25 years old and never been kissed

LegacyUser

This is kind of related to my earlier "non-drinkers" post.

I am 25 years old. I have had zero experience with women. Never been on a date, kissed, held hands, asked a girl out. Nothing.

Reasons for this are pretty complex. I had very loving but overprotective parents as a kid/teenager. I was an innocent, shy and nerdy teenager. I never went to discos. I was terrified of girls. I spent all my time at home doing homework or playing computer games while my peers were going to discos and "shifting". In school I was bullied and accused of being gay which isn't surprising really.

Went to college aged 18. Moved away from home, became more mature, got more confidence. I was no longer scared of girls. By this stage, I was comfortable having a normal conversation with a female. But the whole idea of dating girls still terrified me. There was no way I could chat up a girl, ask a girl out, flirt with a girl and so on. If I did manage to get a date with a girl, I wouldn't know what to do. I didn't know the first thing about dating, being romantic, being intimate etc.

Now I'm 25 and have been working for a few years. Things are basically the same except I'm older and more desperate. I'm really, really worried now. I'm as lonely as hell and see a bleak future ahead of me. I'm unwanted and unloved (except by my parents) I'm wasting my life away alone. What the f**k am I going to do? I've gotten myself into a really deep hole and I see no way out of climbing out. How can someone my age start dating for the first time in their life? And if I did start dating a girl, how would she react to my lack of experience (I bet she'd run away cause of the freakiness of it)

The way I see it - I should have learned all this stuff a long time ago. Now it's too late. I believe that if you don't start learning how to deal with females when you're a teenager it's virtually impossible to start later in life.

And the only person that can help me is...ME. I know the score. I don't suffer from a mental illness or a psychological disorder. Bullsh1t counselling or therapy won't do me any good. There's no point in me getting treatment for depression either. The only thing that will "cure" me is a romantic interaction with a female - it's as simple as that.

I reckon I'm a reasonably attractive guy. I'm also intelligent and generally have good self confidence and self-esteem (except when it comes to dating) So it's not all bad.

If anyone can relate to this or can offer an opinion, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for any input.

Dave

Silent Grape

have u ever tried talking to a girl, ever? im glad ur not going to councelling seeing as u dont have a mental illness (depression is a mental illness by the way : ) ) it might be scary but cud that be because maybe u havent tried it out. i dont know ur situation or anything, and i cud be completely off the mark, but it doesnt appear to me that ur making very much of an effort, i get the slight feeling that ur feeling very sorry for urself and wallowing in a fair amount of self pity. u said in college u didnt find it so hard to meet a girl, im thinking maybe find something u love doing, or already love to do,and perhaps ull find a girl through that, i dunno, again, i cud be completely wrong. i dont understand one thing tho, u said ur quite confident and ur self esteem is okay, but then u say that ur unloved and unwanted....? maybe ur making ur situation out to be better than it is. there's more to life than girlfriends, but i know that doesnt relieve how ur feeling. try to stay positive and stop wallowing dammit! : ) get out there and trust urself and ur personality. im sorry if im talking a load of complete rubbish, then again, u can put things in perspective too - my virginity was snatched away from me when i was 16, three years ago nearly. if a woman does run away scared from u (highly doubtful), she isnt woman enough or worth your time. ahhhh! again with the rubbishy advice! im so sorry! gud luck, start efforting and dont give up

mia x

The Gopher

Dave-Im not going to coat it in cotton wool-your situation is a little abnormal.But at the same time ask yourself why you have never been kissed.Has a girl ever made a move on you?Im sure they must have-have you run away even accidendtly?For example last friday night i was in a club and as i was passing a pretty girl i didnt know she asked me if i wanted a sip of her red bull."No thanks"i say amicably,as i dont like red bull.Suddenly i realised"Ah ****,she was after me and i turned her down.Christ!"Now,this proves that you have to think before you act:rolleyes: Dont run away from a girl without thinking.
For the record i first kissed at about 14(unless you count being pinned down and kissed during games of kiss chase when i was about 5 or 6:D).I remember in first year about a quarter of the class went to discos and every monday theyd be boasting about the "burrds" they shifted and gave the finger and other such BS.Then when i get to go in second year i see that the majority of those boasters are bull****ters.Most of them are the guys who sit on the chair all night while everyone else dances and gets girls and so on.So dont believe everything your friends tell ya kiddies I remember my ma saying to take all my pals boasts with a pinch of salt.I didnt believe her till i found out how bad at it they really were:D Muppets

LegacyUser

As gopher said, sugar-coating your situation would only be patronizing. Whatever about being a virgin at 25, never having even kissed a girl is just not normal and could be very dangerous to your self-confidence with women and future relationship prospects. I can imagine how daunting an idea of starting your first romantic relationship could be at your age. This kind of thing is supposed to be part of growing up as a teenager, where you're expected to be inexperienced, to make mistakes, etc.
First off, I presume you're not looking for a one-night pull-in-a-nightclub type thing. This is exactly what you don't need, because you would be under a huge amount of pressure, and an unappreciative, non-understanding (is that a word?) girl could do even more damage to your self-confidence. What you need is someone who understands your situation and is willing to take it slowly or whatever. Easier said than done, I'm sure you agree.

Do you have any female friends you can talk with about this? Obviously enough, the best way to learn about women is to talk to them. You might actually be surprised at how little a lot of men your age actually know about the opposite sex, so you mightn't be as badly off as you think.

As irrelevant as this might seem, I can relate to the whole 'sheltered teens' thing - I also had ridiculously over-protective parents, spent my early teens absolutely alien to the ways of the opposite sex, thought I'd die a virgin. Any time I tried chatting up a girl I'd panic, get tense as a bowstring and say something stupid. I didn't have a proper girlfriend until I was 17 (now I'm the filthiest-minded bugger you're likely to meet ). You need to keep in mind that you're not going to go through your entire life a virgin; something will happen sooner or later.

Winters

All the advise I can give you is go to a pub and try and "chat up" a woman. If you fail and she blows you off so what? **** Happens. You will be nervous but so what. Think about what you want to say and say it. If you want practice saying it with yourself infront of a mirror before you go out.

You can only solve your "problem" by going out and talking to woman and if you do well enough get a kiss :eek:





and be yourself

Kali

i'm not exactly the best person to be giving advice on dating.. i've never had a relationship longer than 5 months at max.. and even now that ones a good 3 years ago, although i've been with a few women since so i'm not too worried about that, yet

but anyway my advice for what its worth:

ask your friends to try and set you up with someone... even if its as subtle as going out for dinner as a double date or something and then onto a bar or something for some get-to-know-her conversation.

and try to widen your social circle as much as possible... the more people you know the more chances you will create for yourself (this applies to everything not just women)... make small talk with the women in the office/gym/club about anything and everything.

head off for a weekend somewhere, galway, cork, belfast, edinburgh with either your best friend or a couple of mates, anyone you trust won't make fun of your chatup attempts
and basically go mad (no you dont have to drink. .but its better), no-one will know you there, so its usually a lot more relaxed, and chat up as many women as possible.. again you have to be comfortable so chose who you go with.

And remember nothing ventured nothing gained, one step at a time and don't let one setback get you down

and good luck.

The Corinthian

Explain your situation to a female friend you can trust. She may well be able to introduce you to one of her more agressive friends, which is what you need to get you started.

And visit a brothel.

LegacyUser

Dave, chill out. Yeah, you're a late bloomer, so what.

Kisses don't come tumbling out of the ether one day. You have to put yourself in a kissing position - the position to kiss or to be kissed.

My initial advice would be that alcohol, not loads now just a bit, but alcohol is your friend - I say this because it's the quickest way of overcoming the taboo and hesitation you now have over kissing a girl because you never have.

And those of you who say it's not normal:

There are people out there who are your ages and who dress in skin tight rubber suits at the weekend and penetrate each other's back passages with vegetables and rubber objects who probably think that you're nerds and freaks and repressed fools because you haven't tried it yet.

There's no shame in being 25 and never having kissed someone. There's no abnormality in it either. Sure jesus this board exists because half of you people don't take the opportunities that are handed to you on a plate, so I'm not surprised that there's a poster for whom the opportunity has simply never arisen.

The Gopher

Originally posted by Winters
. If you fail and she blows you off so what?

If she blows you off i would consider it quite a succesful night out:D
Or do we mean different things?;)

Winters

You knew what i ment .. i should have phrased it better though.

But if she does blow you .. and i mean that in the good way then well done .... that would be a lot better then a kiss

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
There's no abnormality in it either.

It is abnormal. The norm will have kissed, held hands, gone on a date or somesuch by 25.

I'm not going to say that it is a good or bad thing for him to be in that situation (shame is not something I would feel in his position), but it is unusual, statistically outside the mean, deviating from the type, anomalous, irregular or abnormal.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take the rubber suit out of the tumble dryer.

LegacyUser

Dave25, your not alone in your situation. Don't despair !!
Since i was 14, I have never had a girlfriend, i know that i am extremely shy.
I was uncomfortable around people, not just girls but people of any age. It got worse as i got older through my teenage years, i thought that college would sort of deliver me from it. Someone said if u dont get experience with girls in your teenage yours, its harder...couldn't agree more.

I only started getting better in conversation with anyone about 2 years ago, i am now 26. I had never had any conversation with any girl up until then. I never went out to parties/discos, i dreaded when xmas/new year came, the no friends syndrome was terrible. When a girl was even near me, i often got very nervous. Weird, eh ?
What changed me was when i got a new job and tried to mingle.
I can be a little chatty in work now, but not in social circles, still petrified. I still have problems even conducting a conversation with some people. Trying hard to get out of my shell, it aint easy. I keep trying to motivate myself, i know i am getting better and improving.
As u said, its up to U to motivate yourself, it takes time, believe me, i know.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

bleh, I'm 19 and never been kissed, same as yerself. doesn't bother me and I don't see it bothering me really for a while

women seem to be far more trouble than they are worth romantically, nothing against them as friends though, they can be just as retarded as lads in that dept.

LegacyUser

There are 2 solutions to this one;

1) Lots of lube.

2) www.escorts.ie

Theres my two cents - Sorry if I seem too forthcoming

deimos

Em mate, This may not sound like the best solution.... I do not drink, I smoke, and just a few joints a year. My love life has been generous in respects but to the point I had a freind in the same situation as yourself....
He was a total nerd, loving parents and over protective and never went out, he could not see himself a future in the lines of love. He hadnt met a girl(kissed, even had a proper conversation with),he could'nt even talk to one. The more his life progressed the deeper the hole he felt he was digging himself...

The solution, Valium, we organised a small amount of valium for him(and brought him to a nightclub! - his first time), it gave him enough confidence to actually ask a girl for her number, I wont lie it was hard enough to get him to call her the next day, but he eventually ended up staying with her for a while. This was like 2 years ago, after he was with a girl for a while, he actually relaxed while talking to them, he has had 1 serious relationship since her. He is still slightly nervous talking to a girl for the first time, but he is an awful lot more confident.

I am not saying you need valium as such, but is all you got to do is take the first big step, and remember its easier to take the step this weekend rather than next weekend, and buy the sounds of it, you've been just having a run of bad luck.... It is actually possible(with a little encouregment from a few people) to still catch up with everyone even though you are 25...

It isint so bad....... just give it a try

and by the sounds of it, you think the hole relationship thing is real lovey dovey and alike, those relationships are very hard to come by, don't be suprised if you don't get it first time, well good luck, and do go out once and a while

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ok I'm much younger than you and thought I was bad but serioiusly what have you got to lose, your reputation?

po0k

Originally posted by The Gopher
For example last friday night i was in a club and as i was passing a pretty girl i didnt know she asked me if i wanted a sip of her red bull."No thanks"i say amicably,as i dont like red bull.Suddenly i realised"Ah ****,she was after me and i turned her down.Christ!"Now,this proves that you have to think before you act:rolleyes: Dont run away from a girl without thinking.

Shoulda asked her if she remembers that Bailey's ad
If she'd picked up on it you'd have been on a winner.

po0k

Origional poster:

I bet you €40 you went to an all-boys school.

deco

Don't worry Dave25...

The whole thing with going out on the pull is just having a ton of confidence...as well as neck

I've seen the most fugly and stupid men attract the most gorgeous girls just by not giving a flying fúck.....

I know that this is easy to say but the next time your out just start chating up the girls you see milling around and you'll be sure to get this off your chest:)

And Syxer has got a point, you probably did go to an all boys school...didn't you?

LegacyUser

I've heard the saying "The best men always stand out at last"
this is a very true saying, the nice ladies that have had other relationships with other guys would go for people like dave, stay confident.

LegacyUser

Wasn't kissed until I was 19, didn't have sex until 22. Last had sex 2 years ago. So not everyone is pulling all the time.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

hehe, alcaholic

it's always possible that you're gay, if you're more comfortable hanging out or talking with lads than with girls.

*shrug*

Typedef

Bah!

Remove the stick from your ass about this.
That is all that really needs to happen, quietly just chill out about it.

Don't make an issue out of it.
Do get out of the house on Friday and Saturday Nights, with friends if possible, but on your own if need be, it's only difficult to do so in your mind!

Even Dade Murphy in hackers did this, Neo in the Matrix, getting out of the house doesn't imply you will become some sort of drunkard, it doesn't mean your computer skillz will suddenly go blunt, but it will destigmatise the entire process of meeting chicks in a relaxed environment in your mind.
It is important to recognise, the stigma is only really existant in your mind and the chicks you will persue will most likely want frivilous relationships and so what?

Don't go out to try and meet 'the one', just check out the talent, and don't get your knickers in a twist, literally and allegorically/metaphorically.

Really what you need to do is go out, with some friends to places with girls, you 'DON'T' have to drink if you don't want to, again , you 'DON'T' have to drink if you don't want to, you can just observe the action. Make logical startegies. Observe the successful practicioner of the art of chick picking up and then derive a similar startegy to ameloriate your situation.

Hell a chick is 'NOT' going to land in your lap, sitting infront of your computer terminal, I'm not saying, go and become some deranged party animal, but do 'lighten up' significantly.

l3rian

you should think less, and get on with it, dont be afraid of mistakes, learn from them, the more you make, the more you learn

neuro-praxis

I think you've just been too afraid of rejection, and haven't been lucky enough to meet forward girls (or perhaps you're crap at taking the hint:)).

You are not the only person I know who is a late bloomer. I can think of several great, attractive and well-balanced people I know who have no romantic experiences, aged between 18 and 23. With a couple of them it has been completely a matter of choice.

If your face up to the possibility of rejection, you will meet girls romantically. Accept that they might say no. Then get on with it. And keep asking people you like out till one of them says yes. Believe in yourself. And there is no need to reveal your lack of experience until you are entirely comfortable with that person. If they run, then they genuinely aren't mature enough for the relationship.

Good luck.

lordsippa

Or y'know... you could just cover it up by making it look intentional and becoming a priest.

DeVore

Whats the big deal, I think I was 20 (maybe 21) before I jumped into bed with someone.

Some people prefer to keep sexual intimacy for people who mean a great deal to them (any of the ladies I've been in bed with *did* mean a lot to me at the time).

I've frequently told someone who was interested in shacking up with me that it would have to wait until we knew each other better.

Not every guy has "YES" tattooed to his foreheard you know. Some of us are at *least* as picky as the ladies

DeV.

Dalamar

Don't worry about, seriously. do what ever you do to calm yourself before you go out. females (generally) don't bite, or slap unless you *really* provoke them. it (probably won't happen to-night, tomorrow night, next week even, that you can start feeling more confident. And lack of experenice? same thing. it doesn't matter.

DeVore

ps: I'm also incredibly bad at "taking the hint" as someone put it.

On at least one occasion I spent an evening chatting pleasantly with a nice looking lady with a big group of friends. She went to the toilet and they all (even the females!) looked at me like "wahey!". I was confused and said "what... whats up with you lot" and just about all of them slap their foreheads and groaned into their drinks.

I'm incredibly bad at "picking up signals", apparently.

Be happy in yourself, do what you want to do and dont let others direct your life for you.

DeV.

skorn

Dave

I know what your going through.
I was 24 and never been kissed.

Finally happened and I ended up marrying the girl (that was about 7 years ago now).

What helped me to ask someone out was what a friend once told me. "whats the worst that can happen?"
If you ask someone you like out and they say no, no worries. If its a friend, if they are a good friend, it shouldn't make a big difference if they say no, and if its someone you hardly know maybe you'll never even see them ever again.

If you have been infatauted with someone for a long long time like I was (2.5 years with a good friend) the best thing to do is really bite the bullet and make your feelings know. She told me she didn't think of me that way.... yes, it hurt (alot) but it got me back on track and help give me the "courage" to ask some one else out (who turned out to be my future wife).

The first step is huge, it makes it seem bigger than it is after you go through with it, it will be like: "what? was that it? that wasn't such a big, complicated thing".

Good luck mate, don't worry your not alone.
Just go for it! Whats the worst that could happen?

Typedef

Originally posted by DeVore

On at least one occasion I spent an evening chatting pleasantly with a nice looking lady with a big group of friends. She went to the toilet and they all (even the females!) looked at me like "wahey!". I was confused and said "what... whats up with you lot" and just about all of them slap their foreheads and groaned into their drinks.

Is that meant to be a signal?

Hmm I think I may be spending too much time in front of my computer.

"Am I so out of touch..... no, no, it must be the chicks....".

Oeneus

I know my situation may differ because I'm 16. But I was just like you...until last week. Why? Here's my story. Try and look at it as a solution.

First off. Go out on a regular basis with your friends. Secondly, get pissed every weekend.
I think you've posted a couple of months too late, because the best time to do this is during the summer. But anyway...slutty holiday makers are an easy target, because if they decide to say they hate you or some **** like that, it doesn't matter because their leaving in a couple of days.

So...get pissed with your friends, go slutty holiday maker spotting, get them to get pissed with you. And just get in there, man!

This is what we did last week.:). We had these *****es over from Birmingham. **** they were annoying...but they had a face, tits and ass!

That night I got my first kiss and my first ever tit fondling! :D:D:D:D! Just try not to give a **** about who it is, unless they're ****ing ugly or have genital herpes etc. :D:D:D

Moriarty

Shouldn't 'advice' such as ^^^^ carry an enforced health warning?

The Gopher

Originally posted by Oeneus
First off. Go out on a regular basis with your friends. Secondly, get pissed every weekend.
I think you've posted a couple of months too late, because the best time to do this is during the summer. But anyway...slutty holiday makers are an easy target, because if they decide to say they hate you or some **** like that, it doesn't matter because their leaving in a couple of days.

So...get pissed with your friends, go slutty holiday maker spotting, get them to get pissed with you. And just get in there, man!

This is what we did last week.:). We had these bitches over from Birmingham. **** they were annoying...but they had a face, tits and ass!

That night I got my first kiss and my first ever tit fondling! :D:D:D:D! Just try not to give a **** about who it is, unless they're ****ing ugly or have genital herpes etc.

LOL theres so much of that post that rings a bell with me:D Ive never gone looking for foreign muff(I like my homegrown bitches slightly more myself,if were to talk like that my nigga):DThough dont get me wrong-some foreign girls are beautiful.However these are mainly non european ones-personally i think weve got the best quality hos in Europe. But he has a point Dave-stop going out looking to fall in love with a beautiful girl.Its not like on tv you know-your not supposed to be devoted to some drunken slut that you kiss at a club on a friday night.Hell I never knew the names of most women Ive had and neither do my friends.Dont set your standards so high-you got to be a player before you start to get serious with girls.As previously said some of the most pug fugly lads get off with rides.I wouldbnt consider myself as having the westlife looks(thank god:D )but,and I dunno why,I get the eye/a nice bit more from some of the best looking girls I know.I just dont get why exactly but i am nevertheless thankful:)
So basically lower your standards Dave.
Heres a tip-how about talking to girls you grew up with?Ones you went to school with?I sometimes find a little bit of flirtatious nostalgia about what you did when you were kids together can get the ball rolling.Thats the funny thing-alot of the girls that like me are the same ones who liked me when we were like in junior infants.Strange the way the world works

Oeneus

I do appologise for my previous post. I was blind drunk. I don't know what came over me without going unregie! . But it is all true!

Gordon

Cut out the prophanities guys.

jank

just chill out, talk to people and get a circle of friends together, remember the girl(s) you WILL be talking to will just be as nervous as you.

u can always go to thailand or something!!!!!

banquo

you just KNOW the unregistered guy above me is dave25

Kell

The best gem of wisdom I ever heard was today. It's applicable to all situations and goes like this-

"Never to afraid to try anything. After all, the Ark was built by amateurs and professionals built the Titanic"

Honesty works too mate. Get talking to someone, a mates girlfriend or something, and explain the situation. Girls generally get all churlish and stuff if you say your a rank amateur and if you're good looking they will only be too happy to show you the ropes.

Seraphina

Originally posted by Kell
if you say your a rank amateur and if you're good looking they will only be too happy to show you the ropes.

bizarrely enough, he speaks the truth!!

banquo

what if he's not good lookin? will they still be as friendly?

Seraphina

depends on whether he's not goodlooking as in butt ugly or not goodlooking as in plain but passable.
depends on alot of things really...

Mr E

Is Dave25 still reading this? Any update on your situation, Dave?

- Dave.

s8n

get yourself down to coppers boy

DeVore

God I was in college before I got a home-run so to speak!

Half the people who go on about how much they are getting are yanking their own chains.

You never hear a well fed man talk of food.

DeV.

Big Chief

"faint heart never won the fair maiden" and all that so to speak

least thats the way ive always looked at it. Then again i usually down a few pints of "dutch courage" before i start to chat away without feeling like a cock

Lorax

sceptre

Originally posted by DeVore
You never hear a well fed man talk of food.

Nicely put.

As a rule, amount of talk from blokes is inversely proportional to amount they're getting

Kulgan

Originally posted by s8n
get yourself down to coppers boy

haha now theres a quick solution!!

stormkeeper

Originally posted by DeVore
You never hear a well fed man talk of food.

I like this quote so much, I decided to add it as my quit message (Dev gets full credit of course for what he said - I added something to make it more relevant as a quit message)

stormkeeper

And, on a more serious note, I actually have a similar problem to the guy who originally posted this thread. Dispite me going out on the beer every so often, I still have problems getting a girl (I don't have much confidance in the way of chatting them up just yet, but I'm getting there - I hope).

Seriously though, you should forget all the nervousness and just bite the bullet... Who cares if you're rejected the first time? It isn't the end of the world if you are... There are lots of other women to choose from.

And remember that there is no such thing as normal when talking about people, in other words everyone is different, so what works on one person mightn't work on another. If you find your "plan of attack" doesn't work at all, perhaps you're not trying hard enough, or you're trying the wrong approach. Don't forget, you can always change your approach if you feel that it isn't working... There are many to try, and if you feel up to it, change your method slightly, according to how they react to what you previously have said or done.

Don't forget, you can ask your friends for advice too; male or female.

I think this quote I made may sum up what I mean:

"Plans can be very important, for without a plan of strategy, there is no way to account for any variables in battle."

(Yeah, I can be really insightful sometimes... Only problem is I can't seem to follow my own advice... Live and learn eh?)