Leaving husband but on welfare and no money

Molmarshall · 11-06-2016 09:21AM #1

Is there anyone here on social welfare who has separated or who knows about whether there is a way I could leave my husband and am entitled to anything to help me get out?

Background: We lost everything in the recession, we would be bankrupt if we could afford the €800 to go through the process. Currently surviving in social welfare which my husband claims for the family. We have both always worked but he tends to deal with all the finances so I have no paperwork or contact with social welfare myself.

It's been a nightmare 8 years of stress, worry and depression and to honest, I think we've both hit rock bottom over the last three years and our relationship has become full of bitterness and anger. He sleeps downstairs in our rented house and we basically are together because of our kids and the fact neither of us have money to leave. It's got to the point now where we have nothing good to say about each other at all and it's really affecting me mentally. I go to bed at 8 every night so we don't have to tak to each other.

I think it would be best for us and our children to separate but I have nowhere to go - I have a business idea I am trying to get off the ground but it will be a few years before I can support myself.

Is there any way I can leave to help me get back on my feet. Can I claim anything to get me started. I've been with his guy my whole adult life and never done anything alone but I'm in my forties and dying inside - and the nastiness between is is unbearable to me.

Would anyone have any advice in where to start, I'm struggling to stay positive at the moment and feel trapped.

Piggystardust · 11-06-2016 01:25PM

That sounds absolutely awful and I feel for you. I was never married and don't have kids but I was engaged to an awful man last year who was slowly trying to destroy me.

None of my family or friends liked him and all warned me about me but for some reason at the time, I couldn't see it. We were living with his brother whereas my sisters live abroad so I was very incorporated into his family and felt really alone. There was so much abuse. It was awful. I've always considered myself to be a calm and decent person but with him I was horrible.

He used to wake me up by pulling back the curtains, pulling the duvet off me and dragging me out of bed by the feet. I'd get really upset and him and his brother would laugh at me. He used to call me every name under the sun, hide my make up and clothes if he knew I had a night out coming up and didn't even come collect me after I had lazer eye surgery and was out of it vulnerable on valium.

I hated him so much and in retrospect have no idea why I stayed. I guess because I was lonely. Final straw was when he came into the room one night drunk and strangled me. Once he fell asleep I packed up my stuff and legged it.

Sorry to make this about me. My point is that no matter how bad things feel, there is always a way out. I was in bits at that time. My dad had just died, I had nowhere to go and ended up living in a hotel. It was so hard. I never thought I'd get through it but I did.

That was a year ago and now I'm happier than ever. If one year ago someone had told me that I'd have a lovely apartment, be going on dates and be genuinely happy, I'd have laughed.

You need to leave. Simple as that. Do you have any family you can stay with? Go to the Social Welfare and explain the situation to them. Talk to friends. Go to your Doctor even. Make sure you eat right, don't turn to alcohol ( It was my psueude best mate for a while and made it all so much worse) and just know that you are stronger than you think.

People survive all sorts and come out the other side stronger than ever. Be one of those people. You can do this, you know why? Because you have to. Ina years time you'll look back and be so proud of yourself that you did. Where there's a will, there's a way. xxx

LegacyUser · 11-06-2016 04:05PM

Molmarshall wrote: »

Is there anyone here on social welfare who has separated or who knows about whether there is a way I could leave my husband and am entitled to anything to help me get out?

Background: We lost everything in the recession, we would be bankrupt if we could afford the €800 to go through the process. Currently surviving in social welfare which my husband claims for the family. We have both always worked but he tends to deal with all the finances so I have no paperwork or contact with social welfare myself.

It's been a nightmare 8 years of stress, worry and depression and to honest, I think we've both hit rock bottom over the last three years and our relationship has become full of bitterness and anger. He sleeps downstairs in our rented house and we basically are together because of our kids and the fact neither of us have money to leave. It's got to the point now where we have nothing good to say about each other at all and it's really affecting me mentally. I go to bed at 8 every night so we don't have to tak to each other.

I think it would be best for us and our children to separate but I have nowhere to go - I have a business idea I am trying to get off the ground but it will be a few years before I can support myself.

Is there any way I can leave to help me get back on my feet. Can I claim anything to get me started. I've been with his guy my whole adult life and never done anything alone but I'm in my forties and dying inside - and the nastiness between is is unbearable to me.

Would anyone have any advice in where to start, I'm struggling to stay positive at the moment and feel trapped.

.......hi. what a horrible situation. i think maybe citizens advice plus your local social welfare system. i too had to approach both this week as my partner walked out leaving me with nothing! Be strong

LegacyUser · 11-06-2016 05:13PM

Assuming you haven't done so already, your best option is to contact your local Citizens Advice office and make an appointment. They will be able to tell you exactly what supports are there for people in your position and in particular if you might be able to avail of financial help or advice from welfare.

While I'm not for one moment inferring that your relationship is an abusive one, as you haven't mentioned anything like that, it might also be worthwhile to contact WomensAid anyway. They will be able to give you advice on how to go about doing what you need to do, as your situation is essentially, in solely practical terms, very similar to the cases they are there to help, women trying to escape from an abusive household (since he deals with all finances etc), except that thankfully your situation is not abusive, but just toxic for both of you and your children.

Obviously you know better than anyone here how your partner will react to whatever you choose to do, so I can't make any calls on that. But chances are, if he had the opportunity to leave he would be as quick to take it as you would be, and so you need to find a way and a time where you can both sit down and talk about what's going to happen. State plainly that you need more communication and not less. Once again I'm sure your partner is a decent bloke but this is just the way your relationship has wound up and how he is dealing with it. If he sees a way out for both of you he might well be more cooperative with you.

I'm very sorry to hear that you're in this position, but I wish you the best of luck and that hopefully, even if the relationship does end completely, you and your husband can one day be on good terms again.

Good luck

uck51js9zml2yt · 11-06-2016 08:28PM

You should be able to claim payments in your own right for you and the kids. Its just a case of separating your claims.
If you separate, you should be able to get one parents payment and money for the kids. From the link you would need to be living apart. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/social_welfare_payments_to_families_and_children/one_parent_family_payment.html
You would need yours and the kids pps numbers and contact social welfare to find out what you would be entitled to. Your local Citizens Information would also be able to give you a lot of information without going to Social Welfare first. You could at least go forearmed.
The big question is, where would you live? If you're looking at Dublin, its unlikely that you'd be able to cover the cost of accommodation. Could you stay with family.
Have you and your husband considered counseling or even to go yourself ? It may help resolve the causes of conflict. Would things have been different if you hadn't been hit so badly by the recession?
Hope things work out for you.

Molmarshall · 13-06-2016 11:52AM

Thanks so much for the replies, he is not abusive but I do feel trapped. Whenever I talk about leaving, he asks how would I? And I do feel trapped - unfortunately, I just think years of stress have worn us out and whatever love was there is gone now...

I will try and make an appointment at the Citizens Advice to find out more. I'm scared of all the change. We did try counselling but it ended up being extremely painful as he did not seem to want to make any changes himself, just wanted me to stop demanding things change and we stopped going. Nothing has changed since except our relationship has got even more bitter .

Thanks for taking the time to reply x

Witchie · 20-06-2016 02:58PM

Molmarshall wrote: »

Thanks so much for the replies, he is not abusive but I do feel trapped. Whenever I talk about leaving, he asks how would I? And I do feel trapped - unfortunately, I just think years of stress have worn us out and whatever love was there is gone now...

I will try and make an appointment at the Citizens Advice to find out more. I'm scared of all the change. We did try counselling but it ended up being extremely painful as he did not seem to want to make any changes himself, just wanted me to stop demanding things change and we stopped going. Nothing has changed since except our relationship has got even more bitter .

Thanks for taking the time to reply x

Hi, am really sorry to hear you are going through this, it is a very tough time for you.

As others have said, go to Citizens Advice and they will help you to work out what you can claim.

In relation to setting up your own business, get in touch with your local employment service. They have a Back to Work Enterprise allowance which allows you to continue to claim 100% of your dole payments in the first year of setting up your business and 70% in the 2nd year. This gives you a chance to work and build your business up while ensure that you still have money to cover day to day life.

You have to do a 3 mornings/afternoon course to explore if this is the right option for you or not and you need to put a business plan together but they give you a lot of support in doing this. There are also then grants that you can get towards the costs of setting up your business.

If you are serious about setting up on your own, please explore this.

The best of luck with it all and I hope you find the happiness and success you deserve. x

Leaving husband but on welfare and no money

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