What am I doing wrong?

LegacyUser

Hi people,
maybe someone can put me at ease slightly.

I'm a 21 year old male, and never seem to have too much luck with the ladies. I always try to make the effert to be polite, and put on the charm, etc, but women usual just turn and ignore me.

Any advice, what am I doing wrong? Am I looking in the wrong place? Maybe I'm being to picky, maybe I shouldn't go out to attract just one type of girl.

Hey girls, what exactly do ye look for in a guy anyhow? I know I'm me and that gonna be hard to change but I just wanna know how I can come out with a better result?

I'd like a long term girlfriend and not just a meaningless snog in the nite-club after a night on the beer.

Any help appreciated!!!

LegacyUser

Ever heard the expression 'nice guys finish last'? All too often it's true, unfortunately.

Would I be right in assuming you've not got the highest self-confidence in the world? If that's the case, it might be worth going out on a few nights on the pull just to boost the aul' ego. I know you say that's not what you're after, but it can be good if you're getting depressed about being single.

A real relationship is not quite so easy, obviously. If you leave it to fate, you could be waiting a long time; if you've got friends who cop on to your situation they might introduce you to someone, etc etc (I hate setups personally though).


[opinion, not necessarily fact] Girls will normally tell you they want someone decent, kind, considerate, blah blah blah. The type of men young women actually seem to be attracted to are the loud, brash smooth-talking 'boyzzz' with the bleached hair and the souped up Golfs etc (note: girls will never admit to this). Your average woman of 18-22 wants a bit of excitement, whatever she says. Imagine a man talking about cars to a woman - he'll say what he wants is something sensible and economical, good mileage to the gallon, etc - this is what he wants in the long run, but what your average young man would like to be driving round in is something stupidly fast, flashy and expensive (sorry about the crap analogy...).
[/opinion]


There are, however, plenty of women out there who are attracted to the decent, polite type. I don't know where they hide, but they do exist. You'll meet some of them eventually (not that it's much good to you at the moment). It's not worth trying to change who you are just to get a girl.

Seraphina

isn't that what we all ask ourselves?

LegacyUser

you are being too nice. if your talking to a girl and keep praising her etc she will think you are desperate and she wont want to go out with you. try making her feel like you dont need her.. that way she will be more attracted to you

hacktavist

Treat girls like dirt and they'll stick to you like mud...
(probably not true)

Cake Fiend

Originally posted by Unregistered
try making her feel like you dont need her.. that way she will be more attracted to you

There's actually a grain of truth in that - it's built into human nature to want what we can't have or is hard to attain, so keeping an aloof attitude can often help your chances.

LegacyUser

im not being odd or anything but maybe your trying too hard, i know, being a girly myself that i dont like a guy to try too hard. its all part of the fun. it shouldn't have to be you the hold time making the effort

Mystic Fibrosis

Theyre right, we all have the same problems. And I also HATE setups.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

smiles

You're being a good mate, not dateable material.

Myself and a mate were talking about it today, she's being virtually handed a guy and she's annoyed, in her words "it lacks the challenge, the fun".

To be honest a lot of girls like to win a guy, it gives them a bit of fun

Just flirt, it's not that difficult, raise eyebrows, hold glances, wink.
It's fun and easy.

gl

<< Fio >>

Beruthiel

mise, M. Tilt and Smiles make good points.

women always have the knack of knowing someone is out looking, sounds like you're trying too hard (it's smacks of being desperate and so to be avoided).
Stop trying to find someone, go out and enjoy yourself, if someone is beside you in the bar, just chat to them like their a mate, flirt a little and BE YOURSELF, don't see her as someone you are trying to get a date with, eventually, with time the right one will give you a go.
one thing I have noticed for myself is, the exact time I wasn't interested in being with someone, I seemed to attract more!!??

WhiteWashMan

stop being who you arent and start being yourself.
if you have to change yourself to try and pick someone up, i dont think they will appreciate it if you turn out to be someone different if you start going out with them.
and stop being such a wimp

thedrowner

yeah, if u go out looking for someone long term, u will probably return empty handed. its when its far from my mind that i usually end up with a long term relationship on my hands, and i know everyone always says that but its true!

dunno if id agree with the not being nice to a girl thing...i know with my ex, when ever he did nice things like buying me presents, taking me out, compliments, phone calls (he he) it used to really piss me off, but i wasnt really in love with him, and now that ive found someone i do love, its great.

treat em mean, keep em keen i find, serves only to make someone more clingy. Just let things take a natural course, stop dwelling on it and when it happens just go with it, coz if its right, its right because you're being yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi all, original poster here!

A few very good point there ok. Thanks all for posting replies!!!

Maybe ye are right, I guess I am trying to hard. I should give up trying a little and just relax, do a bit of chit chatting, maybe get flirty and see what happens.

Trouble is although i always try to be nice to a girl, I'm not much good at the whole flirting thing. Any tips?

As for the whole idea of being set up by a pal, I really hate that. I ended up going on a blind date to a girls Debs last year, and it was a nightmare. I was all dressed up in my tucs, walked into the pub to meet her before we got the bus to hotel, and there was I on first impression this girl seems genuine enough,as the night went on I suddenly realised how wrong I was.

She was so narky and contrary all night. Her company was boring, and al she wanted to do was sit down and drink for the night.

So no way am I going on a set up date again.

Hey Smiles = maybe ya could give me a few lessons on the whole flirting business, the raised eyebrows, a wink, sounds all a little gay!!!!!!!!

seamus

Everyone has good points. For a bunch of nerds we know a bit of women

I always found that I never scored when I went out on the pull, ie when I spent a night going up talking to women. The times when I'd score would be when we'd go out and just have a laugh, a dance, and not get absolutely bollxed drunk. Women came up and talked to us. The best example was the night I met my gf. There was 15 of us, who were all going on holidays together after the LC, so we had decided this was going to be the last drinking night before the LC, and we had a mental night. And 12 of us pulled, which is a huge proportion.

If you're really desperate, you could try pretend you have a girlfriend, cos it's a well-known phenomenon that your attractiveness to women increases proportional to how long you've been in a relationship.

As merc said, go out and enjoy life and dance. If you look like you don't need a woman to enjoy life, then it makes them even more determined to get in there and destroy that

Beruthiel

it makes them even more determined to get in there and destroy that

will you be bringing your g/f on Sat. night Seamus, I wish to discuss this statment with her?!

seamus

Originally posted by Beruthiel
it makes them even more determined to get in there and destroy that

will you be bringing your g/f on Sat. night Seamus, I wish to discuss this statment with her?!

No, no, she refused to come because of the 'pay in' bit. She has a party to go to. There's only 2 people on these boards who have met her, and that's the way I want to keep it........I know she'll never actually come online, so this is my sanctuary

Hobnail Monkey

No s******ing please, but if you masturbate a lot, stop it!!!!!
I found that when I didn't jerk off for a while, I became more primal and much less of a nice guy (which I'm really prone to being). After about 3 weeks of no-sexual activity, you're a different feckin' person, a lot more raw and a lot less formal. It works for me time and time again, when you are really desperate for some action and haven't touched yourself in weeks, your approach is a lot different and less standoff-ish.
The only bad side effect I've noticed is that you have to watch what you say, I seem to develop a serious case of tourette's syndrome when I haven't touched myself for a while. So, while you may feel an urgency in your approach when you do this, try to watch your P's and Q's at the same time.
The above was a serious contribution, I'm not messing about here!
But, you also have to assess both yourself and the people you are trying to be with. If you've got piercings and tatts and listen to Morbid Angel and Slayer (and wear the T-Shirts), chances are unless you're a seriously jammy codger, respectable and god-fearing girls are not going to want to know you. I've suffered this one, got some tatts and listen to metal and when you open your mouth about this, you just get a vague look in return - I usually crash and burn at that stage. Try and get involved in a scene you're confortable in, if you feel like a fish out of water somewhere, then its almost a certainty that you're not going to have much luck there.
Also, without wanting to diss any girls on boards.ie here, girls nowadays are hard to please, unless you meet a sound one. A lot of them (who give the nice one's a bad name) are just scatter-brains, and unless you're very familiar with all the current trends and fads, you''ll be working hard to keep up with them. Also, monogomy seems dead in the young 'uns these days. I'm 24 and most of the people my age are still into the one-partner thing. But I do know a lot of folks aging from about 12 upwards and it seems to me that they are no longer interested in anything resembling a relationship.....assuming it is a relationship you're looking for and not just sex. If its just sex.....put on your best threads and head to Zanzibar or Copperface Jacks and bring loads of dosh with you, you'll be beating the hoors off you then.
But in the big picture, women are very different to men. If you can't get the hang of them, then you need more exposure to them. If you've got a sister, try talking to her, or talk to a brothers girlfriend or something. Don't talk to yer Mum though, because they are no help at all, unless you've got one of those sound mums' (you know the one's!!!!).
If you STILL can't swing it, then come out on the piss with me and my friends and we'll sort you out for good. Just don't hold me responsible if anything untowards happens!!!!!

rymus

Originally posted by Unregistered
try making her feel like you dont need her.. that way she will be more attracted to you

Very VERY interesting... God bless psychology and the paradox which is the female brain

s10

If you're really desperate, you could try pretend you have a girlfriend, cos it's a well-known phenomenon that your attractiveness to women increases proportional to how long you've been in a relationship.

<- seamus has a good point there
but not to lie & say you have a girlfriend
convince yourself you have one b4 & when you are out & about
rather than look around desperatly
it must b the indifference attitude that attracts.
most of my friends that score regulary have the ability to talk absolut sh1te for 4 hours
& shave your palms ,lol

it all depends on where you go
quiet a few place in the big smoke are not the place were people feel comfortable being approched

im quite shy
but if you live in de big smoke
i can give you a list of places were girlies go not to get chatted up every 5 mins , as im sure that get annoying , bit like ibiza .

The Sweeper

ATTENTION YOU PEOPLE!!!

STEP AWAY FROM THE DATING SCENE!

No wonder most of you lot can never get a date. Sweet Jesus.

People, you're all MENTAL.

'Try to look as though you're not interested'
'Try to pretend you don't want her'
'Try to pretend you have a girlfriend'
'Try making her feel like you dont need her.. that way she will be more attracted to you'...

So your combined advise is to act like a wánker to pull birds??

If you do any of the above, yes, you'll score.

You'll score some slapper with a past job history as a human mattress whose got more issues than Afghanistan and more ex boyfriends than Liz Taylor, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Freddie Mercury combined. She'll shág you on your first date, tell you she loves you within a week, propose that you marry her within a month and screw your best mate or your brother a week later.

As for being nice and it not working, here's the problem.

Are you normally a nice outgoing person who complements people on their appearance and goes out of their way to do things for them (pulling out seats, opening doors, buying drinks)? Do you do that for your everyday mates? No? Then why do you think that when you do it to a stranger it'll come across as natural? It just appears false!

First rule, be yourself. If you don't prostrate yourself as a human doormat for your mates, don't do it for a girl you're interested in, you'll just look marginally more undesirable than Michael Jackson coated in marmalade.

If you are on the hunt for someone long term, you have to start out being the person you are. Chances are you're quite likeable, but the gobshíte you turn into when you deliver chat up lines isn't.

Wánkers get laid because there's a certain type of woman out there who wants to get laid by a wánker. And unless you're a bona fide wánker all the time, you don't want to hook up with a woman like that.

Aspro

Now there's a bit of good advice.

Wánkers get laid because there's a certain type of woman out there who wants to get laid by a wánker.

http://www.wankfetishgirls.com

Hobnail Monkey

Seems like the Personal Issues board has gotten a refreshing kickstart from our esteemed colleague, Minesajackdaniels. Made me giggle with the truth of it all.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

original poster here again.

very good points there Minesajackdaniels. Its so true. But I must say that I feel that I do make a strong effert to be nice to everybody not just girls. I've been known to help out mates in trouble, buy them drink, lend em money when stuck, compliment them, etc, etc.

I would do the same thing to a girl if they'd allow me. I'm not a total w*nker, that just goes out to pull some slapper. I know the slapper type, there is no fun in that, it takes little effert to pull a slapper anyway, like I said already, I wanna be with a genuine girl, someone who is easy to chat to and good company. I know these girls out there as I've come across them, but I just don't seem to be the right type for them.

And NO, I am not out for sex, I'm out to find a girl for friendship and companionship. may sound weird coming from a guy, but its the honest truth.

Hobnail Monkey - No offense but I personally don't wanna hear about what ya do with your right hand in your spare time. boards is not the place for discussing such a personal issue as monkey spanking, and I'm sure mods will agree with me on that.

Thanks all once again!!!!

Tazz T

@minesajackdaniels

spectacular post.

/claps

Hobnail Monkey

Unregi - are you denying that you have ever indulged in hand-shandy???
Only joking, but I was only going on your original message which was a bit unclear so I was trying to cover all the bases (no pun intended).
Best of luck to you though, I hope you find the person you are looking for and if not, don't ignore ol' rosie palm

thedrowner

yup, well said MAJD!!!
so if u are a nice guy naturally just be yourself, and wait for it, dont go looking for it! I used to go mad at that advice, coz my friends seemed to constantly be in relationships and i wanted to experience it too. But once i stopped being...a bit desperate!!!...i realised that you cant force gettin into a relationship just because u want one! So i stopped thinking about it, and i was more natural around guys then and more myself, which helped me meet the kind of person i had chemistry with enabling the relationship to work.

Mr E

Definitely post of the month, MAJD!

I think the common thread linking all (or most) of these comments in just be yourself.....

- Dave.

s10

nice 1 jd
with all the negative advice
you'll do damage 2 yourself with fustration

i had to have a verbal marathon (2 win my girl), me + a friend who could talk for ire , but when i saw her
i could not let her end up with him
my god i gave my all
from 12.30 to 5am
& my friend was still back n forth ,,, sniffing

so
Go for it

2 Q
how many put downs can u handle in a night
& how long b4 u bounce back

smiles

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt




As it happens......


Yes.

yah missed out putting on their coat for them (women only..not mates)

You should always make the effort to tell people they look well/nice jeans/top etc when they have put in the effort. male or female.

Its easliy done.

You do don't you?

And he tries to make the earth move for women..... but then all he could manage was making the ash-tray move on its own... impressive.

<< Fio >>

sceptre

Nice post MAJD

POTM material

LegacyUser

Originally posted by s10
If you're really desperate, you could try pretend you have a girlfriend, cos it's a well-known phenomenon that your attractiveness to women increases proportional to how long you've been in a relationship.

The way I see this is that men in long term relationships are for the most part not looking for casual sex or the casual shift. They approach conversations with girls in a completely different way. None of the instant fawning or the acting like wanker because they're not thinking of the person they're talking to as a prospective sexual partner. They're being themselves. Chicks like this. Try and act like yourself when single and things will work out.

Oh and listen Minesanalchoholicbeverage. It knows things.

NeMiSiS

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml probably not at all helpfull but enlightening all the same wheh wheh wheh

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

s10

but is it conversation ... i don't think so
i think its smell , hormones ,,?/?
that say your fertile , domant male or somethink strange
like that .,
ok this weeks assignment is to not wash after sex
immediatly run around the street to c if the opposite sex is attracted to you more so than normal
:cool:

STaN

n1 s10













:E

Clintons Cat

~Note To Self

Must Cancel Order For Twenty Gallons Of Marmalade.

fisty

be horribly nice
horribly lewd
horribly good looking
and horribly exciting.
works every time.

LegacyUser

Be yourself and try not to judge a book by it's cover. There is no generic way of approaching a girl that will impress all 3 billion females on the planet. "Treating 'em mean" may work with some girls in the short term but anyone with any self respect doesn't respond particulary well to being treated like ****. If you lik2 someone, let them know. People see through false personas. Just be patient.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by DapperGent

Oh and listen Minesanalchoholicbeverage. It knows things.

It's Minesajackdaniels, and I'm a she thank you.

Honestly, these really aren't difficult concepts to grasp if you try hard enough.

LegacyUser

well that was a interesting comment missjd. unfortunately, I think it is bolloxs. I used to be a bastardo to the ladies and I had a lot of lady friends. I messed up by treating a girl i really liked like **** and then dumped her. Few months down the line, i decided I had made a huge mistake and decided to be a nice guy. Since stopping acting like a *****r, women have been scarce. I don't believe it has anything to do with self-confidence as i have loads of confidence. I reckon it is just too do with the fact that women like men who don't appear interested in them. As to why i have not turned back to being a *****r, my morals have taken hold. So anyone who thinks being nice and treating women like equal, intelligent adults don't! unless you want to become a sexual hermit.

Mossy Monk

patience is a virtue etc. etc.

if you can be patient it will pay off. none of the women i know go for that treat em mean stuff, maybe 1

The Corinthian

Originally posted by DapperGent
Oh and listen Minesanalchoholicbeverage. It knows things.

Eeek, speed read that and you’ll feel queasy... :rolleyes:

Madj is correct in many respects, but so are the rather simplistic observations of the b@stard brigade here. Different women (or men) go for different types at different points in their lives. The same woman may look for an older more experienced and ‘exciting’ men at twenty, a breeding partner with good prospects at thirty and a companion (or a toy boy) at forty. And in this regard men are much the same.

The other thing is, that while many, if not most women, will shy away from the archetypal b@stard, some seek them out - either for the challenge and excitement of possibly taming one or as a proxy to a patriarchal, domineering and often unemotional or even violent father figures in their lives.

So b@stards do get the girls - no matter how old a man gets, there will never be a shortage of nineteen year olds with Electra complexes. But they seldom keep them. Such relationships tend to be short-lived, unstable affairs, and most women grow out of seeking such men by the time they hit twenty-five. And some never do.

It can be very easy for a man to fall into the habit of being such a b@stards. You can easily seduce women in both quantity and quality, while your nicer friends are trapped in monogamous relationships for long periods.

But, if so be sure that you enjoy your own company, because invariably every woman you will ever be with, will be almost perfect, and your own company is all you’ll be able to settle down with in the long run.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by teejay
well that was a interesting comment missjd. unfortunately, I think it is bolloxs.

Why is that unfortunate? Are you in some hitherto undisclosed position of supreme power that means I'm in deep kaka because you don't agree with me?

I used to be a bastardo to the ladies and I had a lot of lady friends. I messed up by treating a girl i really liked like **** and then dumped her. Few months down the line, i decided I had made a huge mistake and decided to be a nice guy. Since stopping acting like a *****r, women have been scarce. I don't believe it has anything to do with self-confidence as i have loads of confidence. I reckon it is just too do with the fact that women like men who don't appear interested in them.

Teejay, make an effort to read posts more closely. I agree completely that you'll score if you're a *****r. It's what you'll score that's the issue - the original poster wants a serious long term relationship with a nice girl. Nice girls don't like *****rs.

As to why i have not turned back to being a *****r, my morals have taken hold. So anyone who thinks being nice and treating women like equal, intelligent adults don't! unless you want to become a sexual hermit.

I think your last sentence invalidates the claim of your second last sentence.

Although since you're having trouble reading, let me clarify this for you.

You, pal, are still a *****r.

Hobnail Monkey

Flippin' heck, there is a lot of bile on this thread today. I think it proves one thing though - guys DO get frustrated and annoyed when they are having a drought of women. And possibly vice versa, but I think I'll need one of the ladies to confirm this for me.:cool:

Dave

So anyone who thinks being nice and treating women like equal, intelligent adults don't!

Right... so treat them like 2nd class, mentally challenged children. Wow you must have picked up some really classy ladies.

BigDaddyKone

well, we all like to spin soothing metaphors about life but they are not true (most of the time). As for me not reading the first post, indeed I did. What I was getting at, to meet women be it in a pub/nightclub ectera.. you need to be confident. A lot of being confident with regards to women, is appearing as if you could do without them. I think most women find needy men a major turnoff. so if you look desperate your chances are very slim. Thus, I think that (as per my prev post) being confident and perhaps a bit of wnkr gets your foot in the door and not in my opinion to a lousy slapper always. I have been out with girlfriends of mine, who are very attractive and get constantly harrassed, the men they fall for (and they are very intelligent) tend to be blokes I would label as wnkrs as well. I am still a wanker perhaps but not in the more successful mode of the past. As for my second last sentence, I am guilty of a bit of hyperbole.

s10

well said ,, except the part about your girlfriends who are s

,, nice ,, friendly ,..
say things like "can't find a decent man "
they should know they prob go through quite a few .

@ none the less

thats my experience with my friends ex's
nice girls , no taste

smiles

MAJD - stop insulting. good points but the insults make them childish.

[mines-an-anal-chocolate...... thats what *my* eyes saw btw.]

teejay - you're flaming.

Stop it both of you.

<< Fio >>

DapperGent

Originally posted by The Corinthian

Eeek, speed read that and you’ll feel queasy... :rolleyes:

Ooops. *slap*