A little help and advice needed!

daisydotty81 · 03-07-2016 12:05PM #1

Hi boardsies
Never posted on here but woke up this morning to the realisation that I'm pretty sure my relationship with my boyfriend of just under two years is over. I came back and stayed at my parents to give us headspace. Long story short- I'm 35 and was in a LTR from the age of 19 to 32 where we ended up getting married in 2011 and it ended in mid 2013. It was awful etc but I knew it was the best thing and i got through it in time with the help of family and friends. And I've never looked back. No kids involved.
Fast forward to sept 2014 and I decided to try online dating and get myself back out there. Went on a few dates but eventually met this amazing guy who I fell in love with and felt there was a future for us. He knew all about my marriage break up. And we went from strength to strength and moved in together in March. Really felt we were strong and I was so happy. Until last weekend he proposed out of the blue and I couldn't say yes. We'd never really discussed it and I tried to explain I felt it was too early and we weren't ready for it. I said it's "not no" but just not now. But yesterday he wanted to talk and I knew it was coming. I know he did the most beautiful thing and felt it was right and to be rejected has crushed and hurt him so so much. He doesn't think he can get passed it. I respect that.
So here I am this morning heartbroken and whilst he hasn't officially ended it, I think that's coming. I'm hoping to meet him later at the house as all my stuff is still there anyway. If I'd any notion this was in the pipeline, I would have at least discussed my fears etc about getting married again. I do want to marry again. Im going to fight for him but if he's made up his mind it's over then I'll just have to accept it. Any advice for me?x

batmanrobin · 03-07-2016 12:37PM

It's perfectly understandable that you'd need more time. However, even if you explain this to him, he might want a deadline. He might want to know when you're ready and that might be a reply you just might not be able to give.

Explain to him that it is absolutely no reflection on him or the relationship or how you feel about him, but that you're just not ready to get married again just yet.

Do not be guilted into anything. He needs to respect your needs too.

njs030 · 03-07-2016 03:52PM

Surely you can't even apply for divorce until 2017? So possibly it's more about the commitment to him than actually getting married anytime soon.

daisydotty81 · 03-07-2016 03:56PM

Thanks for the reply! I actually ended up getting a civil annulment in 2014 so the marriage is null and void thank god!!!!he text earlier to say he just wants to be on his own for now and to have time to think which I understand. We're going to meet later in the week to talk. Head melted!

weldoninhio · 03-07-2016 04:01PM

He needs to cop on. What is a ring and bit of paper going to change about your relationship. If he's throwing a hissy fit over not getting his own way, you might want to reassess the situation.

LegacyUser · 04-07-2016 10:46AM

Totally agree with above post. What does a ring and paper prove? It means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I find it very strange he would throw away what seems like a really good relationship just because you said you need more time

Magicmatilda · 04-07-2016 11:36AM

He went out on a limb and made himself vulnerable by asking you to marry him. He was asking for commitment and he was saying that he wanted that. I would imagine that he now feels very rejected and hurt. He is questioning your feelings for him. I can understand that.

I suspect that the reason you are not ready is fear? You are scared because of you past experience. You got married, you thought it would be well, and then it all fell apart and no matter how much you knew that was the for the best, no doubt you were left hurt and raw.

So we have two people who love each other but both too hurt and raw and in too much fear to move forward.

Do you want to marry this man? Is that how you see this relationship progressing? If so then you need to tell him. You also need to explain your fears to him, as best as you understand them.

Maybe some relationship counselling would help so that you can both open up and be vulnerable in a safe place.

I think you should explain that you love him and you see a future with him (if you do) and that you were shocked by his proposal as ye hadn't discussed it and it brought up a lot of the hurt and fear of your past relationship (if it did, I could be way off in this). That you want to work through this together and spend your life with him (if you do) and that you love him and you are sorry for hurting him (because even though you didn't mean to hurt him, you probably have). Then I would leave him alone to process all that and hope that he can move forward.

Separately maybe there are some residual feelings that you need to process from the ending of your marriage?

I hope it works out for you, it is so hard to find a mutual love that it would be a shame for this to not work out.

silverharp · 04-07-2016 12:47PM

weldoninhio wrote: »

He needs to cop on. What is a ring and bit of paper going to change about your relationship. If he's throwing a hissy fit over not getting his own way, you might want to reassess the situation.

that's a bit strong, I wouldn't have had kids without being married first to ensure I had the fullest paternal rights possible. his thinking might be similar but the OP didn't mention kids so just a guess.

gifted · 04-07-2016 12:53PM

weldoninhio wrote: »

He needs to cop on. What is a ring and bit of paper going to change about your relationship. If he's throwing a hissy fit over not getting his own way, you might want to reassess the situation.

Bit over the top
He just asked his g/f to marry him...she said no....he didn't ask her for a dance or something mundane....give the man a chance...he just got rejected...he's hardly gonna pull up and act like everything is normal.

pookie82 · 04-07-2016 01:09PM

weldoninhio wrote: »

He needs to cop on. What is a ring and bit of paper going to change about your relationship. If he's throwing a hissy fit over not getting his own way, you might want to reassess the situation.

He is completely entitled to want to get married and call her his wife. He probably sees it as the ultimate commitment. Marriage often solidifies a relationship like nothing else.

I recently asked a newly married couple what it felt like, even though they'd been together for years. They said: "it just feels like we're more of a unit now, like we're a family, even without kids" and I'd imagine a lot of couples feel that way. It's "official" in a sense like no other.

That's not to say they don't go horribly wrong and fall apart, but at least you both start out with the intention and declaration of commitment.

He's entitled to want to take that step, and she's entitled to not be ready.

These boards are usually filled with threads from women who want a man to commit but who can't seem to get his act together. Almost always the advice is to leave, unless he can indicate some sort of timeline, that she deserves someone who will commit to her, etc. It's very rare to see anyone comment and tell her to cop on and not throw something good away for the sake of a ring.

This is the exact same situation, albeit from the man's pov. No less valid IMO.

It's not about marriage being right or wrong, it's about one person wanting it, and the other not. I don't think either side should be vilified and as long as you're honest you can both move forward in the best sense.

Sunflower 27 · 04-07-2016 01:22PM

Is it that you don't love him, or are you afraid of the commitment of marriage, once bitten twice shy

It sounds as though your first marriage ended badly. Under those circumstances, it is natural you would feel uneasy.

squonk · 04-07-2016 02:36PM

Honestly to me it sounds a bit strange on his part already knowing your history that he'd just turn up with a ring and propose, like 'TA-DAH!!'. Had you, as a couple, OP ever even broached the subject? Also, I'm guessing you're not going out that long, a year or 18 months? It's still long enough to have discussed your general attitudes though is it?

Sounds like he went way out on a limb. If you're going to do that then you have to expect that there's a good chance the limb is going to break so you can't really act too pissed off that the fall hurt you. I think he should have exercised better judgment really considering the issues involved.

Hopefully he'll come to his senses and you can talk it over properly once his wounds heal. Perhaps you both as a couple need to have deeper conversations about your attitudes and outlooks and feelings because it sounds like there's been a major disconnect here.

SarahMollie · 04-07-2016 05:10PM

OP, I think you need to be firm but fair with him on this one.

Yes, his pride is hurt and ego severely wounded. However if he thought enough of you to propose, then throwing away your relationship over this is a bit silly, and he'll only kick himself afterwards.

IMO you already showed commitment by moving in after a relatively short relationship - does this not show you think you have a future?

I should think that when someones been married before, they approach the whole subject differently, so a surprise proposal probably wasnt his best idea ever.

Yes, reassure him if you do actually still want to be with him and know that you'll get there eventually. But he really needs to hear that from your POV that a 2nd marriage is not something that you'll be rushed into.

Don't blame yourself over this. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face at the moment.

daisydotty81 · 04-07-2016 05:24PM

Thanks to all the replies! Much appreciated and food for thought. He always said marriage wasn't hugely important to him and I did tell him if I was to get married again I would be nervous and be cautious but did see it the future. That was last year. What happened to me was horrible and obviously has left a scar but I'm fully committed to this relationship. I felt we were making steady progress with moving in. It was my intention to talk about where he saw this going while we were away on hols last week but he proposed the first day we got there.
I would have done the char sooner after I moved in but his dad passed away and I felt he'd enough emotions to be dealing with. Anyway he wants to leave meeting and talking in person to the end of the week. I did text today tellin him everything I felt and laid my cards on the table. I will do this in person too but I felt I might be too upset and emotional to get it all out when I see him. If he can't get passed it then I'll understand ( I can't comprehend how hurt and rejected he must be) and leave knowing I tried my best. I've a rough few days ahead. Thanks to all x

squonk · 04-07-2016 09:05PM

OP I don't think this is as bad as you both think it is. Time apart to reflect will do a lot and it's easy to see you're both headed in the same direction but you're just in different gears. I think laying your cards out so far has been great. He knows where he stands and I think if he was ready to propose by now, he'll be ready to come around onc the dust settles. In the end it may mean compromise where he slows a bit but you speed up and, then too, maybe he's thinking down the line towards a family etc. I think you may not have had these kinds of conversations but that's ok because starting now is good.

I've a feeling this is an episode you'll both laugh about in years to come, or maybe completely forget because it's such a minor blip in an otherwise happy relationship. Good luck OP! I hope it works out well!

LegacyUser · 04-07-2016 10:29PM

OP, what's the harm in saying yes but under the condition that you wait a few years before the big day. At least that gives you time to get your head straight and that gives him some degree of security in the fact that your relationship means something to you both.
I'm separated, I don't regret ever marrying but at the same time it's a very serious thing to do from a legal perspective and as you well know it's a nightmare to walk away from. There's a huge financial cost in even getting separated. The flip side is that time waits for no man, it moves along at a great pace and you need to decide what you want out of life, do you really want to marry again at some point? Is this man the man you want? If he's not then who do you have in mind? But if he's not then it's time for you to end things too!

daisydotty81 · 05-07-2016 02:18AM

Thanks again for the advice. I do see myself getting married again but I just feel it's too soon. I do regret marrying the first time but look I got a clean break from him with an annulment within 18 months and I've never looked back. I'm €10000 lighter but worth every cent and more!!!
I do hope he sees this as a way of realising they we both need to sit down and discuss what we both want from this. I am of course willing to compromise and discuss getting engaged and married. It's not like I hadn't thought about it for my future but when it's actually presented in front of you when you've never discussed it with your partner then it's quite a shock. He did get back to me earlier saying we'd talk at the end of the week. I didn't want a text reply to what I'd written to him anyway (it was long but I felt I was clear and said what needed to be said) but I wanted him to know where I stood before I meet him.

I know I'm being a negative nelly but my gut is saying it's over in his eyes. I'll be devastated but I have to prepare myself for that. People at work are asking me how our holiday went and I'm just trying to stop myself from bawling. Have zero appetite but I did sleep better last night. On night shift tonight until Thursday morning so that's a welcomed distraction but emotionally hard. Had a good chat with my bestie today so that did perk me up some bit. Anyway thanks again boardsies. Time will tell a lot and I'll let ye know how it all goes x

LegacyUser · 05-07-2016 09:43AM

Op I really think if he bails after this then you had a lucky escape.

You are not that long together, not living together that long and his action and reaction would be a big red flag for me.

I don't understand why he would have handed it in you like this. On top of that his reaction is very poor. I understand he's hurt but he's not very adult about it.

This situation should be telling you a lot about him...

batmanrobin · 05-07-2016 10:09AM

Dolly says wrote: »

Op I really think if he bails after this then you had a lucky escape.

You are not that long together, not living together that long and his action and reaction would be a big red flag for me.

I don't understand why he would have handed it in you like this. On top of that his reaction is very poor. I understand he's hurt but he's not very adult about it.

This situation should be telling you a lot about him...

Logged on to say this.

Even the most obtuse person would have the wherewithal to sit down and have a general conversation about marriage and the future before just springing an engagement on a woman who has gone through an annulment.

If he does end things without even sitting down and compromising with you, then you're better off without someone like that.

He can't just expect you to march to his drum. What kind of a marriage would that make?

daisydotty81 · 05-07-2016 12:52PM

That's what I keep saying to myself and had glad ye are thinking the same. 12 days ago he wants to marry me and if he wants to throw it all away on Friday because I'm not ready then yes, he obviously isn't who I thought he is.

I really do want it to work out but as I said my gut is telling me he'll finish it. I am really heartbroken thinking about that. Still not eating and Im awake after two hours sleep!!
But I know I've made the right decision by not saying yes and I'm proud of myself for that. I know if I'd said yes I be here saying oh crap what have I done and prob feel a lot worse than I do right now. His dad died in May and I'm wondering did this influence this very sudden proposal. He's still very early on in his grief. But he did it, I can't take back my answer and if it's the end then I will get through it. I've fab friends and family around me who supported me so much the last time. The thought of being single again at 35 and starting all over again is just so daunting and lonely. But I'll be fine. Thanks so much for all the kind words and helpful reassurance and advice.

LegacyUser · 05-07-2016 12:57PM

Op if he finishes it like this then he's an absolute muppet. You sound lovely and you have your head screwed on. The way he is behaving is really baffling and tbh you should be using this time to figure out if you can forgive him. Has he just bailed out of the house?

daisydotty81 · 05-07-2016 04:58PM

No he's at the house. It's his rented place and I'd moved in end of last March. I came home to stay at my parents sat night as he said he just wanted to be on his own. And we both needed headspace. I hope this time apart will give him time to think. Wasn't sure was being asked for time on his own just as a physical presence so I made the first contact yesterday and certainly didn't rattle on. And he did reply. But I haven't heard anything today and I'm just going to leave it. I'm trying to see it's a positive that he just needs space. But bloody hell its hard!

LegacyUser · 06-07-2016 01:46AM

It's not acceptable. He can't just put you out of your home when it suits him. As I said above, take this time to decide if you want to be with him. He sounds like a bully tbh

batmanrobin · 06-07-2016 11:13AM

His behaviour is odd! You could appreciate someone feeling a bit down after being knocked back, but he's kinda taking the pi*s a bit.

I wonder if it's not a tactic on his part to guilt you into saying yes.

squonk · 06-07-2016 11:45AM

I'm starting to wonder too OP. It's Wednesday now and you've done a lot from your side to get your point across. I still think he should have had a bit of cop on in proposing out of the blue like that but you're entitled to say No and I'd even believe that has to be expected if you're proposing totally out of the blue.

What I'm not getting is the continued silence on his behalf and his still wanting to be alone. I could maybe totally see that for a few days and I'm a big believer in getting a bit of rest and getting your head sorted out in an event such as this but the time comes when you have to communicate.

I hate to say it OP but I have my worries. Not that he might not ultimately come around to your way of thinking, but that he'll just clam up and go dark once any major life hiccup happens. What happens down the line if one of you has a major health issue, or a money issue or god knows what else? Are you sure you want to be the one who gets on with it while your partner goes to ground for an indefinite period?

The bottom line at this stage is that his carry on is not acceptable at this stage. IMHO he should be communicating something and it's not fair on you to be the one carrying all of this when it's all down to an ill-conceived move on his part.

stargazer 68 · 06-07-2016 12:14PM

squonk wrote: »

I'm starting to wonder too OP. It's Wednesday now and you've done a lot from your side to get your point across. I still think he should have had a bit of cop on in proposing out of the blue like that but you're entitled to say No and I'd even believe that has to be expected if you're proposing totally out of the blue.

.

Was just about to say exactly this - its now Wednesday. Surely some kind of conversation is warranted by now.

woodchuck · 06-07-2016 12:22PM

Needing some space to think is fair enough... but what good is it for him to mull over everything for so long without having actually talked to you? He could end up making a decision he regrets just because you both haven't had a proper conversation about the situation.

daisydotty81 · 06-07-2016 03:12PM

I suppose it was me who suggested coming back to my parents sat night to stay which I felt was the right thing to do. Then when we talked Sunday morning he said he was heading to see his family (he's from another county and I'm not sure what they know) for a few hours. I said listen we need to talk. So then he said he just wanted to be on his own for now and since I was working three night shifts could we talk after that once we'd both time to think. So essentially he didn't make me move out but I thought I'd be back there Sunday but after that text I said I'd better stay put at my parents.

I'm finding the no contact hard but I know I've done my bit for now. I'm finished my night shifts the morning. If I haven't heard from him tomorrow im not going to text. I think I'll just head there in the evening when I know he'll be home. He's given me no indication as to what way he's thinking and that's killing me.

Haven't discussed it with too many but most just say ah he won't give ye up just because you're not ready. And if he is going to throw it all away at the first hurdle then maybe his true colours are showing.

LegacyUser · 06-07-2016 03:13PM

So is this 1.5 weeks now since he asked?

LegacyUser · 06-07-2016 03:45PM

fatherofthebride wrote: »

OP, what's the harm in saying yes but under the condition that you wait a few years before the big day.

Potentially a lot of harm. Saying yes now then in a few years in transpires that she actually doesn't want to marry him, or simply doesn't want to get married at all, would have wasted his time and leave him very hurt. Terrible idea.

OP the thread has trended towards suggesting he's not all he's cracked up to be if this leads to the end of the relationship. I think that's strangely harsh from the posters suggesting it, but thankfully you yourself seem to have more understanding of where his head is at and I hope you're not buying into it. I would say he's not only feeling rejected (and whether you say no or not yet, it's still not a yes and it is rejection for him), but also feeling embarrassed that he misjudged the situation and that he's going to have to admit that to people close to him. He also probably thought of it as a great chance for you to put your baggage behind you and have a much better second shot at it, which he now feels was an inadequate effort. That's a nightmare for him and I can't say I blame him for wanting to hide away for a little headspace for a while. A rejected proposal is a very, very difficult thing to get over. You had your reasons, but they won't have penetrated for him just yet and they may never.
How it's going to go from here is largely up to him I'd imagine, but you can help by not blaming him for how he's feeling and behaving for now, his reaction is perfectly understandable.

Augme · 06-07-2016 04:05PM

Have yous ever talked about kids, not specially having them together but do both of you want kids? That's the only reason I can see why he's struggling with what to do.

A little help and advice needed!

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