Jealous Partner

Pro Hoc Vice · 08-07-2016 12:58PM

Sapphire wrote: »

Nope. Same sex couple.

Yup guessed that now I'm a bit slow today.

Dial Hard · 08-07-2016 01:03PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I mean, I did love her once and think maybe I still do. We have had some great times together - I just didn't focus in on them as they weren't in issue. I just wish she would trust me and give me a little freedom - I'm not a player, I don't want to fúck around with randomers and have always had a more "settled" approach to being in a relationship.

So where does this chap that you've clearly been confiding all your relationship issues in and who drove into town at the drop of a hat to sweep you home when you were uspet fit into all this???

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 01:04PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

So where does this chap that you've clearly been confiding all your relationship issues in and who drove into town at the drop of a hat to sweep you home when you were uspet fit into all this???

He doesn't.

m'lady · 08-07-2016 01:42PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

He doesn't.

I'm not being a cow op but if he doesn't then why is he even getting a mention then? Seriously I really think you need to start being honest with yourself..

s4uv3 · 08-07-2016 01:43PM

OP do you have good friends/family nearby that you can rely on?
What I would suggest you do is to go home and quietly pack a bag for a few days/week.
Then very calmly but meaningfully sit your partner down and tell her that you need a bit of space to clear your head. That you're going to stay with X for a few days, and that you won't be in touch until you've had time to think and straighten yourself out. Then go. No argument, no reasoning, don't hang around at all, just walk out the door.
Turn your phone off, and leave it off, you can live without it for a few days. Even if you need it, dont answer calls or read texts. Total radio silence.

Do this for five days, stay away and completely avoid her, and I promise the fog will lift and your head will become clear.

It will be hard, like, way harder than you think it will, but you need to find the strength to do this for just the few days. You need, and deserve to do that for yourself.

SarahMollie · 08-07-2016 01:45PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

He doesn't.

Yeah OP, read back over your posts on this point.

You've mentioned him a few times in a "maybe the grass would be greener" context.

You're head is (understandably) all over the place, but it sounds like your using this man. You think he is an alternative option for you and you're letting yourself cry on his shoulder because that suits you. You're most likely leading him on.

There really doesn't need to be 3 people in this situation.

Keane2baMused · 08-07-2016 02:44PM

OP not to be harsh here but I had a feeling there was more to this than meets the eye.

As I said sometimes there's no smoke without fire.

While her behaviour isn't acceptable in any way, frankly yours is questionable also. Have you considered the possibility your OH doesn't trust you for a reason?

LegacyUser · 08-07-2016 03:42PM

So you've mentally checked out, she has clocked it and it's now spiralling as she desperately wants to cling to relationship in what appears to be abusive/controlling behaviour? I agree her behaviour is both abusive and controlling but I'd imagine there's plenty more than meets the eye. This knight in shining armour who's always there for you has feature a bit. And you've stated yourself that fact he is male is confusing, are you a bi woman? Tbh I can see your partners concerns if your drinking with him and painting him in such a favourable light. You've also said your usually more settled nights in, takeaways, so is this after works drinks etc a new you? Again I can see your partner's legitimate concerns there. Are you paying her any positive attention anymore? You've gone from being receptive of her contact and attention to dismissive. It's very easy to entitle a post "jealous girlfriend" and have strangers concur but have you seriously considered your own behaviour in this?

dellas1979 · 08-07-2016 06:45PM

She doesnt trust you OP. Its as simple as that.

Lets get some understanding here...

I've a feeling that this is some baggage she is carrying around with her from some stage in her life. It could be anything from a partner cheating on her, to feeling abandoned for some reason as a kid (basically, [insert reason here]).

But, this is for her to figure out, and to deal with. Should she want to.
But, you cant fix this.

You do have another option in this. You can say you both need space. Let her know, you want her to figure this out, as you'd like a healthy relationship. That you can be there to support her, but the controlling ways is no longer an option.

You seem like a very laid back character in general, which is lovely. But a complete walk over with that you need in a relationship. And this will continue until you yourself learn to assert yourself.

silverbolt · 09-07-2016 03:11PM

my last partner showed elements of this. Didnt like me going out without her, would question the pics hat showed up on fb, if there was another woman out, I'd get browbeaten or about 24 hours (or more) about inappropriate behaviour.

She WAS abusive. And OP it sounds like youre going down the same path. Her hope is that you become so downtrodden that you will just stop going out altogether. She is either doing it deliberately or its brought on by insecurity. Either way its only going to get worse.

Frankly having been on the recieving end of it imo - dont wait to see if she changes. Leave, now, while you have the strength to do. If you stay she will make your live hell

Skibunny77 · 10-07-2016 07:46AM

Op, I'd suggest calling Women's Aid helpline for independent advice and support. They understand exactly why people remain in relationships like yours and give support on how to leave them.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 11-07-2016 10:05AM

I've read posts elsewhere from you onw, in regards to her behaviour when she's back at home doing things she knows upsets you. I remember reading that and thinking feck that, anyone with any respect for their partner wouldn't be carrying on like that.

From the info in this thread, I don't know. It's easy for all of us to say "walk away" from a long term relationship but that's easier said than done. But you can't live your life like that. Being dictated to, feeling like when you put so much as a foot out of line that you'll be in the dog house and hit with the silent treatment. When she KNOWS how much you hate the silent treatment I think it's bizzare she'd deliberately do it to upset you.

Most people fight in relationships but I don't think many would deliberately set out to upset or wreck their partners head.

I think take a week or so to be away from her, just to get your head together and figure out what it is you want going forward.

OldNotWIse · 12-07-2016 10:12AM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I've read posts elsewhere from you onw, in regards to her behaviour when she's back at home doing things she knows upsets you. I remember reading that and thinking feck that, anyone with any respect for their partner wouldn't be carrying on like that.

From the info in this thread, I don't know. It's easy for all of us to say "walk away" from a long term relationship but that's easier said than done. But you can't live your life like that. Being dictated to, feeling like when you put so much as a foot out of line that you'll be in the dog house and hit with the silent treatment. When she KNOWS how much you hate the silent treatment I think it's bizzare she'd deliberately do it to upset you.

Most people fight in relationships but I don't think many would deliberately set out to upset or wreck their partners head.

I think take a week or so to be away from her, just to get your head together and figure out what it is you want going forward.

Thanks

We have had relative peace and calm the past few days and things have been ticking over without a problem. But of course, I haven't gone out!

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 10:47AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thanks We have had relative peace and calm the past few days and things have been ticking over without a problem. But of course, I haven't gone out!

And why is this? Because you're afraid to set her off again?

OldNotWIse · 12-07-2016 11:06AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

And why is this? Because you're afraid to set her off again?

I think so. There's a part of me thinking I should go out when I want so that I am not buying into the control, then there is another part that just thinks its not worth it for the inevitable grief. This evening for example, some of my classmates are going for a few drinks. We graduated a few days ago but graduation was a family time and people were celebrating with partners, parents, kids etc. so we had set Wednesday for just the students to celebrate. I have mentioned to OH that I might go and tried to gage a reaction but there wasn't one really. I told her she was welcome to come along but she is busy with exams at the moment so she declined. So, I don't know yet if I will go. If I do it will be after work and bus home around 9 but I don't trust her not to kick off about it tbh.

jennyhayes123 · 12-07-2016 11:15AM

I can't understand why you have to be home by 9. I wouldn't want to be with someone who controls me like that. I would rather be single than being bullied and controlled. Go out and have a good night and if she kicks off dump her. Life is for living

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 11:20AM

So what, if anything, are you going to do? We've given you all sorts of advice but you seem content to let things continue as they are.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 12-07-2016 11:26AM

Old, honestly that's not any way to live your life. I know it's easy for us to tell you what to do but do you want to resent her and be bitter and hold it against her in a few years time, but still feel trapped?

Gunslinger92 · 12-07-2016 11:41AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

So, I don't know yet if I will go. If I do it will be after work and bus home around 9 but I don't trust her not to kick off about it tbh.

Ah jaysis. What kind of a life is that? Please read that a few times OP and think carefully about whether you're happy to spend the rest of your life like that.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 12:01PM

I fear you're taking the easy way out here. It's very easy to sit down at a computer or take out your phone and tell us about the latest row or how you're trying to plan a night out without setting her off again.

What's apparent to most of us is that
1. You're in an abusive relationship. We've pointed you towards Women's Aid. Please call them.
2. You don't appear to even like your girlfriend anyway.
3. You're afraid to leave and start again.

You have two choices here. Either settle for a miserable life of being controlled by her and stifling your social life for fear of yet another meltdown. Or you pluck up the courage to do the right thing and leave. The choice is yours. Nobody on this thread can pick up the phone for you. Nor can they hold the uncomfortable conversation you're terrified of having.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 12-07-2016 12:04PM

You also have talked in the past about wanting children, would that be a nice environment to bring them into?

Sapphire · 12-07-2016 12:17PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

You also have talked in the past about wanting children, would that be a nice environment to bring them into?

A very valid point.

Parenting pushes you to the limits of your civility and sanity at times. The first time me and my OH even snapped at each other was over me directing him to something in the nappy bag that he couldn't find complete with soundtrack of irate screaming baby in the background. We were together a decade at that point, and have never had a row. Fell out or had tense discussions over the years, sure. But never fought.

Toss in interrupted sleeps, hormones, reduced intimacy, tripping over toys and baby stuff and laundry mountains, its the kind of environment you want someone level-headed, calm and who you can be a team with. Someone who has your back.

OldNotWIse · 12-07-2016 12:37PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what, if anything, are you going to do? We've given you all sorts of advice but you seem content to let things continue as they are.

Thank you for your advice. I am not ready to leave yet so apologies if that doesn't sit well with you!

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 12:47PM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Thank you for your advice. I am not ready to leave yet so apologies if that doesn't sit well with you!

That's fair enough. It isn't easy to leave. Will you ring Women's Aid though? Just to talk to someone. It's not a commitment to do anything one way or another but it'd help to talk to someone who's trained to deal with situations like this.

OldNotWIse · 12-07-2016 12:50PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

That's fair enough. It isn't easy to leave. Will you ring Women's Aid though? Just to talk to someone. It's not a commitment to do anything one way or another but it'd help to talk to someone who's trained to deal with situations like this.

Yes I think I will call them, because tbh I know how ridiculous it sounds and I would probably say the same to you as you have said to me if the situation was the other way around. It just feels like she has some kind of hold over me and I have a fear of leaving but I don't know what that fear is based on and I think its something I need to explore.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-07-2016 12:58PM

I've read somewhere that it can take a woman several attempts to leave an abusive partner. Many of the women involved in Women's Aid have been in your shoes. They understand in a way most of us won't. Pick up the phone and ring. I've no doubt they've heard variations of your story many many times. If it was easy to leave they'd probably not exist. ..

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 11:22AM

I noticed that some posters had queried if perhaps I was only seeing things from my point of view, and was my partner lashing out because she thought maybe I had emotionally "checked out" or wasn't giving her my full attention. So, I decided that we would have a mini-break, just us. It was nice. We did some really fun things like visiting different places and had some nice meals and relaxed with drinks etc. Everything seemed like it was going well again. Then, within five minutes of returning home, she changed. One of the cats had got into the house and made a mess while we were away, and she started screaming at me that I must have let her in. I was baffled. I asked how the hell could I have let the cat in when we were away together, to which she replied that I must have arranged for someone else to let it in?! She was screaming so loud that even the poor dog was afraid. I lost it. I screamed back at her that I was sick to death of her blaming me for stuff that's not my fault, and screaming at me for nothing. Now she is freezing me out and we haven't spoken since.

I feel so overwhelmed. I cant believe she would just turn like that when things seemed to be going well. I simply never know what will set her off. If I spend my time trying not to do things that might anger her, and then she just gets angry at things that she believes I have done how can I ever live up to such a standard? I feel like I have lost all hope.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-07-2016 11:24AM

OP, please call Women's Aid 1800 341 900
Even if it's just for your poor dog's sake. The poor thing must've been absolutely terrified.

OldNotWIse · 25-07-2016 11:33AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

OP, please call Women's Aid 1800 341 900
Even if it's just for your poor dog's sake. The poor thing must've been absolutely terrified.

I feel so guilty for exposing her to such a thing. At least I am there of my own free will. It's my duty to protect her and I failed

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 25-07-2016 11:37AM

Dudette, you need to bounce.
This won't get any better. You can't make someone change if they can't see they need to change. I'm not saying your OH is violent but I've seen this in friends relationships, they go from being happy, to mildly irritating their partner, to being at fault for every single thing that happens, and the next step is being hit or beaten.

You don't need that ****e. You don't even need to break up. Just take yourself out of that emotionally draining, emotionally abusive environment for a week or two. Get away from the emotional terrorist to get your head in a clearer frame, so you can figure out what you want.

You can't possibly have a clear head to look at this from the outside. What do you want from your life?? Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this? She's not going to change and she'll suck the life and soul out of you until you just put up with this as standard behaviour.

Jealous Partner

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