Quote me this, quote me that

Kweiggie

here are a few quotes that may be inspirational, if not amusing ... (now i'm beginning to wonder if i have really very little to do )

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"Statistics have shown that mortality increases in the military during wartime."
- Alphonse Allais

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen

"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen

"Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.
- Eric Allman

"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."
- Anonymous

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
- Anonymous


"The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians."
- Warren Austin - US Politician and diplomat


"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"
- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfield

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
- Dave Barry

"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry

"That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop."
- Brendan Behan - said to the nun nursing him on his deathbed

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils."
- Hector Berlioz

"It gets late early out there."
- Yogi Berra

"No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple Black

"The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money."
- Ed Bluestone

"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
- Wilhelm Bode

"Hi, this is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number ... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI ... BEEEEP"
- Blue Devil Comics

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
- Erma Bombeck

"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder."
- James H. Boren

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot."
- Elayne Boosler

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
- Alison Boulter

"The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city."
- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"

"Splendid couple - slept with both of them."
- Maurice Bowra - British academic - referring to a well-known literary couple

"I like the English, they have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
- Malcolm Bradbury

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
- Richard Braustein

"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."
- Bertolt Brecht

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
- David Brinkley

Bradle's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

"Tragedy is if I cut my finger.
Comedy is if I walk into an open serwer and die."
- Mel Brooks

"I don't feel good."
- Luther Burbank, dying words

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
- Milton Burle

"Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns

"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
- George Burns

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns - on aging

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons

"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."
- Samuel Butler

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man

"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions"
- Henry N. Camp

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
- Al Capone

"I don't even know what street Canada is on."
- Al Capone

"They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
- Al Capone - protesting the IRS claiming large sums of unpaid back tax.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
- Matt Cartmill

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
- Wynn Catlin

"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."
- Howard Chaykin

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people."
- G. K. Chesterton

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
- G. K. Chesterton

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
- E. Joseph Cossman

"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.""
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

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watch this space for more..or you can just go watch tv

BizzyC

Some good ones in there.

28064212

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Kweiggie

he he he thnxx for the correction

Kweiggie

Here's some more as promised..(plz dont hold it against me )

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"If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name."
- Moshe Dayan - Israeli General


"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
- Benjamin Disraeli

"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- Bob Dole

"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God."
- B. Hathrume Duk

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan

"My work is done. Why wait?"
- George Eastman - US inventor and industrialist - Suicide note

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
- Albert Einstein

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
- English Professor, Providence College

"Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
- W.C. Fields


"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes."
- W.C. Fields - during his last illness

"I like children. Properly cooked."
- W.C. Fields

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
- Robert Frost

"How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?"
- Charles de Gaulle

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."
- Gandhi

"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy."
- James Goldsmith - British businessman

"When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
- Marquis De La Grange

"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease."
- Colin Greene

"History repeats itself; historians repeat each other."
- Philip Guedalla

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry

"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen."
- Woodie Guthrie

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett
"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
- Stephen Hawking - "A Brief History of Time"

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein

"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "
- Buck Henry

"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes."
- Baendan Hills

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book- it makes a very poor doorstop.
- Alfred Hitchcock

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
- Joel Hodgson

"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
- Herbert Hoover

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
- Bob Hope

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
- Blair Houghton

"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished colouring one."
- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician

"?"
- Victor Hugo - Entire telegram sent to his publishers asking how Les Miserables was selling, the reply: "!".

"One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette."
- Prof. Charles P. Issawi

fun bus

Loving these!

"A lot of people wonder how you know you're in love. Just ask yourself this
one question: "Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?"
- Ronnie Shakes

Kweiggie

i would laugh if it werent true in my case ...lol j/k..very good

Kweiggie

Well back by popular demand (snigger snigger snigger)..some more quotes to make one sound profoundly intellectual after 5 vodkas, 2 martinis, 6 pints, 3 tequilas, 8 rum & cokes and a masssssive bong :eek:


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"Elevate them guns a little lower"
- Andrew Jackson - order given while watching the affect of US artillery upon British lines at the Battle of New Orleans

"Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life."
- Glenda Jackson

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"
- Holbrook Jackson

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni

"I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am."
- Samuel Johnson

"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Thomas Jones

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson

"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering"
- C. G. Jung - Psychologist

"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man"."
- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter

"The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time."
- Leo Kennedy

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner."
- Calvin Keegan

"The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward."
- John Maynard Keynes



"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
- Lisa Kirk

"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible."
- Alfred A. Knopf

"How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read."
- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"

"A dirty mind is a joy forever."
- Randy Kunkee

"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
- Doug Larson

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer, on NBC's "Today" show, August 22, 1996

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."
- Bill Lawrence

"The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it."
- D.H. Lawrence

"Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."
- Dennis Leary


"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
- Denis Leary

"Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs."
- Tom Lehrer

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not."
- Fran Lebowitz

"Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)"
- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. "
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. "
- David Letterman

"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
- David Letterman

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

"Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking."
- Jerome Lettvin

"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on."
- Oscar Levant

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
- Richard Lewis


"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless."
- Sinclair Lewis

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln

"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around."
- David Lodge - British author

"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake

"If we see the light at the end of the tunnel it is the light of an oncoming train."
- Robert Lowell - US poet

"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done."
- Daniel B.Luten

"Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful."
- Martin Luther