Jealous Partner

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 10:46AM

SarahMollie wrote: »

OK well your first post about last night didnt mention anything about telling her your plans - just that you went out and then abusive texts started later in the night.

If you called her as soon as you knew you wouldnt be coming home, IMO thats reasonable. Is there a chance you minimized it to give her the impression you'd only be an hour or two late? Instead of her knowing it was going to be a late night thing?

If you told her something to the effect of "Hey X, we're being taken out to celebrate tonight, could be a late one. Sorry for the late notice but don't wait up" then yes, she's off her rocker.

I called and said that I was just finished work and that we were being taken out for a "few" drinks with management and that I was going along. I also said I "wouldn't be late" - I know that's entirely subjective to be fair to her, but my opinion on it (and what I would practice) is "not late" = arriving home before 10 (which I did).

batmanrobin · 08-07-2016 10:50AM

OP, I think it's time to break up. You're on this site ridiculing this woman. She's a nightmare, yes. But you carrying on like this about her isn't good either.

You obviously don't respect her, it doesn't sound like you even really like her anymore. So what's holding you back? It ain't love that's for damn sure.

LegacyUser · 08-07-2016 10:53AM

Following this thread I knew the above was coming. Do you think that people ever intend to cheat and hurt their partner? Rarely. Alarm bells ring very loudly when someone says their ex was crazy, oh and the one before that too... So do you ever look to yourself in these situations and how you are acting? You're blaming everything on your OH, she's crazy, a physco etc. Yes her actions and reactions are wrong, but do you think these exes are picking up on a vibe that you're ultimately not very committed to them underneath it all, and were never really thinking of a future with the ups and downs that will need to be worked through that come with that? She's probably invested a lot in this and is obviously going to look for reassurance from you that she's not wasting her time. 5 years is a long time, she's going to want to be a priority in your life, to be number one, and to be considered in a lot of your arrangements. Yes of course you're allowed out, but perhaps she feels you're always putting that above quality time with her, or dropping her at last minute when she hasn't the time to organise something to do herself? That's what couples do, always consider each other. Make your own plans yes, but let the other know so they can make their own in time.

Have you sat down and told her you want to go out with your friends and that she is still your priority and you would be a bit more thoughtful and let her know in time so she can make plans so she's not left sitting in on her own when she naturally thought you were coming home? Be truly honest with yourself. Your gf is picking up on the truth deep down that you're not sure about her no matter what she does and is hurt that you are leading her on. It's rarely about you going out, underneath it is her insecurity in how you feel, if she was reassured you're relationship is going somewhere and she's your priority then I bet there would be less rows. But the problem is you can't reassure her can you? Because you don't really want the relationship, but are too cowardly to own up to that, and will continue to blame her 'craziness', until you're 'pushed' into another persons arms.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-07-2016 10:53AM

So why are you still with her?

SarahMollie · 08-07-2016 10:54AM

OK fair enough, she's totally beyond reasoning with it seems.

But what I don't get is why you're still with her? From the way she speaks to you and the way you speak about her, theres nothing there to salvage. Why won't you just cut your losses?

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I was so upset that the guy mentioned above came in to have a drink with us and then took me home (to mine, I hasten to add!) He's always there when I need him

This bit also worries me. Are you using this man as an emotional crutch, knowing that he has feelings for you? Perhaps you need to examine your behavior in this regard also.

m'lady · 08-07-2016 10:55AM

While I think your partner's behaviour sounds ridiculous I agree with previous posters that there could be two of you in it. I also think your zoning in on this guy more than trying to either end or sort out your relationship. You have decisions to make op, instead of playing with two peoples heads, you should make them..

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 10:55AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So why are you still with her?

I don't know tbh! It's easy to look on at a situation objectively and ask why. I suppose I am afraid of change, and also we have been together for so long its hard to imagine anything else. I'm not trying to justify staying with her, when I don't even know the reasons why myself

Sapphire · 08-07-2016 10:59AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I called and said that I was just finished work and that we were being taken out for a "few" drinks with management and that I was going along. I also said I "wouldn't be late" - I know that's entirely subjective to be fair to her, but my opinion on it (and what I would practice) is "not late" = arriving home before 10 (which I did).

I don't see anything wrong with this.

You don't have kids that you left her to bath and put to bed. You or she didn't appear to have any specific plans for the evening. You say she's not the kind to surprise you with dinner. You rang her and told her around what, 5 or 6 and started getting abusive texts at 8? That's really not normal behaviour from another grown up.

My partner often has work night like this - or invariably, he's known about them for weeks but forgot to tell me until the last minute. He's always just 'going to show his face for an hour to be polite' which I scoff at because he usually ends up being the last to leave the pub.

. If he's not in by about 3am, I'm thinking that he'll be suffering tomorrow, and only once did it turn into an absolute session until 7am in the Residents bar and got me a bit concerned and texting him wondering if he was ok.

Sapphire · 08-07-2016 11:05AM

m'lady wrote: »

While I think your partner's behaviour sounds ridiculous I agree with previous posters that there could be two of you in it. I also think your zoning in on this guy more than trying to either end or sort out your relationship. You have decisions to make op, instead of playing with two peoples heads, you should make them..

Chances are OP, that she is sensing you pulling away and that is exacerbating her behaviour. When my ex did this, I knew while no line was crossed (he was a nice guy and not the type to overlap) but he did emotionally check out for a few weeks before we actually broke up. That confused and baffled me and it felt like I was trying to hold on to something turning to sand in my hands.

It's far better to stop dragging this out any longer and finish it cleanly. Better for all of you. I agree that you should take a breather because I feel maybe New Guy is just representative of something currently missing in your life rather than actually being someone you could have a relationship with. If you and he have a stronger connection than that, then in 6 months time it will still be there, but you'll have untangled your head a bit.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:09AM

Sapphire wrote: »

I don't see anything wrong with this.

You don't have kids that you left her to bath and put to bed. You or she didn't appear to have any specific plans for the evening. You say she's not the kind to surprise you with dinner. You rang her and told her around what, 5 or 6 and started getting abusive texts at 8? That's really not normal behaviour from another grown up.

My partner often has work night like this - or invariably, he's known about them for weeks but forgot to tell me until the last minute. He's always just 'going to show his face for an hour to be polite' which I scoff at because he usually ends up being the last to leave the pub. . If he's not in by about 3am, I'm thinking that he'll be suffering tomorrow, and only once did it turn into an absolute session until 7am in the Residents bar and got me a bit concerned and texting him wondering if he was ok.

Another thing I was mulling over was that the people I was out with are mostly married/have significant others and they didn't appear to be getting an onslaught of abusive messages come 8pm. And they were all still there when I left. And I don't want to get into a contest about it, but when my OH goes out, she'll usually rock in at 1 or 2 in the morning and doesn't even know her own name. I never take issue with this because I think its normal, especially if it is infrequent. In my defence, I very rarely go out on spec and if there are work or college nights I either tell her in advance (and invite her if appropriate) or miss them.

Givepuzzles · 08-07-2016 11:11AM

Op you are in a very unhealthy relationship. You can't see the wood for the trees here.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-07-2016 11:12AM

Do you believe that you've mentally checked out of this relationship? Do you think it's over in your head?

intheclouds · 08-07-2016 11:12AM

The abusive behaviour from your partner is way out of line and not acceptable.

I have to ask why either of you bother to stay in the relationship. You want to go for work drinks with friends at a moments notice, not be bothered by texts or calls, and go home whatever time you want. There is nothing wrong with this. However, it probably also affects the next evening when you may be tired and not want to do something she might have planned. Or you may be all socialised out and want to stay in over the weekend as a result. Whatever, its probably the case that there is more to it than just the few drinks on that evening. Id also be interested to know how regular it is. I would almost never have impromptu drinks with work or anyone else. Generally going for a few drinks is a planned event (just because life is busy and I cant drop everything to go for drinks out of the blue too easily or it will cause a problem elsewhere in my routine).

She wants you to come home earlier, spend time with her, and if that doesnt happen she goes ballistic.

On the face of it it sounds like you simply want different things out of life. Thats ok. Being abusive as a result is not.

That this is the second time this has happened to you in a relationship would make me question your choices. That coupled with the fact that you are using a guy as an emotional crutch while you are not free to be with him. You need to examine this in yourself - its not really for speculation here or as part of your current problem. You do need to watch for the warning signs of possessive behaviour and not see them as "cute" or "sweet".

On this relationship. Well its clear it has had its day. You dont want to live a leashed life and it is not ok for you to be abused the way you are. She would surely prefer to be with someone who comes home more and isnt into impromptu socialising. Her reaction to what she doesnt like is a big problem. But its not your problem to solve.

ChampagnePop · 08-07-2016 11:13AM

Stop complaining about your partner and break up!!!

batmanrobin · 08-07-2016 11:14AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I suppose I am afraid of change, and also we have been together for so long its hard to imagine anything else.

Don't fall into this trap or you'll make a miserable life for yourself. You existed fine without this relationship and you'll be fine after you end it. I know it's difficult to see that when you're in the relationship, but you will be fine.

She needs therapy, by herself, to figure out why she feels the need to control someone so much. She needs to be single to do this. You might actually be doing her a favour if you were to end things.

And please stay away from this other guy. It's too easy to cheat in your situation.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:15AM

I know it comes across as infuriating - I would be the same if I was objectively reading my own posts and I'd be telling the poster to get the hell out. It's just not as easy as that. I don't know what is holding me back. I mean, I did love her once and think maybe I still do. We have had some great times together - I just didn't focus in on them as they weren't in issue. I just wish she would trust me and give me a little freedom - I'm not a player, I don't want to fúck around with randomers and have always had a more "settled" approach to being in a relationship. I don't like going out and getting drunk and partying. I much prefer movie nights in and takeaways on the couch etc

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:16AM

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Stop complaining about your partner and break up!!!

Sorry I'm trying to get to grips with this myself. it's not as easy as just doing it. Maybe it is for some people.

Givepuzzles · 08-07-2016 11:17AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Sorry I'm trying to get to grips with this myself. it's not as easy as just doing it. Maybe it is for some people.

Op you are in an abusive relationship. She's not going to change

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:22AM

intheclouds wrote: »

The abusive behaviour from your partner is way out of line and not acceptable.

I have to ask why either of you bother to stay in the relationship. You want to go for work drinks with friends at a moments notice, not be bothered by texts or calls, and go home whatever time you want. There is nothing wrong with this. However, it probably also affects the next evening when you may be tired and not want to do something she might have planned. Or you may be all socialised out and want to stay in over the weekend as a result. Whatever, its probably the case that there is more to it than just the few drinks on that evening. Id also be interested to know how regular it is. I would almost never have impromptu drinks with work or anyone else. Generally going for a few drinks is a planned event (just because life is busy and I cant drop everything to go for drinks out of the blue too easily or it will cause a problem elsewhere in my routine).

She wants you to come home earlier, spend time with her, and if that doesnt happen she goes ballistic.

On the face of it it sounds like you simply want different things out of life. Thats ok. Being abusive as a result is not.

That this is the second time this has happened to you in a relationship would make me question your choices. That coupled with the fact that you are using a guy as an emotional crutch while you are not free to be with him. You need to examine this in yourself - its not really for speculation here or as part of your current problem. You do need to watch for the warning signs of possessive behaviour and not see them as "cute" or "sweet".

On this relationship. Well its clear it has had its day. You dont want to live a leashed life and it is not ok for you to be abused the way you are. She would surely prefer to be with someone who comes home more and isnt into impromptu socialising. Her reaction to what she doesnt like is a big problem. But its not your problem to solve.

I think this is an unfair assessment. Not wanting an onslaught of messages demanding that I return home is not quite the same as not wanting to be bothered. I've never had a problem checking in with her throughout the evening.

intheclouds · 08-07-2016 11:27AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I think this is an unfair assessment. Not wanting an onslaught of messages demanding that I return home is not quite the same as not wanting to be bothered. I've never had a problem checking in with her throughout the evening.

Sorry I didnt mean it to sound unfair.

No one wants an onslaught of messages/calls if they go out.

It amounts to the same really, you want to go for the drinks, not have the onslaught, and go home whenever you want. Late is subjective, if I said I wouldnt be late Id mean 8.30 or so, although my husband would know what "my" late means. So youd imagine she knows what "your" late means.

I dont see anything wrong with you wanting that btw. In fact if my husband goes out I wouldnt even consider texting him at all so he can just relax and enjoy himself. Same if I go out.

I see you clarified how often it is, its not often, so thats even more of a reason for it not to be any kind of problem. But youre getting crucified for it so why tolerate that?

Sapphire · 08-07-2016 11:28AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Another thing I was mulling over was that the people I was out with are mostly married/have significant others and they didn't appear to be getting an onslaught of abusive messages come 8pm. And they were all still there when I left. And I don't want to get into a contest about it, but when my OH goes out, she'll usually rock in at 1 or 2 in the morning and doesn't even know her own name. I never take issue with this because I think its normal, especially if it is infrequent. In my defence, I very rarely go out on spec and if there are work or college nights I either tell her in advance (and invite her if appropriate) or miss them.

My ex (another one!) seemed to use my very rare nights out as an opportunity to cause a row. It actually took me some time to figure out that other workmates with relationships weren't fielding off the digs and snide texts like me, or bracing themselves for a 4 hr bollocking when they finally got home. Took me by surprise to realise that.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Sorry I'm trying to get to grips with this myself. it's not as easy as just doing it. Maybe it is for some people.

No, not when its an abusive relationship, and particularly when you are together years and live together. Posters thinking you can break up in a matter of days and simply move out are likely just concerned for you but forgetting that to try to find somewhere to stay, pack and move your stuff, and deal with what you know is going to be a fraught and messy break up is very daunting.

You only started this thread less than a week ago. You've processed an awful lot in that time. Do try to make an appointment with Womens Aid, they will empower you and give you very expert advice. They really are brilliant.

Pro Hoc Vice · 08-07-2016 11:31AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I mean, I did love her once and think maybe I still do. We have had some great times together - I just didn't focus in on them as they weren't in issue. I just wish she would trust me and give me a little freedom

Just read your own word you talk of loving her in the past and maybe still do. You then go and say you wish she would trust you and give you a little freedom. FFS OP you are beaten down by this women if she does not trust you and you are not free and you used to love her what are you still doing with here you can not live a relationship in the past that is not healthy for you or her.

ChampagnePop · 08-07-2016 11:31AM

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Sorry I'm trying to get to grips with this myself. it's not as easy as just doing it. Maybe it is for some people.

I'm sorry that was harsh, I just don't understand why you are going around in circles about a relationship which you don't appear to respect and is not healthy

intheclouds · 08-07-2016 11:32AM

Incidentally, this business of causing a row over the other person not being there to keep someone company is bollox. You are not the entertainment for another person! When my husband goes out with friends (or away to conferences) Im delighted with the house to myself - and truth be told, often wish he did it a bit more often.

OldNotWIse · 08-07-2016 11:42AM

ChampagnePop wrote: »

I'm sorry that was harsh, I just don't understand why you are going around in circles about a relationship which you don't appear to respect and is not healthy

Nor do I

Ursus Horribilis · 08-07-2016 11:46AM

Would you think about ringing Women's Aid? They'll understand far better than us what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. It's just a phone call, not a commitment to do anything one way or another.

Pro Hoc Vice · 08-07-2016 11:49AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Would you think about ringing Women's Aid? They'll understand far better than us what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. It's just a phone call, not a commitment to do anything one way or another.

Do women's aid provide support for guys in an abusive relationship?

Sapphire · 08-07-2016 11:52AM

Pro Hoc Vice wrote: »

Do women's aid provide support for guys in an abusive relationship?

No, Amen.ie do.

The op is female though so Womens Aid will help.

Pro Hoc Vice · 08-07-2016 11:56AM

Sapphire wrote: »

No, Amen.ie do.

The op is female though so Womens Aid will help.

I assumed the op was male as first post referred to partner as female.

Sapphire · 08-07-2016 11:57AM

Pro Hoc Vice wrote: »

I assumed the op was male as first post referred to partner as female.

Nope. Same sex couple.

Jealous Partner

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