Jealous Partner

batmanrobin · 25-07-2016 12:11PM

OP, she accused you of arranging for someone to let the cat in. That is unbalanced thinking.

Honestly, I'd worry for your physical safety. Take your dog and some clothes and go stay at your folks for a while. Don't tell her you're doing this until you're safely out of the house.

A bit of space might help you to make the choice you know you need to make.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-07-2016 12:34PM

You will never make her happy. Never. You will spend your life walking on egg shells. Avoiding situations that might set her off. Or lying to her so as not to set her off. Then she'll catch you out on the lie and it will all blow up again. You said it yourself, if there is nothing to actually get angry about she'll make something up.

Fk her, giving you the silent treatment? You should be giving HER the silent treatment. But, what will happen? You'll make the first move. You'll try to make things right. You'll probay apologise for shouting at her? And she just carries on, because she was right, and you just affirmed that.

You will never make her happy. It's not possible. If it was possible she would be happy. You're not doing anything strange or unusual for a relationship. So it doesn't matter. Whatever you do/don't do will make her unhappy, or angry or whatever. How long more of your life are you going to spend bending yourself to the will of another person who will just keep shifting the goalposts? You won't make her happy. You can't make her happy. You don't know what to do, because there is nothing that can be done.

She is an unhappy person. That's up to her to sort out, not up to you to twist yourself in knots trying to fix it for her.

intheclouds · 25-07-2016 12:36PM

You cant make another person happy, happiness comes from within.

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 12:40PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You will never make her happy. Never. You will spend your life walking on egg shells. Avoiding situations that might set her off. Or lying to her so as not to set her off. Then she'll catch you out on the lie and it will all blow up again. You said it yourself, if there is nothing to actually get angry about she'll make something up.

Fk her, giving you the silent treatment? You should be giving HER the silent treatment. But, what will happen? You'll make the first move. You'll try to make things right. You'll probay apologise for shouting at her? And she just carries on, because she was right, and you just affirmed that.

You will never make her happy. It's not possible. If it was possible she would be happy. You're not doing anything strange or unusual for a relationship. So it doesn't matter. Whatever you do/don't do will make her unhappy, or angry or whatever. How long more of your life are you going to spend bending yourself to the will of another person who will just keep shifting the goalposts? You won't make her happy. You can't make her happy. You don't know what to do, because there is nothing that can be done.

She is an unhappy person. That's up to her to sort out, not up to you to twist yourself in knots trying to fix it for her.

Hi BBOC, I feel like your post is an affirmation. I feel like if I keep reading it, I might find the strength to leave. In fact, I think I'll stick it on the fridge!

Sapphire · 25-07-2016 12:59PM

Google the cycle of abuse, Old Not Wise.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

It goes: Tension building - Incident - Reconciliation - Calm and back to the Tension building again.

Right now you are post-incident. You are the one that usually makes the first move towards reconciliation or placation. So she's waiting for you to do what you usually do - grovel and make her feel justified at her outburst. Then you'll be calm and loved up again and then you'll do 'something' again to set her off.

That 'something' will always be the moving goalpost. This time it was the farcical cat getting in. It had to be your fault in her mind. Even if it was her that left the window open, you would have been blamed for not reminding her. She's never to blame. That 'something' will always change. Just when you think you've got a handle on all the things that set her off, a new one will surface. Because its not about the 'thing'. Its about the fact that her personality is wired to continually follow the cycle of abuse. And the longer you are in a relationship with someone abusive, the shorter that cycle becomes so it used to be once every few months turning into every weekend, and the more volatile the rows become - at first smashing possessions in the house (yours, usually something you value, or occasionally something she owns but doesn't really care about, but you'll notice its not something she prizes or values, she's not that out of control) eventually progressing to physical attacks on you.

Right now you are being subjected to verbal and emotional abuse. No relationship is worth that. None.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-07-2016 02:01PM

And the longer you are in a relationship with someone abusive, the shorter that cycle becomes so it used to be once every few months turning into every weekend, and the more volatile the rows become - at first smashing possessions in the house (yours, usually something you value, or occasionally something she owns but doesn't really care about, but you'll notice its not something she prizes or values, she's not that out of control) eventually progressing to physical attacks on you.

I don't want to scaremonger but the thing of value that she might want to damage may not be an ornament or something. It could be your dog. If I was thinking like your girlfriend, I couldn't think of anything better to put manners on you but to threaten or hurt the dog.

This latest episode simply reinforces everything we've been saying. You're in an abusive relationship and it's getting worse. Domestic abuse often does escalate and that's what has happened here. Her behaviour is not normal and I have to admit I was stunned to read her reaction. It says a lot about her and the way she sees you and the world around her. Most people would've turned the air blue in shock at what they'd found but then set about sorting it out. She lost the plot, decided to blame you and had a meltdown. That is NOT normal. Do you think she'd do that to a work colleague or one of her friends? Why should you be different?

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 02:42PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't want to scaremonger but the thing of value that she might want to damage may not be an ornament or something. It could be your dog. If I was thinking like your girlfriend, I couldn't think of anything better to put manners on you but to threaten or hurt the dog.

This latest episode simply reinforces everything we've been saying. You're in an abusive relationship and it's getting worse. Domestic abuse often does escalate and that's what has happened here. Her behaviour is not normal and I have to admit I was stunned to read her reaction. It says a lot about her and the way she sees you and the world around her. Most people would've turned the air blue in shock at what they'd found but then set about sorting it out. She lost the plot, decided to blame you and had a meltdown. That is NOT normal. Do you think she'd do that to a work colleague or one of her friends? Why should you be different?

I don't believe she would hurt the dog, she loves her (possibly the only love she is capable of). I would die before I would put my dog at risk

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 25-07-2016 02:48PM

If she knows the dog is the only way to get to you?

Sapphire · 25-07-2016 03:10PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't want to scaremonger but the thing of value that she might want to damage may not be an ornament or something. It could be your dog. If I was thinking like your girlfriend, I couldn't think of anything better to put manners on you but to threaten or hurt the dog.

Actually, you are right. The dog is vulnerable to bearing the brunt of her anger

wrote:

She lost the plot, decided to blame you and had a meltdown. That is NOT normal. Do you think she'd do that to a work colleague or one of her friends? Why should you be different?

Very often, people don't want to believe that the person that they love is abusive. We want to think that they have anger management issues. However the key difference between anger management candidates and domestic abusers is that AM anger is usually directed at everyone. Anger at their partner, their kids, but also with road rage, the shop assistant or a randomer on the street. They could be irrationally angry at their boss to the point of getting fired. Or with Gardai despite knowing it could result in getting arrested. They usually can't control their rage, even in situations where its a really bad idea to kick off.

The targeted anger of the DV perpetrator towards their partner or their kids is a controlled one that is a very different dynamic. They are usually a very charming person outside the house. Would never raise a voice to their boss, or to people in authority. Often appears to be an ideal partner to their social circle to the point where you look like the hotter head of the partnership.

And because of those differences, the fixing of it is also very different. Anger management counselling can work quite well, because once the person learns how to control their anger or find and address the root cause, then all their interpersonal interactions benefit. Domestic Abuser counselling is markedly far less successful - and there have been many experts who tried over the years to rehabilitate abusers but it fails because they can already control their tempers. They just choose to unleash it on their partner instead.

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 03:20PM

Sapphire wrote: »

Actually, you are right. The dog is vulnerable to bearing the brunt of her anger

Very often, people don't want to believe that the person that they love is abusive. We want to think that they have anger management issues. However the key difference between anger management candidates and domestic abusers is that AM anger is usually directed at everyone. Anger at their partner, their kids, but also with road rage, the shop assistant or a randomer on the street. They could be irrationally angry at their boss to the point of getting fired. Or with Gardai despite knowing it could result in getting arrested. They usually can't control their rage, even in situations where its a really bad idea to kick off.

The targeted anger of the DV perpetrator towards their partner or their kids is a controlled one that is a very different dynamic. They are usually a very charming person outside the house. Would never raise a voice to their boss, or to people in authority. Often appears to be an ideal partner to their social circle to the point where you look like the hotter head of the partnership.

And because of those differences, the fixing of it is also very different. Anger management counselling can work quite well, because once the person learns how to control their anger or find and address the root cause, then all their interpersonal interactions benefit. Domestic Abuser counselling is markedly far less successful - and there have been many experts who tried over the years to rehabilitate abusers but it fails because they can already control their tempers. They just choose to unleash it on their partner instead.

It seems she might fall into both categories. One of the things I dislike about her is in fact her treatment of certain categories of people, which should have been a red flag from the get go, so I cant consider myself not warned. She can be very rude to service staff in restaurants and bars, taxi drivers, shop assistants - basically people she considers to be "easy targets" and yes she would have issues controlling her temper if she feels in any way slighted. Someone beeped her a number of years back for not moving off fast enough at the lights and she reversed the car into them :eek: I should have run for the hills then. Then there are people she wont say boo to, like her parents for example. She's afraid to even tell them she is gay.

intheclouds · 25-07-2016 03:35PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

It seems she might fall into both categories. One of the things I dislike about her is in fact her treatment of certain categories of people, which should have been a red flag from the get go, so I cant consider myself not warned. She can be very rude to service staff in restaurants and bars, taxi drivers, shop assistants - basically people she considers to be "easy targets" and yes she would have issues controlling her temper if she feels in any way slighted. Someone beeped her a number of years back for not moving off fast enough at the lights and she reversed the car into them :eek: I should have run for the hills then. Then there are people she wont say boo to, like her parents for example. She's afraid to even tell them she is gay.

She sounds like a bully who is a coward before anyone who would stand up to her.

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 03:40PM

intheclouds wrote: »

She sounds like a bully who is a coward before anyone who would stand up to her.

Yes, I think you are right.

cazzer22 · 25-07-2016 05:29PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Yes, I think you are right.

OP please end this relationship for your own good. Everything you have said about her just highlights the emotional abuse she has put you through over your relationship. She isn't interested in changing and has clear anger issues that nobody can even attempt to understand. I know it's so hard and I'm there with you having been in a very similar relationship but it's really damaging in the long run and you have to put yourself first.

Sound Bite · 25-07-2016 07:25PM

OP, you don't have to post them here but can you think of 3 good reasons to stay or even 3 positive things you are getting from this relationship right now?

And please don't count because you love her as a reason because sometimes walking away from someone we love is the best thing to do.

Dial Hard · 26-07-2016 12:11AM

OldNotWIse wrote:

It seems she might fall into both categories. One of the things I dislike about her is in fact her treatment of certain categories of people, which should have been a red flag from the get go, so I cant consider myself not warned. She can be very rude to service staff in restaurants and bars, taxi drivers, shop assistants - basically people she considers to be "easy targets" and yes she would have issues controlling her temper if she feels in any way slighted. Someone beeped her a number of years back for not moving off fast enough at the lights and she reversed the car into them I should have run for the hills then. Then there are people she wont say boo to, like her parents for example. She's afraid to even tell them she is gay.

ONW, seriously: read your posts from an outsider's perspective and imagine what you'd say to the OP in that scenario. Then take that advice.

OldNotWIse · 26-07-2016 10:24AM

Still getting the silent treatment but for once, I decided not to do the usual apology/I was wrong/are you ok thing and I did the very same back and just got on with things. I could feel the anger when she realised what I was at. Well, I have nothing to apologise for so if she wants to communicate she knows where I am.

I am thinking that perhaps this might be the beginning of the end, and maybe if we just drift then at some point she will just walk. I know that's a cop out but it would make my life easier.

intheclouds · 26-07-2016 10:25AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I am thinking that perhaps this might be the beginning of the end, and maybe if we just drift then at some point she will just walk. I know that's a cop out but it would make my life easier.

Why dont you just walk?

sReq | uTeK · 26-07-2016 10:29AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Still getting the silent treatment but for once, I decided not to do the usual apology/I was wrong/are you ok thing and I did the very same back and just got on with things. I could feel the anger when she realised what I was at. Well, I have nothing to apologise for so if she wants to communicate she knows where I am.

I am thinking that perhaps this might be the beginning of the end, and maybe if we just drift then at some point she will just walk. I know that's a cop out but it would make my life easier.

Youre clearly not taking any advice and this thread has become a blog/soap opera.

Just walk for christ sakes and keep your dignity,

OldNotWIse · 26-07-2016 10:29AM

intheclouds wrote: »

Why dont you just walk?

I don't know...

OldNotWIse · 26-07-2016 10:30AM

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Youre clearly not taking any advice and this thread has become a blog/soap opera.

Just walk for christ sakes and keep your dignity,

Actually this thread has been very helpful and I have taken a lot on board and am starting to see things from a different perspective, but its not at all easy to leave an abusive relationship. I hope this is something you never learn for yourself. If you don't like the thread then why do you subscribe?

ps I wish it was a soap opera because at least then it would be fictional.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-07-2016 10:31AM

You probably don't want to leave because you're terrified of being single again. Is there anyone you could ask for help? Your dad? Don't let pride get in the way.

OldNotWIse · 26-07-2016 10:34AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You probably don't want to leave because you're terrified of being single again. Is there anyone you could ask for help? Your dad? Don't let pride get in the way.

I actually wouldn't mind being single again, and have the freedom to see friends and family and not worry about píssing her off etc. I suppose I feel sad because we have already spent so long together (though there is no point throwing good years after bad ones), and I guess on some level when she is not being nasty, somewhere I believe that maybe she will change. Perhaps she misses her family or perhaps she wants to leave me too but of course needs me for a visa.

ManOfMystery · 26-07-2016 10:34AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Still getting the silent treatment but for once, I decided not to do the usual apology/I was wrong/are you ok thing and I did the very same back and just got on with things. I could feel the anger when she realised what I was at. Well, I have nothing to apologise for so if she wants to communicate she knows where I am.

I am thinking that perhaps this might be the beginning of the end, and maybe if we just drift then at some point she will just walk. I know that's a cop out but it would make my life easier.

To be blunt OP, your OH isn't coming across well here at all. She doesn't sound like a particularly nice person most of the time - not just to you, but looking down her nose at others.

IMO you're procrastinating and delaying the inevitable, because you know it will be difficult and involve tears and roaring and whatnot. I understand because I went through the same, I broke up with someone who was 'difficult' many years ago - but it took me months of thinking about it before I actually did it. In hindsight, I kept putting it off because I'm generally an easygoing person and couldn't really face the thought of the row when I eventually did it. I wish now I had been honest and true to my feelings, and acted early instead of letting it drag on for months.

My advice : seize the day and don't put it off any longer. People like her (with the odd exception granted) generally don't change. From what you've told us, she's not in the middle of a bereavement, job loss, depression, mid-life crisis, physical problem or any of the other million reasons that you might excuse someone for their temporary stress & drama - that that they would excuse jealousy and possessiveness. This is her personality. It's who she is.

For once, why don't YOU dictate how things go and put her in her place. Waiting around for her to end things won't happen because as difficult as she is, she knows she probably wouldn't get away with it with someone new. You are an easy and comfortable target for her. Just walk - you might mourn the loss of a relationship for a while, but the sense of liberation will be a great comforter.

Slutmonkey57b · 26-07-2016 10:51AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I actually wouldn't mind being single again, and have the freedom to see friends and family and not worry about píssing her off etc. I suppose I feel sad because we have already spent so long together (though there is no point throwing good years after bad ones), and I guess on some level when she is not being nasty, somewhere I believe that maybe she will change. Perhaps she misses her family or perhaps she wants to leave me too but of course needs me for a visa.

She is not going to change.

And she "needs you for a visa".

Stop thinking about what she "needs". She's a manipulative abusive bully. That's all. Nothing more. Everything else is a sideshow to that.

intheclouds · 26-07-2016 10:56AM

Wouldnt you think if she "needs you for a visa" she would be doing her best to keep you sweet? People never fail to amaze me.

She has no respect for you and given some of the things you have posted she is a nasty bully.

Do yourself a favour and finish it. You will feel immediately better.

suicide_circus · 26-07-2016 11:18AM

Your OH is a basket case and you've checked out of the relationship and are essentially engaging in emotional cheating with this knight in shining armour figure. For the love of God, be a grown up and break up.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-07-2016 11:28AM

intheclouds wrote: »

Wouldnt you think if she "needs you for a visa" she would be doing her best to keep you sweet? People never fail to amaze me.

She has no respect for you and given some of the things you have posted she is a nasty bully.

Do yourself a favour and finish it. You will feel immediately better.

She doesn't need to keep the OP sweet because she has demonstrated repeatedly that she's willing to put up with her bullying. When bullies see that they can get away with something, they push the envelope and do worse and worse things. Is it any different to someone who bullies in the workplace? You'd think that they'd not pick on their victim because they could lose their job.

I don't see any reason whatsoever why your girlfriend will break up with you. She needs the visa, she probably doesn't want to be single either and it's just too much hassle. The pair of you are together for all the wrong reasons.

The fact that this is your second abusive relationship is something you need to have a long think about. I hope you find the strength to break up with her soon. She is very unlikely to break up with you.

Keane2baMused · 26-07-2016 12:01PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

Your OH is a basket case and you've checked out of the relationship and are essentially engaging in emotional cheating with this knight in shining armour figure. For the love of God, be a grown up and break up.

Sorry OP but I have to completely agree with this.

Coming from someone who left an abusive relationship, I know how hard it is. However, you're remaining in this relationship even though you know she will never change.

We are all responsible for our own futures. Waiting for her to breakup with you is ridiculous and asking for more trouble than you are already getting.

Fakediamond · 26-07-2016 10:54PM

Don't think she wouldn't hurt the dog to get at you, she would. I'm sure many abusers love their children, but theyre more than capable of hurting them to get at their partners. She only "loves" the dog because she gets devoted loyalty and obedience from her.

Please gather your important documents and leave them with your family, passport etc. Have a safety plan in place to get out in a hurry, if you have to. Arrange a code word or phrase that will summon help if you are in danger.

This will never change, it will only get worse. Please phone Women's Aid and have a chat, it's just making a start and talking to people who know where you're at. You'll know when you're ready to leave and they will help you to stay safe until then.

batmanrobin · 27-07-2016 09:06AM

Apologies if I missed it, but have you spoken to Women's Aid or anyone like that? Is any of the advice being taken on board? I don't mean to sound harsh, but this thread is reading like your diary.

You've been given some really good advice here, some by posters who have been through what you're going through. Do try to listen to it. It takes a lot of strength to leave any relationship. But she's not going to change and unless you want to be writing in this thread for the next 40 years (assuming she doesn't turn violent and batter you into an early grave), you need to get out.

Jealous Partner

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