Feel bad about putting my boyfriend in an awkward position ?

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:32PM #1

Right so Ive been with my boyfriend a year, we are very close and spend a lot of time together. We are in college together but we come to this annoying situation everyday about lunchtime and again around evening when most of our year goes to get food again. (we all spend all day together in architecture)

Anywho, I like having lunch with him. Only him. I have very bad anxiety issues and find it extremely uncomfortable eating with large groups, socialising with lots of people. He likes having lunch with lots of mates, lots of people, having a laugh. Thats hell for me. We're just very different that way, anyway he seems a bit torn about what to do every lunch time. I am okay with him going for lunch with other people as I don't want to force him to just go for lunch with me all the time and miss out on time with his other friends.
But how would you feel about it if you were in my position?

Its just a bit awkward. He always tries to make me come for lunch with the group because obviously he wants me and his friends there together but honestly that pisses me off no end as he knows fully well how painfully uncomfortable Id feel the whole time:( I want to enjoy my lunch, its a break from my college work.

`And please don't recommend that I be more friendly or some other very unhelpful tip. I have social phobia and bad anxiety due to a number of reasons that no boardsie is going to help me figure out any time soon! Im content with having a very small circle of friends and not being popular, some people are just okay with that. So please help me about my relationship with him rather than my social issues please!

ibarelycare · 11-10-2016 01:38PM

Have you discussed a compromise? He spends X amount of lunches with you a week, and X amount with his friends.

emo72 · 11-10-2016 01:39PM

Some days he lunches with you, some days with his friends. It's the only solution really.

Airyfairy12 · 11-10-2016 01:39PM

Go eat somewhere else or with your own friends, if youre not comfortable than go somewhere you will be. Its not his responsibility, im sure he wants to enjoy his lunch too. You spend allot of time together anyway, will that one hour a day make a difference?

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:45PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Go eat somewhere else or with your own friends, if youre not comfortable than go somewhere you will be. Its not his responsibility, im sure he wants to enjoy his lunch too. You spend allot of time together anyway, will that one hour a day make a difference?

Well, he enjoys lunch with me as well its not like the lunch days with me are the **** lunches. He spends a lot of time with them in studio at college as well though, its not like lunch is the only time he sees them. I was just wondering, what others would expect from him, if they were in a similar posiition to me.

There are other couples in college who eat lunch together everyday. And while I don't expect us to do that or care if we do it annoys me that he finds it weird to even think that we might devote that time to each other without anyone else around.

ibarelycare · 11-10-2016 01:47PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Well, he enjoys lunch with me as well its not like the lunch days with me are the **** lunches. He spends a lot of time with them in studio at college as well though, its not like lunch is the only time he sees them. I was just wondering, what others would expect from him, if they were in a similar posiition to me.

Lunch is chill-out time. The rest of the time he's with them during the day is study/work time, so it's not the same. Why can't you spend some lunch times with your friends? Seeing each other every single day is an awful lot!

Airyfairy12 · 11-10-2016 01:49PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Well, he enjoys lunch with me as well its not like the lunch days with me are the **** lunches. He spends a lot of time with them in studio at college as well though, its not like lunch is the only time he sees them. I was just wondering, what others would expect from him, if they were in a similar posiition to me.

If I was in a similar position id go do my own thing, having social anxiety myself I know what makes me uncomfortable so I avoid those situations if at all possible, I dont expect others to avoid those situations too to accommodate me. Just my opinion on what I would do and have done in the past.

dee_mc · 11-10-2016 01:50PM

Are you doing anything to address the social phobia and anxiety?
Asking your boyfriend to compromise by spending some break times with you and some with his friends would seem like the only viable solution to the short term, symptomatic problem but you need to be looking at the bigger picture too.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:52PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If I was in a similar position id go do my own thing, having social anxiety myself I know what makes me uncomfortable so I avoid those situations if at all possible, I dont expect others to avoid those situations too to accommodate me. Just my opinion on what I would do and have done in the past.

Fair enough! I was just wondering if others felt the same way. thank you. I would feel bad making him accommodate to my needs all the time . But its honestly the most irriating thing ever when he asks me every time I decline the group lunch invitation why I don't want to go? He knows welll :mad:

Teyla Emmagan · 11-10-2016 01:54PM

Oh so you want him to spend all his lunches just with you. Not very fair TBH. If you're not willing to compromise by being with his friends you will just have to let him off a few days a week. You don't seem to trying to address your issue very much here.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:55PM

dee_mc wrote: »

Are you doing anything to address the social phobia and anxiety?
Asking your boyfriend to compromise by spending some break times with you and some with his friends would seem like the only viable solution to the short term, symptomatic problem but you need to be looking at the bigger picture too.

Thank you.
Well I do fine when Im alone. I don't see what the 'problem' is, some people arent sociable, I don't think I should have to force myself to be sociable to fit into what society considers the norm. Im highly introverted along with having social anxiety so its a bit of a vicious circle. Maybe if I wanted to be around people then Id feel under more pressure to cure my social anxiety.

daithi7 · 11-10-2016 01:55PM

Have lunch 2 days a week with your bf, say Tuesday & Thursday for example and let him have a fully sociable college lunch the other days if he likes. I know you suffer from anxiety but your bf does not, and college lunches are a joyful time for(most of) those who do not, so try to be accommodating to his reasonable desire to mix with his friends over lunch/coffee/etc, or otherwise, try to totally control him, and make it all about you (& your weaknesses), and risk losing him....your choice!!

Airyfairy12 · 11-10-2016 01:57PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Fair enough! I was just wondering if others felt the same way. thank you. I would feel bad making him accommodate to my needs all the time . But its honestly the most irriating thing ever when he asks me every time I decline the group lunch invitation why I don't want to go? He knows welll :mad:

Could he just be trying to be nice about it? im sure he doesnt want to not ask you as that would be worse. Dont expect him to understand your social phobia, hes extroverted, loves being around people, its second nature to him...he cant even imagine what its like to be in your shoes. Thats not his fault he just doesn't have any experiance with it.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:57PM

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Oh so you want him to spend all his lunches just with you. Not very fair TBH. If you're not willing to compromise by being with his friends you will just have to let him off a few days a week. You don't seem to trying to address your issue very much here.

I never said I wanted him to eat all lunches with just me. I asked what others would expect from him if in a similar position .

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 01:58PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Could he just be trying to be nice about it? im sure he doesnt want to not ask you as that would be worse. Dont expect him to understand your social phobia, hes extroverted, loves being around people, its second nature to him...he cant even imagine what its like to be in your shoes. Thats not his fault he just doesn't have any experiance with it.

Thanks a lot ,really. Your answers have been really helpful, I guess we are just very different people

tara73 · 11-10-2016 01:58PM

yes, why has it ot be one way or the other. why don't you spend some days with him eating lunch, maybe even set fixed dates and on others he can spend it in a large group.

I know you said you don't want to discuss your anxiety problem, but it's part of this problem and if you don't work on your social phobia there will always be massive problems in your life. It doesn't sound like it's a small thing so start working on your own issues before you end up with ongoing problems and frustration in relationships.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 02:01PM

daithi7 wrote: »

Have lunch 2 days a week with your bf, say Tuesday & Thursday for example and let him have a fully sociable college lunch the other days if he likes. I know you suffer from anxiety but your bf does not, and college lunches are a joyful time for(most of) those who do not, so try to be accommodating to his reasonable desire to mix with his friends over lunch/coffee/etc, or otherwise, try to totally control him, and make it all about you (& your weaknesses), and risk losing him....your choice!!

Ah he is really nice about it. He really likes me, he'd eat lunch everyday with just me if I asked him to..But Id feel so guilty(even though Id love to..)
Anyway, the general consensus seems to be to have a mixture of days of him having lunch with his friends and me ..

emo72 · 11-10-2016 02:07PM

Yeah, as you said, you'd feel guilty if he had lunch with you all the time. And that's because it doesn't sit right with you. He wouldn't mind have lunch with you all the time either, but you realise that may cause problems.

Anyway in the myriad of things that can cause problems in relationships, this one is easily solved. Best of luck!

11-10-2016 02:08PM

There is something rather lop-sided about this. He has to choose between his friends and you at lunch times. But you get what you want either way.
Would you consider joining the group one day per week? You know, putting your boyfriend's desires ahead of your own.

Estrellita · 11-10-2016 02:10PM

Wakka, you will have to address your issues. Your boyfriend has been very good to you about this if you ask me. You are a year into your relationship, if it goes on and on like this it might take the shine off things for him.

You are around each other a lot as it is, you could go hang with your own friends. That will give you both a bit of breathing space. I won't lie, your post does come across like you want him to yourself a lot. That would become a bit suffocating after some time. When you do get to hang out, then you will have much more to chat about too.

He tried to come to a compromise by asking you to join the group of friends, but you don't want to address the issue of being around others aswell as him. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

dee_mc · 11-10-2016 02:18PM

wakka12 wrote:

Thank you. Well I do fine when Im alone. I don't see what the 'problem' is, some people arent sociable, I don't think I should have to force myself to be sociable to fit into what society considers the norm. Im highly introverted along with having social anxiety so its a bit of a vicious circle. Maybe if I wanted to be around people then Id feel under more pressure to cure my social anxiety.

You're mentioning four separate issues here - not being sociable, introversion, social anxiety, and a boyfriend who can't accept these issues.
You point out that you don't consider the first three to be 'problems' as such so by process of elimination, the one thing that has to change to make everything better is to get rid of the boyfriend?

I don't think that's what you want though, is it?
Your social anxiety is causing tension in your relationship - my advice would be to address it, because it will only continue to make your life more difficult in terms of your relationship, friendships, college and work commitments etc - I have struggled with a degree of social anxiety myself over the years and looking back I was very defensive and negative about the whole thing which made it difficult for the people around me, even those who really loved me, to actually 'want' to go out of their way to accommodate me!
Have a think about it anyway, I hope ye can reach some kind of solution that will make ye both happy.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2016 02:23PM

I also think that if you expect him to compromise his social life for you, then you need to be prepared to do the same for him. You say you don't want to discuss your anxiety, but your anxiety is the root of your problem.

You asked what would others expect from their boyfriend? I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to sacrifice his relationship with his friends for me. Especially not in college. You're young, you're carefree, responsibility free, this is the time of your life where you should be your most relaxed, sociable and enjoying college life. Not stuck in a settled, routine relationship. Plenty of time for that when you're saddled with a mortgage and childcare!!

Now, you have issues which make socialising difficult for you. But your bf doesn't. And it is very unfair of you to ask him to change his behaviour and amend his college experience to suit you. He invites you for lunch because it is the polite thing to do. Would you prefer if he just told you, "I'm off to sit with the lads, see ya". If you don't want him asking you, then explain it to him. But don't make it out like he's doing something wrong by inviting you, because he's not.

He might like you a lot, but he also likes his friends. And lunch time is where they can relax, get to know each other on a level that they can't in class. Discover who they click with, who might be good to link up with for projects etc. There's so much more to college life than classes and sitting with the same one person everyday for lunch. By doing that he would be missing out on so much.

You've accepted that your college experience will be a quieter, more solitary one. That's fine if it works for you, but it is not fair to impose that college experience on someone else. It's nobody's job to babysit you. It's your job to deal with and tackle your anxiety. It seems like your bf would encourage and support you in this. But if you're not able to do that, then you can't hold him back. He's not qualified to help you. He can be your bf, but he can't be your crutch.

meeeeh · 11-10-2016 02:24PM

wakka12 wrote: »

Maybe if I wanted to be around people then Id feel under more pressure to cure my social anxiety.

Well you want to be with your bf and he wants to socialize with more people.

Anyway I think your attitude is a bit passive aggressive. You feel sorry that you are placing your bf in the situation where he has to choose between friends and you and you don't want to deal with it. At the same time you resent him that he is not choosing to spend lunch time with you. Stop with poor me attitude and talk to him. If he is prepared to come to some workable compromise then fine otherwise you two won't function together anyway in the future.

LegacyUser · 11-10-2016 02:43PM

I know it's not what you want to hear as it's the difficult part but you need to work on your anxiety. Have a better understanding of it and where it comes from. If you push yourself that little bit you will be in a better position to work out a compromise, not having him suiting and working around your problem which is social anxiety. Now you may feel defensive and say well why is it a problem I don't want to be around people, i want things this way and that, whichever way I'm most comfortable. But the problem is that ultimately you will have to address this anxiety because how many times are you going to HAVE to socialise? Weddings, funerals, family gatherings, parties, all kinds of events, life in general where you are going to have to be around people as well as your boyfriend. Don't use him as a crutch it wil wear him down having to accommodate your anxieties all the time.

ivytwine · 11-10-2016 02:47PM

OP I think you need to address the anxiety. To be blunt forcing him to give up his social life- even if it's just lunches at the moment- is spectacularly unfair.

It's not healthy for him to be your only social outlet and it's storing up trouble for yourself. You may not be with him forever and then where will you be? It would be more positive to learn how to socialise with others, hard as that can be.

When you leave college you'll probably have to have lunches etc with colleagues, it's not as simple to just avoid people and generally most people are quite nice. I think your anxiety is the real problem here and it should be addressed.

Victoria. · 11-10-2016 02:53PM

wakka12 wrote: »

I never said I wanted him to eat all lunches with just me. I asked what others would expect from him if in a similar position .

It is likely that I would expect that if I was in college 5 days, that he would have lunch alone with me for Tuesday and Thursday. Monday and Wednesday he has lunch with his friends (which I am probably invited to go to if I choose) and Friday can go either way. When I was doing my undergrad we'd usually finish early on a Friday anyway.

I'm doing my postgrad now and most days I have lunch by myself at my desk (my own choice), I usually go to the communal eating area with the other postgrads a day or two a week.

I wouldn't rock the boat over lunchtime, the best solution is a compromise. I had a boyfriend in college during my undergrad that was in the same course and to be honest I used to feel a bit claustrophobic at times and I used to make excuses to go to the shop to buy lunch by myself for some alone time. You also don't want to become the 'high maintenance' girlfriend according to your boyfriends friends if they notice that you're controlling his lunchtimes and lessening their access to him hanging out with them. You need to maintain a positive image of yourself amongst his group of friends.

Only one couple out of a serious number of couples has remained together after college out of my extended group so there's that too, you need to make your own way and maintain your own friend group while still being in a relationship with your boyfriend.

batmanrobin · 11-10-2016 02:53PM

Are you addressing your anxiety issues at all, OP? I mean with a professional? I'd be fairly introverted, but when I need to I can be around larger groups. If I was in a position where I couldn't, I'd be looking at some form of therapy because it's obviously something which is going to impact all areas of your life. It's not about being popular, it's about being able to function.

As to your bf, you just spend some lunches by yourself and he spends some with his friends and you spend the other days together. Have you met his friends at all though? Will you be able to? Will you be able to go to weddings with him, family occasions etc? It takes compromise, OP. You're going to have to be able to do all these things. So maybe start with lunch once a week with his friends.

padd b1975 · 11-10-2016 02:57PM

dee_mc wrote: »

Are you doing anything to address the social phobia and anxiety?
Asking your boyfriend to compromise by spending some break times with you and some with his friends would seem like the only viable solution to the short term, symptomatic problem but you need to be looking at the bigger picture too.

+1.

In a few years you're going to have to deal with the real world and all that brings.

If you don't get the help you need now, your degree is not going to be worth the paper it's written on if you can't adequately liaise with clients and colleagues.

wakka12 · 11-10-2016 03:21PM

Mystery Egg wrote: »

There is something rather lop-sided about this. He has to choose between his friends and you at lunch times. But you get what you want either way.
Would you consider joining the group one day per week? You know, putting your boyfriend's desires ahead of your own.

Joining them is uncomfortable for me. Joining me for lunch is not uncomfortable for him. Im not forcing him to only have lunch with me so I don't see how Im being so selfish here

Bandana boy · 11-10-2016 03:25PM

If you spend a lot of time together anyway , would giving him a free pass every lunch time and you catch up with your other friends as you will see him through out the day and I imagine most evenings ?

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2016 03:28PM

What would you like to happen, OP?

Feel bad about putting my boyfriend in an awkward position ?

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