30 year old virgin

Man1975

I’m 30, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never even had a one night stand. I really can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I do have a sex drive, and I’m attracted to women not men. I ache for intimacy, for that close friendship, and yes, sometimes I’m just sexually frustrated too. I’m pretty shy, and not particularly gorgeous or charming, but shier, uglier, duller men seem to find their match. I think I’m pretty normal in other ways, have mates and always get on well with everyone I work with. I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.
Anyone have suggestions? Anyone know a psychologist or other professional who can help? Do any of you women know someone like me, and know what makes some men just non-starters?

Beruthiel

Man1975 wrote:

I ache for intimacy

this comment stands out as the reason you're probably not able to score - I'm afraid women can sense desperation from across the room, don't ask me how, it just always seems obvious and most women will run from it.
Might I suggest that you stop trying so hard, just chat to women like their a mate

I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.


what have you done to try and change it from friendship?
have you asked them out on a date?
being shy doesn't help, you need to work on your confidence. Once you start seeing women like human beings, like your mates, it should come easier for you

Sleepy

I'm guessing a lack of confidence or a lack of trying. I've only ever "accidently" woken up beside someone a couple of times and even those would be times where I've just gotten drunk and gone off the instincts developed from chatting up women in the past.

Try to approach new women in a way that lets them know that you *are* a sexual being, not just someone who can be a brotherly friend. It may sound daft but you can let a woman know this purely with your eyes, smile at her in a way that says "I'm going to be giving you orgasms later!" and you'll find you end up in the "friend zone" less and as a potential partner more. Obviously don't do that the whole night or she'll think you're a sex-crazed freak but if she cracks a joke that has a racy punchline or makes a double-entendre etc, smile at her in that fashion.

That said, I've been single quite a while myself now so you might want to take my advice with a pinch of salt!

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

this comment stands out as the reason you're probably not able to score - I'm afraid women can sense desperation from across the room, don't ask me how, it just always seems obvious and most women will run from it.

Very true, its taking me years to figure out that you all have ESP ;o) Its amazing that most times you make too much effort with a girl you're going home alone.

pdunno

I think you need to up your confidence a little and not be afraid of being turned down once in a while. As Beruthial asked

"what have you done to try and change it from friendship?"

I think this is a very important aspect, you have to actually make some effort, it's not as though if you sit in a corner a string of women will come up dying to make love to you. It's all about talking to people, making an effort and chancing your arm once in a while!!

Red Alert

the fact that you ache for intimacy is what's obvious to women, like B said. it looks like you're desperate or that you're going to get with them and cling there for ever. for the record how far exactly have you got with anybody?

i first scored someone in my very late teens - i met one of the girls from my class in the pub and she brought two of her mates along, K and L. I knew K from before, but i'd never met L. i wasn't remotely thinking about scoring anyone that evening, which was a change from a run of 'crash and burn' weeks since the term started. i was talking to L for a while on her own 'cos the other two bumped into someone they knew. we all decided to finish up the night with shots, so myself and L were quite trashed by this stage so aisling tells me to make sure L gets home and "have fun on the way"! well myself and L only made it as far as the little wall at the estate entrance and sat there for about an hour chatting about this and that, and then i guess it just happened. went out with the gang and L a couple more times, never got into a relationship but still it's a good memory!

the point of my not-unusual first score story is that although i realised i was gettin a bit old compared to some of the other lads so this was worrying me a bit, i didn't go out that night with the intention of trying desperately to kiss or have sex with anybody. whatever aisling might or might not have said to L in the ladies about me is an open question. of course i thought L was attractive but we weren't talking about any lovey-dovey stuff at all in the pub.

also, relationships and sex/intimacy are related but not totally dependent. it's not clear to me from your post whether you're in fact looking for a one-night stand or a relationship - are you looking in the right place for what you want?

Man1975

Thanks all for that advice: it’s very constructive, and I’ll try to use it.
I seem to be in a catch-22 situation: if women found me attractive I would be confident. If I had a sexual partner I would not be desperate. But it’s hard to be confident when I evidently repel women, and it’s hard not to be desperate when I have twenty years of sexual frustration inside.
Also, I’m not sure whether I’m too forward and desperate, or too timid and passive. I don’t know if I’m treating women too much like mates and seeming non-sexual, or treating them too much like potential sexual partners and coming across as desperate. Of course, it’s a lot to ask you to tell me which I’m doing wrong from my posts. Maybe I don’t make my intentions clear to women, but then it’s hard to shrug off rejections when confidence is pretty low already.
When I say I ache, I mean that I really need to do something about my situation: some people like being on their own, but I don’t. I don’t know how clearly that comes across in day-to-day conversation.
On the one hand, I’m told to see women like my mates, on the other I’m told they have an inexplicable sixth sense.
The fact that I’m having trouble making sense of the replies from females is, of course, a symptom of my disease.
Anyway, thanks again, I’ll reflect on what you say, and further advice very welcome.

Khannie

Riddle me this: Would you feel better about yourself if you scored a one night stand?

One suggestion I'd offer is to ask your mates for some advice. They may have noticed you do something / don't to something that people here will never know from your posts.

As a general rule, when you're single and going out on a night out, make sure you're well dressed and smell nice. Looking good makes you feel good which increases confidence. Have several sets of nice clothes if you can afford to.
Also, and this may be overstepping the mark, but consider "sorting yourself out" before you go out. That way you're not going out with a loaded gun.

dramaqueen

If you find yourself stuck in limbo between friendship and desperation, I suggest you clear up the confusion. If you fancy someone, say so. It doesn't have to be clingy. I don't know any girl who doesn't like to be told that she's desirable. It doesn't have to be a pressure if you say it right.
I would also suggest joining a dating agency. At least there everyone is on the same page.
What's the worst that could happen????????

Kell

A mate of mine is in a similr situation, but it doesnt seem to bother him.

Anyways- I see your predicament ref being unable to read the signals if you have never taken anything any further. The other way to look at it is to try it on with everything that moves (in the nicest possible way of course and while absolutely sober). You'll figure out the signals and might just surprise yourself with the results.

Make it obvious that you are actually chatting the person up but keep a smile on your face that says "if I dont get anywhere it'll be no skin off my nose". Also saves you from getting into the lamentable "friend" category, though they can be good breeding grounds for future relationships too if you push the boat out.

K-

chern0byl

dramaqueen wrote:

I don't know any girl who doesn't like to be told that she's desirable.

Depends who its coming from.If she doesnt find you remotely attractive then she wont like it. If you make a comment like "your sexy" and walk off, it wont matter whos saying it to her, but it will keep her interested.

dramaqueen

chern0byl wrote:

Depends who its coming from.If she doesnt find you remotely attractive then she wont like it. If you make a comment like "your sexy" and walk off, it wont matter whos saying it to her, but it will keep her interested.

I totally agree. That's what I mean by

It doesn't have to be a pressure if you say it right.

Even if you don't fancy the guy, it's always nice to think that someone fancies you. (As long as he's not slimy around you!)

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he might give you some ideas on speed dating and stuff
thats what u need speed dating.

+ dont let it bother you too much, its not the end of the world.

cheer up, come on give us a smile, always look on the birght side of life do do de de doo

6th

Bit shouldnt get a bad response on here but i get surprised on boards everyday!

Try a dating site like maybefriends.com, a close friend of mine did it, met some great women, its nice to go to a place (be it virtual) where there are people looking to meet people with the idea in their heads that they'd like a relationship to come out of it.

Saying that (and to clear up for those of you who think "Close friend bollox" 6th is talking about himself!) i was lucky in love, met a great girl when i was 15 became reallly good friends, 13 years later we are married 2 years with a cute little 14month old.

I just dont think a pub or club is the best place to meet someone for a longterm relationship (if thats even what ur looking for). Get social ....... or just pay for it and get that hurdle out of the way.

6th

Pigman II

Man1975 wrote:

I’m 30, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never even had a one night stand. I really can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I do have a sex drive, and I’m attracted to women not men. I ache for intimacy, for that close friendship, and yes, sometimes I’m just sexually frustrated too. I’m pretty shy, and not particularly gorgeous or charming, but shier, uglier, duller men seem to find their match.

I think you have to ask yourself "how much have I actually done over the past 15 years or so to join the foot high club?" From your post I'm guessing probably very little - but only you know the answer to that.

As for shier uglier men you'll probably find they are either a) trying harder than you or b) landing women who you might deem 'less than attractive' or unnacceptable so it's no great achievement on their part.

I think I’m pretty normal in other ways, have mates and always get on well with everyone I work with. I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.

Once again have you actually made many concerted efforts to make something happen or are you just sitting there waiting for something to happen? Women (although they'd like to think they can ) cannot read a mans mind and invariably won't profess their interest in you until you have shown them first that you are also interested. Until that point I'm afraid you'll have lots of female friends.

roo1981

Dont take this as a joke but pick up a book called the lay guide, itl answer most of your questions and give you some hints on how to go about sorting yourself out. Its a good read!

Motley Crue

could you get a friend to set you up?

maybe try go out to a place that you know is gonna be full of women and jus expect nothing to happen. that way, if you get a one night stand, you wont have worried about it not happening, if that makes sense.

just relax, and take it easy, i was 20 b4 i lost mine and i know thats 10 yrs b4 u but believe me it was late from where my friends were all coming from

LegacyUser

Well to the OP, I have 5 years on you. I'm 35 and still a virgin. I see that film coming out about the 40 year old virgin and it's just one big laugh.

I know precisely why I'm still a virgin.

1. I don't go out a lot
2. When I do get friendly with a woman, I never get beyond the friendship stage because subconciously I'm afraid of what she will think of a man with no sexual experience at my age.
3. I'm emotionally distant. I don't have many friends as a result of this. I don't like people to see the real me who is a happy go lucky quirky person. Circumstances in my life have dictated that I be sensible and responsible and serious. I'm so long in that role that I can't change it at this stage.

I reckon for you the relationships aren't developing into anything more because you don't want them to for some reason. I suspect you know the answer to why if you really delve deep. At 30, you should know yourself well enough to know such reasons.

Is it that you might be afraid you won't be able to perform and satisfy the woman?

Is it for the reason I have (a sense of fear of what the woman will think of me being a virgin)

Do you find men in any way attractive? Have you ever watched gay porn and been sexually aroused for example? You made a point of saying you are attracted to women, why did you feel you had to say that? It's just a question...

Are you living with someone? Maybe you feel in the place you currently are that you can't bring a girl back for the night? Could that be the issue.

So for me, a 35 year old virgin, over the past year or so I've just decided to forget about having a relationship. I don't think it's going to happen for me and I try not to let it get to me. Yeah, there are times when I come back to the house in the evening and would love to tell that someone special in my life how the day went, share a hug and a kiss and do all the lovey dovey stuff. Yeah, there are times where I've gone to bed at night and cried myself to sleep and bet myself up over why I'm not like everyone else.

So my advice to you is that since you have an active social life (unlike me), and you have a circle of friends (unlike me), there is no reason why you shouldn't be making more progress. I therefore suggest you look at the possible reason for your situation that I gave earlier and see if there is anything that strikes a chord.

MikeTyson

hmm touchy subject. dont start thinking u cant get a girl anyway. if ur not the best looking just go for a girl thats some way alrite. go to clubs get langers and ask a girl for sex u know it cud happen like this.. in limerick anyway it could

base2

Maybe give up discussing you virginity on the internet? I suspect girls wouldnt find that too attractive.

the_syco

Get your female friends to set you up. Seemingly women like doing that sort of thing. Good luck, and as Beruthiel said, girls can smell your desperation like dogs can smell fear, so relax, chill, and go forth

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

DAEDULUS

you could always try doing something about it...
try reading some online dating book,it would help you...the ways to getting women is so counter intuitive that 90% of men need to be told...you shouldnt be ashamed :P

Man1975

There's an interesting mix of responses here because maybe there are two issues: getting laid and not being alone. It would be nice to just go to a niteclub and get laid, but no, I'm not able to just walk up to a woman in a situation like that, so I suppose I've answered the question as to why no 1 night stands: too shy. Also, as one guy guessed, I'm anxious about performance: a girl expecting to leave a club for a night of passionate love making would be quite disappointed to discover she has to play teacher for some novice.
It would be nice to just 'join the club' and in darker moments I've thought about paying for it, but then I wouldn't be a virgin, I'd be a guy who has to pay for it, which I think is worse.
On the deeper relationship thing (which actually concerns me just as much) on reflection maybe I don't try hard enough, and that's the problem rather than the aura of desperation.
The furthest I've got? Physically, a snog with someone I fell into (almost literally) in a club. Also a snog with a 'friend' who wouldn't return my calls after that (long story). Emotionally, a friend with whom I talked over the 'going out with' thing, and who was thinking about it but couldn't make the leap.
I've tried dating (internet, blind) but in the six or seven experiences there's never been anything: again, maybe I don't try hard enough.
From all the posts cumulatively, I sense there's a kind of knack to this business, seeming nonchalant and indifferent, but also giving looks and smiles that show you're keen; some kind of signals between eagerness and desperation that I haven't mastered. Does that sound right? It's kind of annoying you have to play a game, rather than just be frank with each other, but if they're the rules I'll just have to play by them.
Thanks again to all those who made constructive suggestions here.

chump

I'd say there's a fair portion of 30year old virgins to be honest... I wouldn't let it get you down.

I think that basically once you get a bit of confidence you'll never look back.
To do that maybe you do need to pay for a bit of loving
Or maybe you need to get absolutely smashed one night, ideally just on drink, but drugs as well if you need the extra kick and score some random chick. Take her home, or somewhere, and stick it in

And yall never look back...

Le Rack

base2 wrote:

Maybe give up discussing you virginity on the internet? I suspect girls wouldnt find that too attractive.

Despite the fact he's in as a guest?

OP don't worry about, it too much, you seem to be stressing ove it, just relax and make an aim of making more female friends, some peoplejust naturally get on better with members of the oppisite sex but others need to work on, keep on truckin hun and you'll be fine!

And don't put youself down, eg, "I obviously repel women" or something like that... if you think you're looking good give into it, women love confidence but be careful not to go to the extreme of cockiness.

As for "Rules of the Game", eye contact, smiling, winking, accidentally bumping into someone, apologising, you see some nice girl at the bar, offer to buy her a drink, just start with really small, gestures and then work from there. Don't worry about being shy, it takes a lot of balls to jsut talk to someone you've never seen before, but often it's well worth it!

And the eye contact lark does work, it can be a slow process but it works!

jonny68

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

LOL quality

Pigman II

jonny68 wrote:

LOL quality

Not to mention quantity.

Cuddlesworth

You would need to grow a pair first.

dudara

krazy_8s wrote:

You would need to grow a pair first.

Constructive replies krazy_8s, or I ban you.

dudara

shoutman

there are some well freeky birds out there,
so if you get desperate stick an add in buy and sell or some other type of magazine/paper advertising that you are a 30 yr old virgin who needs a teacher.....
it could blosum into love marriage and 3.2 children a dog called fido and a white picket fence

chern0byl

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

The guy cant even approach a woman so testosterone levels are not an issue. I dont believe in that anyways.

krazy_8s wrote:

You would need to grow a pair first.

Not the best way to say it, but you do need to develop them and start approaching strangers. Yes, right now you dont have the confidence and will for the most part be a mumbling fool, look stupid and want to die but how else will you progress these skills?

So you make an arse of yourself but its not like you will have day to day dealings with these people. Use strangers. Think of them as helping you out. Dont approach any woman with the intention of anything more than some conversation. You will develop the other skills in time.