Invite conundrum...

GingerLily wrote: »

Yes good point, small weddings have smaller refusal rates, especially if the location is convenient!

Sorry, that was point I was making depending on location and day of week. A dublin couple having 90 people down to cork on a thursday will see refusal rates high, a taxi ride home on a saturday may see drop out rates very low. Milage may vary.

intheclouds wrote: »

And Id never go to just the afters of a wedding. Afters invites are the height of tack.

I think that's a bit harsh. I've had great fun at weddings where I've only been invited to the afters. Sometimes it's due to budget constraints on the couple, sometimes it's just been a way to invite work friends to help celebrate. I'd never think it's tack - you're still getting invited to share their celebration.

GingerLily wrote: »

There's a big difference between an afters invite for a group of people, usually work or sports team, and an afters invite when your partners received a full invite, the second type is an insult IMO

Oh yeah I completely agree with that.

intheclouds wrote: »

Each to their own, I think its tacky and usually a bit scabby.

Its a way of making up numbers for the evening dancing without paying for a meal for someone. The invitee will still have all of the expense of an outfit, travel, hotel room etc.

If you want someone to help celebrate your wedding then invite them invite them to the wedding and not just to the afters. The term "plate lickers invite" is apt.

I'd never see it as a way of "making up numbers". Usually if I'm invited to an afters, I don't stay and wear something I've worn before so never a massive expense to me.

I would prefer people didn't spend massive amounts on weddings and get themselves into debt rather than think they have to issue a full invite to absolutely everyone for the full thing. I have a large extended family and if I was getting married there is no way that I'd be able to afford to have them all there for the meal, I would like them there though at some point if they could so would see an afters invite as a good compromise on that. I know that's what my sister is doing. I would hate to think people are thinking she's "scabby" but she has a budget and is sticking to it.

SarahMollie wrote: »

His POV was that weddings are boring anyway so why would I even want to be invited, and couldnt myself and the other uninvited girlfriends just amuse ourselves during the day, and come later. My POV was that I wouldnt be treated like a second class citizen or waste my weekend hanging around from crumbs from the masters table, so if he wanted to go, he could go alone.

I think its mad that people take these things that seriously. I mean, its a wedding invite, its not any judgement on your person. The couple perceived you werent close enough to get the invite but your bf was, its their call to make, they wanted your boyfriend there, not you, you are different people.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but Im struggling to see how you are got so offended by this. As I say, its just a wedding invite from what sounds like an acquaintance at best, I don't know how you took it this personally!

TheNibbler wrote: »

Having a smallish wedding (around 80 guests). Ideally it would be smaller but once we started writing out the list it became clear 80 was about the minimum we could do (once we decided it wasn't going to be just our immediate families).

We decided to limit the plus ones to couples where we have met the girlfriend/boyfriend at least once or twice. Do feel guilt above ut not inviting some partners but we just felt we had to keep the numbers down some how both to keep the day relatively intimate and because of the size of the venue we chose. As a compromise we plan on telling those in relationships that they're welcome to bring their partner to the afters (Dublin wedding, all those in question live in Dublin).

However, recently one such couple got engaged (after a relatively short time together). Have never met her but have been contemplating whether it would be strange not to invite her to the whole thing now.....but don't want to make one rule for one friend and a different one for others!?

Have found the whole wedding planning process fairly stress free with the notable exception of the guest list!

First of all congrats on your upcoming nuptials.
We had a similar situation with regard to numbers/budget etc, and we adopted a similar approach regarding plus 1s (based on how well we knew the partner/if they were co-habiting/if they were engaged or just new on the scene etc) We spoke to everyone who wasn't getting a plus 1 before invites went out and explained the score and told them they could have plus 1 for the afters. As they knew our situation and most were more than happy with that (one guy who was only newly coupled up was a bit peeved but by the time the wedding came around he was single again anyway)
Then as our rsvps came in and spaces became available we were able to include plus 1s based on criteria above.
A friend of mine asked all of us from the office to the main thing and invited partners to the afters which was totally fine then when she was going through her rsvps she was able to extend plus 1s to people on a similar basis to us.
I think the important thing is to be totally up front with your friends and I'm sure they'll understand. I would definitely find a way of including the new fiancée (as someone else suggested maybe invite them for a meal or Skype just so you can cover your a$$ on the not knowing or meeting them bit)
Anyway, hope it all goes well for you in the lead up to and on the day.

This is such a point of argument for so many couples its crazy..

Personally if I have only met someone three times and have limited numbers for whatever reason I wouldn't be feeling obliged to have peoples partners there. If I could great but if I couldn't I dont see the issue.

In the same sense if my OH was invited to a wedding for a couple that I had met 2/3 times but he had knows for years I wouldn't be put out at all (and we are getting married next year!) the reality is that it is going to be one of the most important days of the bride and grooms lives and they dont want 25% of the room to be people they have never met - especially if they are having to cut out having some people there because of numbers.

And honestly why would I want to go to a wedding when I have met the couple three times? I wouldn't know more than 5 or 6 people more than likely and wouldn't even know the bride and groom well enough to not be awkward congratulating them - personally I wouldn't understand why I was there..

Similarly if someone invited my OH to whole wedding and me to the afters if he wanted me there I wouldn't see the issue - most hotels have spas and room service, much more relaxing than waiting around all day for dinner lol Personally I think it is a bit crazy for OH's regardless of status to expect a full invite to a wedding of people they barely know when they are potentially taking the place of someone that is important to the Bride & Groom just because they feel obliged to invite couples rather than just the one they actually know. Do you also get put out when your not invited to the OH's xmas work party or similar events?

And if they did get drops offs and gave a second tier round of plus ones - again I dont see how its insulting? They have extra spaces and are inviting you - fine its second tier invited but at the same time you probably don't even know basic details about them like how many siblings they have, the name of their pet, their career etc. Personally I think it would be a bit selfish to expect a full invite whether you are the person who has been around 3 months, 3 years, married, engaged, have kids together.. whatever.

At the end of the day a wedding is for close family and friends of the people getting married - so would it not stand to reason that all of the people in the room should actually know the people getting married at least pretty well?

Maybe I am too black and white with my opinion and I know its not a popular one but I would feel incredibly uncomfortable on my wedding day looking out to a room of people and not even being able to remember everyone's name because I met them that one or two times over the course of a couple of years...

intheclouds wrote: »

Gawd, even the whole notion of tier 1 and tier 2 spaces - it so crass!!

Its not a concert!

Exactly - its not a concert and its not a party or something insignificant so why would someone who has only ever met the person a few times in their whole life be entitled to be there?