Would you be ok with this?

LegacyUser · 26-06-2016 10:01PM #1

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months. I'm on my 30's, he's on his 50's. We met while working abroad (Australia). He says he is very committed. We both had our fun times in the past, and I thought we were on this for good.

Since he came to Ireland, I have encouraged him to visit his parents regularly in the UK, as they are elderly, not so healthy and they miss him a lot.

The first time he went there (after being abroad for a long time), he said he also wanted to visit his best friend, which happens to be his ex. I tried to be open minded about this and thought she was probably an important person in his life.
He spent a week sleeping at her house and traveling with her and her little daughter for birthday celebrations and fun fairs. Suffice to say I regret trying to be so nice. Nothing has happened (that I know of), but it hurts me that he was playing happy family with them when I don't even know how things will pan out for us.

Now he went to the UK again, we went together this time, and out of the blue his mother became very ill. I was as supportive as I could (kept her company in the ambulance, didn't sleep for 48h helping the family in hospitals etc) and was willing to stay longer to help him and the family. He eventually convinced me it would be wiser for me to come back to Dublin, since I work in a very demanding job - which I thought it was sweet... kind of.

Now fast-forward 5 days and he tells me he is staying with another single female friend overnight on Saturday and Sunday. I don't even know who this person is. I had offered to go to the UK this weekend, i had offered to pay for accommodation so we could be together and visit his mother in hospital. Yet he went to another random woman's place to spend the weekend there and have dinner and breakfast etc with her. If his sole intention was to save 50 quid in accommodation (which i had offered to pay for in the first place!), I'm not impressed.

I'm so not the jealous type at all but I feel like he is making a fool of me. I'm trying to play it cool as the priority now is his mother, of course. But considering we are both at that point of making big decisions about marriage and family, I feel very disrespected to say the least.

Am I overreacting? Or is it ok that my bf feels like it's grand to sleep over at random female friend's house as it suits?

Thanks for your insight.

leggo · 27-06-2016 08:45AM

The stuff with the ex's kid is a lot, because that's a completely different and more intense dynamic that the ex shouldn't be bringing into play (why is she having her kid continue to build a relationship with her ex?!?)

I think you're right to feel how you feel and should bring it up now. You can't get walked all over just because his mother is sick. Don't go psycho at him, but mention that it bothers you and you'd prefer if he didn't and see how that goes.

Also keep in mind that, if he was cheating, you probably wouldn't know about it. So there's that. But still, I and a lot of other people would be weird with that stuff and you're not wrong to feel how you feel.

LegacyUser · 27-06-2016 09:25AM

Personally, I wouldn't be ok with that. You can't expect a partner to pass their ex in the street, but you can expect them not to go on holidays with them. At best, it's unfair to put your trust to the test for no good reason, but really it shows disregard for your feelings and at worst it may be that he cheated and you might be just an option.

I understand that you don't want to tackle things while his mother is ill, but he's showing no such regard for her illness by carrying on that way while she is, even taking advantage of it to see a single female friend. so I don't think you need worry about the timing, tackle it before it becomes more of a problem.

intheclouds · 27-06-2016 09:26AM

You either trust him or you dont.

Do you mind him having female friends? Or is it just the fact that he is visiting with them?

Augme · 27-06-2016 09:50AM

These situations are fairly common and you'll get opinions on both sides of the fence. As someone who's good friends with a few ex's I'm on one side. At the end of the day if you're not comfortable with it then you're best of breaking up. If you raised these issues with me I'd finish it anyway.

As intheclouds said, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, end it.

leggo wrote: »

The stuff with the ex's kid is a lot, because that's a completely different and more intense dynamic that the ex shouldn't be bringing into play (why is she having her kid continue to build a relationship with her ex?!?)

I think you're right to feel how you feel and should bring it up now. You can't get walked all over just because his mother is sick. Don't go psycho at him, but mention that it bothers you and you'd prefer if he didn't and see how that goes.

Also keep in mind that, if he was cheating, you probably wouldn't know about it. So there's that. But still, I and a lot of other people would be weird with that stuff and you're not wrong to feel how you feel.

They're best friends, who happen to be an ex. I think most people would consider it quite normal for their best friend to have a relationship with their child.

LegacyUser · 27-06-2016 09:59AM

OP here, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.

I agree that it is not fair for this child to have this unusual dynamic going on. And it is a very good point that his mother being ill is not an excuse for him to be less respectful towards me/us.

Answering the questions below, I understand that one either trust someone or doesn't. In fact, for all I know, if someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. This is not what my post was about.

It's about what role I play in his life, and what our relationship represents to him.

I obviously have no problem with him having female friends or visiting them. What I have a problem with is :

- At a time when we are both deciding on whether to get engaged and have kids -needless to say, a sensitive time in any relationship, especially when I'm over 35 and he is over 50- he went travelling for a week with the ex and her daughter, playing happy family in amusement parks, sleeping in the same hotel etc. And that was 2 months after he moved in.

- At a time when I would think he would like to have my support (his mother being ill), he cuts me off and spends Saturday and Sunday night sleeping at another random friend's house (single, female) without even discussing anything in advance with me.

- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.

- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.

All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.

intheclouds wrote: »

You either trust him or you dont.

Do you mind him having female friends? Or is it just the fact that he is visiting with them?

Username212016 · 27-06-2016 10:28AM

[font=Arial, sans-serif]OP here, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]I agree that it is not fair for this child to have this unusual dynamic going on. And it is a very good point that his mother being ill is not an excuse for him to be less respectful towards me/us.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]Answering the questions below, I understand that one either trust someone or doesn't. In fact, for all I know, if someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. This is not what my post was about.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]It's about what role I play in his life, and what our relationship represents to him.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]I obviously have no problem with him having female friends or visiting them. What I have a problem with is :[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- At a time when we are both deciding on whether to get engaged and have kids or not -needless to say, a sensitive time in any relationship, especially when I'm over 35 and he is over 50- he went travelling for a week with the ex and her daughter, playing happy family in amusement parks, sleeping in the same hotel etc. And that was 2 months after he moved in with me.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif](He hasn t been in contact with his ex for years and he s only seen her child 3 times in her life (10yo), so it s not like they had a bound or anything). [/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- At a time when I would think he would like to have my support (his mother being ill), he cuts me off and spends Saturday and Sunday night sleeping at another random friend's house (single, female) without even discussing anything in advance with me.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif](this person is not a long time friend, it is someone he met "casually but is just a friend", and someone he also doesn't keep in touch with) [/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.[/font]

dudara · 27-06-2016 11:24AM

OP - just a gentle reminder that you only need to post a response once. It will then go into a "pending" queue, until it is approved by a mod. This can take some time, depending on workload.

seenitall · 27-06-2016 11:30AM

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

hi op,

As the song goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no (sounds better when you sing it!)

This is not the guy you will have a happily ever after with.

Since I read your first post, I got a feeling that something like the above was coming down the line - and you indeed delivered

What can I say? If you were not in it as deep as you are , you would be able to see for yourself that there is no happiness to be found in this relationship for you. I am sure he is very charming and lovely, but he also needs the ego boost and validation of other women's attention and care. You will never be enough op, and , seeing as he is over 50, probably no one ever will.

It's no reflection on you. Just the way he is, I know the type.

End it now, or face future heartbreak. Does it really matter if he cheats or not on all those cosy sleepovers, when you will forever feel like a mere option for him, like you are putting in to the relationship more than you are getting, like you have to be looking over your shoulder for the next female friend who comes along?

Don't wanna play games, don't pick a player.

m'lady · 27-06-2016 11:46AM

I would be very hurt and angry over this and would not accept it. You have tried to support him and he has excluded you at a time where, in your words should have wanted (even needed?) your support.
It sounds to me like he isn't in this relationship for the 'long haul' and I would cut him loose- he hasn't realised how much he's hurt you and possibly never will.

intheclouds · 27-06-2016 11:56AM

Did he not discuss the weeks travel with the ex and her child with you before he went? If he did, did you express that you wouldnt be happy about it? Did you express to him after he came back that you werent happy about it?

About his mother being ill - this is an odd one, maybe it was just easier to go to a friends than have you travel? Again, what was said when and if you discussed it with him?

How is your communication generally - just on the two examples above it sounds like its not good?

Username212016 · 27-06-2016 12:06PM

Thanks for the replies so far, it really helps to get some perspective.

Intheclouds, the visit to the ex and her child had been proposed as a 2 days visit (previously agreed) which then turned into a week. At the time he was just back to Europe after a long time in Australia, so he didn't even have a phone to let me know and I assumed he was with his parents.

I had no idea he was staying with this "casual Acquaintance" in the UK until he was there already. Since he has no shortage of money, I had assumed he would be staying at a hotel.

We do communicate fine, and I was putting this one down to the fact that his mother is seriously ill. It's more an issue of what is acceptable for each person. I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

squonk · 27-06-2016 12:20PM

My gut reaction really is to kick this relationship to touch. There are two sides to the story and you could argue back and forth til the cows come home but, at the end of the day, this isn't making you very happy OP and, whether the's cheating or not cheating, he just needs that attention. He's in his 50's so that's not something that'll change now. You can't really live with that so there isn't much of a choice that I can see.

intheclouds · 27-06-2016 01:58PM

Username212016 wrote: »

We do communicate fine, and I was putting this one down to the fact that his mother is seriously ill. It's more an issue of what is acceptable for each person. I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

Im so sorry, but I really think you dont.

Did you tell him afterwards that you were not happy that he had turned a 2 day visit into a week without discussing it with you?

Its baffling to me that (even without a phone) your life partner can think its acceptable to disappear and not let you know where he is for a week - there is email and social media!!

Username212016 · 27-06-2016 02:40PM

Intheclouds, these are the two instances where our communication obviously broke down, hence I'm writing this post. This is not to say communication as a whole in the relationship doesn't work.

Yes, I did tell him afterwards.
Yes, eventually he was able to connect to the Internet and let me know changes in plan (not after an entire week had passed)

My question thought is the same - are these hiccups that happen in any relationship or is he taking the p*ss.

Thank you very much to those who shared your opinions and insights, I'm hinking very carefully about each one of them.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-06-2016 02:44PM

Username212016 wrote: »

We do communicate fine......I'm trying to figure out how much more I should accept before I call it a day.

I don't believe you do. I think too he might have these plans already thought out, maybe even already arranged with the other people, but he doesn't tell you until you are out of the way, and unlikely/unable to object. He sounds quite immature for a man in his 50s. Almost like a teenager getting all the plans in place before asking their parents if they can go!

Does he have many male friends that he stays with? Meets up with? I generally wouldn't have a problem if my partner was meeting up with friends. I would have a problem if he was spending nights/weeks etc with other women and being a bit flimsy with the details.

I think he's taking you for a fool. Probably unintentionally, and probably would be shocked to find out it's causing you a problem, but in my eyes that just shows a level of immaturity in him. If he was open about things before the event, fair enough, and it gives you a chance to discuss it. (He has a right to make whatever plans he wishes, but as a committed partner you equally have a right to not be entirely happy about it. He then also has the right to go ahead regardless. And you in turn have the right to say it's not for you!) But he is deliberately holding things back from you until it's too late.

I wouldn't be interested in all that messing around and games, not past the age of 22 anyway!

Edit: On the point of how much more you "should accept". Every relationship has compromises. There obviously has to be compromise for 2 people to live together and continue a relationship with each other. No two people are always going to want exactly the same things at exactly the same time. You just need to discover if both of you are compromising and "accepting" the other's behaviour, or if only one of you are.

Magicmatilda · 27-06-2016 02:47PM

What do you want from this relationship?

Do you want marriage and children? Does he? Have you discussed it?

I would question if he is in his 50's and he wants these things then why hasn't he already prioritised them, there may of course be a reasonable answer but I think it is a valid question.

Do you want a partnership? This does not sound like a partnership, he didn't tell you about staying with the friend, or the weeks holiday. Regardless of whether these friends were male or female, the fact that he doesn't feel it necessary or reasonable to keep you informed of where he is and what he is doing would suggest he does not see this as a partnership. I don't mean constant contact but to not even consider telling you he was travelling around with a friend for a week rather than a few days, kind of indicates the position he considers you hold in his life. If you were partners, you would be kept in the loop.

Sorry but there is not excuse for not being in contact, there are landlines, emails, social media. You are living together 6 months but he doesn't have a mobile phone he could contact you from? That's very odd.

I think if you are honest with yourself you will realise that you want different things.

Emme · 27-06-2016 02:57PM

OP, if you are serious about having a family and children then you should be dating someone who is equally serious about this. Your boyfriend isn't.

You can talk to him and tell him you're not happy with the way things are but I doubt if he'll be willing to change. He has been very disrespectful to you.

There is also the issue of his parents' health. If his mother's health continues to deteriorate he may not want to commit to anything else. You seem to be more concerned about their health than him.

I get the feeling you're staying with this man because you want to have children and you feel that time is running out. If he's neglecting you he would definitely neglect a child if you had one together. Would you like a child to go through what you're going through now?

Your boyfriend is behaving more like a man in his 20s than in his 50s. My advice to you is call it a day.

intheclouds · 27-06-2016 03:21PM

What was his response when you told him you werent happy about the week off playing happy families?

Fundamentally it comes down to you and he feeling very differently about certain things.

He thinks its ok to flit off and not share his plans with you (pre arranged or not).

The plans themselves seem to be an issue too, you are not happy with him playing happy families with another woman and her child and also staying over with a single woman.

Id be thinking that he seems quite selfish to be doing this kind of thing at his age tbh.

lazygal · 27-06-2016 03:31PM

To answer your question, I wouldn't be ok with any of this.

jopax · 27-06-2016 10:17PM

Hi op,
I just wanted to say you sound like a genuine and honest person, and you seem very understanding while others wouldn't.
I think you have reasons to question your feelings on this. Your feelings are telling you things and trying to watch out for you.
If I was in your shoes I think I would stay cool while his mum is not well.
When he does return home, I would sit down and have a straight chat about all that happened and explain your concerns and how it made you feel.
I think after that you will get your answer as to whether he is the one for you.
You are still young at 35, but if you want children don't waste these precious years you have to find a partner who would be delighted to find someone as good as you. These men are out there, you just need a bit of luck to find them.
Anyway I just wanted to wish you well for your future no matter who your with.
Be true to your dreams and you'll be happy.
Best wishes

makingmecrazy · 28-06-2016 06:10AM

I can't be the only one who would find it very odd that my partner would spend an entire week with his ex(I know they are friends now but they were partners at one point, that tie cannot be overlooked)and her child. A WEEK???
That's an incredibly long hello for friends. When I have ever reconnected with a friend who has been away, it has been a dinner or drinks as a catch up(they valued family time etc more and quite rightly so). I'm sorry, but your oh really enjoyed her company. A little too much for someone who is supposed to be in a relationship with you.

As for the random female friend with the Saturday and Sunday stay?
OP, you know alarm bells are ringing.
Any partner I have had, never stayed over (I know you think they had separate rooms etc, but I'm not buying it)with female friends. EVER. EVER.
Same as I wouldn't disrespect them by staying over with a male friend. Its just not on. And ime, there is almost always certainly more in it, be it unrequited love/ego boost/player mentality or simply just playing away from home.

It sounds like he is lining you up as another "friend" in the long run. He is telling you these things. Not hiding them. This is his life and his way of doing business. He is clearly letting you know the score.
He is saying loud and clear "This is me. This is what I do. Accept it"

This is not a long term thing imho OP.
Move on

silverbolt · 28-06-2016 07:59AM

Username212016 wrote: »

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- When his mother got suddenly ill, I was the one who made personal and professional sacrifices to support the family. And now he goes for out for dinners and breakfasts and looks for solace in the company of this other person, when my weekend in the UK was a series of extremely stressful events and one hospital after another.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]- I have witnessed situations when women clearly flirt with him and he doesn't set a boundary. He says he doesn't realises it. Well, either he is very naive or he likes the extra attention / ego stroke, whichever it is makes me wonder what happens when I'm not around.[/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]All that said, he is a lovely person altogether. But I'm at a point in my life when I'm not interested in games.[/font]

Those three points.

The first one I feel is a valid concern - but not cos shes an ex but because he left you holding the bag so to speak. Were you doing all this while he was off having breakfast?

The second one - youd be surprised. Men can be remarkably dense with this kind of thing. I know from experience that we dont always see whats right in front of us and we miss that to others are blindingly obvious.

The third. Is e playing games or is he just being a bit dense? You know him better than we do OP.

timmy880 · 28-06-2016 09:02AM

I'm not sure the communication is as good as you think it is. "we communicate fine" does not build any sort of confidence and the whole he was just back in Europe and had no phone thing? That's easily fixed for a man who has no shortage of money like you said. None of this adds up at all. I was with my ex for 3 years and was very close with her young son and there is no way I would consider going on holiday with them/spending time with them for a week and assume its just being friendly. It would be completely disrespectful to the person I'm with now. Like most boards relationship issues, you know him better than us. But a guy in his 50's who behaves this way doesn't seem overly interested in settling down and starting a family like you've said. If he really wanted that, I think it might have happened by now. Parts of this just don't add up. His mother being ill is obviously concerning for all involved but he is pushing you away so he can stay at another female friend's gaff? No thanks.

beks101 · 28-06-2016 10:48AM

All these "single female" friends and the inappropriately long stays with them and flirting with any woman who looks his way at the age of 50+...

It's just a bit sad really OP. He'll never change. His "I'll do what I like' attitude is most likely what kept him away from commitment to any one woman up to this point and he's so long in the game that you're barking up the wrong tree at this stage.

Look at your actions versus his own. You will and have dropped everything for him; he's skipping off to play happy families with a string of exes without a second thought for you.

Don't waste any more time on him. You will regret it.

rainbowtrout · 28-06-2016 02:31PM

Username212016 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far, it really helps to get some perspective.

At the time he was just back to Europe after a long time in Australia, so he didn't even have a phone to let me know and I assumed he was with his parents.

Username212016 wrote: »

Yes, eventually he was able to connect to the Internet and let me know changes in plan (not after an entire week had passed)

Ah here. Is there not a single phone in the whole of the UK that he could have used to ring you????

I don't buy the 'I couldn't connect to the internet for a week. Why not borrow his ex's phone and ring from that, or from anywhere else for that matter, like his parent's house?

Any when he made such a big trip from Australia to Europe, why wouldn't he tell you he was travelling until he had arrived and set up shop with the ex for the week. I bet she was notified of his arrival.

Not buying it. Cheating or not, he's wasting your time.

Username212016 · 02-07-2016 03:04AM

Thanks very much everyone for your insights and opinions, I truly appreciate it.

Food for thought.

His mother's health deteriorated quite a bit so as you guessed, there won't be much of a moment to have a in depth conversation.

I reiterated that the unannounced weeked at a stranger's gaff was not my exactly nice, but his reply was "I am yours and totally committed to you, not my fault if you don't want to believe it." (in fairness this conversation took place between medical examinations and his mother is in intensive care at risk of passing away at any moment, so I have to cut the guy some slack)

Based on what you guys kindly shared, it points out more to an ego stroke sort of thing and if that's the case, I've been there, have the book and cd, and it won't be fun

Thanks so much once again to everyone, and especially those that offered their thoughts but didn't judge me.

And answering one question, no, I'm not waiting on him to commit, I'm also not 100% sure I want to have kids. But you are right that if I decide yes, he probably won't be the right choice based on the silly flirty immature games.

Username212016 · 02-07-2016 03:10AM

This was such a lovely post and I read it I such a dark sad moment.

Thank you so much for your kindness ope the mind and empathy.

Big hugs! X

jopax wrote: »

Hi op,
I just wanted to say you sound like a genuine and honest person, and you seem very understanding while others wouldn't.
I think you have reasons to question your feelings on this. Your feelings are telling you things and trying to watch out for you.
If I was in your shoes I think I would stay cool while his mum is not well.
When he does return home, I would sit down and have a straight chat about all that happened and explain your concerns and how it made you feel.
I think after that you will get your answer as to whether he is the one for you.
You are still young at 35, but if you want children don't waste these precious years you have to find a partner who would be delighted to find someone as good as you. These men are out there, you just need a bit of luck to find them.
Anyway I just wanted to wish you well for your future no matter who your with.
Be true to your dreams and you'll be happy.
Best wishes

Sunflower 27 · 02-07-2016 07:02AM

Hi OP,

Your posts are upsetting. You want so much more than this man is offering.

If my partner went AWOL for days on end, we'd be over. That is just so inconsiderate and hurtful. It sounds like he has very little respect for you or your feelings.

It's tough ending a relationship when we have invested so much and have hopes and dreams, but it sounds as this will never give you real contentment. You deserve so much more. At 35, my advice would be let him go and raise the bar for yourself. He sounds like a child.

intheclouds · 02-07-2016 08:25AM

Not his fault if you don't want to believe he is committed? Nice deflection. How about he takes responsibility for his actions showing that he is not committed?

uck51js9zml2yt · 02-07-2016 08:44AM

Op if you're saying " he may not be the right choice" as I think you're right in saying, then it's time to walk away now rather than wait for that indepth chat.

Your time, energy and emotions are better spent elsewhere.

Would you be ok with this?

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