Does anyone else get worried when their partner goes drinking without you?

LegacyUser · 10-09-2016 01:26PM #1

My BF has regular "lads nights" with a soccer team he plays with. But whenever he says he is going drinking I feel sick to my stomach and start questioning where he's going who with where is he staying etc. It worries me so much to the point I cry. I know his friends cheat on their GF's (even though they are together for 6 years) and I'm afraid he will be influenced by this and find someone more attractive or just do it for the ego boost or to be part of the gang. I see guys all the time on nights out that have GF's that cheat and I am terrified this will happen to me too. Some guys I know have GF's, have even tried it with me in the past and said their GF is a b*&ch and "its over anyway", again I am terrified of this happening to me. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

LegacyUser · 10-09-2016 07:13PM

A lot of people feel this way, OP. It's insecurity, which can often be felt especially at the start of a relationship. Don't go on at your boyfriend too much about it. This could piss him off and push him away. You need to trust him. He is with you for a reason.

Anyway, if he did cheat on you why would you want to be with him anyway?

fussyonion · 10-09-2016 08:20PM

OP, I used to feel the way you feel now.
I know exactly what you're going through.

But as the years have gone on and our relationship has become stronger, I no longer feel like that.
It really IS all about trust.
I trust my other half 110% and that is all there is to it.

There's nothing YOU can do about other girls flirting with your fella, there's nothing you can do about your fella looking at other girls.
All you can do is trust that he's with you, he loves you and comes home to you.

Unfortunately, this is ultimately YOUR problem, not his and being jealous and naggy will only push him away.
If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat.

Worrying yourself into a state is only going to make you ill.

LegacyUser · 10-09-2016 08:55PM

I admit that this is my problem not his and that I am insecure. I am just terrified of being that girl that other girls feel sorry for because her BF cheats on her and is always chatting up other girls behind her back. I am also terrified of going through the pain that it brings. Of course he knows Id b gone if he ever done anything but how would I ever find out realistically? His mates are hardly going to rat him out when they do the same themselves

LegacyUser · 10-09-2016 09:02PM

To make matters worse I asked him where he was staying tonight and he wouldnt give me a straight answer he said "probably" with his mate ABC which has worried me even further.

DukeOfTheSharp · 10-09-2016 09:54PM

Honestly OP, given how this is affecting you, I haven't the foggiest why you're still with this lad. I mean, you know his mates regularly cheat on their long-term girlfriends, and that's the soup your bf has been swimming in for a long time. Regardless of what people might think, you can tell a lot about someone from the quality of their friends. If you don't trust him now, you'll only get worse, and honestly...do you really want to be with someone knowing that's the kind of social circle they have? And what about meeting the other lad's girlfriends? Imagine how horrible that is for you, knowing what you know! And you'd be worried sick you'd be in the same position as them.

This sounds like a headwreck in the making and that's not healthy. You don't trust him so end it, save yourself a headache and find someone whose social circles don't include habitual cheaters. If you've got some sense that something isn't right, trust it.

silverbolt · 10-09-2016 11:32PM

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Honestly OP, given how this is affecting you, I haven't the foggiest why you're still with this lad. I mean, you know his mates regularly cheat on their long-term girlfriends, and that's the soup your bf has been swimming in for a long time. Regardless of what people might think, you can tell a lot about someone from the quality of their friends. If you don't trust him now, you'll only get worse, and honestly...do you really want to be with someone knowing that's the kind of social circle they have? And what about meeting the other lad's girlfriends? Imagine how horrible that is for you, knowing what you know! And you'd be worried sick you'd be in the same position as them.

This sounds like a headwreck in the making and that's not healthy. You don't trust him so end it, save yourself a headache and find someone whose social circles don't include habitual cheaters. If you've got some sense that something isn't right, trust it.

But does she know something isnt right? Or is she just insecure?

Granted i can certainly understand her concern considering the social circle but he is not them. If he is self actualised and has his own moral code then he will not cheat.

OP in answer to your question. Yes sometimes i get insecure and im dating one my best friends who i love and trust implicitly in the normal light of day. But sometimes i do worry that she is going to do something. and it is NOTHING that she is doing - it is merely old demons clawing at me. Part of it i know is that i live in a piss poor dump of a small town with nothing to do, while she lives in Galway and is loving the nightlife of the city.

As for what i do about it - I try to keep myself busy, playing games, doodling, reading - something to keep my mind occupied. I also remind myself that my partner loves me and is with me. She is loyal and has no reason to cheat and she is not a flighty person.

DukeOfTheSharp · 11-09-2016 01:01AM

silverbolt wrote: »

But does she know something isnt right? Or is she just insecure?

Granted i can certainly understand her concern considering the social circle but he is not them. If he is self actualised and has his own moral code then he will not cheat.

Here's the thing about that: if the OP had just said she was concerned, and hadn't mentioned the friends being pure dicks, then I'd be of a different mindset, that maybe she could talk it through with her boyfriend. Insecurity is bred from a lack of evidence, where the mind goes off on a tear - I've met people this happens to. However, this isn't the case here. If we're to assume the boyf's background; he's known these lads for a long time, maybe longer than the OP has, this is the environment he's been comfortable with for who knows how long.

I've dated people who've been friends with abusive, manipulative alcoholics who get into physical fights with each other while high, and while they never seemed like those people, they eventually showed that they were. They were just really good at hiding it. The OP's situation isn't one I'd deem a result of insecurity. And let's face it, this lad doesn't have a moral code that differs from these other people; if he did, he wouldn't spend anymore time with them than necessary. End of the day, the OP has a right to be concerned; given the amount of potential crap she'll have to deal with because of this lad's social connections - and she will have to deal with it the longer she's with him - it's a nightmare and on top of that, it's toxic.

ManOfMystery · 11-09-2016 02:02AM

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Here's the thing about that: if the OP had just said she was concerned, and hadn't mentioned the friends being pure dicks, then I'd be of a different mindset, that maybe she could talk it through with her boyfriend. Insecurity is bred from a lack of evidence, where the mind goes off on a tear - I've met people this happens to. However, this isn't the case here. If we're to assume the boyf's background; he's known these lads for a long time, maybe longer than the OP has, this is the environment he's been comfortable with for who knows how long.

I've dated people who've been friends with abusive, manipulative alcoholics who get into physical fights with each other while high, and while they never seemed like those people, they eventually showed that they were. They were just really good at hiding it. The OP's situation isn't one I'd deem a result of insecurity. And let's face it, this lad doesn't have a moral code that differs from these other people; if he did, he wouldn't spend anymore time with them than necessary. End of the day, the OP has a right to be concerned; given the amount of potential crap she'll have to deal with because of this lad's social connections - and she will have to deal with it the longer she's with him - it's a nightmare and on top of that, it's toxic.

You're making a lot of assumptions about the bf.

I have various groups of friends I've known for a long time. Some of them do drugs when out - that doesn't mean I do. Some of them have cheated when they've been out - that doesn't mean I do either. Just because his friends behave like this doesn't mean he does.

Does he have questionable taste in friends? Perhaps. But it is by no means a given that he should be tarred with the same brush because of who he hangs around with.

OP, once upon a time I was a bit insecure too as I had an ex at the time who was quite flirty with the opposite sex, which always made me wary when she was on nights out. Eventually, I got sick and tired of worrying about it. It was my problem, my insecurity, so I dealt with it by telling myself she was either going to be faithful (thus there was no problem) or she was going to cheat, and if she was going to cheat then she didn't deserve to be with me anyway.

DukeOfTheSharp · 11-09-2016 05:05AM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're making a lot of assumptions about the bf.

I have various groups of friends I've known for a long time. Some of them do drugs when out - that doesn't mean I do. Some of them have cheated when they've been out - that doesn't mean I do either. Just because his friends behave like this doesn't mean he does.

Does he have questionable taste in friends? Perhaps. But it is by no means a given that he should be tarred with the same brush because of who he hangs around with.

And painting the OP as 'insecure' is not? Without any evidence? Because I don't see evidence of the OP being insecure, just being worn down and terrified that this guy's friends are an indication of his personality, and really, that's a fair connection to make. It's not like these are just random mates, he routinely spends time with them if they're on the same football team. These aren't just a couple of lads who he seems from time to time. And if you choose to hang out with a specific group of people on a regular basis, it's because you share more than one or two things in common. There can be minor differences of opinion, but rarely does it skew into 'I disagree heavily with X'.

And what I don't get is the perspective of 'well if he cheats, he doesn't deserve the OP anyway'...as if that's meant to help? Because that makes everything better? That makes zero sense to me. Getting horribly hurt and driving yourself mad is better than...breaking it off and feeling secure in your decision that it's not worth the headache?

LegacyUser · 11-09-2016 10:18AM

I feel its both insecurity and because of his friends. Sometimes when I see really stunning girls on FB/Instagram following nights out or going out I feel sick because I think "oh he might see them tonight and think their hot" it sounds so sill and immature but Im sure some girls can empathize. On the other hand it lies with him. He knows I worry and gave reassurance and we acknowledged its my issue. But we haven spoken since yesterday morning because he didn't tell me when he was going out (he only mentioned it in a text the day before) and told me when he was on the way. He also didn't even tell me where he was staying because he didn't know he just said probably one of the lads. I feel he should be making more of an effort since he knows how I feel and he was a little bit selfish. Am I being dramatic thinking that?

LegacyUser · 11-09-2016 11:12AM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're making a lot of assumptions about the bf.

I have various groups of friends I've known for a long time. Some of them do drugs when out - that doesn't mean I do. Some of them have cheated when they've been out - that doesn't mean I do either. Just because his friends behave like this doesn't mean he does.

Does he have questionable taste in friends? Perhaps. But it is by no means a given that he should be tarred with the same brush because of who he hangs around with.

OP, once upon a time I was a bit insecure too as I had an ex at the time who was quite flirty with the opposite sex, which always made me wary when she was on nights out. Eventually, I got sick and tired of worrying about it. It was my problem, my insecurity, so I dealt with it by telling myself she was either going to be faithful (thus there was no problem) or she was going to cheat, and if she was going to cheat then she didn't deserve to be with me anyway.

OP I don't agree with the advice saying to break up with your boyfriend. This is your issue, not his. Okay his friends cheat on their girlfriends. I doubt they all do. And this doesn't mean he will. I have friends that have cheated on their partners, I wouldn't dream of doing it myself. If you finished it with this fella the next person you go out with could also cause you insecurity. Does your boyfriend stop you going out because he thinks you'll cheat?

Your insecurity is making you imagine things that could happen. You need to start trusting him and keep yourself busy when he's out or it's going to get to you even more. Best of luck!

Teyla Emmagan · 11-09-2016 12:26PM

kkcuckoo wrote:

I feel he should be making more of an effort since he knows how I feel and he was a little bit selfish. Am I being dramatic thinking that?

You are probably wrecking his head. You have acknowledged your insecurity is your issue, he shouldn't feed it by getting a GPS fitted. If he wanted to cheat on you he could find someone in work, on the bus, at the shops. Let him enjoy his nights out in peace.

woodchuck · 11-09-2016 12:42PM

How long are going out and how old are you both?

Normally I'd just say you either trust the person or you don't and it's your own issue to do with. That does still come into play here, but I'd also look at his attitude towards his friends that cheat. Does he think this is perfectly acceptable behaviour or does he just put up and shut up when they do it? I think this boils down to whether or not your moral compasses are both aligned.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2016 12:55PM

He just says its their business and nothing to do with him. But why does he ignore me when hes out then and just about tell me he is going out (I only found out cause I asked) and not tell me where he is staying? I havent heard from him since this time yesterday..

Mr Arrior · 11-09-2016 01:12PM

The way to deal with this is simple. Just put any of those intrusive thoughts out of your head when they come in. Unless you have a reason to think he has cheated then you have nothing to worry about. If you keep worrying and eventually start to nag him then you may push him away. Tbh I can't see any reason why you should worry anyway.

silverbolt · 11-09-2016 02:26PM

Mr Arrior wrote: »

The way to deal with this is simple. Just put any of those intrusive thoughts out of your head when they come in. Unless you have a reason to think he has cheated then you have nothing to worry about. If you keep worrying and eventually start to nag him then you may push him away. Tbh I can't see any reason why you should worry anyway.

But its not always that simple im afraid.

njs030 · 11-09-2016 02:37PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

I feel he should be making more of an effort since he knows how I feel and he was a little bit selfish. Am I being dramatic thinking that?

In short, yes.
It's your issue not his and he's doing the right thing by feeding it as little as possible. You need to deal with it and learn to control it.

Carry on op and he will break up with you.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2016 03:26PM

Well I just felt that he knows Im worried and shouldn't have just went out without telling me then ignore me for the time he was out and not tell me where he stayed.

I tend to agree slightly with orbital bone.. I do not know one lad in a relationship that has not cheated or text another girl. I have been on both ends of it

Sound Bite · 11-09-2016 03:34PM

People who cheat will always find a way to cheat if they want to. No amount of worrying, spying, restricting their time away from you etc will stop it happening if they are going to.

Similarly, someone who will respect you and love you will not cheat no matter how many opportunities come their way.

The possibility of being cheated on is inherent in every relationship. You can't control it so worrying about it is pointless. You either trust someone or you don't.

Ave Sodalis · 11-09-2016 03:43PM

I know with 100% certainty that my boyfriend wouldn't cheat on me.

OP, it really just comes down to if this is something you can overcome or not. It might be worth getting help to overcome it. Otherwise, it's not fair on you, and it's not fair on your boyfriend.

Sound Bite · 11-09-2016 03:57PM

sup_dude wrote: »

I know with 100% certainty that my boyfriend wouldn't cheat on me.

OP, it really just comes down to if this is something you can overcome or not. It might be worth getting help to overcome it. Otherwise, it's not fair on you, and it's not fair on your boyfriend.

You couldn't know with 100% certainty. Nobody can say that. You can only know that it is unlikely to happen but to say you have certainty is naive.

meeeeh · 11-09-2016 06:08PM

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

And let's face it, this lad doesn't have a moral code that differs from these other people; if he did, he wouldn't spend anymore time with them than necessary. End of the day, the OP has a right to be concerned; given the amount of potential crap she'll have to deal with because of this lad's social connections - and she will have to deal with it the longer she's with him - it's a nightmare and on top of that, it's toxic.

Some of us pick friends for other qualities not just their dating habits. You can project and judge all you want but I or some other friends never cheated despite having friends who did. Oh has absolutely no proof her bf cheated or intends to cheat.

I must say I don't overly get the insecurity around cheating. You can break up with someone and be miserable before they cheat or you can deal with it if it happens. Only if you are single you will know 100% you are not cheated on.

Ursus Horribilis · 11-09-2016 06:23PM

So what would you have done if your boyfriend had told you where he was staying? Would you have sat in a car just out of sight, watching the house? And even if he replied to a text or answered a call when he's on a night out, how could you know he didn't have a blonde hanging out of him all night? I get the impression that even if he gave you more information it would never be enough for you.

Penny Tration · 11-09-2016 06:32PM

OP, my boyfriend doesn't text me at all when he's out with the lads. It's not because I'm annoying him, he used to text me a lot. It's actually because I tell him not to bother texting when he's out!

Texting when you're with your friends is rude. Nobody wants to bring someone on a night out, knowing they'll be on the phone to their girlfriend all night! He's with his friends to spend time with them, not to use his phone to placate you.

As for telling you where he's staying, why? Why should he? I don't mean to be rude here at all, but he could tell you "hey babe, I'm back at Mark's house now, heading to sleep, love you," and actually be stripping off in preparation to shag some woman from the bar! Even if he tells you where he is, he could be lying, his plans could change, anything could happen.

He shouldn't need to text you on nights out. He shouldn't have to check in with you. He should be able to go out, have fun and chill.

The fact that he doesn't tell you he's going out would make me think that perhaps when he has told you, your mood has changed, this dragging him down and ruining his ability to look forward to his night out. Would that seem accurate?

I've been there, by the way. Despite me being chill with my boyfriend going out, I'm an insecure person. I used to panic and feel like you. Now, I realise it's unhealthy and will just drive away my boyfriend.

So I tell him to have fun, I find something that I enjoy doing, I do it, and i ask him the next day if he had a good night, and that's the end of it!

What's the point in badgering him? If you're worried he'll cheat, you shouldn't be with him tbh. Ultimately, if you're pressure him because of your insecurities, you're essentially pushing him to cheating or dumping you, because eventually he'll wonder what the point is in being repeatedly punished for doing nothing wrong?

LegacyUser · 11-09-2016 08:15PM

Obviously I am not going to sit outside in the car watching him to come home after a night out.. that is a ridiculous statement to make.

I just feel more secure hearing from him. I think it is common courtesy as he knows I will be home worrying. I always text him. As for him not texting me at all when hes out, honestly I dont expect him to be on the phone but ignoring me is a bit Irish too. And as for the remark about him not telling me about going out becuase he was afraid.. ask yourself how you would feel if you didnt hear from your bf all day and only found out he was out drinking on a two day bender when you asked him what he was out and I doubt you would be very happy either. I personally think it was sly not to tell me

Mr Arrior · 11-09-2016 09:31PM

silverbolt wrote: »

But its not always that simple im afraid.

True but you can train yourself to. It's the bottom line in the way a person with OCD has to treat their condition for example.

njs030 · 11-09-2016 10:01PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

Obviously I am not going to sit outside in the car watching him to come home after a night out.. that is a ridiculous statement to make.

I just feel more secure hearing from him. I think it is common courtesy as he knows I will be home worrying. I always text him. As for him not texting me at all when hes out, honestly I dont expect him to be on the phone but ignoring me is a bit Irish too. And as for the remark about him not telling me about going out becuase he was afraid.. ask yourself how you would feel if you didnt hear from your bf all day and only found out he was out drinking on a two day bender when you asked him what he was out and I doubt you would be very happy either. I personally think it was sly not to tell me

We all like people who make us feel good about ourselves, you've basically told him you don't trust him. That isn't making him feel good about him, you or your relationship.
You want him to contact you so you can keep tabs on him while he's out, that's not a relationship that's control, would you like it? I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

Your relationship is already at a point where he avoids telling you his plans because of your insecurities and you're still not seeing the danger signs?? Op they are flashing massive red neon "hes getting sick of your drama" type signs.

You can't control other people op, either accept who he is or break up with him. You're missing the point that it's YOUR problem, not his. You need to deal with it.

Penny Tration · 11-09-2016 10:11PM

OP, based on this response, I think you're determined to blame him for not pandering to your issues, so I'll try break this down piece by piece, with how I'd feel and what I'd do.

kkcuckoo wrote: »

Obviously I am not going to sit outside in the car watching him to come home after a night out.. that is a ridiculous statement to make.

Agreed that you wouldn't do that. I doubt many would!

I just feel more secure hearing from him. I think it is common courtesy as he knows I will be home worrying. I always text him.

It's not courtesy to tell you where he is and what he's doing. If you're sitting at home worrying, that's a serious issue with you. It is something you need treatment and help with. It is not something he should pander to, and it's extremely unreasonable for you to expect this of him.

As for him not texting me at all when hes out, honestly I dont expect him to be on the phone but ignoring me is a bit Irish too.

And you texting him wanting his attention when you know he's with company is even more rude!

And as for the remark about him not telling me about going out becuase he was afraid.. ask yourself how you would feel if you didnt hear from your bf all day and only found out he was out drinking on a two day bender when you asked him what he was out and I doubt you would be very happy either. I personally think it was sly not to tell me

You didn't hear from your boyfriend for a day. You asked him if he was out drinking, he said he was. If that's an issue for you, you should think about why you're so determined to control and police what he does.

Is it sly to not tell you? Perhaps. Equally, it's bordering on abusive to be so demanding and controlling of him. If I were in his position, I wouldn't tell you even if you did ask, to be blunt.

He's a normal adult, doing normal things, seeing friends. And you're treating him like he can't control his penis.

Either seek some serious help for your issues, or dump him. What you're doing is unfair. This isn't just insecurity. I'm insecure, I wouldn't dream of acting like you. This is jealousy, possessiveness, controlling behaviour and is wholly unreasonable.

You need to deal with this in a rational way. You can control how you react to your insecurities, but you're choosing to treat him like a criminal.

Wesser · 11-09-2016 11:57PM

But we haven spoken since yesterday morning because he didn't tell me when he was going out (he only mentioned it in a text the day before) and told me when he was on the way. He also didn't even tell me where he was staying because he didn't know he just said probably one of the lads. I feel he should be making more of an effort since he knows how I feel and he was a little bit selfish. Am I being dramatic thinking that?[/quote]

What is the reason that you haven't spoken since yesterday morning?

Is it because you are giving him the silent treatment?

You say "he didn't tell me when he was going out"....... This sounds like a mother trying to control an unruly 16 year old.....

He did tell not you where he was going..... But then you admit that he probably didn't know....

In short I think it sounds like your anxiety is making you quite controlling and I think in the longterm your boyfriend is probably going to fed up with this behaviour.

My advice to you is the following.

Decide if you can trust him or not based on facts not fiction.

If you don't trust him leave him.

If you trust him then stop trying to check up on him at every occasion and stop trying to control him.

DukeOfTheSharp · 12-09-2016 12:21AM

meeeeh wrote: »

Some of us pick friends for other qualities not just their dating habits. You can project and judge all you want but I or some other friends never cheated despite having friends who did. Oh has absolutely no proof her bf cheated or intends to cheat.

I must say I don't overly get the insecurity around cheating. You can break up with someone and be miserable before they cheat or you can deal with it if it happens. Only if you are single you will know 100% you are not cheated on.

I'm just going to respond to the bold parts:

1) I never said or even implied that. It's clearly not the point I was making, at all. But I feel like that's not important to you at this point.

2) When people use these terms when there's no reason for it, I often find it's because said person is, in fact, projecting somehow, or feeling that they're under attack. This isn't about you, it's about the OP. Stay on topic...again, this is all coming from things I haven't said.

3) At this point you're just using general statements that lack the context of the OP's situation, removing the context from your statement may look logical, but without context, you're avoiding the points the OP has brought up.

Does anyone else get worried when their partner goes drinking without you?

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