A little help and advice needed!

daisydotty81

Augme wrote: »

Have yous ever talked about kids, not specially having them together but do both of you want kids? That's the only reason I can see why he's struggling with what to do.

When we had met I wasn't long diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told I prob would find it hard to conceive naturally. I did tell him this when we were first going out and he asked whether I would like kids. I said I always wanted them but this diagnosis had made me realise and come to term with the fact it might never happen. I asked him did he want and he said I always thought I didn't but I'm mellowing. he's great with his nieces and nephews and would be a great dad.

Ignatius in bloom

What strikes me about your posting style is how open and honest you come across so I would think you have been this way with this guy since you first met. My point being is that he obviously knows you have been scarred by marriage before and that by you expressing that to him and being honest and open about it that he would have been a bit more understanding in his whole approach to asking you to marry etc and then the aftermath becoming a mess and of course I can understand him being hurt and feeling rejected but it's not as if he wasn't aware of your past and how sensitive you would have been about entering another marriage without being 100% sure and committed to it so I don't really see how he is taking it this strongly and to be honest maybe that is a good thing for you as if you do marry someone else you want it to be someone who has your back and will walk with you as such and not opposite You.

The fact that youre questioning whether he is showing his true colours is a great answer for you personally as in that you are really not ready to give yourself 100% to this relationship and that you still are seeing if this person is truly the one for you.

You have been through worse so whatever outcome you will be ok.

daisydotty81

i have always been honest with him. I'm like a psycho looking at my phone so often to see if he's text or called. I'm just wondering he knows I'm finished tomorrow. Much as I want to talk to him and get out of this limbo land I'm in, I'm just wondering what to do if I hear nothing. He knows I'm ready. Ring him and say I'm on the way or just text. Or be there when he gets home. My head is wrecked.

Ignatius in bloom

daisydotty81 wrote: »

i have always been honest with him. I'm like a psycho looking at my phone so often to see if he's text or called. I'm just wondering he knows I'm finished tomorrow. Much as I want to talk to him and get out of this limbo land I'm in, I'm just wondering what to do if I hear nothing. He knows I'm ready. Ring him and say I'm on the way or just text. Or be there when he gets home. My head is wrecked.

I personally think the ball is in his court so to speak so although not nice to be in limbo I would just wait for him to contact you.

Go for a run and clear your head.

December2012

For what it's worth, the death of his father could be a MAJOR factor in the sudden behavior and wish for some security. When my father died I felt all at sea, like an orphan, and temporarily untethered. To what I don't know. I didn't go off the rails or anything but I did make a big decision about my personal life. In my own case I decided I didn't want to have a third pregnancy, as I didn't want the emotional upheaval it would bring. I still don't and it's a few years later now.

I'm just trying to give an insight into the loss of a parent and how it can change behavior and perceptions.

daisydotty81

Dolly says wrote: »

So is this 1.5 weeks now since he asked?

Sorry only saw this now. Yup it was the weekend before last but it was on holiday. So we stomached out the week which was actually ok and then Saturday wheh we got home it all went pear shaped.

squonk

Surprised you haven't heard anything by now OP. I presume you're still popping in tonight? Geez at this point it's gone beyond disappointment and is verging on cruelty. At this point you'd expect an "I'm still thinking, please I need some more time." at least or even a "We'll be OK I think but I'm just still processing things and working trough them, can you give me some time?". It's pretty poor if I'm honest.

daisydotty81

squonk wrote: »

Surprised you haven't heard anything by now OP. I presume you're still popping in tonight? Geez at this point it's gone beyond disappointment and is verging on cruelty. At this point you'd expect an "I'm still thinking, please I need some more time." at least or even a "We'll be OK I think but I'm just still processing things and working trough them, can you give me some time?". It's pretty poor if I'm honest.

he just text there as I was about to bite the bullet and ring him. He says he's just not ready to meet tonight and can we leave it until Saturday. FFS I appreciate he needs time. It's only been a few days but I just want to talk to him face to face and see where we are going. Cruelty!

Faith

daisydotty81 wrote: »

he just text there as I was about to bite the bullet and ring him. He says he's just not ready to meet tonight and can we leave it until Saturday. FFS I appreciate he needs time. It's only been a few days but I just want to talk to him face to face and see where we are going. Cruelty!

I've been in a situation like yours, OP, although the total opposite at the same time. In my case, my boyfriend announced, seemingly out of the blue, that he wasn't happy and that he needed space. I was tortured for about 10 days, waiting for him to be 'ready' to meet up to discuss things. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't take control of that situation. I allowed him to have all of the control, and I just sat and waited for the outcome.

I think you need to take some control here. If it was me, I'd text back and say "Look, no. I know you're hurt and the only way we can move forward together is by talking and sorting this out. I love you, I want to be with you, and I want to talk about what happened with the proposal. However, I'm not willing to wait indefinitely for that ... [finish up as you'd be comfortable with]"

It's up to you how firmly you'd lay that out. It would take enormous courage to take control here, and obviously the massive fear is that he would text back and say "Fine, we're done so". And he might. But that is the clearest indicator that he's not the right person for you.

You can wait until Saturday, if you like, and continue to be tortured. What if, on Saturday, he's still not ready and he postpones again? How long are you willing to wait to get an answer?

woodchuck

I agree with Faith. He's arguably the 'injured party' here, but you haven't actually done anything wrong. It's cruel to just keep you waiting like that for so long. If I was you, I'd just show up at the house/apartment. Don't negotiate, just show up.

StanleyOllie

I agree... the worst part of anything is the not knowing. Being in limbo and coming up with all different scenarios is so hard. When you know what is happening you can deal with it. The longer it goes on the harder it is on you. Id ask him to talk sooner than later... you really should be able to work this out. I hope so.. it just seems to be a communication breakdown. An bad awkward one but you both seem to want more or less the same thing. I wish you all the best.

daisydotty81

Thanks to all again for the messages. Keeping my chin just about up! He actually went and asked my parents for their approval the day before he did it. My mum was honest with him and said she really wasn't sure and she thought it was too soon and that he should talk to me about it. She said definitely don't produce a ring and he said he already had it. My dad said well her mum knows her best and if she can't make a definite call then I can't. they're really mad about him and would love if we got married but also think it's too soon. I'm 18 months out of a courtroom and dealt with a lot of ****.

Anyway I'll give him until Saturday and if he tries to put it off again then I'll just say listen enough is enough. I was going to text him back again earlier and ask to meet tomorrow because I'm working 12 hr shift Sunday. If it's bad news Saturday then I'll be distraught in work. I just did 3 night shifts and my head was all over the place. Feck all sleep and barely eating. But I've just left it alone. I'm hopeful because I'm thinking he's actually thinking about things. If he wanted break it off he hopefully would have just met me tonight. My big bro rang me earlier to see how I was and he said "prepare for the worst". Thanks bro!!!

LegacyUser

I don't like the way he's handling this op

It doesn't bode well for other issues ye may come across in life. I think you need to take back control tbh. You've been through worse and if push comes to shove, you'll get through this.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't like the way he's dragging this out either. It's as if he's trying to punish you or bring you back into line by tormenting you like this. You'd think he'd be trying to save the relationship or at least get it back on the straight and narrow. Not making you wait and wait until he deigns to speak to you.

It's telling that your family warned him but he went ahead and proposed anyway. It makes me wonder is he an intense, compulsive person? Is he somewhat controlling - have a think about how your relationship has been to date?

pookie82

He's entitled to take all the time he needs, OP, but you're also entitled to say enough is enough and call it from your end. When relationships need a full rethink it's mostly recommended that space is a good thing ... often one person wants it less than another, but that's generally the advice given, to take some time out.

I still can't help feeling that if the genders were reversed here and it was a woman looking for commitment who was shot down, she'd be assured to take all the time she needs and not bow to pressure. What is it in total, a week? I wouldn't call that dragging it out as such. He's trying to get his head together and be sure of his decision before he comes back to you.

I can't help, when reading this thread, but recall all the others where a woman comes on here saying "I've asked to get married and he's said he's not ready but might be in future, that was 3 years ago and he won't move since". It's a horrible limbo to be in. No one ever writes back saying "well if you really loved him you'd shut up and stay for love".

I do find it odd that your family warned him it was too soon, he went ahead anyway, and is now shocked that you've turned him down. He must have known it was a strong possibility.

LegacyUser

Your parents said that it wasn't the best idea and he went ahead ?!?!? What are your parents saying now that you are back at home?

Op you need to breathe. This stinks from the outside looking in. I don't think the advice you are getting here is double standards. Clearly it's ok to wait for a while if your partner isn't ready but it's not ok to have them booted out of their home.

batmanrobin

I have to say, I really don't like the sounds of this guy.

He knew your past, your parents told him it would be too soon yet he went ahead anyway and is now punishing you.

As Faith and Woodchuck said, you actually didn't do anything wrong. You are allowed to refuse a proposal.

He sounds like a selfish man. He just went ahead and did whatever he wanted without regard for you. He should have sat down and had a proper conversation with you about wanting to propose.

If you hadn't been married before and he did a surprise proposal I could understand (just about) him needing time to lick his wounds, but this is actually ridiculous!

I would be fuming if I was in your shoes!

SarahMollie

pookie82 wrote: »

He's entitled to take all the time he needs, OP, but you're also entitled to say enough is enough and call it from your end. When relationships need a full rethink it's mostly recommended that space is a good thing ... often one person wants it less than another, but that's generally the advice given, to take some time out.

I still can't help feeling that if the genders were reversed here and it was a woman looking for commitment who was shot down, she'd be assured to take all the time she needs and not bow to pressure. What is it in total, a week? I wouldn't call that dragging it out as such. He's trying to get his head together and be sure of his decision before he comes back to you.

I can't help, when reading this thread, but recall all the others where a woman comes on here saying "I've asked to get married and he's said he's not ready but might be in future, that was 3 years ago and he won't move since". It's a horrible limbo to be in. No one ever writes back saying "well if you really loved him you'd shut up and stay for love".

I do find it odd that your family warned him it was too soon, he went ahead anyway, and is now shocked that you've turned him down. He must have known it was a strong possibility.

I take your point to a degree, but I think typically when the genders are reversed, its a woman who has perhaps been in a relationship for maybe 5+ years and her OH won't talk about commitment/marriage. (Full disclosure - I have two friends in this position, 5 years and 8 years respectivly, and I basically hear about it non stop).

If a woman came on here after an 18 month relationship saying that her OH wouldnt propose, I think she'd (rightly) get short shrift.

Also, as in this case, if a person, whatever their gender, has been married before and is still carrying the scars of the divorce as the OP clearly is, I think that changes everything.

I find it very odd that he went against your parents guidance OP, and even more than that, that he seems to be so taken aback at your reluctance despite being warned ahead of time.

I'd be inclined to think that this wallowing will just continue if he's left to his own devices. I think you need to take back control, and not let him dictate terms.

Also, it seems you've been very open and honest in the last 10days or so whilst trying to contact him. It doesn't seem to me like he's looking at this from your POV at all, and its all about him, his feelings and his hurt pride. Your feelings deserve consideration too.

squonk

OP he's really going down in my estimations to be honest. Earlier I thought that it was all just down to miscommunication and a bit of excitement and that, once a few days had elapsed that he'd see the light and realise that things weren't so bad and that a good talk could sort out a lot of these perceived issues.

Now however I'm looking at a guy who knew your history and even a five year old would probably see why you wouldn't want to jump into marriage again so soon. Next your parents and, in particular, your mum pointed out that you'd likely not be ready and to tread carefully. That point, just right there, was the time for him to stop, think about what he was about to do and just not do it. Instead, he goes full steam ahead and, as predicted, didn't get the answer he expected. Now he's suddenly surprised and hurt?

I'm sorry OP but what a stupid man. He gives us guys a bad name. Christ he should be over the shock by now. It's not like you were making sounds about getting married and then turned him down when he popped the question. He had been warned. IMHO you need to step in and take this in hand. There are two of you in this and, given the circumstances, it's totally unacceptable that he's playing the martyr now. You've only been going out 18 months which is a relatively fast progression from dating to marriage proposals in itself. He sounds a bit flighty and impulsive and those people are a pain to manage at times.

daisydotty81

Thanks boardsies. I am angry that he was advised to hold off and talk to me about it first and still nosedived in and we're now in this balls of a situation. I know I haven't done anything wrong per se but I know I've obviously really hurt him and rejected him and he is perhaps embarrassed that he really didn't think things through. I don't know he must just have got carried away with us away on hols, in love, very happy, ring in his bag and just decided he'd propose. I wouldn't say he's an impulsive person normally but I do feel we're only living together since end of March and I'm still getting to know him.

My parents aren't saying much at the mo. Just trying to be there for me and making me food and making me feel at home.

I really don't know where he got the idea that I wanted to get engaged. I definitely did not drop any hints or anything. i did ask him why he thought I might want to get engaged and he said I just thought it was the next step. If he'd even broached the topic of us getting engaged or married I definitely would have reassured him it's something I do want but not now.

I'm so physically and mentally tired right now. I feel I could sleep for a week but I'm awake after 2 hours with y mind doing 90. I just want tomorrow to be over and go from there. If we're to come back from this, I've no doubts it's going to be tough.

Ignatius in bloom

just want tomorrow to be over and go from there. If we're to come back from this, I've no doubts it's going to be tough


This. Be prepared that your relationship has changed and more importantly how you both see each other differently now.

That is not to say that out of this your relationship can not get better and stronger as it can. But it really seems your communication skills are way off here maybe his more than yours and also how you both deal with problems. Keep in mind and I probably think you this from past experience but if you are legally tied to this person and you have problems then you should use this experience as a way of gauging how well you both can handle serious responsibilities in the future.

woodchuck

I completely agree with the majority of the posters here. It was mad of him to propose when your parents advised against it and your feelings need to be taken into consideration in all of this too.

One thought has occurred to me and I don't mean to offend at all. But in your original post, you mentioned that you are 35. Is it possible that he really wants to have children with you and he is conscious of time? I know many women have kids well into their late 30s or early 40s with no issues, but perhaps this is something that is on his mind. It could be the reason he wants to rush into marriage, but this is total speculation on my part... absolute madness that he won't actually talk to you about what is going on his head!!

Givepuzzles

It seems very controlling op. Has he exhibited any other signs of control? Whose idea was it to move in?

stargazer 68

daisydotty81 wrote: »

I'm so physically and mentally tired right now. I feel I could sleep for a week but I'm awake after 2 hours with y mind doing 90. I just want tomorrow to be over and go from there. If we're to come back from this, I've no doubts it's going to be tough.

Not trying to throw a spanner in the works but what happens if you get another text cancelling for 'more time'? How long are you going to give him? While I agree that he is entitled to time to think, at some point you are going to have to put a stop to it.

daisydotty81

woodchuck wrote: »

I completely agree with the majority of the posters here. It was mad of him to propose when your parents advised against it and your feelings need to be taken into consideration in all of this too.

One thought has occurred to me and I don't mean to offend at all. But in your original post, you mentioned that you are 35. Is it possible that he really wants to have children with you and he is conscious of time? I know many women have kids well into their late 30s or early 40s with no issues, but perhaps this is something that is on his mind. It could be the reason he wants to rush into marriage, but this is total speculation on my part... absolute madness that he won't actually talk to you about what is going on his head!!

No offence taken at all! I'm not sure if I can have them-naturally anyway and he knows that. And I won't know until I try. At the start we both discussed having kids (not exactly together but just general chat when u start dating) and we both weren't sure. This is all what I was going to talk about on hols. Kids, marriage, saving for a house together and where he saw us going in the future. I certainly thought most couples would discuss this before committing to marriage? How could I say yes and then figure out we've totally different wants and end up a broken engagement or worse a marriage breakdown. No thanks. Id rather go into it with a clear idea. I Understand nothing is set in stone and things change and you've compromise in a marriage but at the least we should have similar wants and expectations out of a marriage and life together.

pookie82

Dolly says wrote: »

Clearly it's ok to wait for a while if your partner isn't ready but it's not ok to have them booted out of their home.

I don't think she was booted out? The OP reads "I came back and stayed at my parents to give us headspace." She doesn't insinuate that she was ordered to do this.

Givepuzzles

Op you sound lovely. Don't settle for less

daisydotty81

Givepuzzles wrote: »

It seems very controlling op. Has he exhibited any other signs of control? Whose idea was it to move in?

No I wouldn't say he's controlling at all. Never shown any signs that I can think of. My lease was up in my apartment and he was renting on his own. And he asked me to move in and I was delighted! I was ready for it and felt it was the next step for us.

Sorry haven't a clue if I can multi quote and reply in the one post. So sorry for all the individual posts!

I came back here sat night for headspace thinking I'd be back home Sunday night but he asked for time in his own.

Tomorrow is d day for me. If he's not ready then I can't do anymore. But I need to know and I'm not continuing on like an emotional wreck in limbo land for another week or however long he needs.

SarahMollie

pookie82 wrote: »

I don't think she was booted out? The OP reads "I came back and stayed at my parents to give us headspace." She doesn't insinuate that she was ordered to do this.

True, but he's asking her to stay away, and keeps extending this period of absence.

She doesnt feel free to return to her home, so no she wasn't booted out, but its not a huge amount better.

daisydotty81

SarahMollie wrote: »

True, but he's asking her to stay away, and keeps extending this period of absence.

She doesnt feel free to return to her home, so no she wasn't booted out, but its not a huge amount better.

I'd have no problem with going down there if I need something and he wouldn't either. I just wouldn't do it if he was there. So whilst leaving for the night on Saturday was my choice it wasn't my choice to stay away.