Another Heartbreak Thread

As Ellie said, but also you need to do a social media cleanse and stay out of each others way as much as possible. Knowing what she's up to will only make it harder. Its like picking a scab when its trying to heal - it will just take longer if you don't leave it alone.

Toughtime wrote: »

I suppose we did have have a serious row at the start of February that threatened to finish it but seemed to come through that and got on well until a row at end of April that finished it. but I suppose every relationship has arguments every so often or maybe not.

A couple of rows don't finish relationships. Your ex didn't want to continue with this and that's what caused the split. If couples having a few rows broke up relationships, there'd be nothing but single people out there. There probably were other warning signs too but you never spotted them. It's a real pity she cited this flimsy excuse as the reason for breaking up because you've fallen for the lie.

I don't want to knock your confidence any further but there's a chance she had met this other guy before this row that supposedly ruined things and she was always going to leave regardless. The row saved her having to trot out the usual "It's not you, it's me/I love you but I'm not in love with you" nonsense.

Just think that I'll be regretting this mistake for rest of my life and that I ruined my one chance of happiness. I know I'm not over it yet even though I'm trying hard to. She was my first real serious relationship...

Now this does not surprise me at all. If you're someone who finds it hard to meet girlfriends, a break-up like this is going to even more devastating. Talk of there being plenty more fish in the sea is hard to take when you think of all those times when you've been single. Having said that, seeing her as your one and only chance at happiness is delusional and negative. If you choose to believe this and wallow in self-pity, you'll never find another girlfriend and you'll be still regretting this "one mistake" for the rest of your life.

Why not look at this in another way. That despite your low opinion of yourself, you are a man who has plenty to offer. You met a woman who liked you enough to go out with you for two years. It didn't work out in the end but still, there were a lot of good things in it. You can have this with another women but only if you banish this "once chance of happiness" notion from your head. You're only 32 for heaven's sake, not 92. Instead of sitting at home wallowing, get yourself out into social situations where you'll meet different people. Join a tag rugby team, go walk some hills, take up a hobby that involves meeting people on a regular basis. You never know when you might find a nice single lady or a someone who has a friend who's a nice single lady.

Nobody can say for sure whether shouting during a row and saying that hurtful thing wrecked your relationship. Having read what else you've told us about it, I'd not be as adamant about it as you are. I wonder have you put her up on a plinth because she was the only woman who was willing to date you long-term? Regardless of what you said during that row, breaking up by text is very poor form. Maybe she was using you and never quite felt as strongly about you as you did about her.

Regardless of why she broke up with you, you have two choices. Either you wallow in self-pity, become a broken record going on about how one mistake ruined everything and swear you'll never meet anyone else. Or you tell yourself that you are relationship material and have a lot to offer some other woman. You learn from the mistakes you made in this one and take this knowledge forward with you. What do you have to gain by dwelling on the past? Feck all from what I can see.

Breakups are rarely even on both sides of the fence. The emotional fallout will be different for the "dumper' and the "dumpee".

While you saw no problems in the relationship, loved your ex-gf and were envisaging a life together - she was going through her own emotional processes which were obviously moving in another direction. She was unsure, confused, questioning the relationship and coming to different conclusions. She was probably out the door emotionally a lot longer than six weeks ago, so this new guy isn't as daunting and shell-shocking of an experience to her as it seems to you.

You're in a different headspace. You didn't see it coming and you can't imagine life without her. It sucks, I know. Nothing about it seems right or fair, but you simply have to sit in this horrible place, let the anger and the rage and the sadness and the pain wash through you and trust that you'll be alright. Because you totally will. There's no manual for this stuff, but most people you pass on the street have had their hearts torn out of their chest at some stage and they've all lived to tell the tale. They've moved on, perhaps married, had kids, lived abroad, got promoted, travelled the world, smiled, laughed, built a whole life with someone new.

Where you are right now is the nasty, painful, gut-wrenching bit that really shapes who you are and wises you up to your own needs in a relationship, in a life partner. Next time you'll probably be slower to fall, but wiser to red flags and subtle signs of incompatibilities and deal-breakers that can wash over you when you're new to relationships.

But for now just give yourself permission to wallow. Give yourself a few days or a week at home with no commitments and process this in whatever way you can. Write, cry, scream, yell, sleep, vent, punch walls, whatever. Let the reality of it sink in because without addressing these feelings you'll be walking around like a shadow of yourself for years to come. You'll know when the time is right for you to begin to move on.

The final bit of advice I'd give to you is to stop comparing. I know it's hard when you're at an age where everyone is settling down, but that's their life, their path and this is yours. You're more than just a number with a robotic response to societal expectation - you're a unique human with your own personality and your own script and your own life story and things will happen in the order that they're meant to happen for you, and not anybody else. The grass is always greener too you know. You never know who may be envying your singledom and your freedom.

'Everything happens for a reason'. Simple yet brilliant motto imo. If ye don't end up together then ye weren't meant to be OP. Just means that you are now free to meet the person that will make you happier than she ever could.

I had something similar but probably a to smaller degree. I was working with this woman during last July and August and long story short fell head over heals for her. First time ive ever been in love imo. She had a BF so nothing could happen but when we stopped working together it was almost like withdrawal symptoms. I decided to tell her because I thought the feeling may have been mutual as she had been complaining a lot about the BF to me but she told me that she loved her BF and nothing would happen. I was very down. As I said my situation wouldn't have been as bad but it was my first experience of heartbreak.