Funerals .... wake and / or mass and burial

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 12:59AM #1

Recently a friends parent died. I never met the parent but I'm
Obviously friends with the daughter and will of course pay my respects. I'm
Going to both wake and funeral next day but tbh only because I feel I must/ should.

I hate wakes , ( who enjoys them) don't know anyone but my friend, have no religious or personal compulsion to pay my respects to the body, ( tbh I feel voyeuristic unless u knew the person personally) , but feel etiquette suggests I should go both.

What is the general consensus. I'm
going to both like, but id just go to the mass / burial if I felt I could . Are wakes only for ppl who cant go to funeral?

What do you do? Personally id think ..... if I'd met the person i'd go both. If not, one or other!

retro:electro · 02-09-2016 01:06AM

Generally I pay my respects by going in to the funeral home and shaking hands with the family. It's not something I'm at all comfortable with but it's what society tells me is respectful. I never usually go to the mass and burial the next day, unless it was a very close family member I tend to leave that bit for just the effected family.

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 01:17AM

anna080 wrote:

I never usually go to the mass and burial the next day, unless it was a very close family member I tend to leave that bit for just the effected family.

See i'd have always thought the opposite was true..... that if u went to mass/burial you'd (made more effort ) given ud prob left work to do so . If u went to just wake u were doing ur duty. If u went to both u were either very close to family or very voyeuristic.

Aimeee · 02-09-2016 01:17AM

Most people I know including myself would attend one or the other. Usually the wake, ie funeral home/house and shake hands with family. WouId not really attend church the next day unless they were friends or family.
It doesn't bother me anymore as it used to especially when i first returned to Ireland. It's just so normal now I think.
I find it depends on the amount of funerals attended. Over the last few years there have been a lot, including family. Changes your perspective a bit when you are on the receiving end of all the handshakes (in a positive way).

doubtfir3 · 02-09-2016 01:18AM

Usually for me if I've never been in the house I won't go to the wake.. I will go to a funeral home and generally that suits better than the church.

The only time i'd really go to a house/wake is if I either knew the deceased or a family member well (part of the mourners).

I'd imagine it is pretty exhausting for your friend to shake hands all evening with people they may largely not know, and you might find that you're a welcome familiar face giving a bit of a break.

Up to you really though.. I think that people generally accept and fully understand that funerals and wakes/removals are difficult for people and I don't think there is any one specific "right" thing to do.. just do what you feel ok with and I'm sure it'll be appreciated

dresden8 · 02-09-2016 01:21AM

Best piss up you will ever be at.

Laughs, tears, stories.

Nobody enjoys a funeral, but the events around it are a time to meet friends and family. Share a laugh and make/maintain connections.

That's why we're the best at funerals.

buried · 02-09-2016 01:27AM

Its good to pay your respect to people who are grieving no matter what day you choose to go. It may seem a grim job for you but it pails in comparison to what the immediate family are going through and I know from experience, the immediate family appreciate all those who take the time out of their day to pay their respects. Its all about support and community. Its a real, small but important comfort to people in times of grief, it shows your there for them, that's all you can do at that moment

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 01:35AM

dresden8 wrote:

Best piss up you will ever be at.

I really think thats a thing of the past. I don't know the last wake/ funeral I was at that involved drink. I really think people realised that it was seen as a free for all by people who were there only for that reason . I never even relate drink to wakes anymore. Whereas at my mothers funeral in the eighties I recall ppl calling to the door crate / bottle in hand. Seems crude now.

Chain Smoker · 02-09-2016 01:36AM

Pfft, unless you're close family or something along those lines, you only need to show up at one of them. They'll be so busy they won't really notice/care who's around a bit and who's around a lot (although they'll notice a bit more if you go to the wake than just being one of those hand shaking people at the removal/funeral).

As a friend of the daughter the important thing is to make a bit more of an effort to get in touch with her and check on how things are going over the next few weeks/months.

FrKurtFahrt · 02-09-2016 01:52AM

Where I live the usual protocol is to bring the body directly from the morgue to the family home for the wake (funeral homes are all but unheard of). Its very rural, and its my own preference to attend the wake, where I have no doubt ones presence is appreciated and noted. Perhaps I'm being selfish, but 15 minutes at a wake beats an hour plus at a funeral - other than someone who is particularly close in terms of family/friend/neighbour.

That comment earlier about drink at a wake is utter nonsense nowadays. I've known funerals, however, to be the best of craic - but only in the case of an 'old-age' death - a celebratory sending off, as opposed to a tragic or early or sudden passing.

freshpopcorn · 02-09-2016 02:16AM

The wake is generally held in a funeral home and sometimes in the person home. I generally find a lot of people who are connected to the family attends and just pops and heads home. A few people might hang around but their generally close to the family.
The funeral itself in the church I find it's mainly attended by people close to person and family.
The bit in the grave yard is generally attend by people who mightn't have being able to attend the wake the evening before because they get to met the family at the end and sometimes people who attended the wake attend!
I find sometimes people can attend all parts of the funeral even when their not that close!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 02-09-2016 08:02AM

How close are you to the daughter? I don't think there's a need for you to go to both, especially if you're uncomfortable. I know when my own dad died, my best friend came to the removal that night, and I was so relieved she was there.

Your Face · 02-09-2016 08:09AM

Go to both and support your friend.
Time to put on the Big Person Pants.

_Brian · 02-09-2016 08:17AM

Round here wakes are all in the house, I go if I really know a family member, but only go into the room with the deceased if I actually knew them well myself.

Try to go to removal or funeral as well as a show of support, only go to both for a family member.

Would be traditional that the deceased isn't left alone during the night and typically friends and neighbours would stay up during the night and let the family sleep. I've done the 2-8am sitting a few times in cousins houses where a parent has died.

Winterlong · 02-09-2016 08:47AM

Your decision should be based on 'what is the right thing to do' rather than your preferences. You should go to both to support your friend IMO.

lawlolawl · 02-09-2016 08:48AM

I hate funerals. Everything about them is so unnecessary.

Tote the corpse around the place putting out people who are just trying to go about their lives under the guise of "remembering" or "honoring" someone. Pretty sure the people who the dead lad mattered to can remember them without all the bull**** ceremony.

When i die, i want my corpse removed from where ever it happens, cremated ASAP and they can flush the ashes down the jax for all i care. I'll be legit pissed off if people take one second out of their day to do anything ceremonial.

Death is an inevitable natural occurrence. Don't see anyone having a get together when i take a ****e.

philstar · 02-09-2016 09:03AM

cremation for me

and i made it abundantly clear to my family that i want this song played as i'm popped into the furnace

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 10:36AM

LexieOnRale wrote:

How close are you to the daughter? I don't think there's a need for you to go to both, especially if you're uncomfortable. I know when my own dad died, my best friend came to the removal that night, and I was so relieved she was there.

I'm not uncomfortable as such ( no more than anyone is in these situs) but I would prefer to just go to the mass and burial.

I am however going to both cause I feel shes a close enough friend to warrant that.

Just to clarify I wasn't asking should I go to both or which should I go to. I was just wondering what the general expectation was.

02-09-2016 11:12AM

Do whatever your friend wants you to do. If she wants you to hold her hand for the whole thing, do that. If she just wants you there for the funeral and burial, do that.

It's not really about you.

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 12:52PM

Candie wrote:

It's not really about you.

Where did I say it was? Can I just re iterate I AM GOING TO BOTH! this isn't a thread asking how do I swerve one or other. I just wanted a consensus of the etiquette.

BettePorter · 02-09-2016 01:01PM

Your Face wrote:

Go to both and support your friend. Time to put on the Big Person Pants.

Time to read what I actually said. I am and was always going to both!

Dr Crayfish · 02-09-2016 01:15PM

The last funerals I've been to haven't had that mass thing the evening before, thank god, one ceremony is bad enough. I think culchies still do it though?

deisemum · 02-09-2016 02:50PM

OP when my dad died he was brought home from hospital and waked overnight where his close friends and neighbours sat with him throughout the night and reminisced about his life which was actually very comforting and between the tears there was plenty of laughter when we heard some of the antics or funny things that happened to him. As heartbroken as we were it was also lovely to see another side of my dad from his friends.

The following afternoon/evening we sat for over 4 hours shaking hands with people before he was taken to the church and the following day his funeral mass and invited people to the local hotel for a meal afterwards.

I really appreciated seeing my friends.

Galwayguy35 · 02-09-2016 05:36PM

lawlolawl wrote: »

I hate funerals. Everything about them is so unnecessary.

Tote the corpse around the place putting out people who are just trying to go about their lives under the guise of "remembering" or "honoring" someone. Pretty sure the people who the dead lad mattered to can remember them without all the bull**** ceremony.

When i die, i want my corpse removed from where ever it happens, cremated ASAP and they can flush the ashes down the jax for all i care. I'll be legit pissed off if people take one second out of their day to do anything ceremonial.

Death is an inevitable natural occurrence. Don't see anyone having a get together when i take a ****e.

With an attitude like that I don't think you need worry about anyone showing up when the Grim Reaper comes calling.

Galwayguy35 · 02-09-2016 05:39PM

I usually just go to the funeral parlour or if it's being held at the house and shake hands with the mourners and out again in 5 minutes.

wakka12 · 02-09-2016 05:42PM

More people paying respects does help the affected family, despite you thinking you'll just blend into the many faces who have already done so. Knowing their loved one was loved by others outside the family, and that people cared about him/her is nice peace of mind for the family members, from what Ive seen. It doesn't take that much time out of your life, and will help the family during this hard time.

ChippingSodbury · 02-09-2016 05:49PM

lawlolawl wrote: »

I hate funerals. Everything about them is so unnecessary.

Tote the corpse around the place putting out people who are just trying to go about their lives under the guise of "remembering" or "honoring" someone. Pretty sure the people who the dead lad mattered to can remember them without all the bull**** ceremony.

When i die, i want my corpse removed from where ever it happens, cremated ASAP and they can flush the ashes down the jax for all i care. I'll be legit pissed off if people take one second out of their day to do anything ceremonial.

Death is an inevitable natural occurrence. Don't see anyone having a get together when i take a ****e.

The ceremonies around funerals aren't for the dead person, they're for the people left behind.

lawlolawl · 02-09-2016 06:14PM

ChippingSodbury wrote: »

The ceremonies around funerals aren't for the dead person, they're for the people left behind.

"Left behind" after what? A perfectly natural occurrence? What good does it do someone to make a huge ****ing deal out of someone popping their clogs like we all will? There isn't anything special about dying, any fool can do it.

I need counseling every time someone i know takes a piss. This inevitable part of human life is too much for me to handle. Please drape it in pomp and ceremony so that i can understand it.

EDIT: Also, we aren't "left behind" when someone dies. They didn't go anywhere. They just died and ceased to exist as a result of that.

tradhead · 02-09-2016 06:32PM

Maybe it's a "culchie" thing as somebody suggested earlier but we would generally have a wake, a "removal" (service the night before which can be when the coffin is taken to the church) and a funeral.

Where I'm from, a lot of people would be waked at home and brought straight to the church the morning of the funeral, so the removal takes place without the coffin but it's nice for people who can't get off work the following day to be able to attend and pay their respects. I've only ever gone to wakes of close family friends or family members, so would usually just go to the removal if it's somebody I don't know that well but I still want to pay respects.

Some people here have strange ideas about funerals but I know I will never forget the people who made the effort to come to my granny's wake, removal and funeral when I was a teenager, I was devastated at the time but I still remember a few unexpected people that were there and came up to give me a hug, and how much it meant to me.

I also think the traditional wake being a place to tell stories and reminisce about the person, and particularly staying up all night with them is just lovely, and I hope it's a tradition that lasts.

ChippingSodbury · 02-09-2016 06:42PM

Do you have parents that are still alive? Or maybe a partner or kids?

Giz a shout if one of them dies and I'll flush toilet for you: it'll save you the bother.

Or maybe at that stage, you might be a little more understanding of the pomp and ceremonies that take place (and why).

You've missed the point if you think it's anything to do with religion. It's about caring for the loved ones "left behind" as in still living. That's what communities do...
Or maybe not in hipster world.

Or maybe you'll go like this instead of dying
Lawlolawl s/he was there,
he did his famous roll,
he stuck his head between his legs and vanished up his hole

ChippingSodbury · 02-09-2016 06:49PM

tradhead wrote: »

Maybe it's a "culchie" thing as somebody suggested earlier but we would generally have a wake, a "removal" (service the night before which can be when the coffin is taken to the church) and a funeral.

Where I'm from, a lot of people would be waked at home and brought straight to the church the morning of the funeral, so the removal takes place without the coffin but it's nice for people who can't get off work the following day to be able to attend and pay their respects. I've only ever gone to wakes of close family friends or family members, so would usually just go to the removal if it's somebody I don't know that well but I still want to pay respects.

Some people here have strange ideas about funerals but I know I will never forget the people who made the effort to come to my granny's wake, removal and funeral when I was a teenager, I was devastated at the time but I still remember a few unexpected people that were there and came up to give me a hug, and how much it meant to me.

I also think the traditional wake being a place to tell stories and reminisce about the person, and particularly staying up all night with them is just lovely, and I hope it's a tradition that lasts.

I too am a culchie. Wakes are a great thing for families/ loved ones because it gives them time to remember the deceased and time to start to adjust to life without them while surrounded by their friends/ community rather than doing it alone.

Funerals .... wake and / or mass and burial

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