This is a long one - Don't bother clicking this link if you lack patience...

RopeDrink

I hope you have a cup of tea on standby, because this is going to be rather long.

I am posting this thread for a couple of reasons - One being that yes, I have quite a lot of issues on my back, and many people seem to think that posting a thread here might help, despite the fact that when I posted a similar issue thread on Humanities (Before Personal Issues Forum existed) I was pretty much laughed at / ridiculed.

Second reason is that a lot of people have noticed the fact that Im a bit of a moan when it comes to posting on Boards.ie, and I feel that my issues have a slight part to play in that fact.

Thirdly, this will half-explain what type of person I truly am.

If your going to read this at all I'd appreciate it if you didn't just skim through it and predict what I've been saying.
Anyway, here I go.

I was born in London, August the 1st, 1982 where I lived for thirteen years and managed to pass the LCVP in school (Junior Cert for those unaware of the differences in the education systems between Ireland and England) before one day my father turned around and made an on the spot decision to move over to Ireland.

He said it was to "Find Our Roots" but it turned out to be nothing to do with that (I'll explain later)
So by 1995 I was living in Galway, and was very unsettled.
The fact that I had to start secondary school back in first year over here didn't help, meaning three years of schooling over in England immediately went down the toilet.
First set of problems over here arised when I was the target of a multitude of racist comments. The fact that I was English meant that I was percieved as some sort of enemy of the school, and this dragged on for two years until I finally learned to stand up for myself.
This, plus a host of problems I encountered in my early years moulded me into a sort of self degrading, confidence lacking, quiet and timid type of chap.

Before all that, though, we moved to the Rahoon Flats, so the continuous change in homes also made me more unsettled. Grades dropped, I began to lose all forms of concentration and a host of family problems began to emerge. When I was seven my Aunt, suffering from mental problems, commited suicide by jumping infront of a Tube-train. This turned out to be the reason why we moved over to Ireland many years later, not because of the suicide, but the fact that my mother started turning to drink because of the early death of her sister - and she had been taking alcohol a LOT over there in England, behind everyones back - Dad merely thought that moving (Change in environment) might be a step towards kicking her off the booze.
So whilst I was preoccupied fighting against a rake of people in school while also attempting to keep my head screwed on over here, my mothers condition worsened and she suffered two seizures.
It took a while for her to recover, but she did, and she continuously tried to reassure us that she was ok which we believed for a while until 1998 when it turned out she never kicked the habit.

It hit mums birthday that same year, and it was decided that a family get together was in order, so a mass number of relatives on my mothers and fathers side turned up for a memorable night. She seemed perfectly fine, and was having a blast - the lot of us were.
I had to go home early and take care of my younger sister so that my parents could stay out and finish the night off. It hit around three o clock and I still failed to fall asleep, so whilst laying in bed looking up at the ceiling they came home, screaming at eachother. What they were argueing about, I have no idea but it ended after my dad slapped her across the face, breaking her nose. With that my father rushed her to hospital, again leaving me to mind my sister. By now sleep was not a valid option. How can you sleep after that?

The next day it turned out that my dad had a restraining order against him, and was being kicked out of the home after being together for seventeen years. He had a limited ammount of days to get all of his belongings out of the house, and things were getting very emotional. Dad made me promise that we'd remain in contact until things calmed down, and after he had loaded everything he was gone. That day was my first ever experience within an incomplete family.

It was myself, my mother and my sister living in the flats now, and I managed to get a few calls from my father - Mum really didn't want to know so I had to act as the middle man, which really bugged me.
He sent letters with money in them (Mainly because mum wasn't managing too well in her present job as she was being criticised a lot, due to her alcoholism) yet she still managed to persuade me that she was coping fine. Every day was a long one, and I had to come home from school each evening to see the same thing, my mother passed out on the couch. I was pretty much the official benefactor of my sister now that my mum was incapable.

A new set of neighbours moved in next door, the type of people you really despise. It was a family comprised of a mother, a daughter and her slutty friends a son with HIS rough scumbag friends all of whom stayed in the flat together. At first they seemed to stick to themselves, and my mother gratefully accepted an invite over to their for an introductary drinking session. Unfortunately for me, and the scumbags everyone was unaware of the fact that I was still in the flat playing my playstation. Whilst mum was in their flat enjoying the one thing she loved the most, drink, I could hear a whispered conversation outside our front door before a huge collection of bangs could be heard. Pausing the computer, I got up and tip-toed to the spy hole and took a peek.
Turned out that the neighbours son and one of his scum-bag friends were trying to kick our door down, thinking mum was the only occupant of our flat and that it was now empty.

I got really ****ing pissed off at this, and I stayed behind the door looking out to soak in what was happening - They were looking in their own keyhole to make sure my mother didn't know what was going on while the other reared up and kept kicking the door - Two kicks later I unlocked my door and threw it open. Shock and suprise screamed acorss their faces, not expecting anyone to be in.
Furious, I kept loudly asking why they were kicking my door, and what made me more angry was the fact that they kept denying it, even though I had seen the ****ers through the spy hole. Eventually they backed down, calling me a freak and threatening me until I closed the door.
I never shaked so much - anger and upset boiled up and I sat in my chair, wondering what the hell was going on. Mum came home after a while, but I kept the previous events to myself. I dont know why.
From then on I decided to stay at home every day whilst mum worked, just to make sure they didn't try to break in again. The door, due to the kicking, was practically falling off - The door frame was cracked and we could only close one of the two locks. My sister never got to go to school either, and remained caged up in her room everyday, looking out the window at the other kids playing by the swings.

Weeks went by, and things got unbearably repeatetive. Mum would work, I'd sit around all day hoping no one would try to break in, Ashleen (My sister) would sit in her room unable to do anything (and that's the equivelant of hell for a five year old) and dad would always ring but I'd ignore the phone. Mum had filled my head full of bad images and things about my dad, and pretty much turned me against him. Bills mounted, and the phone line was suddenly cut off because no payments were being made (Why? Because mums condition continuously went downhill, and any money she recieved went towards feeding her habit).

She came home from work one day and, in a drunken slur, kicked me out of the house with my sister for no real reason so I decided to sit on the swings and let Ashleen play out for the first time in months. All was ok until the bloke who tried to break in, along with a couple of his scumbag pals on bikes, decided to pay me a visit. I couldn't do anything. Fighting one meant fighting the lot, so I stood there and took a mountain of abuse and threats because I "accused them of kicking my door". Again I kept this to myself.

Mum had no idea what the guy was like and I discovered a few weeks later that he began a new approach, and that was to sweet talk his way into our home - Being half pissed all the time, mum easily fell for his act, thinking he was just a nice chap being neighbourly, and after time they became regular visitors. They couldn't do anything whilst I was there though, but they always muscled their way into various rooms to see what we had in the home. When they left after one of their visits I spilled my guts and attempted to explain that they were a bunch of thieving scumbags, but of course she believed they were ok and disregarded everything I had to say - even the fact that they were the ones who damaged our front door.
Another month passed and I had barely seen the outside world - The furthest I ventured from my home by now was the swings outside, so I decided to pick one night and go out with a couple of close friends. To my horror the one night I was ready to go, the bastard visited again, and jeeringly sat in our front room encouraging me to go and 'have a good time' with a dire evil smile on his ugly face.
I decided to go out, just this once and so I did. When I came back a couple of hours later I found a box outside our front door, containing my playstation and a control pad (There were two initially).
Opening the door I found my mum passed out in her room, and my room practically empty. Music tapes, money, computer and various other things were missing. Ornaments from the front room, and my mothers purse were also missing.

RopeDrink

Knocking together some courage I went next door and banged loudly - Low and behold, scumbag opened the door trying to look concerned. After fruitlessly asking what the **** happened to my stuff his lame reply was 'Oh, I just found your stuff there'. It was painfully obvious what had happened, but I couldn't do anything.
The only reason he couldn't keep the playstation itself was because I had a FF7 Sticker all over the top of it (Now torn to shreds - they couldn't get the whole thing off so it'd be really stupid if they were caught with a playstation that had a ripped purple sticker on the top).

A few nights later I developed a throat infection, and couldn't help but complain to my mother who really had no interest and began to slate me. I dont know why she did, but she simply wouldn't do anything for me except insult and ridicule me until my throat clammed up and I suffered a mild panic attack with which I had to have a friend drag me to hospital. This was shortly after midnight.
I went home four hours later.

On two seperate occasions I attempted suicide.
Suicide seemed a good option because I was being held responsible for my sister (Who was becoming extremely hard to handle, and she really stressed me out) along with continuously being slated and verbally abused by my drunken mother, whilst trying to handle the fact that I'd been cooped up in the flat for almost half a year without venturing outside and because recent sicknesses I was inflicted with (Ear Ache's, migrains and throat troubles) really dragged me down.
Firstly I tried an overdose, which failed to succeed because a short time after swallowing a rake of pills I threw them up again by making myself sick. I was also prepared to slit my wrists, but I couldn't handle it and dropped the idea. Both attempts went unnoticed, and life continued.

The bastards from next door kept visiting, and mum was still convinced they were ok people and I was starting to lose control of myself. One night I picked a fight with her, screaming at her for being blind towards the surrounding situations emerging, and the fact that she seemed to be a lot more pissed than usual. She abrubtly ended the battle with a threat of totally having me kicked out of the house. At that point I thought that I could prove a point, so decided to leave myself. Walking out of the flat, I went to the next estate to my friends house (The Kelly's they were - Three sisters who I got to know when I first moved over - probably the first few friends I made over here and are still my friends to date) - they offered a sympathetic ear and a chance to stay over, so I did.

7:30 next morning I woke up and headed back home. After opening the door I realised that things were a bit too quiet. I briskly checked the kitchen, my room, ashleens room and finally mums room.
I nearly collapsed. The bed was caked in blood and vomit, and in the middle of it was my mum who was enduring a massive seizure. Foam was seeping out of her mouth, blood out of her nose, she kept kicking the air and was murmering very quietly. I think I stood there for three minutes before I realised what, exactly, was happening and I ran out of the flat to one of the other ones upstairs trying to get some help. The phones were down so I couldn't call an ambulance from my flat, and I had no mobile. One of the ladies upstairs came down and turned my mum on her side, trying to get her to breath whilst throwing her mobile at me and telling me to get an ambulance.

One thing you'll notice over in Ireland is that the emergency services have the reaction time equal to that of an arthritic snail, so it took ages for the ambulance to arrive. Three people turned up, inspected the room and my mother - The seizure couldn't be controlled so we had to move her to the ambulance immediately. I, along with the three doctors, had to carry my mother down three flights of stairs on a handle stretcher whilst a pile of people from all over the place surrounded the ambulance trying to get an idea as to what happened. Everyones eyes were on my mother, as she was shoved into the back. I crawled in after her, leaving the lady who helped me to look after the flat. A long emotional trip later we came to the hospital were she was carted off to a ward where I couldn't stay with her, so I had to stand outside for three hours with no seat before someone came to visit me.

What was said will haunt me for some time.
After explaining what I knew to the nurse I was told that "the ammount of alcohol she had consumed over that one year was the equivelant of consuming two bottles of whiskey a day for 25 years. Her liver had basically melted inside of her and because blood wasn't being filtered properly it got to her brain, she succumbed to violent seizures. The lack of oxygen in the blood meant that she also suffered permenant brain damage, and that she had basically no chance of recovery. If you had found her a minute later, she would have definately not have made it into hospital".
She is now in a permanant coma, and that was it, my mother was now practically vegitated because she over indulged on the one thing that she thought could cure her problems.
Dad was called and his restraining order was dropped so that he may now take control over me and Ashleen. The ammount of tears I saw over the next few days was terrifying. I was still too shocked to cry, and had to watch as my entire family broke down in upset. I was questioned by the cops and the hospital staff, and also by my dad who, to this very day, still believes I had something to do with what happened, or that I knew something about what happened but wasn't telling anyone.
For an entire month I was being drilled, criticised and questioned by practically everyone around me.

Me, dad and Ashleen moved to the flat directly below our old one. It was impossible to live in a flat that reeked of blood and spew, and it'd be hard to stay in that flat after what had happened. Also, the fact that the door was pretty badly smashed was another good reason so we moved our belongings to the flat below, and on several occasions we met that scumbag ****er on the stairwell. If he saw me alone, he'd call me a sick freak for doing that to my mother, and his scumbag friends would whisper about how *I* was the one that "Beat his mother up into a coma" but when my dad was around they'd hurl insults at him, and once even tried to hit him but the fact that he's six foot three and looks like a tree trunk meant that they thought twice after he put them in their place.

I returned to my schooling after missing the entire fourth year and could not settle in.
The racial difference was now uninteresting to everyone, and from then on I downward spiralled into a "I dont give a ****" attitude where I continuously took days off school and fell back in my studies severely. All my old school friends were gone, and I was just the bloke with "Problems" that no one wanted to go near because they assumed I'd expect sympathy or a shoulder to cry on.
Life at my new home was painful. I couldn't escape dad and his continuous questioning, Ashleen had developed a learning disability, negative attitude and lack of concentration because of her loss in education, and I was becoming more irate and broody than usual, which gave everyone another reason to avoid me.

Mum was moved from Galway Regional Hospital to Merlin Park hospital, and now Mullingar Hospital which is actually a place where the dying are kept (Or older generation of sick patients).
We visit every fortnight and have done so for three years. There is little hope for her, and every visit causes emotional distress. Doctors say that she can still actually see and hear us, but cannot respond and it hurts when you go up to the hospital and tell her how your doing, knowing that you'll never get a single form of response. She always seems in pain, and she has also shrivelled up because she lacks the ability to move freely. Her fists are clentched together, she has a tube that goes into her stomach to feed her, she's basically disfigured her own teeth by clenthing them together continuously and even if she did come around she'd still be handicapped due to the brain damage.
It is a horrific sight, and one that will scar me for life.

My grand father passed two years later, making life temporarily harder for my dad who was trying to adapt to being the sole minder of two kids, keep the house in order and maintain his line of work whilst I finally completed my schooling, and managed to pass my LC, but dismally failed a level 2 IT course because I lacked patience and interest. Im still regaining my morals and have lost the "I dont give a ****" attitude, which is now filled with a rather neutral and boring personality (Yet I contain a mild psychotic side that comes out sometimes). I've adopted the ability to listen to other peoples problems, and have become more sociable, yet also a little bit more arrogant and moany. Despite the fact that I've made an exceptional number of friends over the years I always feel lonely and depressed, but I can still manage to go out and have a laugh. Im generally an ok bloke, and can be as solid as a rock but lately my past experiences have creeped up on me unexpectedly. There could be a moment when Im sitting down and keeping myself occupied on my PC when I suddenly break down crying, thinking about things that've happened, and generally the slightest insult can catapult me into an enraged frenzy or crying session.

RopeDrink

One example would be at one of the previous Galway Drinks sessions were myself, AngelWhore, Kharn, Kayos, Syxpac, Ronan|Raven and a host of other people got together for a good old pissup where we all planned to get pissed and have a laugh. An innocent "mother" related comment against me, which I generally would have laughed at, struck a chord and I broke down into a sobbing upset mess infront of everyone. It wasn't anyones fault - Only AngelWhore knew about what had happened so I never thought much of it after I realised how pathetic I must have seemed. I think I've done that twice now in public, but many many times alone.

I don't particularly like talking about my problems - I prefer to bottle them up - And don't bother telling me that it's bad for you - I know it is, but it's my way of dealing with issues. Some days I just explode into uncontrolable rage or upset and this causes havoc and arguements at home which also get me very upset and hurt.

I haven't really told many people on boards or online about my problems, because of one philosophy I've stated many times in the past and that is no matter how many problems you have, or how bad they are, there is always going to be someone out there with worse problems than yourself.
I don't expect sympathy from anyone, and most of the times I actually hate recieving it. Im quite happy being a clammed up disgruntled moany twat that lives life with little interest in the future, and a growing lack of interest in pretty much everything bar myself. Thats another thing thats grown on me lately - Selfishness.

There is so much more I could have added to the above, and quite a lot of other side problems that have arrisen (or already rised) during my life but I feel that this thread is now long enough as it is.
It may not seem much to you but I've merely explained the problem briefly - Everyday these little things crop up relating to what happened and I suffer mystery effects because of them. Someone could come up to me, simply concerned about my mother and ask how she's doing. The question alone really brings me down and often places me in a long term mood.

Thankfully I've settled down slightly and am coping ok. It took six years, but I got there.
Things are looking slightly better since I was interviewed for a position as Administrator in a Computer Factory, but am currently doing deliveries for a supermarket - Just something simple for now before I reapply for a college course and try to better myself. I've had jobs in Sales, security and Hygiene but most of them ended abrubtly due to gastric inflamation (One of many illnesses that I've suffered over time).

Im sure quite a number of you wont read all of the above, and if you have you'll probably sigh and think "Thats it!?", or even have a few snide comments for me like the last time I bothered saying anything in regards to a few of my turmoils. I don't want sympathy, I just want your feedback - positive or negative.

Also, considering that I've been through a wide range of seperate other issues, I'll be more than happy to listen and comment / help on any issues people may be enduring. If you choose to do so, give me a PM. I dont visit this board at all really, so throw me a message, or give me an email at RopeDrink@localbar.com

Thanks for your time.

bombidol

wow

RopeDrink

I take it that means you lack patience...

simpsons rule

i shead a tear

Gordon

I certainly hope that this isn't the last time you visit the PI board.

I don't know what to say mate. I can't possibly imagine your situation but I almost feel as if I am there from your explanation. Again, I am totally stunned, I don't know what to say.

Except thank you, and please stay on here.

No-one knew of your situation before now, I think it is such a healthy thing to let people know. I understand keeping it all in but sometimes - like today - you just have to open up. Please don't let anyone deter you from doing this again.

Thank you

koneko

You'll be glad to hear (read?) that I read through every word of that, and have to say I really admire you for posting this, and doing so well in coping with all of it. You've been through a lot, a lot more than generally... well.. everyone. I don't think anyone can say "That's it" and honestly believe it.

There's not much I can give in the way of advice, as I'm pretty much the same. I'm always very reluctant to share anything personal with people I know, let alone people I don't know (on the "interweb"). As you said already, it's probably bad, but you can't help it. I always feel that if I were to share personal feelings like these with people, that they'd think less of me. Which is a stupid thing to think, but people can be stupid.

After everything that's happened things can only go up for you. Sounds like things will work out in the job front, and it already sounds like you have people that genuinely care about you, and you can go out and have fun with.

This reply (from me) was probably completely pointless. Just wanted to say bravo.

Figment

They say it all. Thank you for sharing.
/me goes home to hug girlfriend for the night

bombidol

I read every word man . Respect.

Kolodny

That's a hell of a lot to have to deal with and you seem to be doing a fantastic job of it. I'm glad you've shared your story, and I hope if you ever want to discuss any of it at any time you'll post here again or contact people here, I think you'll find a lot of support

You're a true survivor!

Beruthiel

I read every word Ropedrink!
there is nothing I can say to it - except you have put any little problem I had right into perspective. I have nothing but respect for you to have survived through such a horrific time. I wish you nothing but the best for your future.

PPC

Read it all too.
I'm speachless.

Hope the job goes through for you.

kayos

Ropey I read ever last word and all I can say "played".

I remember that night in the Blue Note and hell man no-one though you were a moaner or anything like it I think you will find if you ask ppl they where worried in the way any friend would be.

One thing I will say is dont bottle up all your problems. Find someone you can talk to easily and talk. You've been through a lot and you will/do need help to get your life totaly back on track.

Also you can explain to my boss why I have got no work done in the past 30 minutes .

Played man played,

kayos

Borzoi

read every word, glued to it in fact.

I know you doon't want sympathy, so I won't offer.

But the one thing that I noticed is your own attitude is strong, determined - I can see you on the recovery road.

So insted of sympathy, you have my hope. Bestof luck with it.....

BEAT

Ropedrink,
I printed this out and read it on my lunch hour at work, I read every word, I cried and wished I could just hug you. I know you dont want sympathy, but i really am sorry you had to go through all of this, I am an emotional person and cant help but want to be there for you, and anyone who needs someone in these situations. I agree with Beruthial in that, reading this has made me realize how petty my problems are/were and instead of me spending time dwelling on my so called "problems" I can get out there and try to be there for someone who needs a helping hand.
I am probably babbling at this point, but I just dont know what else to say.
Good luck to you in all you do, I wish nothing but the best for you in your future.
Feel free to contact me if ever you feel like making a new friend.

stereo_steve

I read the whole thing too. Thats some story! I don't think any of us can truely understand how tough it was for you. I hope things pick up for you and you get that job.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Lex_Diamonds

I read it all, and it made me really sad to hear about your past Rope.

There is nothing else I can add, except that I admire your strength and how you have coped.

Did you ever consider seeing a councellor of some sort? I think someone in that field could really help you. (please dont take that as an insult)

BEAT

wow, mercury...although I sypmathize with ropedrink...I can definitly see your point and where you are going with that.
I would want someone to give it to me straight as well...I wish I had said something a bit more, oh I dunno, knowledgable myself...I however replied right away still feeling sad.
I totally agree with mercury tilt, I hope you can use his information to better help yourself in your situation. There is a way out of the dark...be strong and open and you will find it.
Great replies from everyone!
I hope they help you ropedrink.;)

Eeyore

I read every last word and all I can say is "Respect". It took alot for you to stand up and tell your story. Like it was said before, it puts everything into perspective.

They say that it is not good to keep things bottled up but that is easier said than done. It takes alot to let things go.

Well done and keep in there.

El Marco

Well I read it all and i suppose I have nothing to add just utter respect. This is the most meaningful tread on the PI boards and this is why its here.

stereo_steve

Have to disagree with you there Mercury_Tilt. No one has the ideal life but clearly Ropedrink had a pretty awful childhood. You can't just dismiss it by quoting other stories. The reason he posted above was just for people to listen, not criticise.

Ropedrink has already said above that he realises that there are a load of people worse off than him. Just pick anyone in a third world country.

I can relate to what you said about the blind man though. I was was eating a sandwich last summer and was too full to finish it. I put half of it in the bin. After I saw a kid taking the sandwich out to eat. I felt terrible, there was me to full to eat and he was starving.


[edit]Have to learn how to spell properly![/edit]

LegacyUser

Originally posted by kayos


I remember that night in the Blue Note and hell man no-one though you were a moaner or anything like it I think you will find if you ask ppl they where worried in the way any friend would be.

damned straight, I remember that night too and have to agree with kayos full on here.

Originally posted by kayos

One thing I will say is dont bottle up all your problems. Find someone you can talk to easily and talk. You've been through a lot and you will/do need help to get your life totaly back on track.

true also, it's rarely a good Idea to keep everything bottled up inside.. it might feel like the right thing to do, you might feel like you're getting some kind of strength from the anger and bitterness that wells up, but it's false and in the end is doing more harm than good.. a lot more harm...

you know yourself like, you're a sound bloke, and there are always people here for you to talk to. I don't know who laughed at you on the humanities forum, but that sure as hell won't happen here.

respect man

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

sod, forgot to log in. unregistered there above is me

chernobyl

My problems are mine and that makes them mich bigger issues to me than your problems but only from my perspective but im not getting into a dik size contest..Merc?

RopeDrink: hope the scales tilt to the other exteme for you.

Tellox

Read it all.
Dont know what to say... almost began crying when reading it.. I cant imagine anybody having a life like that.. Im really sorry man

good luck with that job..

Cake Fiend

I don't particularly like talking about my problems - I prefer to bottle them up - And don't bother telling me that it's bad for you - I know it is, but it's my way of dealing with issues. Some days I just explode into uncontrolable rage or upset and this causes havoc and arguements at home which also get me very upset and hurt.

That is not the way to go about things. Really. I used to go along with your 'way of dealing with issues' but I realized it did more harm than good. It's never easy to talk about bad experiences, especially very traumatic and long-bottled-up ones, but if you don't deal with problems properly they'll always keep resurfacing in your mind. The only way to deal properly with life-altering trauma is to get it out in the open and talk to friends/professional help about it to help accept problems and get on with a more normal life.
Posting here about your experiences is a big step - you're taking the floor in front of hundreds of people, many of whom know you personally, and airing your worries publicly. Hopefully responses you get from your post will make you realize that it helps to 'get things off your chest' and may possibly encourage you to talk to someone who is professionally trained to help you deal with your problems.

A friend of mine's mother died of cancer when he was quite young. It drastically changed his personality, but he kept it bottled up for years, only getting angry at anyone who tried to talk to him about it. It was only in his mid teens that he talked to friends about how his mother's death affected him, his relations with family members, etc. Only after getting his thoughts off his chest did he seem to be able to accept and deal with the trauma.

Chowmein

I read every word, and it brought me very close to crying. It made the problems i am having seem like nothing in comparison. If i where you, i would prob be dead right now because i dont think i would be strong enough to cope with all than. I hope the job thing goes well for you. And i agree with lexx, you should see a psycologist/psychitrist (plz dont take it as an insult) as they are there to help.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Chowmein

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt

[edit..meh found all me happy thoughts again]

I hope the happy toughts stay with you Mercury

Kegser

The experiences of your life mould and shape you into the person you are.... as all future experiences will continue to do.... even the bad ones.

I know for a fact Ropey that bottling your feelings up is not good; I've been on the sharp end of that stick before.

I also know for a fact your a bloody great bloke; and you're probably too hard on yourself sometimes.... although I guess I haven't really spoken to you in a good while.

I reckon it took bravery to post that, and fair play to you to... I don't think I'd be able to do anything like that.... I guess I like having my own little packages and don't really want to have them opened just yet.

And as far as being arrogant and selfish, everyone needs a certain amount of the two otherwise you'll be used as a doormat and overlooked.

And by the way you baxtard, you still owe me a pint

Blitzkrieger

It's hard to know what to say. You said that you know other people have greater problems than you, but that doesn't mean your's aren't significant. Even after reading that, I can't imagine what you and your sister went through, and I know that your problems aren't over. Everybody's spouting 'It's good to talk' pop-psychology crap, and maybe it is, but we're probably not the ones you should talk to. You said you didn't want sympathy, but I can't help but feel it, along with respect. I hope there are happier times ahead for you.

BeatTun

f u c k

what do u say to something like that?
i read all of it and im speechless

ropedrink i know you dont want sympathy, but it cant be helped

its very harrowing and all i can say is that i will think of your story the next time i think i have it bad, and i will think twice.

respect, and well done for talking about it, things will get better.

Turner

Pm Andy,.

Yurmasyurda

Hey Rope, just thought I'd say it's always good to get that off your chest. I've only one bit of advice that I currently use myself "never live in the past" it will just eat you up and spit you out, as you said you feel happier now and are getting on with your life which is always good. Also it's allowed to be selfish ;-) I have a story too like many other people but I won't share it because now I feel happier in my life. I'm living in the present and the future now.

The Clown Man

Andrew,

I think I've been through the philosophies of life with you before on some mad drunken session or other and told you of life stories that were thankfully not mine, but again I'll say that it is your attitude on life that makes you such an admirable person. In the end it is the way that you deal with the hardships of life that seem to pop up out of the blue that makes you the stronger person in the end.

It is true to say that there is always someone who has it worse than you, but, it is the way that you deal with your own problems that makes you who you are. Everyone has their own problems, and whether it be mild or severe in comparison to the next, it is always your own problems that need to be conquered before you can look at the problems of others. It is human nature to regard your own problems as the most serious (as they are the most influential in the end) and in that respect it is only down to you to best the problems in life that everyone faces.

The fact standing is that you have a more substantial amount of life issues than most people have and this cannot be denied. I have heard many life issues of different people and while yours is among the most severe I have heard, you hold the advantage of turning these issues to your own good. This is a fundemental part of learning to deal with life (remember that no-one gets out of life alive - it is the way you live your life that makes the difference.) As a result of these issues you have overcome, you stand stronger than most persons here in that you can deal with personal grief in a way that very few of us can. You have been made a stronger person as a result of your hardship. Always keep this in mind as it is a serious advantage in later life.

You must be sure however that you have overcome the grievances that have been dealt to you. In overcoming these you have affirmed yourself as a stronger individual than most. You can now deal with anything that falls below your experiences that most people cannot. I am confident in saying that you are as sound a bloke as I have met. Life, from what I hear, is not altogether fair. Always remember that your own grievances have made you better equipped to deal with whatever life throws at you. And from what I hear there is a lot in store for you yet.

All this can be turned to your own good because, in the end, everyone must be selfish to survive. I only hope that your experiences on the unfairness of life can prepare you for the unfairness yet to come. Because the unfairness of life is usually a surprise to most.

I cannot claim to have experienced half of what you have but every dissapointment is part of the learning experience. You, by all standards, are more experienced than most. You are more learnéd than most. You possess an education that is more profound and more harsh, but more effective than most here.

I only hope that you can use this education to your advantage and see it for what it is to you. You have a superior view on life that can only reward benefits. After all, as I'm sure you'll agree, things can only get better. I have absolute faith in you that you will turn your experiences to reward benefit to yourself. Thus, you will be satisfied with life.

I also recommend that you read "A Child Called It" by David Pelzer and the following books to gain appreciation of the advantages that an early life of hardship can create. The author is an inspiring individual. It may help you appreiciate yourself. While the circumstances may be different, the end effect is the same.

Anyway.

Good luck Andy.

Sean.

WhiteWashMan

well, we all have our issues in life, some more extreme than others. my unsolicited advice is to go and talk to someone. go to a professional. a councellor. having hd my own fair amount of rubbishy life tales to tell, i spent a long time talking to someone who basically helped me to show myself how to get through it.

it sounds clichéd, but it helps. and it was only through being pushed into it by someone that i went, but i found that it really did help. i used to scream and cry and bawl and howl in there, but when i came out, i felt so fantastic. i also learned to stop blaming myself for things that were not my fault and not my responsibility. and that is the best thing to lose. the feeling of self blame.

im not sure who you get in contact with one, but you can try the hospital. they will always have a phyciatrist tere, and s/he will be able to give you the phone numbers of councellors who you can see.

the hardest step is the first one. but once you start, you will find that the thoughts and ideas that kept you back seem to strip away, and one day, like me, i hope you come into a session and find out you have nothing more to say. i sat down and i looked at my councellor and i said nothing. she asked what id like to talk about and i laughed. i laughed so hard i cried. i went over to her and i hugged her, and i kissed her on the cheek and i cried some more and then laughed and cried. it was a good moment. it was a beautiful moment actually.

i hope you see it someday.....

smiles

Well, I think you know at this stage what my opinion of you is (it's good for those who're reading and don't know).

I thought you were too hard on yourself before, and after reading that all I can say is that you're a damn good guy and that you deserve a lot of respect.

Wwm is right, it does help to talk, whether you want to talk here, to a councellor, or to anyone, i think people are a lot more willing to just listen than you'd think.

Mercury_tilt - i'm afraid when i read your post first i thought you were being a little harsh, Ropeh said that he know there were people worst off than him, and everyone has their own problems and things to deal with.

People's problems seem terrible on their own, in contrast some will seem less important, but to that person who experiences them they will be the hardest and most difficult challenges.

Heads up everybody.

Respect to RopeDrink

*hug*

<< Fio >>

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

seamus

Well, everyone has pretty much said more than I could. All I say is don't be so hard on yourself - You had me in stitches at the Boards Beer (Don't think you'd remember though ). Plyd.

Shiminay

Well Andy me aul flower!

Fair play man - it does the soul good to just have a brain dump like that.

So, you know where I live, you know what's likely to be there waiting for ya, so make sure we see more of your ugly mug in 33 (the only condition is Ken can't come and reclaim his cans in our fridge)!!!

Anyway, You know the drill - if you need a mate's second opinion, you have it

Be cool.

hedgetrimmer

I, too, read every word, and wish I could offer more than words to you. My past hasn;t been the best either. The only thing I can offer you is the guidance of a wonderful, wonderful lady, who is a doctor, doctor of complimentary medicine, counsellor and saint.

I can happily give you her details offlist.

The only other thing I can offer you in my hope and my thoughts.

smiles

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt

I did not think I was. Giving hugs is not going to help.

I'm sure you didn't, i was just saying how it appeared to me.

I didnt ssay hugs were going to help, they don't change anything, it was a gesture of support from me.

If you wander around focusing on the bad things in you life and using it as an excuse for all the/your badness...well you are only going to find yourself in a perpetual circle...that gets harder to break.

I was under the impression this was written in the vain of " this is why I am narky" etc.and replied accordingly.

I dont think he's focusing on bad things, nor using it as an excuse, and i think it was an explanation of why he reacts to some things, imo he's not generally narky.

<< Fio >>

Gordon

By the way, feel free to rate this thread people.

WhiteWashMan

actually, i agree with merc_tilt.
being proactive is far more important than a quick fix hug.

besides, having a shít life makes you appreciate the god thigns more. and, you will always have to take the critisms with the ovations.

RopeDrink

First of all, thanks to anyone who read the story fully. I think it's the first time anyone has ever fully read one of my rants...

Alas, I must step up and make a few statements...

I never posted this as an excuse as to why I rant quite a lot (Although it did play a part in moulding my personality this way - I explained this point before I even started typing the main story)

Secondly - Mercury Tilt I appreciate / respect / accept what you are saying, so thank you - Im not looking for sympathy (As I said) and I wasn't expecting people to feel sorry for me so that when I get rantish they think "Oh, gee well he has issues so lets all leave him alone!" - I posted it because the problem still seems to crop up every so often (even after three years thinking you've just gotten over it) so I thought it might be nice to throw my experiences in here...
When you say I should use my problems as a springboard for better things, well, I did come in here and offer my ear to anyone who may have similar problems that they may want to discuss didn't I? there is not much else I can springboard to yet - It's too early... Im finding it hard to concentrate at work, so once I'm settled in I'll probably return to college and finish the courses I started last year.

WWM, thanks for that - I was offered the chance to recieve appointments from a therapist pretty much immediately after my mother went comatose so I took one session and disliked it greatly... I know it may have been helpful, but the things she was asking me about, so soon after the events, made me want to kill someone. Maybe now would be the time, seeing as Im more focussed. Cheers.

To all the rest of you (Especially those that know me personally) I read all of your replies and humbly thank you for the support. I thought it would have partially explained my edgyness / depression during drinking sessions.

To everyone else, don't shed a tear or offer me hugs - Just remember what I said at the end of the story - You can always throw me a PM if you wish to have a chat about anything - beit my problems, similar experiences you've had etc...

Other than that all I can say is thanks a million for reading my story. I've looked at all the replies so far and some of them made me feel a lot lighter, so thank you.
I've got to rush back to work now, so take care of yourselves.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by RopeDrink

WWM, thanks for that - I was offered the chance to recieve appointments from a therapist pretty much immediately after my mother went comatose so I took one session and disliked it greatly... I know it may have been helpful, but the things she was asking me about, so soon after the events, made me want to kill someone. Maybe now would be the time, seeing as Im more focussed. Cheers..

no problem. you cant rush it. you need to want to do it.
you sound like you are at a stage where you can get something useful out of it.
it will take time.
and buy a double box of kleenex.

Baldy

Response Sent m8
check that ole email of your and gimme a shout if you have any questions!

Kix

Rope,

I just read the whole thing. It was a real kick to the guts to me just reading it.

I'll back WWM up - see a counciler. I went through a difficult time a couple of years ago - different sort of stuff but hey - and I took some counciling because while the anti-d's leveled me I wasn't really dealing with my real problems. At the time I didn't think that it was doing me much good and I couldn't understand why the counciler was focusing on things I didn't feel were that important. I took another year or two just to see the good it had actually done.

Seriously too, I know we've barely met but if I can ever help - if you just need a chat, consider me there - sincerely. I'm not a big socialiser - my relationship with drink isn't what it once was, if you see what I mean - but I can always find the time for a chat.

K

cartman

No mercury dats bullsh*t.. I no every1 has problems and the little girl has a lot of problems and the blind ppl but ffs man.. hes been goin through this nearly his whole fu*kin life u cant compare them to dat and i no no1 has a perfect life but ropes life is more than his parents not fu*kin pickin her up.Im not tryin to argue wit you and i respect ur point but its wrong,very wrong...
Rope i read it all and iv never felt so sad id say in a all my life it took me ages as im a slow reader but fair play and i wish u all the best..
Its hard for ppl to reply to something like this most of us well me anyways just sit a the keyboard thinkin of something to say and the fact is dat we cant really say anything its just awful....
good look with the job