyalty.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 10:01PM

Please don't let what your OH's family or anyone else thinks cloud your judgement. It's time for you to look out for you.

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:03PM

AntiChew wrote: »

Will do. Even though the last two days have been good since I had that chat with my OH. I still have this knot in my chest and my head is screaming that I need a break, I need to breathe. But the backlash would be terrible, I think my OH's family (who are wonderful, caring people) would think badly of me for it and I don't want that.

Who actually cares? Once you break ties with them why would you ever contact them again? When I was younger than you I left a man who self harmed. For years after my parents got calls every time he ended up in hospital and simply said they didn't know him.

Would you stop focussing on irrelevant rubbish and start focussing on what's best for you?

wakka12 · 15-10-2016 10:03PM

AntiChew wrote: »

This is going to be very hard. I really do love my OH I'm so worried about what will happen if I go. I attempted to finish with my OH before following the incident where they got physical, but they convinced me to come back and I've stayed since. On that occasion, they also attempted to self harm when I left, I'd be very worry something similar would happen if I went away.

Threatening suicide or self harm when attempting to leave is THE biggest red flag that there is imo

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:06PM

wakka12 wrote: »

I realise that we probably cant understand how much you two love each other, I know what its like to be with somebody you like even if its bad for you. But it really sounds like he's holding you back in life, in every aspect. Socially, financially, you seem very motivated and want to enjoy your youth /quote]

I never even would've considered that my OH was holding me back before until recently. I feel like I can't plan ahead, I.e. Travelling, emigrating for a year etc. as my life plans are revolving around my OHs, and we do want different things. I have mentioned Oz in passing before and my OH has gone from saying they would hate to go, to saying they'd go if I really wanted to, but I so t want to go with my OH because I know their attitude and I know they would be miserable. I did also pour all my finances into commuting after our move. Now, my OH always offers and always has offered to support me financially if I need it (I've always managed and never accepted). There's no denying that my OH holds me back socially.

I have brought this up before, without using the phrase "holding me back", I've just said that I feel restricted in why I can do, and my OH has become upset, "Well I'm sorry I hold you back so much", kind of responses.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:07PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Threatening suicide or self harm when attempting to leave is THE biggest red flag that there is imo

Biggest red flag in what sense?

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:10PM

AntiChew wrote: »

Biggest red flag in what sense?

Control/manipulation/abuse

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:13PM

Stheno wrote: »

Control/manipulation/abuse

And I have had friends in similar situations and everytime I said the same thing, run a mile.

I don't know what I'm doing

my head is all over the place. As well as this, while I would always be doubtful that someone making these threats would do anything serious, my OH is one that would, I don't doubt it one bit, because they are selfish, I know they would do it. I'd never forgive myself.

Dial Hard · 15-10-2016 10:13PM

AntiChew wrote:

Biggest red flag in what sense?

In that they are totally manipulating and controlling you. It's the oldest trick in the book and the last, grasping trick of the desperate.

Wake up, OP.

I'm trying my very hardest not to be harsh here. But wake up and go home to your family who love you and who I'd put money on knowing exactly what's going on.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 10:16PM

Please pick up the phone and ring AMEN or Women's Aid.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:16PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

In that they are totally manipulating and controlling you. It's the oldest trick in the book and the last, grasping trick of the desperate.

Wake up, OP.

I'm trying my very hardest not to be harsh here. But wake up and go home to your family who love you and who I'd put money on knowing exactly what's going on.

I can garuntee, they don't. My father and I are very close and he would immediately say if he suspected something, and has done before in a previous relationship. He would be very vocal if he had any sense that something was off but it's the opposite, he absolutely adores my OH, always speaking about them and has a close relationship with them. I have no doubt he would believe me if I told him, but he would be in total shock.

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:18PM

AntiChew wrote: »

And I have had friends in similar situations and everytime I said the same thing, run a mile.

I don't know what I'm doing my head is all over the place. As well as this, while I would always be doubtful that someone making these threats would do anything serious, my OH is one that would, I don't doubt it one bit, because they are selfish, I know they would do it. I'd never forgive myself.

What would you have to forgive yourself for? That another individual chose to harm themselves to make a point?

Honestly at this stage you are clutching at straws, you need to help yourself

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:22PM

Stheno wrote: »

What would you have to forgive yourself for? That another individual chose to harm themselves to make a point?

Honestly at this stage you are clutching at straws, you need to help yourself

I suppose that they did it because I left, if I had stayed they wouldn't have done it maybe. I don't know. Being honest, that's not the biggest factor in me staying anyhow, if all came to all, and we do break up soon, I would contact my OHs family about the self harm and threats and tell them I wouldn't be around to look after my OH, nor is it my responsibility.

And I know I have to help myself, I know that. And I will. This thread has opened my eyes very much.

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:24PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I suppose that they did it because I left, if I had stayed they wouldn't have done it maybe. I don't know. Being honest, that's not the biggest factor in me staying anyhow, if all came to all, and we do break up soon, I would contact my OHs family about the self harm and threats and tell them I wouldn't be around to look after my OH, nor is it my responsibility.

And I know I have to help myself, I know that. And I will. This thread has opened my eyes very much.

So step with the excuses, call people for help and move on

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 10:27PM

Tonight's an ideal time to pick up the phone and ring. Your OH isn't around so you're not going to be disturbed or have him/her overhear you.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:31PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Tonight's an ideal time to pick up the phone and ring. Your OH isn't around so you're not going to be disturbed or have him/her overhear you.

My OH will be gone all day Monday too. I know this sounds like an excuse, but part of me wants to hold off until I see how tonight goes, my OH said they will not be drinking shots of alcohol or getting too drunk, and we have plans for early in the morning (my OH wanted to bring me somewhere, so I agreed), so if things don't go well tonight following the alcohol etc. I think I'll be going anyhow. As much and all as I hope it goes ok. If there's an incident tonight, I'm gone, because I'm not out, I couldn't possibly have done something wrong.

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:34PM

AntiChew wrote: »

My OH will be gone all day Monday too. I know this sounds like an excuse, but part of me wants to hold off until I see how tonight goes, my OH said they will not be drinking shots of alcohol or getting too drunk, and we have plans for early in the morning (my OH wanted to bring me somewhere, so I agreed), so if things don't go well tonight following the alcohol etc. I think I'll be going anyhow. As much and all as I hope it goes ok. If there's an incident tonight, I'm gone, because I'm not out, I couldn't possibly have done something wrong.

You're still blaming yourself, and procrastinating.

What if tonight without you out he drinks loads of shots, comes home, argues about you refusing to go out, gets violent again, and you end up in the hospital?

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2016 10:34PM

You're stalling. Please ring them. It's only a phonecall.

Scarinae · 15-10-2016 10:35PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I can garuntee, they don't. My father and I are very close and he would immediately say if he suspected something, and has done before in a previous relationship. He would be very vocal if he had any sense that something was off but it's the opposite, he absolutely adores my OH, always speaking about them and has a close relationship with them. I have no doubt he would believe me if I told him, but he would be in total shock.

I might be wrong, but maybe you don't want to tell your family or friends what's really happening because they'd be horrified on your behalf and then you'd feel you have to leave? Whereas if you keep it to yourself then you can keep hoping that things might change.

I did this with one of my previous exes. Some of the things he said or did were so outrageous that I wouldn't tell people, because then they'd think badly of him and they didn't know him like I did etc.

That's one of the advantages of calling the helplines that the other posters are recommending though - they don't know you or your OH, they've got no stake in this and can offer you objective advice. Try that as a first step and you can talk to your family or friends when you're ready.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:39PM

Stheno wrote: »

You're still blaming yourself, and procrastinating.

What if tonight without you out he drinks loads of shots, comes home, argues about you refusing to go out, gets violent again, and you end up in the hospital?

I really, really don't think that would happen. My OH only ever got physical once and being honest, I'm starting to wonder if I blew it out if proportion.

Stheno · 15-10-2016 10:42PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I really, really don't think that would happen. My OH only ever got physical once and being honest, I'm starting to wonder if I blew it out if proportion.

Once it happens once, a boundary is broken I'm it was accepted before so is now OK.

however you are clearly not listening so I'm going to bow out here and wish you the best.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 10:45PM

Stheno wrote: »

Once it happens once, a boundary is broken I'm it was accepted before so is now OK.

however you are clearly not listening so I'm going to bow out here and wish you the best.

I promise you, I am listening and really do appreciate all your replies and advice. I know it's probably frustrating to hear my replies, I really am finding it very difficult to accept where I'm at.

Thank you for your advice, time and well wishes.

njs030 · 15-10-2016 10:57PM

AntiChew wrote: »

I really, really don't think that would happen. My OH only ever got physical once and being honest, I'm starting to wonder if I blew it out if proportion.

You sound like you're panicking and backtracking, that's OK its your life and your relationship and no one here knows how you feel.
You can't really blow it out of proportion though op, your partner getting physical is never ever ok and I think you know that.

Here's my suggestion- contact the helpline number that relates to you and talk to them about your concern about this evening and your decision to leave if it happens again when your OH comes home. Let them help you decide if it's the right call and maybe talking to them will help you relax and not worry. They won't judge or put any pressure on you it's just a chat.

Op even if your OH comes in tonight and creates hell and you decide not to leave tomorrow that's also OK and you can still post here to talk and you can still call the helpline without judgment, you make your decisions in your time OK?

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 11:02PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

You sound like you're panicking and backtracking, that's OK its your life and your relationship and no one here knows how you feel.
You can't really blow it out of proportion though op, your partner getting physical is never ever ok and I think you know that.

Here's my suggestion- contact the helpline number that relates to you and talk to them about your concern about this evening and your decision to leave if it happens again when your OH comes home. Let them help you decide if it's the right call and maybe talking to them will help you relax and not worry. They won't judge or put any pressure on you it's just a chat.

Op even if your OH comes in tonight and creates hell and you decide not to leave tomorrow that's also OK and you can still post here to talk and you can still call the helpline without judgment, you make your decisions in your time OK?

Thank you for that.

Being honest, I'm starting to think about the opposite of backtracking, I'm starting to feel like even if my OH comes home tonight and everything is perfect and we have a wonderful day tomorrow, that I still need to go

Certain things play on my mind a lot, the physical incident and last week my OH called me a not nice name and I relive it a lot.

My OH is the furthest possible profile from what you would predict as a manipulator/abuser etc.

My head is telling me I want to ask my OH if we can take a break, even just a week or two, and see where we're at then.

LynnGrace · 15-10-2016 11:07PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

You sound like you're panicking and backtracking, that's OK its your life and your relationship and no one here knows how you feel.
You can't really blow it out of proportion though op, your partner getting physical is never ever ok and I think you know that.

Here's my suggestion- contact the helpline number that relates to you and talk to them about your concern about this evening and your decision to leave if it happens again when your OH comes home. Let them help you decide if it's the right call and maybe talking to them will help you relax and not worry. They won't judge or put any pressure on you it's just a chat.

Op even if your OH comes in tonight and creates hell and you decide not to leave tomorrow that's also OK and you can still post here to talk and you can still call the helpline without judgment, you make your decisions in your time OK?

+1 to all of this.

My heart goes out to you OP. If you don't feel up to ringing tonight, well then, ring on Monday. You can always hang up the phone if it becomes too much for you.

I mentioned earlier that I have nieces and nephews your age. I know that if any of them are sitting in tonight, it's by choice, not because they are worrying about how their partner(s) might react or behave.

You might well be surprised if / when you turn to your family. I am sure that all they will want is for you to be happy.
Take care of yourself. All the best.

AntiChew · 15-10-2016 11:18PM

LynnGrace wrote: »

I mentioned earlier that I have nieces and nephews your age. I know that if any of them are sitting in tonight, it's by choice, not because they are worrying about how their partner(s) might react or behave.

Thank you for your kind reply.

This is what got me down earlier, I dropped my OH into town for tonight's night out, and went home to mind the dog and sit in on my own, purely because of the way my OH has behaved on our previous nights out together. It made me feel really, really sad.

Am I horrible?

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