Spicing up your sex life-

Kell · 04-02-2003 3:55pm #1

Anyone any pointers?

I have been with my GF for four years and while the sex is still good, it is bordering on repetitive (you know in, out, in, out........).
It wasn't always like this i.e. in the early days I had the bowl of strawberries and cream at hand, tying up thingies, champagne on the belly button, massage oil etc on the go but it has never been reciprocated i.e. I was always the one trying something new and nearly always initiated sex.

The snag is now that after so long of things not being reciprocated, I cant be arsed to try anything new, hence the mundaneness. She's not exactly the adventurous type you see i.e. straight missionary or her on top is about it, whereas I am of the ilk thats up for anything (barring anal penetration).

We have talked about this in the past, which either results in a) her getting very upset that I am blaming everything on her or b) a change in the bed weather for about a week, then back to square one.

Anyone been in this sort of situation before and what happened? What did you do? Theres no question of loving her or not loving her, but this issue can sometimes be depressing to the point of putting me off sex. Hate to use examples but, me and my ex 4-5 times a week and normally 2/3 shags a go. At present, maybe three a week and only one at a time.

Cheers y'all.

hussey · 04-02-2003 4:18pm

2 words : 3 Some

KdjaCL · 04-02-2003 4:24pm

talking about it in a nice manner (during those crap sky tv shows on sunday nights)
may work i wouldnt know im in same situation and nothing works

damn women

kdjac

The Saint · 04-02-2003 4:27pm

I feel your pain. I too (as you may have seen in my other post) now have a pretty mundane sex life (thats not really part of my problem though). I used to always initiate sex but then I just got sick of doing it. She never initiates sex and now when we do have sex after she always complains that we don't have sex as frequently as we should. I have lost nearly all interest in sex and find myself reading or just going to sleep. But thats not erally my problem. As for you, well, I dunno, buy lots of porno vids and watch them together and try it out. Have sex in different places, kitchen table, stairs (although not very comfortable) ect. Even when you're having sex just throw her into the position you want her in and carry on, thets what I have done and without any complaints. Probobly not very helpful but there you go.

Kell · 04-02-2003 5:03pm

Hummm- she really doesnt do porn, period. I think it's initiating the sex and absence of foreplay is the problem. Christ, that sounded like something a woman would say.

The Saint · 04-02-2003 5:09pm

If its lack of foreplay that your own fault. You need to get your hands dirty so to speak. Give her some tongue love and she'll be begging for you to jump the guts off her.

Victor · 04-02-2003 5:20pm

Does she feel uncomfortable / guilty with asking for sex? Does she have difficulty talking about it? Does she enjoy sex? Are you making sure she is pleasured first? Have you treid breaking down barriers?

Oh, yeah, have you tried toys?

WhiteWashMan · 04-02-2003 5:23pm

sit her down and just talk to her about it.

you never know, after a while you might just start telling each other strange stuff, get really horny and do it there on the table, in the middle of that nice resteraunt!

PHOAR!

davej · 04-02-2003 5:36pm

Do you think she'd be persuaded to do some role playing?

Nothing too heavy, why not try the old "pretend we don't know each other" game ? Arrange to meet her in a pub or whatever and arrive seperately, then just start chatting her up. As much as possible try to keep up the pretence of not knowing each other, that way you might be able to re-kindle some of that old magic..and suggest things to her that you wouldn't normally suggest etc etc..

davej

PS: Alcohol might help loosen inhibitions when role-playing

The Corinthian · 04-02-2003 8:05pm

It’s not an uncommon motif, where one partner either has a low sex drive or is fairly repressed sexually, when compared with the other. At the beginning you put all the effort in. It wasn’t reciprocated, and so you began to just go through the motions. Needless to say, she notices this feels less attractive and thus has less sex drive. Repeat from step two until break-up.

The fact that she is not even terribly open to broaching the subject would lead me to consider that it’s a case of sexual repression, whereby she will be willing to let you initiate something new and (unless very drunk) will never do so herself. Let me guess:

You: So what would you like to try?
Her: I don’t know.
You: How about [Insert Kinky Practice Here], you liked that, didn’t you?
Her: Err...
You: You didn’t like it? You seemed to, you almost woke the neighbours with your screams...
Her: [Blushes Then Changes Subject]

Many women go through years of deprogramming after (more often than not) convent school and Christ knows what other more sinister sh1t has given them complexes about sex. Some lose their hang-ups quickly enough, others never do.

So, at best it’s going to be a long uphill struggle to encourage her to become more sexually adventurous, or more correctly more at ease with her sexuality. And you’re going to have to encourage her all they way. She won’t be initiating anything for a very long time indeed.

So other than the patience, I hope you love her enough to do so, and that she loves you enough that when she is finally more open, she doesn’t decide that she’s been tied to you too long and should go forth and experiment...

Turner · 04-02-2003 8:13pm

Suggest having sex in public places, that will get her adrenalin going. The risk of getting caught and all that.

Gordon · 04-02-2003 8:16pm

A mate of mine and his GF have a similar thing. They go to sex therapy, I will try and find out the exactness of how to go about it. what I do know is that it is free, provided by the state.

Victor · 04-02-2003 8:25pm

Originally posted by The Corinthian
Many women go through years of deprogramming after (more often than not) convent school and Christ knows what other more sinister sh1t has given them complexes about sex. Some lose their hang-ups quickly enough, others never do.

Ah, I thought you described yourself as "The Programmer" not a "deprogrammer"

.

Originally posted by Chief---
Suggest having sex in public places, that will get her adrenalin going. The risk of getting caught and all that.

The risk of paying a €1,000 fine also

daveirl · 04-02-2003 8:47pm

This post has been deleted.

DriftingRain · 05-02-2003 5:23am

Suggest having sex in public places, that will get her adrenalin going. The risk of getting caught and all that.

This really helped my current bf and me. Take a little drive at night.....let her get in your lap...and just try not to wreck...It is pure thrill! I love it!

Are you making sure she is pleasured first? Have you tried breaking down barriers?

I agree with Victor...Toys work wonders on foreplay...If she were pleasured first with the help of toys she is gonna be all over you and ready for more.....:p

Kell · 05-02-2003 10:59am

Saint: I never said I dont provide foreplay. It's the other way around. Theres nothing more that I enjoy that a good bit of old muff diving.

Victor: Yes she enjoys sex, yes she has an reasonable angst about discussing it, and as regards pleasuring, see comment above. Also, in four years she has failed to orgasm about 6 times. It's one thing I make damn sure of.

WWM: Tried it.

Davej: Never tried the "Just met you in a pub" scenario. Alchohal to loosen inhibitions is something I want to get away from. I dont want the best sex of my life when I am twatted or stoned. I'd rather that sober thanks.

Corinthian: There was no nuns at her school. She's non national. How much patience? Remember it's been four years.

Chief: Done it. You've missed the point though. I have suggested all these kinks not the other way round. This is the point I want to achieve where she turns around and says: "See that tree? Lets go up there and shag".

Gordon: Sex therapy? Hummmnnnn.

Drifting rain: Toys are a no. Been suggested and been shot down.

Bottom line: My GF is not sexually adventurous. She is happy with sex irrelevant of position, place, time, indoors or outdoors and this has been stated to me. These are her words. She doesnt prefer one thing over an other so whatamigonnado? If it was a case of her expressing favour for something particular, this wouldent be a problem. In fact, I know exactly what she likes most. Cuddles.

What you all seem to have missed, and no disrespect to any of you, is that I have tried all of what you have suggested. I have been promiscuous for as long as I can remember, tried a lot of things with a lot of people, got caught in the Phoenix park by the cops (no €1000 fine though) etc etc. You get the picture. I have tried all the avenues suggested but to no avail. Some new thinking maybe or am I just wasting my time?

Another thing I forgot to ask at the beginning is, is it wise to continue on if nothing changes when there is a little nag at the back of my head saying "Your not happy with your sex life".

The Saint · 05-02-2003 11:09am

Get your gf to take lap dancing and massage lessons.

The Corinthian · 05-02-2003 11:28am

Originally posted by Kell
Theres nothing more that I enjoy that a good bit of old muff diving

Indeed, where else can you get a full meal and floss at the same time

Corinthian: There was no nuns at her school. She's non national. How much patience? Remember it's been four years.

As I said, either she has a much lower sex drive than you or there’s something there that’s repressing her sexually (religious indoctrination, childhood abuse or rape, insecurity with physical appearance, etc). Given that she seemed unhappy to discuss the matter, I took a stab in the dark and took the latter to be a strong possibility. Working it out between the two of you has obviously failed, so I suspect, as has been suggested, counselling may your best option.

On the other hand, if it’s a simple case of her sex drive being lower than yours, then might I suggest that she takes a Viagra, and see what happens...

As for how much patience, I can’t answer that. I don’t love the girl; you do - At least I’m taking another a stab in the dark and assuming you do. As such, it’s up to you to decide.

Another thing I forgot to ask at the beginning is, is it wise to continue on if nothing changes when there is a little nag at the back of my head saying "Your not happy with your sex life".

This is obviously a major issue to you and sooner or later you will stray to get your jollies elsewhere and/or take it out on her as you begin to resent her for wasting your sexual youth.

You may have to be cold-blooded on this one, Kell.

Personally, I’d move on; but then again, I’m a rapidly aging womaniser who’s never had a particularly long term relationship in his life and probably never will...

BuffyBot · 05-02-2003 11:38am

Originally posted by Kell
Another thing I forgot to ask at the beginning is, is it wise to continue on if nothing changes when there is a little nag at the back of my head saying "Your not happy with your sex life".

I think by asking the question on here, you probably know the answer, but probably haven't or will not think it through.

Only you can know how important an adventurous and satisfying sex life is to you in the greater scheme of your relationship. For some it is one of the most important thing, others would find that there are other good things in the partnership which compensate for the unsatisfactory sexlife.

You need to ask yourself, can you cope with this as an ongoing thing, because to be honest, I cannot see her changing anytime soon - she knows what she wants, and unfortunately for you that is straightforward sex. If the answer is yes, well and good. Your relationship continues. If the answer is no, then you need to think about things deeply - if this is something you need, and she cannot give you, you need to consider whether you can have a good and healthy relationship with this gap between you.

Kell · 05-02-2003 12:12pm

Hummmmnnn. Corinthian, yes I do love her and we do have a very fulfilling relationship outside of the sex issue. Maybe I am just looking for the icing on the cake. While it's not an essential bit of icing, it's an important bit of icing. It's like the sides of the Christmas cake is fine as it is, but the top isnt iced and it just doesn't seem right. Not a bad suggestion on the Viagra though. Never thought about that one, but then, again like the alchohal to reduce inhibitions, I'd rather not use aids to increase sex drive.

I like the way you point out that I will stray to get the jollies elsewhere as it's been crossing my mind of late, but the last thing I want is for me to resent her wasting my sexual nearly thirties.

I think me needs a crystal ball for this one. Mystic Mog where are though?

Typedef · 05-02-2003 12:24pm

Anyone any pointers?

Pointers.. I dunno ... hard to say.

Try doing it in different positions then normal... adventerous stuff <maybe>.

straight missionary or her on top is about it

I'm not trying to make a porn thread... but how about.

You sit on a chair.... and she straddles you with her back to you... then you reach around.

or

Against a wall.

or

In the shower

or

she sticks her legs on your shoulders

or

she wraps her legs around your waist and then you lift her pelvis slightly

or

have you heard of the coital alignment technique?

or

both of you lie on your sides

or

just oral from both sides?

hmmm

Perhaps the best thing to do ... would be to just talk it over with her.... delicately....

Samba · 05-02-2003 12:39pm

Corinthian has made some very good points here, but what he is suggesting may not necessarily be the reason for her lack of willingness to experiment one can only speculate.

I have been with many women like this and 99% of them were Irish, nothing against Irish women and Sex, because I have been with some very interesting women Here and have had great sex!

This is somthing I have heard from alot of people all over the world...

O.k so her mind is fairly closed off to experimenting, you have to ask yourself why?

What preconceptions does she have about sex? does she feel that anything other than "normal straight Sex" is abnormal? perhaps she is simply very embarrased about sex? that is a tough one because you will have to guide her and help her overcome these feelings and thoughts.

My best bit of advice is to go buy a lovers guide to sex on DVD/Video (its not porn, explain that to her) and sit down and watch it together.....Hopefully she might open her eyes a bit more by the end of it and if all ends well, a New era of sex will begin for you!

How could I have forgotten this!

Explain to her, that you only live once and that life is too short to be (Im reluctant to use this word) lets say Boring in bed, but cetainly DO NOT use that word with her!

You have to take advantage of what time you have and consider all options available to you.

If you are unhappy after four years, think of the possibility of 10 then 20 years down the line.

Best of luck.

Samba

hedgetrimmer · 05-02-2003 1:24pm

I wonder is the issue one of setting time aside. You should set aside a Sunday for nothing but sex and sex-play and see what you learn about waht ye want from each other. It doesn;t have to be a bang-a-thon, just a day where you stay in bed, and have fun. It works for me and my g/f really well...we do it whenever we feel it's flagging. (6 yrs, on and off, but very much ON now)

Kell · 05-02-2003 1:41pm

Tried all of that Typie thanx. I have tried everyones suggestions in the past, barring therapy and the lovers guide. Another snag with say the Guide approach, is that she is quite girly when it comes to discussing the issue of sex i.e. giggles and gets shy or hates me and cries. You should have seen the arguments that raged over returning oral sex. OK theres a history there in that particular act but after being over it and over it and over it 100's of times (oral sex that is) it just doesnt materialise and when I say anything, I am a bol*ox.

I am beginning to think that I am past the point of even trying as I have tried and tried and tried and one can only take so much failure.

Kell · 05-02-2003 1:44pm

I like the fact that I have been promoted to insane poster status. Crazy wasnt quite apt enough to describe me.

Sorry, just thought that I would point that out.

Tazz T · 05-02-2003 1:49pm

It just sounds like you place different levels of importance of the relevance of sex in your life together. Having a a varied and fulfilling sex life is more important to you than to her.

I actually ended up splitting up with a girl I went out iwth for 7 years because of the difference in our attitudes to sex. Gradually you have to say to yourself that you don't want sex to be like this for the rest of your life. It bugs me when ppl say that there's more to a relationship than sex. But, if it's not right, it evertually takes it toll. However my situation was a lot more extreme than yours - you're still having sex several times a week; we were down to maybe twice a month - she simply wouldn't talk about it. There was nothing else I could do. More than two years on, I'm glad I made the break, I'm having the best sex of my life, but I have other problems in other areas instead.

I'm not saying you split up with her. I'm just saying 'weigh up the pros and cons' - maybe it ain't that bad.

Kell · 05-02-2003 2:04pm

A different approach to see what your opinions on this one are. Would anyone recommend a temporary break say for a month? My thinking there is that maybe absence will make me realise the importance of what I have, or does a break and any misdemeanours on that break bring a fresh bag of problems to the fore?

Mupp3t · 05-02-2003 2:07pm

What happened to my suggestion?

Typedef · 05-02-2003 2:14pm

Lots of girlies are repressed like this in that oral sex... or any kind of sex that is not missionary style followed by a trip to the local priest to confess sins, is a no no.

Ok, so the religous aspect may not be the reasoning behind such tameness, but, it cheeses me off (I can't speak for others) when a girl is quite prepaired to let you perform oral, but, is unprepaired to do the same.

Quid pro quo Agent Starling.
Quid pro quo.

Typedef · 05-02-2003 2:22pm

Of course I'm one to talk, I haven't been in a serious relationship for coming up on three years and that one was only about ten months long.

Before that the gap was another three years and I was with that girl for two years.

Sometimes I really do envy people who have some sort of relevant other, despite the faults of another person or the unfullfilled feeling you might get sometimes, for me at any rate, it'd beat the pants off of being alone.

I seem to see alot of foreign girls for some reason.

I was just in a situation with a French one last night, who had been through a bad break up and get this 'refuses' to go out with me, in case she falls in love with me. What a load of crap.

<Insert two one night stands with Irish women>

The girlfriend before that... French too (I'm sensing a pattern)... and was for all intents and purposes married.

Before that Russian. This chick wanted to come back and live with me (oh and get her a work visa.........).

Before that German and yes she loved me, but, for me, it wasn't meant to be.

The list goes on.
How depressing.

Samba · 05-02-2003 2:31pm

From your words I gather that she is Sexually immature in a big way and she is making to big a deal out of "Sex".

Out of curiousity, what background are her parents from?

oh and althought you probably dont want to here this.

Anyone any pointers?

Check the For Sale Board

Kell · 05-02-2003 2:43pm

Background is farming community. Typie, she's not affected religiously. She's an athiest. So what about the temporary break thing then?

Typie- stay away from the French ones. I had one of those too and nearly needed to have surgery to remove her from my life. Germans I always found too violent in bed, but then, whatever flicks your switch. Italians. Now we're talkin.

Typedef · 05-02-2003 3:02pm

Originally posted by Kell
Typie, she's not affected religiously. She's an athiest. So what about the temporary break thing then?

I don't think so. Breaking up can be great for the first month or so, but, then what?

Do you live alone? It could get very lonesome for you. Besides after four years, I think you should at least ask this girlie why it is, she feels so averse to something a little more adventerous then missionary style.

Or better yet. Orchestrate a situation where the two of you can for example, have sex in the living room.... even if the bedroom is available.

Make a fire for example (if you have one), or take her away to Galway for the weekend or Spain if you can afford it.

I wouldn't break up with a girl 'just' because you think the sex has become a little routine, no, not by a long shot. (no pun)
ha

Samba · 05-02-2003 3:03pm

Gimme on of Each

No but seriously the farming background I think has alot to do with it, even tho she is not from a Religious background, Sex may well have been shunned upon.

As for the temp break, could work to your advantage in many ways such as......you find someone else during this break up or it makes you realise what you say.

BUT

try to look at things from her perspective, you want a break, what conclusions will she draw from this, probably a million.

I dont want to say yes or no or advise anything because its not my place to say!

p.s Americans are the best for no strings attatched! and provide the best Oral sex!

koneko · 05-02-2003 3:05pm

Take her away on a romantic break somewhere. A dirty weekend away could do miracles. Even if it is just down the country.

If that doesn't work, you might want to have a sit down and have a serious talk. You sound like you're unhappy in the situation and if it goes on, things will probably end anyway.

The Corinthian · 05-02-2003 3:09pm

Originally posted by Kell
Italians. Now we're talkin.

Italian women are evil.

No, really.

Typedef · 05-02-2003 3:21pm

Originally posted by The Corinthian
Italian women are evil.

Not like the men... pure of spirit and all that Corinthie

laugh.

The Corinthian · 05-02-2003 3:23pm

Originally posted by Kell
OK theres a history there in that particular act but after being over it and over it and over it 100's of times (oral sex that is) it just doesnt materialise and when I say anything, I am a bol*ox.

All right, there’s certainly a psychological issue there, what that is though we can only speculate at, beyond which it should be left to a professional.

I am beginning to think that I am past the point of even trying as I have tried and tried and tried and one can only take so much failure.

You’ve decided. Are you frustrated/unhappy in the relationship? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?

I mean; if you even hesitate to answer yes to those two questions, then we both know what the story is.

Actually, I’m presently in a similar situation, so this discussion is of interest.

Kell · 05-02-2003 3:43pm

Originally posted by koneko
Take her away on a romantic break somewhere.

If that doesn't work, you might want to have a sit down and have a serious talk.

All tried. You see the background to this is that I am unhappy that she wont take the initiative, plain and simple. We've had the discussions and I have tried all of what has been suggested and at the end of the day I just want her to get off her arse and take some fúcking initiative.

Corinth- nail on the head, yes it is a physchological issue but she wont see a professional about it and I dont cut the mustard in the physchology department. The way I look at it is, I am too close to the problem, I actually form the problem and can therefore be of no assistance. To answer your question- yes I am frustrated and whether I spend my life with her or not is dependant on the resolution to the frustration. Your a bastard for making me think this bloody hard. (no offense)

In case any of you are wondering, no I dont see sex as the b all and end all of the relationship, but I do think that it is sufficiently important if it is going to cause resentment at a later stage in the relationship. I dont want to sow my oats elsewhere, I would rather at home on familiar turf, it's just that this bog is getting a bit barren.

Dr_Teeth · 05-02-2003 5:17pm

Just point her at this thread and have done with it!

Teeth.

Samba · 05-02-2003 6:50pm

All right, there’s certainly a psychological issue there, what that is though we can only speculate at, beyond which it should be left to a professional.

I agree, But had it ever occured to you that she has a phobia about penis's, you'd be surprised how many girls do!

The Corinthian · 05-02-2003 7:11pm

Originally posted by Samba
I agree, But had it ever occured to you that she has a phobia about penis's, you'd be surprised how many girls do!

I thought that was just a size thing... :rolleyes:

Samba · 05-02-2003 7:13pm

Heh,

nah but there is a actually a *phobia term for it, to lazy to trawl throgh google spam

Its got nothing to with Size, just a phobia of the organ in general.

Victor · 05-02-2003 8:43pm

Originally posted by Kell
Would anyone recommend a temporary break say for a month?

Are you saying a break from sex or a break from the relationship? Kell, how important is the sex in the overall relationship. If it is only part, are you willing to throw away the rest? Not sure if it's worth ending a relationship for.

And if you are having sex on a regular basis, it's more than a lot of people get.

(All the laydees can PM me if they want

)

hedgetrimmer · 06-02-2003 9:11am

Not wishing to sound judgemental, just something you might consider, Kell.

The fact that you are entertaining a break may suggest that there is something else in the relationship with which you are not happy.

It took me and my g/f a lot of on and offs to be happy, but I recognise that when there were issues, I focussed it on something else, like sex life, or any number of things.

Just something to think about, perhaps

Kell · 06-02-2003 9:14am

Vic- as pointed out earlier the sex is an important enough factor to merit considering the entire relationship, and yes it would be a break from the entire relationship. In relation to the frequency of the sex, thats neither here nor there as I am gradually just losing interest. The last thing I want to do is resent her for having a crap sex life. Take the shopping in Dunnes analogy. OK, you can do it as often as you like and you might get some good deals, but at the end of the day you've bought shíte. No item you'll ever buy in dunnes will do anything for you. People, before you go off into "Cant believe you equated her with something you would buy in Dunnes" I am not. I am equating the sex to something you would buy in Dunnes.

Samba- she doesnt have a phobia.

Extraneous to sex, she has massive insecurity issues. Take last night. She's away this weekend so on Tuesday night myself and a few mates decide to head away for the weekend as well. I am meeting up with two good "girl" friends while away. Both of the girls are lesbians, which still doesnt stop my GF having a huge paranoia attack and waking me up to have an argument with me. She has no friends in Ireland other than mine, and when I go out with them minus her, she assumes that I would prefer to be with them and not her rather than thinking "He's off out with his mates instead of spending 75% of his time with me. Thats nice. I am glad he gets out of the house". Added to that, she doesnt talk over her problems with any friends, not even her fúcking family. I get everything, even if I am the problem, so you wind up with a case of her single minded opinion vs my opinion which has probably been discussed with some friends, possibly a family member in order to make sure that I am not making an arse of meself.

I dont know. Theres a path that I dont want to go down but it's getting more obvious by the day where that path leads.

Kell · 06-02-2003 9:27am

Originally posted by hedgetrimmer
The fact that you are entertaining a break may suggest that there is something else in the relationship with which you are not happy.

Not judgemental at all Trimmer. The whole point of being here is to bring other peoples point of view to the fore so I can think outside my own box.

There are a few things besides my GF going on in my life at the mo which has led me to perhaps devote less attention to her that I normally would. Theres the whole issue of being really, really unhappy with work, being offered a job and then discovering that the offer salary was way off the mark and now stuck in a rut. I have explained this to her, and it's not the first time it's happened in relation to work, but it not a case of "I am in a bad mood. Think I'll dump the GF".

Things that dont change and are always the same in the relationship:

1) the sex is always OK to medium
2) she is massively insecure
3) there are issues that need to be dealt with professionally that would help with 2 but she wont do anything about it
4) she has no other emotional vent other than me
5) in the course of an argument one day, she admitted that she hates me going out at all, ever, and not spending all of my time with her. All along she had claimed it was fine that I went and did as I pleased when in fact she had been lying to me for three years. OK a small one, but a three year lie.

The issues above never change, so to answer your question Trimmer, yes I have picked one issue with which to focus on as it is a very pertinent issue at the moment. 2,3,4 & 5 are the seasonals that crop up at different points of the year.

The Corinthian · 06-02-2003 10:59am

At this stage we’re moving on from the whole sex thing, and the problem appears to be far more fundamental:

Originally posted by Kell
5) in the course of an argument one day, she admitted that she hates me going out at all, ever, and not spending all of my time with her. All along she had claimed it was fine that I went and did as I pleased when in fact she had been lying to me for three years. OK a small one, but a three year lie.

Insecure. Narcissistic. Egocentric. Everything that you may or may not do must be related to her: You’re in a bad mood, ergo because of her. You talk to another woman, ergo you don’t find her attractive anymore.

When someone is that dependant on us, it can be kind of flattering at first, but it is heavily dependant upon the dominant party having no issues of it’s own. When that does occur, then it begins to get messy as the dominant party cannot rely upon the submissive party for emotional support in return as it is more concerned with it’s own problems.

BTW, the terms dominant and submissive should not be taken too literally as the latter is more often than not highly focused and manipulative with regard to fulfilling their own needs - albeit in a passive-aggressive manner. Let’s face it, if a relationship becomes obsessed with one party pandering to the emotional needs of the other, which is the truly dominant?

Once again, I’m no therapist, and can only judge from personal experience and your own side of the story, but it does look pretty much like this is what’s going on, and while the sex side of things might have been the original complaint, it appears to have only been the tin-opener to the proverbial can of worms. But again, that’s only my opinion, and I’d hardly think it in any way definitive.

I’m sorry Kell, but you’re going out with a class-A1 bunny-boiler. Stay with her and you will be propping her up emotionally indefinitely. To be honest though, I think you’re already figured that out and know what must be done.

Kell · 06-02-2003 11:17am

Originally posted by The Corinthian
I’m sorry Kell, but you’re going out with a class-A1 bunny-boiler. Stay with her and you will be propping her up emotionally indefinitely.

TBH, I think thats a little harsh, as obviously I know my GF better than you guys and you do have a one sided point of view. I cant for the life of me picture her as manipulative at all. I really dont think this is case. I think the case is that I am mentally far stronger and more independant than she is, but I take the brunt of everything that goes on in her life as she has no one else to relate to. She doesnt even have work colleagues to go out with etc.

Some time ago, we decided to change jobs, earn more money, buy the house, get married. I got the job offer, but as I said cant take so in a rut. She self admittedly is in a rut workwise, went for some interviews and then decided that she going to stay where she is and have people walk on her on a daily basis as it's "familiar/safe".

Besides sex and our relationship, I really really want her to get on with her life and do stuff to make her own life more fulfilling as I think that this can only positively impact the relationship. But how can I get her to do this bar a full frontal? Basically, what has become apparant to me is that I would rather she change her approach to life, which I dont think is going to happen.

If she does and decides that she rather be with someone else, hallelujiah. At least she's decided it for herself and not taken her lead from me.

Kell · 06-02-2003 11:20am

Originally posted by The Corinthian
To be honest though, I think you’re already figured that out and know what must be done.

In return, have you discovered a route yourself my comrade in arms?

LegacyUser · 06-02-2003 11:22am

Kell,

I'm a regular poster here but wanted to post this unregistered.

" 3) there are issues that need to be dealt with professionally that would help with 2 but she wont do anything about it"

My GF too has emotional issues that need to be sorted out professionally. Her father was an alcholic and as a result of her enviroment growing she too has some "issues". Most of which reflect on me... such as she has a HUGE issue about other women. I went through a few years of "I'm looking at every women who passes" even down to adds on the fvucking TV. Were at a place now (after 5 years) where we are both happy and most issues has resloved themselves (however some remain).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your situation is not easy. I have been there. Whilst Corinthian's advice is true it is up to you to make the decision. I stuck with it and we have come through "most" of the bullsh*t however looking back I have to say I might have been better getting out. It's your choice my friend but you will have to think very long and very hard about whether its worth it or not.

And while you think you have time to make these decisions you may not. Whilst I was contemplating my GF got pregnant. Sometimes life makes decisions for you. Please bear this in mind when you think you have lots of time to make your decisions.

Hope this has been of help.

Spicing up your sex life-

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