A little help and advice needed!

squonk · 08-07-2016 02:39PM

You're right to call time on this tomorrow OP. It's a week now. He should know, or have enough of his shít together to start of a conversation with you by now. Also you can't be sneaking back to your home for bits and pieces while he's not there. What an awful position to be in. Heck, even I'm getting frustrated and annoyed now and it's not even my partner

Sound Bite · 08-07-2016 06:35PM

Why would anyone want to be with a partner who can't read a situation, sulks rather than communicates, doesn't involve you in major decisions and doesn't listen to anyone.

He doesn't seem like a great catch. He's either incredibly stupid (at best) or incredibly controlling (most likely). I don't see the attraction.

LostTazMan · 08-07-2016 07:31PM

I have to admit that I can and have vanished mentally when a relationship problem arises, but I agree with the other posters that he is pushing the boundaries way too far. If he decides to keep working on your relationship I think you should make it very clear to him that his indecisive behaviour (to be generous to him) came close to making you decide that enough was enough.

People like me who keep our emotions hidden away can fail to realise the hurt we cause. He will have to accept this and work on it for the rest of your time together.

I hope everything goes well and that you can move on with your life in happiness no matter what his position is. LTM.

daisydotty81 · 09-07-2016 10:22AM

Well thanks to everyone for all the advice. I'm still 100% behind my decision that we're not ready. We're meeting to talk this morning and I really don't know what it'll bring. Fingers crossed he's seen he misread the situation and that we can work at it. Will let ye know!x

December2012 · 09-07-2016 10:47AM

Good luck

batmanrobin · 09-07-2016 10:55AM

Best of luck, OP. Hope everything works out for you.

Givepuzzles · 09-07-2016 12:49PM

Best of luck op

daisydotty81 · 09-07-2016 05:44PM

Well it's over. He says I've put too much doubt in his head about the future. He said if we were to get back together then he'd be continuously doubting that I won't ever be ready and maybe turn around and say no I don't want to marry you. I understand that. He doesn't understand I'm simply not ready. So I'm devastated and heartbroken.

Tigger99 · 09-07-2016 05:47PM

Ah I'm so very sorry to hear that but jesus did your mother's warning not give him pause for thought. I think in time you'll realise it wouldn't have worked.

I'm very very sorry for all the pain you must be in.

Givepuzzles · 09-07-2016 05:53PM

daisydotty81 wrote: »

Well it's over. He says I've put too much doubt in his head about the future. He said if we were to get back together then he'd be continuously doubting that I won't ever be ready and maybe turn around and say no I don't want to marry you. I understand that. He doesn't understand I'm simply not ready. So I'm devastated and heartbroken.

I'm so sorry op I wasn't expecting that.

Why is marriage so important to him? I have to say he's acting very weirdly considering he was told it's too soon to ask you.

He clearly isn't the calibre of man you want when the chips are down. You will be fine

daisydotty81 · 09-07-2016 06:22PM

Yup I told him that he never ever said marraige was important to him. i said you should have broached it with me at least and I think marriage and kids are things to be discussed before you make such a huge commitment. He said he didn't think so and that that could be discussed after and deal with it then. He said he was going for the big romantic gesture and surprise and that's why he didn't discuss it with me. I said where's the good in that if there's a huge difference in what someone wants- it may end up in a broken engagement or marriage.

I'm thinking now that even if he was willing to give it a shot then I would have been putting myself under pressure to be ready by a certain time and then if I wasn't I'd be panicking and making decisions for the wrong reasons. I'd no intention of stringing this out for years or anything like that but I definitely need time.

For now just going to have pick myself up off the floor and get through the next while. I've decided I should do some counselling as my previous marraige and ex did feck me up. I've no regrets or ever looked back but it has to have an effect and that I don't want to carry into any further relationship. I'm going to stay with my parents for a bit anyway- I don't fancy moving in with randoms in a rental house and most of my friends are married so I don't know someone who's looking to houses hare. and I could do with my parents support and company. If I could stick it out here for a year I could prob come up with a deposit for somewhere of my own. And that might be my focus. Pipe dream maybe but I should start thinking ahead. Thanks to all for the advice and support over the last few days. X

squonk · 09-07-2016 06:27PM

daisydotty81 wrote: »

Well it's over. He says I've put too much doubt in his head about the future. He said if we were to get back together then he'd be continuously doubting that I won't ever be ready and maybe turn around and say no I don't want to marry you. I understand that. He doesn't understand I'm simply not ready. So I'm devastated and heartbroken.

Words fail me... almost! I really wasn't expecting that outcome. I'm so sorry.

What a crock of shít he came out with though! Your problem was a small and very easily fixed one. Instead he went nuclear.

Honestly I think you've had a lucky escape my dear. The way it reads to me is his attitude is that if he can't have things his own way then he won't have it at all. He sounds like a controlling guy and nobody needs that. Onwards and upwards!

batmanrobin · 09-07-2016 06:42PM

I'm sorry that you're hurting, OP. However, I think you're actually very lucky to see him now for who he is. That bit where he said ye didn't need to talk about marriage and kids and could sort it out after the fact, well that is just insane thinking! And incredibly immature actually.

He was so consumed with what he wanted that it doesn't sound like he actually gave any thought to you or your feelings. He doesn't seem to have cared about the fact that you might not be ready.

I really hope you don't blame yourself for this ending and don't beat yourself up. This is entirely on him. He chose to go ahead even after what your parents said. He didn't think it appropriate to speak to you, would could have been his future wife, about where you were at or what your thoughts about marriage and children were. It was all about him.

Personally I think you've dodged a bullet. You sound like a very honest, decent woman. You deserve someone on the same wavelength as you and who will respect you enough to engage with you about these things.

Look after yourself xx

Givepuzzles · 09-07-2016 07:41PM

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

Although hurting look at it this way way he saved you a lot of hell in the future.

Might not be a bad idea to do some soul searching and figure out what you want from a relationship and why you pick men who put you through pain.

That's very harsh. How was she to know he would act like this? He seemed to have her parents fooled too!

Sound Bite · 09-07-2016 07:49PM

I think you will look back on this in time and realise things worked out for the best.

You made the right decision for you in saying no. You appear to be very self aware and know what's best for you. That will serve you well long term.

Ignatius in bloom · 09-07-2016 07:53PM

Givepuzzles wrote: »

That's very harsh. How was she to know he would act like this? He seemed to have her parents fooled too!

Wasn't meant to be harsh at all! Sorry if it comes across like that I think if it was me I'd wonder why I picked people who let me down.

daisydotty81 · 10-07-2016 01:32AM

batmanrobin wrote: »

I'm sorry that you're hurting, OP. However, I think you're actually very lucky to see him now for who he is. That bit where he said ye didn't need to talk about marriage and kids and could sort it out after the fact, well that is just insane thinking! And incredibly immature actually.

He was so consumed with what he wanted that it doesn't sound like he actually gave any thought to you or your feelings. He doesn't seem to have cared about the fact that you might not be ready.

I really hope you don't blame yourself for this ending and don't beat yourself up. This is entirely on him. He chose to go ahead even after what your parents said. He didn't think it appropriate to speak to you, would could have been his future wife, about where you were at or what your thoughts about marriage and children were. It was all about him.

Personally I think you've dodged a bullet. You sound like a very honest, decent woman. You deserve someone on the same wavelength as you and who will respect you enough to engage with you about these things.

Look after yourself xx[/quote

Thanks for that message. I've a million thoughts going around in my head and you really nailed it on the head. I was honest to myself and to him and what I'm seeing is a quite immature and stubborn person and that certainly is someone I do not want to marry. Big bullet dodged. In fact I'm regretting trying to work things out with him this morning. He didn't deserve that.

Toots · 10-07-2016 02:43AM

At least by trying to work it out with him, you'll have the knowledge that you did everything you could to save the relationship. The break-up is all on him, I mean he acted incredibly rashly. Any reasonable person would talk it over with their OH before proposing, particularly if they'd been married before. It seems to me like he got it into his head that ye were getting engaged come hell or high water, and despite being told not to propose without talking about it first, he just barged on ahead and did it, and then blamed you for saying 'not yet'.

I mean, OK, getting turned down would obviously sting, but the reality is if you're proposing to someone out of the blue, you need to take into consideration that you might not always get a yes. His asinine behaviour afterwards definitely confirms that in fact, HE'S not ready to get married - he needs to do a bit of growing up first.

December2012 · 10-07-2016 12:06PM

Look you both want incompatible things. I'm sure you do both love each other very much, but if getting married or staying unmarried is something you both feel strongly about there is no middle ground.

It's hard now but it's better than either of you being forced into a situation you aren't comfortable with.

Best of luck OP

daisydotty81 · 13-07-2016 12:41PM

I took the last of my stuff yesterday evening. We talked for ages and his head is all over the place but we pretty much agreed to call it a day. The finality of it is so heartbreaking. I really can't believe it. I just feel so lost and empty. I'm sitting here back in my childhood bedroom going where the hell do I go from here? I won't get a mortgage, I don't want to live with strangers in a house share really and I can't stay living at my parents (well I can but you know what I mean). Renting on my own is just unaffordable. Will I stay here for a few months and try and clear my debts and maybe look into a house share with one other then. My head is all over the place and I'm just so sad.

gifted · 13-07-2016 01:13PM

Really sorry for where you are right now but try and keep it in the day....A lot of people have been in the same place and it isn't a nice place to be...All I can say is if it's meant to be then it will...what's not for you will pass you by...good luck

Rekop dog · 13-07-2016 01:33PM

The way you've painted it it all reads badly on him but as ever we're only ever seeing one side of the story. What I find a little strange is that throughout the thread the thing you seem to be fearing most is being single at your age, being back at the parents and such things. Aside from the "I love hims" you've not particularly gone into any details about what you'd miss about him or the good things in your relationship.

Is there a chance you were kind of settling for him and he picked up on this and the rejected proposal (rightly or wrongly) further enforced this in his mind? I mean it's hard for you to admit that at this stage of the thread but I'm finding it hard to believe his level of overreaction was purely based on a "not now".

daisydotty81 · 13-07-2016 01:58PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

The way you've painted it it all reads badly on him but as ever we're only ever seeing one side of the story. What I find a little strange is that throughout the thread the thing you seem to be fearing most is being single at your age, being back at the parents and such things. Aside from the "I love hims" you've not particularly gone into any details about what you'd miss about him or the good things in your relationship.

Is there a chance you were kind of settling for him and he picked up on this and the rejected proposal (rightly or wrongly) further enforced this in his mind? I mean it's hard for you to admit that at this stage of the thread but I'm finding it hard to believe his level of overreaction was purely based on a "not now".

I appreciate your honesty! I can understand how it looks like that and yes it's only one side. I just didn't delve too much into our relationship on here. It was really something special-I love the way he makes me feel, loved spending time together just at home, love of food and wine, holidays and we just clicked. We'd so many good times together and few bad times. I'd dated a few people and really felt guy was for me. He obviously felt the same but getting engaged for me was just too soon. I'd never just settle for someone- I wasted enough of my life in a LTR and a marriage and I certainly wouldn't waste anymore of my life doing so and doing that to someone else. I know I keep mentioning about being single etc but I suppose that's the reality of my life without him now. I just want him. We were going out a year and 10 months and I'd just moved in. And I'm just so sad that we've lost what we had and I've lost him because I don't feel ready for marriage just yet.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-07-2016 02:05PM

Maybe go for some counselling first and use this time at your parents to regroup. Whereabouts do you live? I've a family member who bought a house by themselves aged 41. A 24 year mortgage. Admittedly it wasn't in Dublin but it is doable. It's sad that you seem to see this guy as your last shot at happiness and at getting the things you want. It doesn't need to be this way - you might still meet someone else.

daisydotty81 · 13-07-2016 02:14PM

Counselling booked for tomorrow

LegacyUser · 17-07-2016 11:08AM

You've gotten a big shock op but you've been through worse before. Hope counseling goes well. Funnily I suspect he will realise what he's lost and be back to you. Dunno if I could forgive him though

daisydotty81 · 17-07-2016 01:18PM

Thanks everyone. Still all a bit raw but I'm doing ok. Had one session of counselling-she was great and even after a brief talk about my marriage break up and this relationship etc, she really gave me food for thought about the type of person my ex is. She said that someone who knew of my past and just goes off and buys a ring and proposes against the advice of my parents and without ever even talking to me about it would be big red flags for her. She asked was he a controlling person-and I'm thinking back over the last few days to our relationship and yes I can see how he is a little bit but nothing too much either.

Even since talking to her I've really been thinking about his reaction to me not being ready- he's been quite cold/frosty. I've done all the but I love you and do want to marry you in the future etc etc but I've got zero emotion back. He left me stew for a week while he made his mind up and only contacted me after I contacted him. I know he's hurt and also grieving for his dad but he basically almost just turned the tap off on me. This is the guy who 2 weeks ago wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and proposed. She said he sounds very immature and would question the type of person he would be in a marriage.

She said I seem to have handled my marriage break up quite well and she said I'm very clear in my head that I made the right decision regarding the proposal. Back to her this week again so glad I've done this for myself

K_P · 17-07-2016 03:35PM

Well done on going ahead with the counselling. I don't think I've commented here but I've been following your post. I'd agree with your counsellor in that your ex's reaction was very much like that of a spoiled child sulking because he hadn't got his own way and would be a massive red flag for me. While I can understand he's probably feeling a bit rejected I don't know how you can go from wanting to marry someone to not even wanting to be with them in a matter of two weeks. It reeks of immaturity and, in contrast, you've handled this horrible situation very admirably and with great maturity. All the best for the future OP.

Yellow pack crisps · 17-07-2016 09:57PM

You seem lovely OP and all though you probably feel devastated and hurt I think when you realise you were close to making the same mistake twice then I think you will heave a big sigh of relief and I also think you will find an amazing guy in the future who will give you all the things you deserve and need. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that the way you handled this has been a beautiful act of courage and understanding and the fact that you were able to put anger and haste to one side was remarkable and shows the debt to your character. onwards and upwards and the very best of luck.

weldoninhio · 17-07-2016 10:28PM

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

You seem lovely OP and all though you probably feel devastated and hurt I think when you realise you were close to making the same mistake twice then I think you will heave a big sigh of relief and I also think you will find an amazing guy in the future who will give you all the things you deserve and need. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that the way you handled this has been a beautiful act of courage and understanding and the fact that you were able to put anger and haste to one side was remarkable and shows the debt to your character. onwards and upwards and the very best of luck.

100% agree.

A little help and advice needed!

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