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One liners post here :P Puns also welcome

  • 21-12-2002 4:01pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭


    What do you call a northsider in a suit?


    Guilty


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,144 ✭✭✭Runfree


    what do you call a fly inside a blondes head????

    A space invader!!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,522 ✭✭✭✭Gordon


    What do you call a Reliant Robin with a football inside it?

    A whistle!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,144 ✭✭✭Runfree


    What is small & brown and carries a suitcase???

    A handle!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,333 ✭✭✭Cake Fiend


    Originally posted by TruckledUncivil
    What do you call a northsider in a suit?


    Guilty

    Originally 'the accused' I believe, but let's face it, he's guaranteed to be guilty :p


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,211 ✭✭✭✭Sangre


    Whats pink and hard?

    A pig with a flick knife


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,339 ✭✭✭✭tman


    Originally posted by Sangre
    Whats pink and hard?

    A pig with a flick knife
    beat me to it:mad:


    a dyslexic guy walks into a bra


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 166 ✭✭-RaY-


    *An irish man , english man , and scots man walks into a bar*

    BAR MAN : is this a joke ?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,507 ✭✭✭DamienH


    A slice of toast, a bowl of cereal and a glass of orangejuice walk into a bar

    BARMAN: We don't serve breakfast round here


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,522 ✭✭✭✭Gordon


    A blind man walks into a bakery - he thought it was a bar.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,211 ✭✭✭✭Sangre


    Originally posted by Gordon
    A blind man walks into a bakery - he thought it was a bar.


    Hang your head in shame

    What has two legs and bleeds?

    Half a dog


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 209 ✭✭Johnny Gomez


    Sorry if this offends but here goes.
    What do you call a nacker with a watch?
    A Time Traveller:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭ozt9vdujny3srf


    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Becuase he was dead



    Why did 2nd the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Becuase he though it was a game




    Why did the tree fall down?

    Becuase it though it was a monkey



    Sorry


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,984 ✭✭✭✭Lump


    OMFG, ha ha ha, I'm in bits here, that last one was great. Well Done.




    John



    p.s. that was my longest reply to a post on humour ever. Be proud.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,144 ✭✭✭Runfree


    Whats pink and fluffy???


    Pink Fluff.


    Whats blue and fluffy???

    Pink fluff holdings its breath.



    Srry guys.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭ozt9vdujny3srf


    Originally posted by Lump


    p.s. that was my longest reply to a post on humour ever. Be proud.

    i am, Lumpeh, I am


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭ozt9vdujny3srf


    Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

    Blonde walks into a bar and says "ouch"

    2Blondes walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it



    Once again apologies


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,136 ✭✭✭Pugsley


    Originally posted by Runfree
    Whats pink and fluffy???


    Pink Fluff.


    Whats blue and fluffy???

    Pink fluff holdings its breath.
    Whats green and fluffy?
    sick pink fluff


    What white and fluffy?
    Dead pink fluff




    Whats purple and fluffy?
    Pink fluff still holdings its breath




    Whats orange and fluffy?
    Pink fluff with fake tan.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,144 ✭✭✭Runfree


    haha :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 245 ✭✭Pugwash


    what do you call an intelligent blonde?


    a golden retreiver


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 444 ✭✭s0l


    Hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.

    what does a strawberry and a cherry have in common?
    They both can't drive tractors


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,894 ✭✭✭TinCool


    What's red and invisible ?
    No Tomotoes.

    What's green and eats rocks ?
    A green rock eater.

    What's white and fluffy ?
    A cloud.

    What do you call a sheep without any legs ?
    Easy.

    What's brown and sticky ?
    A stick.

    What's green has six legs, falls out of a tree and kills you ?
    A Snooker table.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭honeymonster


    Why do prostitutes wear knickers?

    To keep their ankles warm




    What did spok see when he looked the toilet?

    Captains Log



    How do you circumcise a knacker?

    Kick his sister in the jaw


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,154 ✭✭✭✭Neil3030


    Originally posted by honeymonster



    What did spok see when he looked the toilet?

    Captains Log




    LMAO



    A baby walks into a bar and sez:

    "Shít I'm in the wrong joke"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭honeymonster


    Why do teachers make the best lovers?

    Because they will keep on making you do it until you get it right.




    Is this true? cause I gots some well fit teachers at me skool


    He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
    - George Bernard Shaw

    Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland - rich and thick.
    - Samuel Beckett

    Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
    - Oscar Wilde


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,228 ✭✭✭Scruff


    Why did the little gril fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,105 ✭✭✭Tyrrial


    what do you call a dog with no back legs and stainless steel balls


    sparky!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 211 ✭✭[Iramus]


    Why don't blind people go skydiving?
    Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

    a jumplead walks into a bar. the bartender says "ill serve you but dont start enything"
    ...sorry.:ninja:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,211 ✭✭✭✭Sangre


    I swear to God Im a genius at these jokes..... (my own)


    I think my book is sick, it might have Texticular cancer.

    While im humping my girl in the ear she suddenly stops me,
    'Wait! I hear someone coming'

    Cant think of anymore atm...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 451 ✭✭Zukustious


    What seperates us from the animals?

    The Liffey




    Laughed my ass off when I heard it.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,211 ✭✭✭✭Sangre


    You my friend, are what the Spanish call 'el terriblé'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,211 ✭✭✭✭Sangre


    A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin...............................and tonic."


    The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"


    The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,266 ✭✭✭Rnger


    There are many versions of this joke. I prefer the little Timmy ones however.

    Why did timmy fall down the stairs?
    Cuz he has no legs

    What did timmy get for christmas?
    Cancer

    Why did timmy fall of the swing?
    Cuz he has no arms

    Why did no1 help timmy up?
    Cuz no1 loves timmy

    Cruel I know


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,274 ✭✭✭de5p0i1er


    Whats small red sits in a corner and keeps getting smaller,

    A baby with a knife.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 199 ✭✭Jabbathegut


    What is Helen Keller's favourite colour?
    Corduroy

    Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
    So she can moan with the other.

    2 baby seals walked into a club...

    That'll do 4now

    :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,346 ✭✭✭✭KdjaCL


    To continue the monkey saga:

    Whats white and sits in a tree?

    A fridge

    Whats white and blue and sits in a tree?

    A fridge with a denim jacket on


    What did tarzan say when he seen a thousand elephants charging towards him ?

    "oh look theres a thousand elephants charging towards me"


    Best Joke Ever

    What do you call a 3 legged Donkey ?

    A Wonkey.

    kdjac


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 410 ✭✭Drazhar


    what did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well??

    Screamed her hands off


    What does Helen Keller's mother do to punish her??

    rearrange the furniture


    What did the rapist do to helen keller??

    broke her fingers so she couldnt tell anyone

    (oh careful:eek: )


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,808 ✭✭✭Ste.phen


    Originally posted by Pugsley
    Whats green and fluffy?
    sick pink fluff


    What white and fluffy?
    Dead pink fluff




    Whats purple and fluffy?
    Pink fluff still holdings its breath




    Whats orange and fluffy?
    Pink fluff with fake tan.




    Whats black and fluffy?
    EVIL pink fluff.


    Sorry, thats all i got that doesnt involve dead babies...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 144 ✭✭frood4t2


    Why do witches not wear panties?
    Better grip on the broom.

    Those Helen Keller jokes are evil! lol


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭ozt9vdujny3srf


    A fish swims into a wall and says "dam"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,288 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's Tarzan's favorite car ? Mazda 323

    What did Tarzan say say when he saw a herd of a thousand elephants all wearing sunglasses stampeding towards him ?
    Nothing - he didn't recognise them !

    What did Tarzan do when he saw a herd of a thousand elephants stampeding towards him down the middle of O'Connell street ?
    He calmy stepped into a phone box - made a trunk call and reversed the charge.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,288 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Boom Boom !

    Thanks for reminding me about part two of the joke
    (or the only part for those who have never heard of Basil Brush*)

    Two elephants and a symbol fall off a cliff

    "boom boom tscchhh"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,152 ✭✭✭ozt9vdujny3srf


    Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
    Boom Boom !


    pfff the joke is

    Two elephants and a symbol fall off a cliff

    "boom boom tscchhh"

    doesn't make sense otherwise :P


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,288 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Tut-and-come-ie.

    Bad Joke.
    What's brown and sits in front of a piano ?
    Bethoovens piano stool.

    Worse Joke.
    What's brown and sits in front of a piano ?
    Bethoovens stool.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 519 ✭✭✭cujimmy


    whats brown and sticky?

    A stick


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭Sarky


    (When suggesting that someone has a low IQ)

    "If you had another brain cell you'd bark."

    (When suggesting that she might be little promiscuous)

    "Like throwing a sausage up O'Connel street."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Sev


    Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was a salted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,136 ✭✭✭Pugsley


    2 goldfish in a tank, one asks "how do you drive this thing".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 99 ✭✭QBall


    What do you do if a herd of 1000 buffalo come through your window?

    Swim for it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 219 ✭✭YoungNastyMan


    Sorry about this its a terrible joke.


    Why did Johnny have no friends ?

    Because he was in a wheel chair.


    Really sorry


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 801 ✭✭✭TheWolf


    How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    One


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