My dad has been given weeks to live

fall · 22-06-2016 08:21PM

Hi Power Fairy, I had to post because I understand that relationship you are talking about. Your dad is to you what a mam is to a lot of others. So apart from the great advice you have received I would say spend as much time in your Dads company as you can. Reminisce with him and commit to memory all those lovely things he does and say that makes you love him so. Sit in silence and just be with him when his body fails. Let all your love out and embrace the purity of that unconditional love. My Dad is my hero and my rock. I truly feel your pain.
When it comes to your Mam I can also relate. I will play Devils advocate here. I sense that your heart is panic stricken at the thoughts at having to move home in case your mam commits suicide. Ask yourself this, if she chooses to do that can you realistically ever stop her? You can engage with the services available and give support but if you give up your life when you have already suffered a great loss I would fear for your own mental health down the line. You have to mind yourself in all of this.
Lastly here's a big virtual hug x

nikkibikki · 23-06-2016 09:27AM

Avatar MIA wrote:

Why not? Force majeure leave

Anytime I or my husband have asked for it, it has been stressed that it is for urgent issues whereby the employee's presence is explicitly needed and alternative arrangements need to be made for the following day. It's unlikely an employer will give it in this current situation, but it could be worth a try, all employers differ. It's Max 3 days though and it appears the OP needs more time than this.

OP, I agree with the poster about getting your mothers meds looked at. She may need additional support from her MH team at this difficult time.

Powerfairy · 23-06-2016 11:13AM

fall wrote: »

Hi Power Fairy, I had to post because I understand that relationship you are talking about. Your dad is to you what a mam is to a lot of others. So apart from the great advice you have received I would say spend as much time in your Dads company as you can. Reminisce with him and commit to memory all those lovely things he does and say that makes you love him so. Sit in silence and just be with him when his body fails. Let all your love out and embrace the purity of that unconditional love. My Dad is my hero and my rock. I truly feel your pain.
When it comes to your Mam I can also relate. I will play Devils advocate here. I sense that your heart is panic stricken at the thoughts at having to move home in case your mam commits suicide. Ask yourself this, if she chooses to do that can you realistically ever stop her? You can engage with the services available and give support but if you give up your life when you have already suffered a great loss I would fear for your own mental health down the line. You have to mind yourself in all of this.
Lastly here's a big virtual hug x

Hi this really is accurate, I haven't the best relationship with my mam, as she was sick a lot when I was growing up, I didn't understand what depression was, and just wanted her to be a normal mam,

My dad took on the role of mother and father, for most of my life, so I am a bit angry at the world as it shouldn't be dad sick after all he did for us. What kind of god would allow this to happen.

My brother rang me today, and advised my mam is being very difficult with him, so I am going to give her doctors a call today, and ask for advice re her medication.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and kind words.

I cant tell you how much it means to me. Thanks a million times over.

X

23-06-2016 06:59PM

I've been thinking about your situation OP since I posted yesterday.... nothing more to say really.

I hope your mums doctor can help with her medication etc. Depression is of course an illness in itself so your mum no doubt struggles with it. She must now deal with your dads illness too and perhaps has guilt issues too as to the effect her illness had on the family and your Dad.

Zena · 24-06-2016 02:08PM

Hi Powerfairy,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
I have sent you a PM.

Z

Powerfairy · 24-06-2016 03:26PM

Zena wrote: »

Hi Powerfairy,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
I have sent you a PM.

Z

I replied thanks so much x

VincePP · 24-06-2016 03:52PM

I've been throgh a bereavemnet recently but it was simply old age, but similar in ways in that it was a drawn out process.

What we did was that one member of the family took charge and was the point of contact for nurse followed by nursing home followed by hospital.

That member gave weekly (daily towards the end) email updates on both the healthy parent and the ill one. The email was factual and also looked at who was about for visiting and any other issues - using language such as "mum / dad" and even relating pleasant snippets from any conversations can suddenly get other members interested in visiting as you are targeting their emotional side without being too direct. Sometimes its fear of the unknown that prevents family members helping.

In our case it was sometimes as simple as sitting in an adjoining room doing our own thing - the fact someone is there can be very comforting to someone that is ill.

Talk to the nurse that comes to the home - he/she has seen it all before and can give great advice.

Talk to the family solicitor about power of attorney - both for your Dad and possibly your mum (I think there are different types givign different level of control)

Talk to any neighbours they know well and give them your number if they notice anything unusual - this is more to initiate conact than to expect a call.

On the depression issue, family doctor will be best to advise. Modern medical techniques can work wonders. Ask the doctor for all options including ECT treatment.

Remember thousands of people go though similar every year and the nurses, doctors, solicitors and even local clergy have massive knowledge of how to cope.

Similarly in your workplace talk to someone that may have los a parent in the recent past - usually the 50-60 age group, they tend to be more understanding and there may be options for additional work from home assignments.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2016 09:54PM

Hi Powerfairy,
My deepest sympathies to you and your family, it brings back a lot of memories for me as I went through a similar experience with my own Dad. Can I offer some small bits of advice to you based on my own experience or observations.
a) ensure there is no family tension in front of your Dad, if your Mum is losing the plot a little gently persuade her to come for a cup of tea or something.
b) don't neglect your mum, it's her husband who is passing, she will have to face the world alone without him. Even if erratic focus on her too.
c) Take care of yourself, you'll suffer some very strange emotions. At some point you may even want the whole process to hurry up because of work etc, this is natural to think this way so don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts.
d) don't be afraid of upsetting your dad. If you need to tell him how special he is to you then now is the time, it won't frighten him it'll give him strength knowing how much he's loved....don't regret not saying it (I held back and had huge regrets)
e) be prepared for that silence afterwards.....it's heartbreaking, wanting to talk to him but not being able to

My heart goes out to you, it's a terrible time, it's an invasion into a family that you want to go away but it won't until it rips your happiness apart.........as one poster said earlier, there is light on the other side of this, it takes time but you will smile again. Praying for your dear dad.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2016 12:12AM

I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly I'll last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my man especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.

Crappydays · 29-06-2016 12:14AM

I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly ill last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my mam especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.

cocker5 · 29-06-2016 10:13AM

OP im so so sorry to read your post.

I really feel for you and your family, I’ve been there my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at aged 58, she passed away 18 weeks later - it’s a horrible and a particularly cruel cancer IMO. All I can say is spend as much time with your dad as you can, look after Yousef and worry about everything else after its all over – you’ll never get this time back again XX

Just on your dad's care – we were very lucky as we were able to care for my mum at home until she passed away – just so you know OP you are entitled to 10 days of full nursing care (without charge) though the Irish cancer society – this will be arranged to palliative care but if you need it insist on it. We had it for my mum and it meant the world. The nurse were amazing and so kind – I didn’t think the same of the HSE palliative care nurse if im brutally honest.

My husband’s dad passed away at home too from cancer and didn’t have a nurse present it was very distressing for the family. So insist on the Irish cancer society nurses.

If you have any pancreatic cancer questions… just let me know – its spread to my mums liver too OP.. it really is a dreadful cancer im afraid.

Take care and try and be strong XX

Neyite · 29-06-2016 12:53PM

Mod:

Powerfairy, I've moved your post to the Terminal Illness forum as you may find more like-minded support and practical suggestions from others going through similar situations to you.

All the best.

Hollister11 · 29-06-2016 01:15PM

I'm so sorry OP.

Powerfairy · 29-06-2016 01:50PM

Crappydays wrote: »

I'm in a similar boat powerfairy, my dad became suddenly ill last year and since the cancer diagnosis the news we're getting from his doctors seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm also the youngest and finding it difficult to cope at home and in work. Supposed in to be moving to Australia in a few months after graduating college and now I'm not sure that will be possible. I can't remember a day in my life when my dad was sick until the day of his diagnosis, it's really shook my family and my mam especially. Just wanted you to know you're not alone, some day in the future we'll get through. Let's hope we can leave as much of an impression on someone as our dads have left on us.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same, my thoughts and prayers are with you, can I ask you do you find yourself unable to focus in work / college etc? I cannot get focused anymore and I am wondering is it depression,

I know what you mean about unable to remember what it was like before your dad was sick, I still have the memories of him being well but god it feels like a distant memory, I would literally do anything to go back 3 years, and tell him to go to a doctor sooner, (he got sick 2 years ago)

Thinking of you. x

Powerfairy · 29-06-2016 01:55PM

cocker5 wrote: »

OP im so so sorry to read your post.

I really feel for you and your family, I’ve been there my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at aged 58, she passed away 18 weeks later - it’s a horrible and a particularly cruel cancer IMO. All I can say is spend as much time with your dad as you can, look after Yousef and worry about everything else after its all over – you’ll never get this time back again XX

Just on your dad's care – we were very lucky as we were able to care for my mum at home until she passed away – just so you know OP you are entitled to 10 days of full nursing care (without charge) though the Irish cancer society – this will be arranged to palliative care but if you need it insist on it. We had it for my mum and it meant the world. The nurse were amazing and so kind – I didn’t think the same of the HSE palliative care nurse if im brutally honest.

My husband’s dad passed away at home too from cancer and didn’t have a nurse present it was very distressing for the family. So insist on the Irish cancer society nurses.

If you have any pancreatic cancer questions… just let me know – its spread to my mums liver too OP.. it really is a dreadful cancer im afraid.

Take care and try and be strong XX

Thank you so much for this information it means the world. Did you contact the Irish cancer society directly for these 10 days? So so sorry about your mam, so young to be taken at 58. You are right it is so distressing on the family, I dread Monday to Thursdays as I am stuck in Dublin at work but unable to work & wondering if all is ok at home,

Thanks for the message, cannot tell you how grateful I am. I am going to contact the Irish Cancer society now, I never realised these resources were available.

Conor Bourke · 29-06-2016 01:55PM

cocker5 wrote: »

OP im so so sorry to read your post.

I really feel for you and your family, I’ve been there my mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at aged 58, she passed away 18 weeks later - it’s a horrible and a particularly cruel cancer IMO. All I can say is spend as much time with your dad as you can, look after Yousef and worry about everything else after its all over – you’ll never get this time back again XX

Just on your dad's care – we were very lucky as we were able to care for my mum at home until she passed away – just so you know OP you are entitled to 10 days of full nursing care (without charge) though the Irish cancer society – this will be arranged to palliative care but if you need it insist on it. We had it for my mum and it meant the world. The nurse were amazing and so kind – I didn’t think the same of the HSE palliative care nurse if im brutally honest.

My husband’s dad passed away at home too from cancer and didn’t have a nurse present it was very distressing for the family. So insist on the Irish cancer society nurses.

If you have any pancreatic cancer questions… just let me know – its spread to my mums liver too OP.. it really is a dreadful cancer im afraid.

Take care and try and be strong XX

Just to clarify re: this point. You're entitled to 10 nights, ie 8 hour shifts. Whatever nursing care that is needed in that time will be provided but my concern re: the phrasing above is that it may give you the impression that you would have a nurse 24/7 for 10 days. Your public health nurse should be involved too though, and they can provide assistance and support with hands-on care.

I'm so sorry to read your story and I hope you're doing okay xx

EDITED TO ADD: it might be best to talk to the visiting palliative care nurse about when is best to request a night nurse, they will be experienced in identifying the appropriate time

cocker5 · 29-06-2016 02:06PM

Powerfairy wrote: »

Thank you so much for this information it means the world. Did you contact the Irish cancer society directly for these 10 days? So so sorry about your mam, so young to be taken at 58. You are right it is so distressing on the family, I dread Monday to Thursdays as I am stuck in Dublin at work but unable to work & wondering if all is ok at home,

Thanks for the message, cannot tell you how grateful I am. I am going to contact the Irish Cancer society now, I never realised these resources were available.

In our case the palliative care team made contact with the Irish cancer society on our behalf... they were amazing  the nurses came for 10 days and nights full care and I did ask what happens if we did need the care longer and the nurse said it would be catered for XX

Best of luck – be firm with the palliative care HSE nurses I didn’t find them great at all (Kildare) .. as I mentioned my husbands didn’t get any help…nor did they insist….. it was very distressing for them and his dad on the night he passed away without any support.

The only bit of advice I would give is talk to your dad – my mum was in such shock after only living for 19 weeks we never actually discussed her dying (nor did she want to).. while I was by her side 24/7 during those weeks, and I did tell her how much I loved her.. I didn’t say many other things for fear of upsetting her.. (not in a bad way) I will never get that time back, if I could go back I’d say a lot more XX

Best of Luck OP

cocker5 · 29-06-2016 02:10PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Just to clarify re: this point. You're entitled to 10 nights, ie 8 hour shifts. Whatever nursing care that is needed in that time will be provided but my concern re: the phrasing above is that it may give you the impression that you would have a nurse 24/7 for 10 days. Your public health nurse should be involved too though, and they can provide assistance and support with hands-on care.

I'm so sorry to read your story and I hope you're doing okay xx

EDITED TO ADD: it might be best to talk to the visiting palliative care nurse about when is best to request a night nurse, they will be experienced in identifying the appropriate time

we were given 24 hour care for the 10 nights... my mum was on a morphine pump, she had lost her swallow function.. so all medication (a combination of 20 tablets) HAD to be given via the pump - so nursing 24 hour nursing was required for that reason.

Plus there was only my sister and i caring for my mum (my dad had a major stroke many years ago)... so it is all dependant... and many cases justify 24 hour care.

You mentioned public health nurse - ? they called twice a week for 30 mins... useless IMO

Conor Bourke · 29-06-2016 02:18PM

cocker5 wrote: »

we were given 24 hour care for the 10 nights... my mum was on a morphine pump, she had lost her swallow function.. so all medication (a combination of 20 tablets) HAD to be given via the pump - so nursing 24 hour nursing was required for that reason.

Plus there was only my sister and i caring for my mum (my dad had a major stroke many years ago)... so it is all dependant... and many cases justify 24 hour care.

You mentioned public health nurse - ? they called twice a week for 30 mins... useless IMO

In my experience I haven't ever encountered a scenario where the ICS were in a position to provide 24/7 care, nor am I aware of them offering it as a matter of usual course. I'm not saying I don't believe you- yours must have been extenuating circumstances, I'm just advising caution to the OP against getting her hopes up for a service that in all likelihood isn't readily available.

Public Health Nurses are at the pin of their collars, just like all the other health services. Some are amazing, some aren't, some have time to give and go the extra mile, others don't. I would definitely recommend at least getting in touch with them if they're not already visiting your home OP. With any luck they'll be a good support for you all right now and not to mention in the future when your Mum will need ongoing support.

ruthy_2504 · 29-06-2016 02:27PM

Powerfairy I have just come through a set of professional accountancy exams, and they absolutely consumed my life. I cannot imagine how you could contemplate them in your current position. You need to unload some of the stress from yourself, and they are the easiest to move. The needs of your family are greatest at the moment, exams and qualifications can be dealt with in the future.

I too have an extremely close relationship with my father, and somewhat fraught one with my mother, so putting myself in your situation and trying to function with exams is not possible. Do yourself a favour and postpone them. It will be one less thing in your head, and every little bit of relief you can get will give you more time with your Dad.

Take care x

Crappydays · 29-06-2016 10:06PM

Powerfairy wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through the same, my thoughts and prayers are with you, can I ask you do you find yourself unable to focus in work / college etc? I cannot get focused anymore and I am wondering is it depression,

I know what you mean about unable to remember what it was like before your dad was sick, I still have the memories of him being well but god it feels like a distant memory, I would literally do anything to go back 3 years, and tell him to go to a doctor sooner, (he got sick 2 years ago)

Thinking of you. x

Ya for sure, I lose focus all the time. It's constantly in the back of my mind no matter what is happening in work but I think it's only natural for it to consume your mind considering how horrible it all is. Normally I'm a very sociable guy, always up for a laugh or a joke but I can't do that now without nearly having to pretend to have fun, all the worry and hurt just isolates you. But I think all these feelings are natural and it helps to talk. On the odd night out with my friends I've started to feel bad for enjoying myself, and jealous of everyone with healthy happy families. I know the reality is often different and you can't judge a book etc. but it just goes to show how much of your mind it takes up.

What you're feeling is normal though, devastating but normal. It helps to have someone to talk to and to confide with and I'm happy to hear you have someone like that. At least we still have brilliant memories to look back on, it might make it more difficult now but it's more than a lot of people get. I'll keep you, your dad and your family in my thoughts I really do wish you some sort of comfort and the very best in your exams whenever you sit them.

green n gold · 07-07-2016 07:53PM

Hi Powerfairy, apologies for my late contribution, I have not been about here lately. Many campaigned long and hard to get this forum up and running, your heartbreaking situation is justification for its existence now. I'm impressed, but not surprised by the kind & helpful replies you have received from the good folk on here. I smiled and almost shed a tear at your "poor me " thought in your 2nd post, you are a hell of a lot stronger lady than you give yourself credit for, having to deal with so much at one time. You haven't posted recently, however the situation has developed, I hope you are coping there and I'm sure many have already told you on here, but don't be afraid to rely on the good boardsies for any support or words we can offer. Take care of yourself, hugs.

Powerfairy · 11-07-2016 11:09AM

My dad passed away on Saturday night peacefully, he Is out of pain. Thank you everyone for comments and advice.

Tell me how · 11-07-2016 11:49AM

Powerfairy wrote: »

My dad passed away on Saturday night peacefully, he Is out of pain. Thank you everyone for comments and advice.

Sincere condolences Powerfairy.

I hope the happy memories far outweigh your sense of loss. I'm glad for you that he didn't suffer for too long.
Look after yourself and those close to you in the coming days and weeks.

I think this thread could stay open and it might give you some support during that time.

NIMAN · 11-07-2016 11:57AM

Powerfairy wrote: »

My dad passed away on Saturday night peacefully, he Is out of pain. Thank you everyone for comments and advice.

Sorry for your loss, I know you will still be in a state of shock for a while, but don't be afraid to cry, confide in family and friends, and seek counselling in the future if you think you need it.

You will learn to cope with your loss, but it takes a different length of time for each individual. I lost my father in circumstances I didn't think I would ever learn to live with, but now years later, everytime I think of him I smile and remember only good things as opposed to bad things and pain.

Take care of yourself.

green n gold · 11-07-2016 12:06PM

So sorry to hear that Powerfairy . As said above take care of yourself and feel free to use here for support/chat or to just vent anything that's on your mind. Time will bring peace and comfort .

molly09 · 11-07-2016 12:09PM

Powerfairy, I am so sorry for your huge loss, it must be conforting to know he was not in pain. Mind yourself and be good to yourself. Xx

Shint0 · 11-07-2016 12:28PM

Sorry for your loss, Powerfairy. Take comfort in the fact you had such a loving and close relationship, and that he will always live on through you. Take care.

jennyhayes123 · 11-07-2016 12:56PM

Powerfairy wrote:

My dad passed away on Saturday night peacefully, he Is out of pain. Thank you everyone for comments and advice.

Thinking of you and your family. Be kind to yourself x x

Antodoran136 · 11-07-2016 12:56PM

Powerfairy wrote: »

My dad passed away on Saturday night peacefully, he Is out of pain. Thank you everyone for comments and advice.

Just came across this post so sorry for your heartbreak I went through it myself with my mam last year and it is still surreal thinking about it like it's still a bad dream . It's amazing how people are so good and caring when it's all happening around you its when it gets quiet it's the hardest part keep strong for your family long road ahead but always think of what your dad would want you to be like take it easy

My dad has been given weeks to live

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