how to finish with a guy....

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 3:28pm #1

hey there

Just looking for some advice. I started seeing a guy about 2 months ago, none of my friends or family know about him because to be honest i'm embarressed. The reason is hes not the best looking bloke in the world and needs a lot of sortin out both physically and emotionally, i know my mate and family would take 1 look at him and say what the f''k.

I tried to help him e.g he gets paid on a friday so i would take his wages so he wouldnt drink it or lend it all to so called friends who he would bever get it back. I also went shopping for him cos he didnt have a clue about clothes n stuff .1 friend that does know about him thinks i could do way better. He's bringin me down ,we're different people etc i know this is true and i want to finish it because it willl never work. I want to do so much whereas he would be happy just doin the same thing over and over i feel awful about this but i dont know how to break it to him that its over.Has anyone been in a simalar situation or have any advice they could give me?

I would really like to stay friends with him and help him out but i dont think hes gonna take the news very well as the last time we had a bit of a row i walked out and he trashed his flat, fair enough he was really drunk. On friday it hit the fan when i had to cancel my plans to go to the pub and carry him home, it was only 10oclock. I'm sick of being his babysitter he promised it wouldnt happen again and low and behold saturday morning he came back to the flat at 1 oclock pissed out of his head. He said he had a fight with his boss i said i had enough and wanted a break to be honest. I should of finished it there and then but unfortunatly my conscience and the fact that i do like him got to me.

Most of the time hes lovley thats the problem hes a genuinley nice guy but drink and his appearence really get to me i was lonley when i met him so i kinda settled for second best i know thats a terrible thing to say im sorry for whining on but any advice would be really appreicated thanks for reading............

sorry, I had to edit this as my eyes have become permanently crossed from reading a massive block of text with little punctuation. I hope I didn't take away the essence - Gordon

woolymammoth · 30-04-2003 3:39pm

i won't bother going on about some of the things you said in your post!

the bottom line is he's no good for you, and frankly you're not much better for him.

Originally posted by confused
he came back to the flat at 1 oclock p/issed out of his head he said he had a fight with his boss i said i had enough and wanted a break

you've already set things in motion. it's heading that direction so just finish it. if he doesn't want to stay friends thats his choice. but you're not doing anybody any favours by sticking with him just because he's 'lovely'.

yossarin · 30-04-2003 3:40pm

not big on the advice, but i'll give it a try

:

you're being his babysiter, not his partner.
and you're only with him out of pity anyway.

Is he an alchoholic ?
bluntly, you should dump him, but carefully.
he's using you as a crutch now, and if you split he might end up using you as an excuse.

don't stay with him out of pity or fear of being alone.
do yourself a favour.

ps try to punctuate - its makes reading easier

Kell · 30-04-2003 3:48pm

How to finish with him? Easy- Sit him down and say "Look (insert name) I know you have problems that I have been helping with, but TBH I am getting nothing from this relationship except for grief and I want out. Call me if you want to".

I dont mean to be blunt, but you have only been seeing eachother for a few months and the only thing your getting is pain and grief. Be blunt, be aggressive and DONT give a fúck about how he feels as from the sounds of it he doesn't give a fúck about how you feel.

K-

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 3:57pm

thanks guys... sorry about the puncuation i went into overflow.

see for me 2 months is a very short time i wouldnt even consider love or settleing into a relationship this early. But for him its like i love you im crazy about you i dont know what i would do with out you.
he hasnt even met my friends yet i dont know how i got myslf into this situation and evn worse i dont know how to get out of it .....

Typedef · 30-04-2003 3:57pm

Arse.

Just dump the drunk.... and tell him not to let the doors hit his ass on the way out, let him know why too.

Regards
Typedef the compassionate.

Kell · 30-04-2003 4:01pm

Originally posted by confused
t i dont know how i got myslf into this situation and evn worse i dont know how to get out of it .....

Yes, yes you do know how to get out of it (see my original post). I have just come out of a three year engagement which is still as hard as nails to deal with, but at the end of the day it was causing me more pain than happiness and your own happiness is all that matters at the end of the day. If I could eventually be honest with myself to go "Fúck this for a game of soldiers, I'm offski" so can you.

Your better off dealing with it now and getting it over and done with, otherwise, if it drags on you are only lying to him and worst of all to yourself.

K-

Mercury_Tilt · 30-04-2003 4:02pm

This post has been deleted.

Kell · 30-04-2003 4:03pm

Originally posted by Typedef
Arse.

Just dump the drunk.... and tell him not to let the doors hit his ass on the way out, let him know why too.

Oh I bet you sooooo know how to schmooze the ladies with that oh so big heart of yours

Doodee · 30-04-2003 4:06pm

if you want the break up to be as clean as possible, just sit him down, some time he's not drunk or in a bad mood, explain to him that you dont have feelings for him in a relationship sort of way, and just explain that you only want to be friends.

In the end honesty is the best policy, but dont hurt his feelings. If he is mature enough he will take it ok, maybe wont be as talkative for the first week or so, but he'll come round if he knows how good a friend you are.

Best of luck.

Typedef · 30-04-2003 4:08pm

Originally posted by Kell
Oh I bet you sooooo know how to schmooze the ladies

Yes yes..... it's true.

Speaking of which... I believe you have a kraut bit of stuff ...Kell : The studmuffin

Kell · 30-04-2003 4:08pm

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
Leave a note. "Sorry.. this isn’t working out" No whys etc.

I had originally thought of a phone call or something, but Merc. That is just a tad rough. Dont know about you, but I would always split up face to face and would hope that others would reciprocate in the same way.

Thats just my sensitive soul though.

K-

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 4:10pm

thanks again for all your replies keep em comin... see unfortunatly i do have feelings probably more guilt than anything and if he cleaned up his act i would probably take things further i do want to stay friends and i will feel awful if he goes mad drinking or somethin and i have all his mates and family calling me saying ah help ah why did ya do this blah blah

Wolf · 30-04-2003 4:12pm

Try if you can to make it clear to him that one of the reasons that you have decided to dump him is that fact that he drinks too much.

With any luck this might give him the kick in the ass he needs to give up the drink.

Mercury_Tilt · 30-04-2003 4:13pm

This post has been deleted.

Typedef · 30-04-2003 4:14pm

Again

You are embarressed to be seen with this guy because he is not good looking right?

Ergo : whether he cleans up his act or not.... you don't really find him attractive and you are embarresed about being with him.... so wtf are you doing with him 'anyway'?

Kell · 30-04-2003 4:15pm

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
Dont listen to these tree hugging hippy types. Life is not an episode of Dawsons Creek.

Kell falls off his chair splitting his sides laughing. Oh to have that razor sharp wit with my good looks. LOL:D

uberwolf · 30-04-2003 4:16pm

his probs not yours, he had them before you you tried to help out and its been thrown back in your face.

shame for him but you gotta move on, Mercury_tilt is right no excuses for him to get more down on himself, less you think it could be constructive for him, but by the sounds of it prob not.
Good luck

yossarin · 30-04-2003 4:18pm

if you are having trouble dumping him, just imagine yourself in 10 years time dealing with the same crap.

Typedef · 30-04-2003 4:20pm

Dont listen to these tree hugging hippy types. Life is not an episode of Dawsons Creek.

"Oh Pacy, you're so cynical".

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 4:24pm

Originally posted by Typedef
Again

You are embarressed to be seen with this guy because he is not good looking right?

Ergo : whether he cleans up his act or not.... you don't really find him attractive and you are embarresed about being with him.... so wtf are you doing with him 'anyway'?

usually i dont care about looks but this is an exception he dosent have nice clothes his teeth are in bits and he generally looks worn at the start i didnt really notice these things but as time went on i have

the reason im with him is because my mate who know think i could do better worked in his local i got really drunk one nite and snogged him then when i was in the pub we'd meet up have a good laugh and maybe a snog that was grand until we went on a couple of dates and then it turned into this mess. everyone that knows more his mates and family keeps telling me i'm the best thing that ever happened to him blah blah lads im goin mad!

Wolf · 30-04-2003 4:31pm

Look I wasnt trying to say that you shouldnt give him up im just saying that make sure that he know that part of the reason you are chucking him is because hes a bloodly drunk. Thats all.

Mercury_Tilt · 30-04-2003 4:34pm

This post has been deleted.

yossarin · 30-04-2003 4:46pm

Merc, did you get that board devoted to your mental health that you asked for ?

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 4:47pm

sorry [-UK-]Wolf i didnt mean to come accross i really appreiate all your replies and you are all right i suppose i have to get my hjead together and sort this before it becomes a even bigger problem .....

Gordon · 30-04-2003 5:08pm

Christ, life is way too short for this malarky. Dump him. You said that you have already mentioned you may want a break. Have a break, and then see if you really want to come back.

But yea, take your precious items first - he may burn them all.

How old are you - 19?

Wolf · 30-04-2003 5:15pm

Every here of been too nice. Because thats what you are doing get yourslef someone that wont drink themselves into the ground.

Im an emotional punch bag for other people as well (but thats for another thread) and I have to admit while I take it off some people I dont take it off others sometimes you need to look after yourself just so that you can help the person in question.

Although in your case a clean break would be best. But as I have said twice now make him think to him self "If only I did drink I might not have lost this" and maybe he might think twice before hitting the sauce again. Also I used to drink a bit too much as well so I know what is likly to shock you out of it as well.

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 5:16pm

i'm 22 and he's 30 i know i know

Beruthiel · 30-04-2003 5:27pm

lol - lads you crack me up! :d

confused

there is only one thing you need to say to yourself - perhaps you haven't because you're young

life - you get one go
that's it
no second rounds

Wolf · 30-04-2003 5:29pm

Originally posted by Beruthiel
lol - lads you crack me up! :d

confused

there is only one thing you need to say to yourself - perhaps you haven't because you're young

life - you get one go
that's it
no second rounds

What good advice!

I'm going to go tell my boss what I really think of her skinny ass skanky hole tommorow. Thanks

Beruthiel · 30-04-2003 5:32pm

Originally posted by [-UK-]Wolf
What good advice!

I'm going to go tell my boss what I really think of her skinny ass skanky hole tommorow. Thanks

lol
perhaps I should have also added

'be prepared'

I hope you have another job lined up

Wolf · 30-04-2003 5:36pm

Originally posted by Beruthiel
lol
perhaps I should have also added

'be prepared'

I hope you have another job lined up

Ah dammit

Maybe ill just put gum on her chair...........

Nah too childish...... hmmmm

I know ill hack her account and put child porn on it and get her fired.

sorted

Pigman II · 30-04-2003 5:54pm

Just end it, quick and easy. You'll be doing both of you a favour. Also it doesn't really matter 'how' you do it, just that you do it.

You're making excuses as to why you want to end it (his appearance etc) but from your post I get the feeling that even if he sorted out everything thats wrong with him that you still wouldn't be happy with the relationship. So why don't you just get rid of that zero and find yourself a hero!

You sound like the kind of lady who'd enjoy a rich independent go-getter type boyfriend. One who'll pay your way through life and make it easy for you to achieve whatever it is you're looking for. World Travel? Swimming with dolphins? You don't specify :rolleyes:

So why not get cracking on your life plan and kick Mr. Dud to the kerb? In six months time you'll wonder why you even worried about how to formulise that nasty break-up of yours.

And whatever you do be sure to say 'Lets still be friends' after you break your news to the guy. Men love that part.

//

BTW, if you think I'm taking the piss then you'd probably be right. But my advice about ending it ASAP is sincere. I once went out with a less-than-attractive-female out of some kind of misguided sympathy for her and it was the worst decision of my life (one of anyway). Thought I might end up liking her for her 'personality' but that didn't last long. Wasted many months with her before
ending it ... and trust me the end was a relief for me.

So if you honestly feel embarrased to be with this guy then you're not doing him any favours by sticking with him even if you think you are. Who knows, this impending swift shock to the system might help him sort himself out and you might for once maka a positive contribution to his life?

^^ Man that last sentence was such a 'chick' way of rationalising doing something bad. I'm disgusted with myself.

lyonsy · 30-04-2003 6:07pm

I want to do so much whereas he would be happy just doin the same thing over and over i feel awful about this but i dont know how to break it to him that its over.Has anyone been in a simalar situation or have any advice they could give me?

Text Message: U R Dumped.

Q_Ball · 30-04-2003 6:26pm

U R Dumped? A mate of mine got "U R DMPD" the lazy who...

Anyway I have to say i agree with everyone. Just get it out in the open. I had to dump a girl i was going out with for a month cos i realised she was my rebound girl

I hate fecking people over like that cos it only hurts us both.

So stop hurting yourself. If he is ever to find someone they will be better for him than you ever will. Simply cos you don't really want to be there. It'd bite ya in the bud and you'd end up hating yourself and him so just don't put yourself in the situation. Personnaly i get a vibe about people the first time i meet them. Your mistake was that it was one date too many.

So in summary, and to quote nike with my úber l337 quoting skill :ninja: :

Just do it

Evil Phil · 30-04-2003 6:47pm

Dump him, he's probably using you as a crutch for his drinking. And stop worring about him - his tears are just a way of manipulating you.

You could even get a friend to do it; I know that sounds harsh but these are not normal circumstances.

In the words of the great Homer "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

<additional>
If fact, he's only 22. In a few years time he'll probably have sorted himself out and this will be nothing more than an embarrasing memory he pretends he doesn't have.
</additional>

LegacyUser · 30-04-2003 7:08pm

''I once went out with a less-than-attractive-female out of some kind of misguided sympathy for her and it was the worst decision of my life (one of anyway). Thought I might end up liking her for her 'personality' but that didn't last long. ''

This is exactly how it is ...

the last thing i care about is money and beleive me im not into travellin! but just common interests apart from beer and vodka i mean im 22 hes 30 and i feel like a babysitter i dont think anyone should hve to feel like that:(

Mercury_Tilt · 30-04-2003 7:09pm

This post has been deleted.

Wolf · 30-04-2003 7:14pm

^^ Hmm that right change your problem for a whole new funkier and funner ones

thedrowner · 30-04-2003 7:23pm

yes i was in a very simialr situation before but like you said he's brinign you down and you don't need that. i did however actually care about the guy in question, and i was terrified of ending thigns with him because of stuff i wont go into right now. but i got to the point where if i didnt end it with him, i feared for my mental health. so i ended it. did us both a favour. if he sinks into a hole after you leave him, that's his choice and it had absolutely nothing to for with you, you just happened to be around at the time.

Typedef · 30-04-2003 10:27pm

Originally posted by confused
''I once went out with a less-than-attractive-female out of some kind of misguided sympathy for her and it was the worst decision of my life (one of anyway). Thought I might end up liking her for her 'personality' but that didn't last long. ''

This is exactly how it is ...

Hello.

You seem to be suffering from a severe case of emotional blackmail.

Would you like to
a. Stand up for yourself
b. Come and do my dishes....since hey baby... I'm feeling .... the need to have my dishes done..... you know.... if you were a decent person ... you'd do my dishes... you don't want to hurt me now do you... I mean come on.... if you don't live your life life for my benefit... then who's benefit you gonna live it for... your own?

selfish, selfish...

aside : when you're done doing the dishes... you can start in on hand washing my delicate clothing....

Silent Bob · 30-04-2003 11:25pm

Originally posted by Typedef
Dont listen to these tree hugging hippy types. Life is not an episode of Dawsons Creek.

"Oh Pacy, you're so cynical".

"Cynical"? And waste a perfect opportunity to use the word "disingenuous"!?!?

Admit it, you've never seen Dawson's Creek, have you

Typedef · 30-04-2003 11:41pm

seen what now?

/righteously indignant.

johnnynolegs · 01-05-2003 10:34am

Actual quote from dawson creek:

"Im sick of your pseudo psyatic diatribe" -said when 15.........YEAH RIGHT

anyway just leave him and don't call for a while and let him get the hint simple

LegacyUser · 01-05-2003 3:06pm

thanks for all your advice i think im gonna have a chat with him and tell him its not working / fair on him/lets be friends see how that goes!

cheer's again

YoungNastyMan · 02-05-2003 10:44am

Just tell him the alcohol is affecting his performance in bed.
That should calm down the drinking.

To be honest, he sounds kinda violent and out of control, be careful how you handle dumping him.

You could use my tactic, act like a complete ass, untill (about a week or so) they find you completely unbareable, and they end up dumping you

yossarin · 02-05-2003 10:52am

Originally posted by YoungNastyMan You could use my tactic, act like a complete ass, untill (about a week or so) they find you completely unbareable, and they end up dumping you [/B]

I'm not sure that works for boys - he might be chuffed that she's acting more like him and like her even moe

Capt'n Midnight · 04-05-2003 1:30am

I've probably misread the situation but it almost sounds like you could be on the receiving end of ..

Treat 'em Mean & Keep 'em Keen!
Fucck Buddies.......

Judging by his age and your discription of him it sounds like this could be his last chance of finding someone like you (young, tolerant, forgiving etc.) ... and he ain't excactly meeting you half way on the building a relationship theme.

If you kept going on there is also a chance he would start to resent you trying to control parts of his life even though he might like the attention at first. It's been only two months so far so even if he changed you'd have to stick around for months before you could be sure he had changed permenant and not just temporarily. Also if everyone says he is much better now - what is he normally like.. (and is there anything they are not telling you ?)

If it is face to face better to tell him on neutral ground - and make sure you get all your stuff and hand back his so there are no excuses to meet up -otherwise get the his mate to pick it up.

And that old "still be friends" routine - make it clear that you won't be visiting his place ever. Or meeting him anywhere or even going for a coffee unless other friends are there too.. Otherwise despite the fact that you've only known him two months he might still think he is a categorised as an old/trustedfriend - or think it is only a temporary rift.

Yeah that guilt thing is Irish.. but he has made lifestyle choices you don't like..

"Women spend twenty years trying to change a man, and then wonder why he isn't the man they married" - Elizabeth taylor

Again - if you can't do it face to face then you could get the mate to do it perhaps.. but don't go to his place - he'd have too much "power" there.

PS. you're not a twin by any chance

Caesar_Bojangle · 05-05-2003 7:35pm

I say go with Mercs suggestion, it's probably the fairest for a situation like this. Cleary he is emotionally messed up, so by sitting down and giving the whys, you'll f#ck up completely.

I'm known for my unorthodox ways of dumping my ex's, amongst my friends as i've never dumped a girl to her face. Its just too damn hard and to be brutally honest time consuming, as you have to go through all the emotional crap afterwards like phone calls out of the blue asking why.

Actually i dumped one girl face to face and thats what spawned my maverick ways of dumping.

sceptre · 05-05-2003 10:45pm

Completely off-topic, but I'm interested to hear some of Caesar's unorthodox ways of dumping people

("unorthodox" brings to mind dumping by fax, a special announcement at a football match, hiring a barber-shop quartet to sing "Baby you're dumped", unfurling a series of flags from Tower Bridge reading "go away you dumbass")

I'd really like to know (it might be funny if nothing else)

Nevyn · 06-05-2003 7:19pm

get him a pressie , for that moment when you intent to tell him.
Give him teh git something tought full that he will need when ur not htere to sort out stuff for him. Place in cute box with a big bow and when he asks what it is tell him it is a going away gift ,
and when he say What i am not going anywhere you reply Yes you are ur going out of my life , for good/ for now/ for as long as it takes for you to get ur act together.

how to finish with a guy....

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