S*x on first date?

LegacyUser

Just semi-randomly curious on what the Internet thinks. I'm seeing a guy for drinks next weekend, we're friends of friends, haven't seen each other for a while, always got on great when we did. There was always some chemistry but we were both in relationships which have now finished. We bumped into each other a few nights ago, swapped numbers, txted, drinks arranged etc.

Now, cut to me talking about this to my friend
Friend "You're not planning on going home with him, are you?"
Me "Not planning, but I may well if we get on, because he's very attractive."
Friend "but he'll think you're a slut"
Me "But I'm not a slut"
Friend "but he'll *think* you are"

After much talking, the explanation I got from her was: There's nothing inherently slutty about going home with a guy on the first date, we are liberated sexual beings, bla-bla etc. But, there's a social stigma that only sluts have sex on the first date, so any girl who isn't a slut doesn't do it, therefore if we have sex, he'll think I'm a slut, abd that will be the foundation of any possible relationship....

Now, to be honest, I don't date much, this'll be probably the first one in about 6 months, and the first in 2 years where I'm possibly serious about it. I think I feel like if he's that much of a dick then good riddance to him, but I also get that there are unwritten rules of the game here.\

So.... Slutty or not slutty?

So... s*x or no s*x?

Opinions please Internet!

Fake edit: I'm 20 he's 24

Chucky the tree

if you would want to date him, i would say not to shag him. If you dot mind though fire away.

LegacyUser

Would indeed like to date him (I think, obviously it depends on how things go when I see him)

simu

Sleep with him if you feel like it and he does too. That's all that matters.

bp

you are a big girl and do what feels right! yeah some people may say your a s*ut if you do but f*ck them its your choice! personally i wouldnt but thats me......i know and respect people who would so do what feels right at the time!!


oh and either way have fun

melekalikimaka

maybe he wouldnt think your a slut... but everyone else would IMO

Sugarbear

Well you have the freedom to whatever the hell you want! But yes, there's a social stigma with ANYONE who sleeps with a person on the first date. One of my friends did it awhile ago....and even though she's a great gal and all......I just wasn't impressed

gerrycollins

dunno really my wife to be and me didnt do it till our third date not for any reason i wasnt rushed neihter was she but there were others who were first daters and i didnt think any more or less of them personally dont bother me if u did do it and if he thought that of u then he maybe he not worth it then again maybe he's gagging to get it on with u just play it by ear i reckon

Kinetic^

melekalikimaka wrote:

maybe he wouldnt think your a slut... but everyone else would IMO

Correct, but does it really matter what everybody else thinks and should it be any of their business. if you do sleep with him, keep it to yourself, nobody else needs to know.

simu

Keyser Soze 69 wrote:

Correct, but does it really matter what everybody else thinks and should it be any of their business. if you do sleep with him, keep it to yourself, nobody else needs to know.

Exactly. Some people here seem to send out newsletters on their sex lives by the sound of it!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I don't generally broadcast my sex-life It's not general comment I'm worried about

I guess I'm just wondering if there's some kind of newsletter that everyone got but me, that means that if ye sleep together on a first date, the "slut" box gets ticked. (teehee, slut box)

I guess I always thought it was one of those american TV rules, like "Don't call for 3 days" bla bla bull****.

Hmmm.... For the boys - if a girl was up for the whole sex time the first time ye "went out" (I have known him for a while now, bear in mind) would that affect the chances of a relationship for you?

OP

Boston

What more important to you. Your opinion of yourself or his.

Btw society won't know you fuked this guy. Only you, him and who you tell will. So What You friend is really saying is I will think of you as a slut.

Arucard

LiouVille makes a good point. i personally wouldnt consider sex on the first date to constitute slutiness.

Chucky the tree

Original Poster wrote:

Hmmm.... For the boys - if a girl was up for the whole sex time the first time ye "went out" (I have known him for a while now, bear in mind) would that affect the chances of a relationship for you?

OP

all depends on his feeling. If he is justo ut of a serious relationship he will just want a shag.



chances are, the majority of relationships didnt start out with the fella getting the leg over on the first date?

LiuoVille wrote:

Btw society won't know you fuked this guy. Only you, him and who you tell will.

Dont forget all of the lads he will tell aswell.

Imposter

As has been said do what you want to do and not what you think society wants you to do.

The fact that you already know him means that it's not really a 'first date' like most people would think of a first date. Imo unless you are sleeping with guys regularly after just meeting them then it doedn't make you a slut. But anyways what does my opinion matter, it's up to you what you want to do!

Talliesin

Titty McBoob wrote:

Now, cut to me talking about this to my friend
Friend "You're not planning on going home with him, are you?"
Me "Not planning, but I may well if we get on, because he's very attractive."
Friend "but he'll think you're a slut"
Me "But I'm not a slut"
Friend "but he'll *think* you are"

Well, that rules out sleeping with her on a first date (or at all really, never sleep with anyone that can use the word "slut" with a straight face), but whether you sleep with the guy you're actually planning on dating on a first date depends on whether the two of you want to.

This is especially true given that the two of you were friends before, and had some chemistry, so the dating thing should leap-frog past a few stages.

Beruthiel

there are no rules
what you do is your own business
if you want to, go for it, or don't, as you wish

Trojan

Nevermind the slut question: if you make it too easy for him it could diminish his interest in you, subconsciously he'll think you weren't any challenge.

Ever save up for ages to buy something when you were younger?
Ever go nuts with your credit card now?

Which purchase did you value more?

The Corinthian

As you can see from the responses it depends upon the opinion and prejudices of people. He may consider you a slut for doing so, he may not - it really depends upon his outlook on these things. Additionally he may not consciously hold it against you, but how Society shapes us is a funny thing and subconsciously he may.

As a curious twist, he may also have a very high sex drive, which would mean that demonstrating that you have one too would indicate greater long-term compatibility. There are plenty of guys out there who want to be with sluts and will move on if the woman is still holding out after a few dates, simply because if one person has a high sex drive and the other has a low one, it’s unlikely to work out - foreplay should not consist of thirty minutes of begging, after all.

Hold out until the second or third date if it bothers you. Shag him senseless on the first date if you think it appropriate or simply feel like it. Play it by ear.

Talliesin

Trojan wrote:

Nevermind the slut question: if you make it too easy for him it could diminish his interest in you, subconsciously he'll think you weren't any challenge.

If you want a challenge, don't try to get someone into bed, do the Times crossword instead.

jcoote

the days of 'oh my god they slept togetheer on the 1st date' went out the window when 13 year ols started gettin preggers
go for it but just mke sure he doesn't use u for sexif he's not interested in a relationship!!

JohnnyMobile

Im quite liberal and have had sex several times on the first date but would never consider going out with anyone that I had slept with after being out with once.

Yes before everyone starts... it is a double standard... but thats the way I feel. If a girl is opening her legs for someone on the first night then shes too easy for me to consider having a relationship with.

*awaits the negative replies*

Zombrex

First of all, with out sounding stupid, you sure the guy will actually want to sleep with you on the first date?

Second of all, ignoring all the silly "your a slut" ideas from last century, you don't really know this guy, and sex with someone u don't know, but hope to form an emotional connection with in the future (I assume u want to go out with him, not just see him once get a shag and that be that) can make future encounters arkward. You take a big jump quite quickly, and then step back to actually getting to know each other afterwards. Doesn't really matter in a one night stand thing, you don't expect to be trying to get to know someone after (or even see them again) but if you are trying to build a relationship I think it can have quite a negative effect.

So I wouldn't worry too much about being "a slut", but I would be a little careful about whether this is too much to quickly

Zombrex

JohnnyMobile wrote:

*awaits the negative replies*

Well I think you know yourself how silly that position is ... it is like someone who doesn't brush their own teeth refusing to go out with someone with bad breath.

But to each their own ... btw, that isn't "liberal", you seem to have a very conservative (ie biblical) view to sex and the role of women in a sexual relationship

Talliesin

JohnnyMobile wrote:

Im quite liberal and have had sex several times on the first date but would never consider going out with anyone that I had slept with after being out with once.

JohnnyMobile wrote:

*awaits the negative replies*

I can't really be bothered being negative (meh, it's personal issues, you have personal issues, you're in the right place), but how exactly is that liberal?

el Bastardo

Well, speaking in my capacity as a man, I've refused to do the wild thing on first dates. Reason: nothing to do with thinking any worse of a girl, but I'd prefer to know someone before I 'get it on'. Worst thing is that I get accused of being *GAY* for refusing (... and that's a terrible thing, isn't it? :-)).

jcoote

in fairness to johnnymobbile...if 2 people have sex on the 1st date its not really a good basis for an emotionally healthy relationship because the 1st major action is a physical one and it may set a precedent...but it is still double standards

LegacyUser

From a mans point of view if I sleep with a girl on the first night its a one to three night stand or the reletionship will be based on sex thereafter. There wont be much conversation the next day if you lash him him on the first night Im afraid (even though you know him previously) apart from maybe "have you a number for a taxi"?

Talliesin

el Bastardo wrote:

Reason: nothing to do with thinking any worse of a girl, but I'd prefer to know someone before I 'get it on'.

IMO a wise position - not the only valid position or anything, but a wise one in many ways.
In the OPs case it's worth noting that while it would be a first date, it wouldn't be a first meeting. Not that we can apply this to any sort of universal rule, just that it would make a personal difference to some people.

el Bastardo wrote:

Worst thing is that I get accused of being *GAY* for refusing (... and that's a terrible thing, isn't it? :-)).

Just explain that you don't sleep with men on a first date either

Talliesin

jcoote wrote:

if 2 people have sex on the 1st date its not really a good basis for an emotionally healthy relationship

It's not a basis for anything, it's an act of (one hopes) pleasure between two people. If a relationship does develop that single session won't be the basis of it.

jcoote

but if that is their 1st act of affection or whatever towards each other surely thats a basis/starting point...no???

Setun

If you get on well then do it.
If he likes you he won't think you're a slut.
But don't let the man use you.
Cos that's no good.

WhiteWashMan

Titty McBoob wrote:

Just semi-randomly curious on what the Internet thinks. I'm seeing a guy for drinks next weekend, we're friends of friends, haven't seen each other for a while, always got on great when we did. There was always some chemistry but we were both in relationships which have now finished. We bumped into each other a few nights ago, swapped numbers, txted, drinks arranged etc.

Now, cut to me talking about this to my friend
Friend "You're not planning on going home with him, are you?"
Me "Not planning, but I may well if we get on, because he's very attractive."
Friend "but he'll think you're a slut"
Me "But I'm not a slut"
Friend "but he'll *think* you are"

After much talking, the explanation I got from her was: There's nothing inherently slutty about going home with a guy on the first date, we are liberated sexual beings, bla-bla etc. But, there's a social stigma that only sluts have sex on the first date, so any girl who isn't a slut doesn't do it, therefore if we have sex, he'll think I'm a slut, abd that will be the foundation of any possible relationship....

Now, to be honest, I don't date much, this'll be probably the first one in about 6 months, and the first in 2 years where I'm possibly serious about it. I think I feel like if he's that much of a dick then good riddance to him, but I also get that there are unwritten rules of the game here.\

So.... Slutty or not slutty?

So... s*x or no s*x?

Opinions please Internet!

Fake edit: I'm 20 he's 24

if you have a good night, enjoy each others company and it feels right, then enjoy yourself.

in a situation like that, he wont think youre a slut, he will think he enjoyed himself, was relaxed and has met a smashing chick that he likes and who likes him.

more importantly though is what happens afterwards.
most people will leave each other that first date, and then get the whole awkwardness of phoning each other.
i used to always arrange the next date while still on the first one, and it always meant that there was no hassle phoning someone up a second time.

youre going out for fun and stuff.
enjoy it, and dont let what your friends *thinks* people will think bother you...

jcoote

yeah there yya go whitewashman nailed it there...feck what others think if it feels right go for it...well said

Nevyn

Well you should not have sex with someone with whom you have not disscussed
contraception, safer sex and other personal preferences.
If you mature and comfortible enough to do that on a first date it sure will be a fun first date.

Yes it is also about trust issues and you do all ready do know this person
and may have had generic conversations along those lines.
Why not talk to him about, make it a generic conversation sound him out and see what his attitude is.

He may not be prepared at all for this to happen, and you want it to go well
and at least be fun and a good giggle and not a misplanned akward drunken
mishap.

I would suggest by some new batteries and talk to him.
Even if you then end up making plans for to shagg him the next day.

Santa Claus

Once again sound advice from the Sage-like WWM.
Perhaps PI should be changed to "Ask WhiteWashMan"

landser

i wouldn't necessarily think that you were a slapper. if i liked you, i'd hope that you were doing this because you liked me. if i didn't like you, then i really wouldn't care.

fact is, don't do it unless you really want to. if you do it, who cares what the your mates think. you could always just not tell them

LegacyUser

My 2nd last gf more or less planned it that we'd shag on the first date. She did a good job of setting it up and i was impressed my her assertivenss but didnt really see the hurry myself, per se - the girl liked and trusted me enough to go for it - it was that simple. I didn't think she was slutty because of it.


My last g/f and i didn't do it for about 7 weeks in to seeing each other and it was all the more special because of that. By the time it happened we were so sexually wound up it really was a terrific night. But.... sex started to become the dominant factor in our relationship and in the end it turned rather unhealthy. She was far more "slutty" (no more than me, btw) than the last girl but it really had nothing to do with our first time.

Just another angle.

claire h

Sleeping with someone you didn't know beforehand on the first date - not so much slutty as it can be seen as rushing into things. Might be hard to build on that, because you've done the physical intimacy bit without the emotional intimacy... but if you know him already then it doesn't really apply, or at least not to the same extent. If it feels right then go for it. If there's any uncertainty in your mind then don't, 'cause if things work out you'll have plenty of time for all that later.

Khannie

Personally I'd agree with all the "do what you think is right" advice. I know of 2 long term relationships that have started with sex on the first date. There is another (OMG, those poxy project management courses have rubbed off on me) way to look at it though.....

There are almost certainly no negative side effects to not having sex on the first date, but there are possible negative side effects to having sex.

Like others have said though....if you know each other from before where there was chemistry, I'd expect things to move along faster than with someone you didn't know. This (IMO) reduces the chances of possible negative side effects associated with first date sex.

Good luck. Have fun. Play safe.

ADUB?

OP
Only you can answer this question, as its purely a choice for you.
Quite conflicting in terms of slutty or not from reading the views of others.

People have a lot of hang ups about sex in this country
My opinion is its really nobody's business but yours!
It really depends on how much you care what SOME (only some) would say.

If it was me I'd probably withhold so they wouldnt be able to label me.
Also some guys would find it harder to respect you, as again SOME could see you as having little respect fo yourself
You have to ask is this guy one of them? Remember its your body and your choice and dont let others guilt you, If its right for you then its right.

Dimitri

Personally i wouldn't see you as a slut but thats me, especially if you were fairly sober, i think its more telling (slut wise) if you were to fall into bed with him totally pissed. As WWM said if the nights going well etc go for it. In the words of Chief Wiggum "if it feels good do it"

Son_of_Belial

Just do what feels right at the time. I wouldn't think you were a slut... Why is the onus always on the girl? Maybe he'd be a slut too if he was having sex on the first date?

Alana

imho I see no problem with it, once it's what you want to do (and the partner in question has no objections), and you do it safely (ie keep all sharp kitchen implement well out of reach, and condoms are of course a good idea), fu(k it really (no pun intended) you're only young once.

Always find it interesting how even still today in most peoples minds, it's always the girl who comes out looking like a slut and the guy is a "stud"... God, next thing you know them women folk will be wearing trousers, enjoying having sex, and voting.Shocking.

OP, do what feels right.

jonny68

This is 2005 not 1945,sex on a first date is probably the norm thesedays if the truth be known.Any of my ex birds ive always had sex with them on the first date and it's been cool,then again if he/she is a bit of an ar*e on the date itself i don't suppose you'd wanna shag them but im my experience first dates have always gone reasonably well and ive always shagged the girl,good luck.

Vangelis

To me it seems like there is a pressure here to have sex on the first date. Why is it absolutely a 'must' to have sex with someone you don't know well? Is it right to sleep with someone just because you feel ready? What about what happens afterwards? Am I the only one who thinks about that?

Sex on first date is not the norm these days. Nobody is obliged to sleep with anyone.

Beruthiel

nobody said it was a 'must'
what we are saying is that you do as you wish, either way

Vangelis

What about thinking about your future? Sleeping around just because it's fun and then meeting Mr. Right and telling him of your "around-the-world- fairy-tales"? Pretty selfish, I think that would be. :rolleyes:

magpie

Its times like this I look to The Faces for guidance:

in the morning, don't say you love me
'cause I'll only kick you out of the door

I know your name is Rita
'cause your perfum smelling sweeter
since when I saw you down on the floor, guitar

won't need to much pursuading
I don't mean to sound degrading
but with a face like that
you got nothing to laugh about

red lips hair and fingernails
I hear your a mean old jezabel
lets go up stairs and read my tarot cards

stay with me, stay with me
for tonight you better stay with me
stay with me, stay with me
for tonight you better stay with me

so in the morning, please don't say you love me
'cause you know I'll only kick you out the door

yeah, I'll pay your cab fare home
you can even use my best cologne
just don't be here in the morning when I wake up

come on now
stay with me, stay with me
'cause tonight you're gonna stay with me
sit down, get up, get down

stay with me, stay with me
'cause tonight you're gonna stay with me
hey, whats your name again?

cotillion

If you've known him for a while then I don't see why you would be seen as a slut. If it was your first date with a guy that you didn't even know/only met a while ago then I could see why someone might brand you as a slut.

Not saying that I would consider either slutty.

Talliesin

Vangelis wrote:

What about thinking about your future? Sleeping around just because it's fun and then meeting Mr. Right and telling him of your "around-the-world- fairy-tales"? Pretty selfish, I think that would be. :rolleyes:

What business is if of Mr. Right's what you did before dating him? This Right fella sounds like a bit of a knobhead to me.