I feel like I have spent my whole life by myself

redskyatnight · 08-10-2016 05:54PM #1

I feel like I have spent so much time alone in my life so far. Even when I look back to my childhood, I have so many memories of playing alone, being in rooms alone, watching TV alone. The same as a teenager and still now. I feel that is due to family issues that i wont go into. But now, years later, I find myself so alone still. I have friends and I have had relationships. I do do things like the odd night out here and there with friends, cinema, hikes etc. I work full time too. But lately i have felt that for my age (33) i have spent too much time alone. I find myself in shops or driving and seeing people together chatting and i am so jealous. I dont feel like im going crazy or anything, i just feel an intense sadness about it lately. This weekend plans fell through with a friend so I will be going from Friday evening to monday morning not speaking to anyone (other than texts). Has anyone else ever experienced this? I know that if i want things to change, only I have control of that. But its so hard to push yourself when you have done that so many times in the past but still end up back in the same place.

NoviGlitzko · 08-10-2016 06:09PM

I'm so sorry you feel like that. Reality is many people feel this way at one point in their lives. There's many who are happy in their own company as well. Is it just you feel alone by not being a relationship? Sorry to be blunt, but could be a possible stem of your issue. Do you live in a city/town? If so you could start doing things to interact with people more. I've been taking Spanish lessons once a week because I enjoy learning it, and unbeknownst to myself have met some people that I never would have normally.

redskyatnight · 08-10-2016 06:20PM

Yes I live in a city. Thanks for your reply. I agree with you that most people go through periods like this in their lives. I suppose i just feel like I have always felt lonely so Im starting to really worry that i will never not feel like this. In a way i know why this is happening.....I have always had low self-esteem and felt that people do not like me (this comes from family issues) so this has held me back. I dont put myself out there because i feel that people would rather not have me at an event or something. Deep down i know this isnt true though. Im not in a relationship but im not even sure i want to be in one right now because i dont feel i have anything to offer a partner. I am happy in my own company sometimes but at a certain point I want to be around people and chat and have fun and laugh. But something has always stopped me from having that kind of life.

LegacyUser · 08-10-2016 06:49PM

Youre not alone, I grew up in the country side and was rearly allowed to socialise growing up so I spent allot of time alone, now as an adult I only know how to be alone and I find connecting with others difficult, its lonely and I know how you feel, especially seeing groups of people together and wishing I had those connections.

Since youre living in a city there must be things on at the weekends that you could partake in, maybe yoga or dance classes, art classes or another interest? Girlcrew on facebook is good so I hear and meetup.ie too.

NoviGlitzko · 08-10-2016 06:50PM

Don't undermine yourself. Plenty of worse people out there who are idiots/arrogant/dickheads etc., you don't appear to be any of these. I don't know what to offer in regards rebuilding your self confidence, although I genuinely find being alone inhibits your own ability to socialise with people. The more you talk to people the easier it is to talk to people. That's how I find it anyway. My call would be to try to get out of the house. Not necessarily to have drinks either now, but yeah.

redskyatnight · 08-10-2016 11:06PM

im sorry to hear you also feel like this, Canrelate. It is so hard to see others together sometimes isnt it? Sometimes I feel that the loneliness I feel is magnified when I am out and about.....sometimes its easier to stay home. Even though I know that is not going to be helpful in the long run.

redskyatnight · 08-10-2016 11:20PM

i know you're right.....i suppose i just feel that sometimes getting out of the house can be hard.....its hard to see other people together and having fun

Mr Joe · 09-10-2016 01:44AM

I know how you feel to an extent I have been thinking about my own isolated existence, I have become more and more isolated over the past 18 months mostly of my own accord. It had improved for a few months but things have went back to isolation.

I agree with what you're saying about not speaking to anyone at all for days. It feels weird not speaking to anyone for a day plus to me but as sad as this is, you really do get used to that. The worst thing is when I am in peoples company most of the time it is difficult to get me to shut up! The thing is I usually shun company at times and turn down many of the few invitations I still get. I've had a hard few years that have really taken their toll on me, and I have basically retreated to base some days I rarely venture out of the house.

I usually eat out alone, go to the cinema alone, used to go out clubbing alone the odd time when I still went out. Getting the bus or train anywhere alone, gym alone. I've been doing those things for years so I'm well used to it, but like you say sometimes you do get this sudden bout of sadness that hits from nowhere. Being single also, I agree that sometimes seeing groups and/or couples gave give bouts of loneliness. I wonder what others thing, I enjoy my own company a lot but when does it go from enjoying your own company to being a recluse? And is it unhealthy.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2016 03:54AM

redskyatnight wrote: »

im sorry to hear you also feel like this, Canrelate. It is so hard to see others together sometimes isnt it? Sometimes I feel that the loneliness I feel is magnified when I am out and about.....sometimes its easier to stay home. Even though I know that is not going to be helpful in the long run.

I totally get this. I feel confident and ok while at home but going out now makes me nervous and when I see groups of friends together I begin to question myself and why I cant be that way and I wonder what's wrong with me?! my confidence drops, loneliness increases and I need to go back home to recharge, I also relate to what you said about being held back by low self esteem and feelings of not being liked... I think it helps to know that other people suffer with this too, IMO it makes me feel a little more normal to know other people have this problem, so I hope my input has been of some help to you and you know youre not alone with this. It is so important to get out, as hard as it is sometimes. I feel your pain. What are the people like in your work environment? can you ask someone to go for tea at lunch time or after work?

HS3 · 09-10-2016 11:57AM

I am very similar Redsky. Other people seem to be part of large groups of friends, or they seem to have really deep friendships. I don't. I am married to a fantastic guy. So I guess I did something right some where. But I very much keep myself to myself, unintentionally. I don't know how I do it lol. The times I do think I've clicked with someone and try build a friendship, I end up being very wrong.

I've just accepted this is my lot. I can't change who I am and I really don't want to because it saves the car crash on those occasions I've been wrong. I just try savour the times I am with others and accept it is all momentary.

orthsquel · 09-10-2016 02:05PM

OP you seem very self aware in that you acknowledge that family issues are a root cause of your lack of self esteem and holds you back.... are you working through those issues of self esteem and feeling held back? If not perhaps it may be beneficial to seek counselling in that area, so that you're not letting family issues (including validation or being for example, enmeshed) hold you back from enjoying a fulfilling life.

Were you looking particularly forward to meeting up with your friend for this weekend? It's healthy to acknowledge that you are disappointed in plans falling through, however, prolonged feelings of disappointment and sadness can de-stabilise your well-being.

It's easy to fall into a situation of not wanting to be disappointed or let down, or feeling lonely by retreating and withdrawing from everyone. It's hard to deal with feeling lonely and sometimes it can leave a deep feeling of isolation and sadness. Withdrawing is about self preservation - protecting yourself from particularly feeling lonely and preventing from seeing things that make you sad..... but it is a means to make things worse, because it can make you feel more alienated and alone than you already feel. I think we all want to protect ourselves from feeling lonely or an outsider looking in, from hurt feelings and it is easier to avoid situations where we might feel that way.... creating a cycle and a rut.

I know what it is like to not have a conversation - never mind a meaningful conversation - with anyone over a weekend, even over a week. The important thing though is being aware of it and doing something about it. When I realise I haven't really been that social for a couple of days I try and take myself to a park, for example, for a walk and be around people. I don't necessarily feel like I have to interact directly, but I can allow myself to feel somewhat included, maybe have some small talk, say hello to passers by also walking themselves or their dog and just enjoy it. Little things like that I feel can help prevent myself from feeling too disconnected from people although I can still struggle a bit with having a meaningful connection with someone and that is often created by my own reluctance to put myself out there, out of my comfort zone and up until recently, allowing family issues and old wounds in life hold me back. But I've made a commitment to myself to not let those things hold me back anymore now that I know what they are so that I can enjoy a more full, fulfilling and rewarding life, with conversations and connections. But still sometimes I'm off somewhere enjoying it I get down about being there on my own and I actively acknowledge that...but also too progress I have made, still have to make and try to be more positive by recalling a few things that make me happy in the last 48 hours and things that I am grateful for in life.

I've often been frustrated by the thought OP of: lots of people tell me I'm a lovely person, why do I feel so alone? I've built up so many walls and barriers to protect myself, I'm hard to get to know (and recently someone pointed out that because it takes time to get to know me, it's unfortunate because not all people have the time it takes to get to know me) and that is mainly because of family issues and trust issues. I reflected on what that person said about taking time to know me.... Those walls have to come down and I'm allowing myself to do that. Maybe you too can find a way to do the same and that might start with tackling family issues and your self esteem. And yes, I got fed up being independent and going to stuff alone that I stopped doing that.... in hindsight it was probably the worst thing I could have done for myself because it gave me an easy excuse to not bother trying and I stopped doing things I enjoyed completely, and I really regret that.

banoffe2 · 09-10-2016 02:23PM

Hi redsky
I hope you are coping with the weekend as best you can in the circumstances, small tiny steps can make a huge difference, it can help to break the cycle and feelings of isolation, it is hard to be strong all the time.
I admire your honesty and self awareness, I agree that childhood environment can have an everlasting effect on us, I grew up in a house full of people and felt so lonely and unloved, never knew what it was like to have emotional support.

I hope you find ways and strategies to help you cope better, I wish you the very best X

orthsquel · 09-10-2016 03:51PM

Just off the back of my own post OP, something that could be helpful - I've planned to go to a few events next week.... alone. I let people know about the events but heard nothing concrete back. I hummed and hawed about one specific event and whether to go or not... I eventually realised it's something that really, really matters to me and made the decision to just go. I'm excited about it, and I'm happy I'm going alone. I'm comfortable with that only after a chat with myself about how I'd feel about it. tbh OP I've let so many events come and go that I didn't go to because I was uncomfortable with going to alone and I've found myself regretting it and feeling utterly frustrated and impatient with myself... too much so to really worry now about feeling lonely because my own life has been stalling socially. I'm happy to go to the events next week because I'm doing it for me.. I feel I need to do it for me to get past the negative feelings and I'm completely ok if I find myself struggling or not connecting with people on the day, simply because I'm wanting to do this for me, and it's a step in the right direction of what I want for myself. The funny thing is I wouldn't have seen myself a few months or even weeks ago with this attitude. I would have been more worried about making the effort and - exactly as you put it - pushing myself only to end up in the same place, feeling alone and lonely. Regret seems to be my motivation, a need to make up lost time and to stop threading water. Anything even trying with a few steps towards something is better than feeling unhappy and not trying, but living with the regret of not doing something because of being afraid of how I'd feel if I tried. And being honest with myself I really don't want to be sitting on more regrets or not pushing myself out there, because it didn't get me very far at all and just made me feel worse because I allowed myself to wallow in it.

BarcaDen · 09-10-2016 04:42PM

Do things.

You live in a city. Do you want to learn a language? Organise a language exchange with somebody there. Doesn't matter what it is. You're helping them, and they're helping you. What are you passionate in? I mean this sincerely. So many people seem unimpressive because they seem to live grey lives without things that animate them. Could you describe yourself like this? You don't have to pretend to be passionate about something but it might help to explore yourself a bit more. Get involved in things. Stop coasting and start acting. I feel a lot of people just coast along and wait for things to happen to them... Life rarely works out like that, you need to 'put yourself in the way of beauty'

Good luck!

redskyatnight · 09-10-2016 05:06PM

Mr Joe wrote: »

I know how you feel to an extent I have been thinking about my own isolated existence, I have become more and more isolated over the past 18 months mostly of my own accord. It had improved for a few months but things have went back to isolation.

I agree with what you're saying about not speaking to anyone at all for days. It feels weird not speaking to anyone for a day plus to me but as sad as this is, you really do get used to that. The worst thing is when I am in peoples company most of the time it is difficult to get me to shut up! The thing is I usually shun company at times and turn down many of the few invitations I still get. I've had a hard few years that have really taken their toll on me, and I have basically retreated to base some days I rarely venture out of the house.

I usually eat out alone, go to the cinema alone, used to go out clubbing alone the odd time when I still went out. Getting the bus or train anywhere alone, gym alone. I've been doing those things for years so I'm well used to it, but like you say sometimes you do get this sudden bout of sadness that hits from nowhere. Being single also, I agree that sometimes seeing groups and/or couples gave give bouts of loneliness. I wonder what others thing, I enjoy my own company a lot but when does it go from enjoying your own company to being a recluse? And is it unhealthy.

Im sorry that you have had a hard few years. I also enjoy my own company but at a certain point, like you say, it becomes unhealthy. Its become so the norm for me that i find now that when i am in social situations, i somehow dont feel like myself. But i also know that is down to self esteem issues and convincing myself that people dont like me......probably because i dont like myself very much right now to be honest.

redskyatnight · 09-10-2016 05:10PM

Canrelate wrote: »

I totally get this. I feel confident and ok while at home but going out now makes me nervous and when I see groups of friends together I begin to question myself and why I cant be that way and I wonder what's wrong with me?! my confidence drops, loneliness increases and I need to go back home to recharge, I also relate to what you said about being held back by low self esteem and feelings of not being liked... I think it helps to know that other people suffer with this too, IMO it makes me feel a little more normal to know other people have this problem, so I hope my input has been of some help to you and you know youre not alone with this. It is so important to get out, as hard as it is sometimes. I feel your pain. What are the people like in your work environment? can you ask someone to go for tea at lunch time or after work?

I work with nice people and thats not really an issue. Its a relatively social job...I dont work alone in a room or a lab or anything. My sadness more comes from my personal life.....I know we all go through times where friends are doing their own thing....I think that is when we should be able to rely on family and I dont feel that I can. I wont go into why (i would be typing all day) but to know that if i am feeling lonely, i cant even call to family for a cup of tea is a huge source of sadness for me. It makes me question.....well then who can i turn to?

redskyatnight · 09-10-2016 05:14PM

HS3 wrote: »

I am very similar Redsky. Other people seem to be part of large groups of friends, or they seem to have really deep friendships. I don't. I am married to a fantastic guy. So I guess I did something right some where. But I very much keep myself to myself, unintentionally. I don't know how I do it lol. The times I do think I've clicked with someone and try build a friendship, I end up being very wrong.

I've just accepted this is my lot. I can't change who I am and I really don't want to because it saves the car crash on those occasions I've been wrong. I just try savour the times I am with others and accept it is all momentary.

Im sorry you feel you have no one other than your husband. Your last sentence brought tears to my eyes....about it being momentary. I identify with this so much.....sometimes when i am out with friends and laughing etc, i find myself thinking "god, im so happy right now, i wish this could happen more"......im my own worst enemy it seems! You are lucky to have found a partner, i hope I can have the same some day.

redskyatnight · 09-10-2016 05:20PM

orthsquel wrote: »

OP you seem very self aware in that you acknowledge that family issues are a root cause of your lack of self esteem and holds you back.... are you working through those issues of self esteem and feeling held back? If not perhaps it may be beneficial to seek counselling in that area, so that you're not letting family issues (including validation or being for example, enmeshed) hold you back from enjoying a fulfilling life.

Were you looking particularly forward to meeting up with your friend for this weekend? It's healthy to acknowledge that you are disappointed in plans falling through, however, prolonged feelings of disappointment and sadness can de-stabilise your well-being.

It's easy to fall into a situation of not wanting to be disappointed or let down, or feeling lonely by retreating and withdrawing from everyone. It's hard to deal with feeling lonely and sometimes it can leave a deep feeling of isolation and sadness. Withdrawing is about self preservation - protecting yourself from particularly feeling lonely and preventing from seeing things that make you sad..... but it is a means to make things worse, because it can make you feel more alienated and alone than you already feel. I think we all want to protect ourselves from feeling lonely or an outsider looking in, from hurt feelings and it is easier to avoid situations where we might feel that way.... creating a cycle and a rut.

I know what it is like to not have a conversation - never mind a meaningful conversation - with anyone over a weekend, even over a week. The important thing though is being aware of it and doing something about it. When I realise I haven't really been that social for a couple of days I try and take myself to a park, for example, for a walk and be around people. I don't necessarily feel like I have to interact directly, but I can allow myself to feel somewhat included, maybe have some small talk, say hello to passers by also walking themselves or their dog and just enjoy it. Little things like that I feel can help prevent myself from feeling too disconnected from people although I can still struggle a bit with having a meaningful connection with someone and that is often created by my own reluctance to put myself out there, out of my comfort zone and up until recently, allowing family issues and old wounds in life hold me back. But I've made a commitment to myself to not let those things hold me back anymore now that I know what they are so that I can enjoy a more full, fulfilling and rewarding life, with conversations and connections. But still sometimes I'm off somewhere enjoying it I get down about being there on my own and I actively acknowledge that...but also too progress I have made, still have to make and try to be more positive by recalling a few things that make me happy in the last 48 hours and things that I am grateful for in life.

I've often been frustrated by the thought OP of: lots of people tell me I'm a lovely person, why do I feel so alone? I've built up so many walls and barriers to protect myself, I'm hard to get to know (and recently someone pointed out that because it takes time to get to know me, it's unfortunate because not all people have the time it takes to get to know me) and that is mainly because of family issues and trust issues. I reflected on what that person said about taking time to know me.... Those walls have to come down and I'm allowing myself to do that. Maybe you too can find a way to do the same and that might start with tackling family issues and your self esteem. And yes, I got fed up being independent and going to stuff alone that I stopped doing that.... in hindsight it was probably the worst thing I could have done for myself because it gave me an easy excuse to not bother trying and I stopped doing things I enjoyed completely, and I really regret that.

Yes I have been to counselling for the family stuff.....it did help but at the end of the day, people do not change so I dont see things improving there really. I have tried to change but i feel my low self esteem is holding me down like quick sand or something. I feel i am so far down the rabbit hole at this point. I know i need to do something about my self esteem, but i feel like, since being a child, i have been conditioned to assume that people do not/will not like me, that i have nothing to offer people and that people will always choose to walk away from me.

CPTM · 09-10-2016 05:30PM

Fully agree here.. I was (and sometimes still am) someone who can arrive home from work on a Friday night and not see anyone until the Monday. It was mostly because my girlfriend always goes home-home over the weekends and a lot of the people I knew emigrated over the years and never came back. It left me sleeping in late, on the phone/youtube with no real weekend happiness for a long time.

I joined a local sports club over the summer and that has made such a difference to me.. gets me out a couple of evenings a week, and over most weekends there are games that need you up early and disciplined. Ive started making really good friends there too as the months go by. My next small step is to start looking at doing some charity work one or two days a week. I'm not really sure what/where but I see there's a lot of opportunities online. Anything to get me out the front door and away from a 10 hour shift looking through mindless Netflix or YouTube.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2016 07:08PM

redskyatnight wrote: »

I work with nice people and thats not really an issue. Its a relatively social job...I dont work alone in a room or a lab or anything. My sadness more comes from my personal life.....I know we all go through times where friends are doing their own thing....I think that is when we should be able to rely on family and I dont feel that I can. I wont go into why (i would be typing all day) but to know that if i am feeling lonely, i cant even call to family for a cup of tea is a huge source of sadness for me. It makes me question.....well then who can i turn to?

Yes but I was thinking maybe you could begin to build relationships with people from work outside of working hours, it could be a small step to building a support network and maybe get you into the swing of connecting with other people. Have you tried CBT? Its supposed to be very good for correcting negative thought patterns which effect self esteem.

If youre feeling lonely or down during the weekend then maybe take advantage of living in a city and head to a Saturday morning Yoga, meditation or palates class? lots of people go on their own so you wouldnt be the only one and it gives you some interaction with people. You could do some Saturday volunteer work and meet some friendly people who are open to meeting others

Ive got sever social anxiety and I live in the countryside with no transport, I cant afford to move to a town or city, this means I cant work, I cant seek counselling, I can rarely leave the house and when I do its on somebody else's terms as theyre the one giving me a lift so its not very often I get to go anywhere, even getting to a shop can be a nightmare, I have family problems to and my family arent supportive in anyway, like you ive no one to turn to in times of need and I cant think of a time when I did but I would love to have the options available to me that a city or town provides, even if it meant going on my own. Take advantage of what's around you, the problem wont change unless you take steps to change it, even if things dont work out straight away you just keep trying or you try something else.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2016 12:58AM

I know how some of the postes here feel. I moved from a city to a county area. After a while the one person I was freindly with in the area was not avaible to go out as much. People expect you to have freinds and a social life. It can be hard to push yourself into a new situation or to get involved in a new group.

I was a bit overweight so I joined a slimming group and made a few friends their. One person here became a good freind. I then joined a gym and this made me get out of the house as I had somewhere to go.

I would say for any one living and working in a town or a city to have a look around and see what is going on. A night class in a subject that your interest in can help you meet other people with a similar interest. Also see if you can do some volinteer work or join a gym or sport club. I think that after a period of time people can lose contact with freinds for any number of reasons. Also stop looking at some peoples facebook page - no one life is as good as fb proclaims at times.

orthsquel · 10-10-2016 01:24PM

redskyatnight wrote: »

I think that is when we should be able to rely on family and I dont feel that I can. I wont go into why (i would be typing all day) but to know that if i am feeling lonely, i cant even call to family for a cup of tea is a huge source of sadness for me. It makes me question.....well then who can i turn to?

Would you consider going to local social groups or even support groups/meetings? You may be able to develop social contacts. Having a strong support network of friends and acquaintances is necessary... is there someone you could ask to be a "buddy" that can act as a cheerleader in your life to help encourage you or someone that you could have a regular weekly cup of tea with and chat (not just when you're lonely)? Would you consider setting yourself some goals for developing yourself and asking someone to check in with you in e.g. 4 weeks' time to see how you are progressing and have a chat about it?

redskyatnight wrote: »

but i feel like, since being a child, i have been conditioned to assume that people do not/will not like me, that i have nothing to offer people and that people will always choose to walk away from me.

Family aren't going to change. And it's important to acknowledge and accept that. The only person you can change is yourself.... it doesn't happen overnight to change yourself, to gain in confidence and self esteem but you can take small steps to making changes. ask yourself: what's the smallest thing I can do? And take it from there, everyday.

OP I can understand re childhood..... but you can get out of it. It's a matter of destroying all that you were told to believe about yourself as a child and rebuilding your own perception of yourself based on who you are now, your skills and abilities, your personality, your actions, behaviour, etc. Whatever you were told that led to that negative conditioning was not based on the person you were then, or were now; it was based on someone else's criticism and abuse of you and their issues... not you specifically. But I understand how easy it is to believe all you were told and accept them as truths, which they are not. And I used to feel and believe that too, people won't/don't like me, nothing to offer and will leave me... but that is a negative thought pattern based on lies I was told about myself by family that I believed as truths. It takes hard work OP but it is worth doing in helping yourself to see yourself differently rather than based on what you were led to mis-believe about yourself due to someone's abuse. I read Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward fairly recently, it was really beneficial to me in understanding myself and my own childhood and really has helped me take steps to resolve issues.

Magicmatilda · 11-10-2016 04:59PM

Just had to say I can totally relate.

To look at me from the outside I am a very social person, I work in an office full of people and I have a good few friends. I am active in clubs and I go to meetups from time to time. But my friends now are all getting married or have kids. Their lives change. Mine seems to stay the same. As someone posted this is when I should be able to reach out to family but I cannot. I have an OK surface level relationship with 2 members of my family of 8, but there is little to no emotional connection.

I have had years of therapy to address the issues that were a result of growing up where and how I did. But therapy can only do so much. It can not replace human connection. I realized over the last weekend (alone again) that I need to start opening myself up more and being more honest with people I interact with, but I am not sure how that will look.

To add to matters I am moving to a rural area in another part of the country. People keep asking will I not be lonely there but I kind of think I would be lonely anywhere. My problem is connecting with people. Anyway once I get settled in the new place I will be going back to therapy to strip away a few more layers.

I just wanted to share that as it is a topic that is so relevant for me today.

I feel like I have spent my whole life by myself

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