Couples who CHOOSE not to have kids

disillusioned

My husband and I have chosen not to have children. We have been together about a decade and our views on the matter haven't changed.

Most people find this unbelievable and say that we'll change our minds when the hormones kick in. People seem to think it's selfish and wonder why bother marrying if you're not having a family. People have even suggested that one can never be complete without being a parent!

I'd like to hear from other people who've made the same decision to find out just how many people feel the same.

Also, if there are any "mature" people who made this choice years ago and for whom it's now too late - do you regret it?

Fortinbras'

Oh the harsh reality of being a gay couple!

IANOC

id say all the negative thoughts and beliefs on your topic will come from those who cannot have children
but its your right not to have any , if thats your wish

disillusioned

Dear Fortinbras'

What makes you think I'm gay?

I guess you must be one of those narrow-minded people I run into all the time. I'd appreciate if you'd keep stupid comments like that to yourself.

Are you suggesting that if I was part of a gay couple that I couldn't have kids? Get real!

Nevyn

I really do think this thread would be better of in humanities then in Parenting.

Sleipnir

I think some people take everything too seriously.

Neuro

disillusioned wrote:

People seem to think it's selfish...

I believe having a child is one of the most selfish acts imaginable; you (and your partner) bring someone into the world to fulfil your egotistical desire with little consideration of the suffering the child will inevitably have to endure during their lifetimes. Any child you give birth to will have to face:

- their own death
- their parents' deaths
- the suffering they will have to endure in competing for jobs, competing for status, competing for a mate etc.
- the pain of trying to find some 'meaning' in their existence which inevitably leads to them having children...

And for what? Just so that you could satisfy some vague longing to give your life meaning.

See attached documents...

The Corinthian

Neuro wrote:

I believe having a child is one of the most selfish acts imaginable; you (and your partner) bring someone into the world to fulfil your egotistical desire with little consideration of the suffering the child will inevitably have to endure during their lifetimes.

If you commit suicide now you can spare yourself that anguish.

IANOC

The Corinthian wrote:

If you commit suicide now you can spare yourself that anguish.

ya ill even do it for you

Memnoch

there's actually some nut job religion out there in america who's tag line is..

"save the planet, kill yourself now!"

I won't get into the distasteful methods these people propagate in pursuit of this "noble" cause.

back on topic.

OP - It's your life, it's your choice. Be happy the way you want to be and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Why are you so bothered about this? I guess it's because you constantly have to deal with narrow-minded busy bodies that can't keep a lid on their own lives and so must go around trying to patch up everyone else's percieved problems.

As regards to the wider question. In this age of booming population, declining resources, increased competition and human calousness, one could probably make a strong arguement for not having kids, from both a personal and a wider moral perspective.

Me? I'm gonna have a couple, but that's just me.

Saruman

My wife was dead set against kids.. wanted to have her tubes tied and everything. i told her she is only 27 and whe may want kids some day, especially near around 30 the biological clock kicks in.. Anyway recently she admitted she changed her mind and would not mind a child.. though not just yet

Things change but i depends on the couple.. im sure some dont want and never will want kids. Probably more trouble than they are worth

Beruthiel

disillusioned wrote:

Most people find this unbelievable

who cares what most people think? I certainly wouldn't!
what you decide between yourselves is your own business and no one elses.

and say that we'll change our minds when the hormones kick in

what hormones would they be exactly?

People seem to think it's selfish

selfish?!
how exactly is it selfish??? *boggle*

and wonder why bother marrying if you're not having a family

because ye decided to spend your lives together

People have even suggested that one can never be complete without being a parent!

really?
would these people be parents themselves?
perhaps they are a tad jealous that you took a different route and aren't knee deep in smelly nappies and sleepless nights?

Stick to what you want, do not be swayed by other people who think they know more than you do or what's best for your.
From your comments above, I'm guessing that you are starting to wonder if they are right and you 'might' start to regret later when it's too late.
Kids are not the be all and end all of anyone's life time, sure they can be a good part of it, but so can so many other things. I'm betting your quality of life is much better than most people who have kids, there is a lot to be said for that too and certainly has it's own rewards for sure.
I think that after 10 years of keeping to this decision suggests to me that you know your own mind at this stage.

utopian

disillusioned wrote:

My husband and I have chosen not to have children. We have been together about a decade and our views on the matter haven't changed.

Having children seems to be something that a lot of people only decide they want after they do it. I have frequently heard "I never thought I would enjoy being a mother, but..." from women who have had unplanned pregnancies.

That's not to say that your choice isn't valid. It's just that one can only make a fully-informed choice after having the first child!

nesf

Why do you have to reproduce? It's not exactly a duty now is it?

Saruman

nesf wrote:

Why do you have to reproduce? It's not exactly a duty now is it?

It is if your catholic
Catholics who dont will probably burn in hell or some crap like that

nesf

Saruman wrote:

It is if your catholic
Catholics who dont will probably burn in hell or some crap like that

But what about all the gay and sterile catholics?

TerrorFirmer

disillusioned wrote:

My husband and I have chosen not to have children. We have been together about a decade and our views on the matter haven't changed.

Most people find this unbelievable and say that we'll change our minds when the hormones kick in. People seem to think it's selfish and wonder why bother marrying if you're not having a family. People have even suggested that one can never be complete without being a parent!

I'd like to hear from other people who've made the same decision to find out just how many people feel the same.

Also, if there are any "mature" people who made this choice years ago and for whom it's now too late - do you regret it?

/ACtually, I'm a firm believer of adoption. I don't want my own kids - why bring another child into the world when there are so many that need good homes? We only live once, its our duty to try and make life as good as it can be for as many people as we can. I plan adopting several kids.

Thats ridiculous tho, the main point. Anyone who calls that selfish is a plain and simple arsehole or possibly jealous. What happened to the ideals of love and romance, eh?

Catsmokinpot

its completely your choice, and to be honest ur keeping the population down.... which is a good thing cause there's too many of us walkin round wrecking the place already.

i would agree to an extent with mobileinfantry, the amount of parentless children in the world, it would be nice to adopt. having children no matter wether you made them or adopted them is a brilliant experience. after all thats what we're here for. i'm not saying your going to regret it, but don't be surprised if you do.

Moriarty

Catsmokinpot wrote:

its completely your choice, and to be honest ur keeping the population down.... which is a good thing cause there's too many of us walkin round wrecking the place already.

Globally, maybe. Locally, certainly not. Europeans need to have more kids than they're having at the moment. Population levels are pretty much static in Europe, and they're actually falling in one or two countries.

OfflerCrocGod

Moriarty wrote:

Globally, maybe. Locally, certainly not. Europeans need to have more kids than they're having at the moment. Population levels are pretty much static in Europe, and they're actually falling in one or two countries.

Indeed, Europe is going to end up dead at the rate it's going

CathyMoran

Personally I have always wanted kids - the fact that it is more difficult for me to have them makes it even more important to me. Having said that I have always been maternal - when I was 4 I used to protect a 3 year old who was having a bad time in school but I have always tended to teach kids when I looked after them.

However to the OP - if you do not want kids then I do not see why that is a problem. It is your own life and why should you care what anyone else thinks.

Adoption was also brought up on this post - I used to be very pro-adoption, one of my favorite cousins is adopted and he has a brilliant relationship with his mum. I know a lot of adopted people but I have also met some adopted people who are not happy being adopted - it is very difficult to help the adopted child to get over their feelings of loss. That is just me...

In the end I hope to have 1-2 kids and adopt 2 more (if I am lucky).

bug

I've observed people who have made this decision.

I think that if you are like minded on the subject of not having kids then there is no problem, and outside influences regardless of who, or what, shouldn't effect you if you are sure and solid together in your choice.

The problem, as I see it, and as usually occurs, is that one partner "convinces" the other that it should be their way of thinking too.

Alot of people enter into relationships telling the other straight from the start they're not into kids...having them, being around them etc. Its never an issue at the time, this leads to problems later, because one thinks surely we are a "couple" now and your personal outlook has changed. This usually isnt the case.

I think if people had of had the choice in the 1950's of not having children, they would have stuffed half of their rabbit warren back in.

The whole hormonal thing...is a pile of old tyres to be honest. Women dont have an innate want to have children. Not any more than men. Its an alien thing to them too. Most men...dont get this, and think...but you are female have a womb etc. Thing is, men have nipples. Is breastfeeding a natural thing to men? At the risk of coming accross as germain greer the latter is just an example of how weird the idea of having a child is to some women.

One of the things that influences women to make the decisison to have children after their thirties unless they are already of the family mindset is society.
Most of their friends are having children and they follow suit. Alot of marriages result of the same mindset.
I'm sorry to say that alot of people give in to the pressures of society and what is the "next step"... its the whole old age self questioning of "what am I supposed to do next" I dont fit into this society.

Every Saturday night in bo jangles or my own gaff and a few kids?
Everyone else is doing it...them seem to be ok.
Then again, who is to say that we think too much and should just follow suit.

Without sounding like SJP, its hard to be childless and 30 in Ireland. Because I think there is a certain element of society that look at you and say... well are you infertile...are you selfish....there has to be something wrong there.

Thing is, there isnt. Once its what both of you want. In that case, yes you are doing the right thing.

You have more freedom.
Make sure you have a good pension plan though, and lots of friends, cos you might end up having no one to direct your alzhemic thoughts at.;)

In short, in this day and age, it takes a real individual to make the decision you have and be 100% happy with it in my opinion.

MorningStar

I think has to be said that people are missing what seems to be the point. What are the later problems and has anybody experience/knowledge of growing older and not having kids?
I don't think there is a fear of what other people think just what is the life like for a couple that doesn't have children. It's hard to tell because anybody I know who is older has had kids and relies on family now.
It's all well and good to say don't worry about what people think but it seems to be about how life goes

utopian

bug wrote:

The whole hormonal thing...is a pile of old tyres to be honest. Women dont have an innate want to have children. Not any more than men. Its an alien thing to them too. Most men...dont get this, and think...but you are female have a womb etc. Thing is, men have nipples. Is breastfeeding a natural thing to men? At the risk of coming accross as germain greer the latter is just an example of how weird the idea of having a child is to some women.

One of the things that influences women to make the decisison to have children after their thirties unless they are already of the family mindset is society.

Procreation is a Social Construct. You need a lot of schooling before you believe something like that.

neuro-praxis

Actually most women I know feel very broody. They long to be pregnant, and when couples can't conceive, it seems to be one of the most devastating realities a couple who desire children can experience.

So I might argue with you Bug that people don't deeply long to procreate.

As for the OP's decision, the best of luck. I'm not really a big fan of children, but I think once I hit 35 I'll have a few, if not least because life is rich with a large family network.

bug

utopian wrote:

Procreation is a Social Construct. You need a lot of schooling before you believe something like that.

I agree. Aparently being reclusive is in opposition to the ways of society, but people do it and its also seen as a negative thing. Or a psycological thing, rather than a choice.
Maybe not schooling, but outstanding individuality to break out from the social construct and understand what you want yourself

Morningstar had a fair point, and unfortunatley I couldnt answer what it would be like, because although i have close experience of this from older close associates whom I am concerned about. Its not my personal experience.

The only thing I can think of is that if "us kids" didnt exist, i dont know who my parents would be talking to, or who would be looking after them. But they were the 1950's generation.

I think everyone needs something to dedicate their lives to and perhaps thats the secret whether it be kids, or opening the world biggest....bird.. sanctuary...or golf.

Hopefully some older people will reply to you and give you their experiences.
Best of Life!

RainyDay

I guess that many of those who speak about adoption as a 'nice thing to do' have no idea about the harsh realities of adoption in Ireland today. There are a tiny number of Irish children available for adoption each year. Those infertile couples who wish to adopt end up spending vast sums of money on foreign adoptions. Russia & China were the most likely target countries, but I've heard of couples going to Vietnam and some Central American countries more recently. This is a hugely painful process, requiring health board approval in Ireland and then fighting through the highly bureaucratic and in some cases corrupt processes in the foreign country.

neuro-praxis

I can't believe that the idea that procreation is a social construct is getting the time of day.

Humans = animals

All animals procreate and humans are no exception. It isn't because society expects them to, it is because they want to.

Plus, it just happens. Nature is a beast!

simu

neuro-praxis wrote:

I can't believe that the idea that procreation is a social construct is getting the time of day.

Humans = animals

All animals procreate and humans are no exception. It isn't because society expects them to, it is because they want to.

Plus, it just happens. Nature is a beast!

Well, they want to have sex... the procreation is usually just a by-product.

MorningStar

neuro-praxis wrote:

As for the OP's decision, the best of luck. I'm not really a big fan of children, but I think once I hit 35 I'll have a few, if not least because life is rich with a large family network.

Not picking on your point but you have said something I have heard a lot lately. People planing on having kids later in life. I don't want kids but to plan to have them later seems a little odd to me. It's a generally well know medical fact that having kids later in life increases the risks to the child and mother. A lesser know fact is mens sperm quality diminsihes too. You will also be older dealing with your child. The only people I knew who's paretns were over 50 when they were 15 were the youngest of the family.
It could all go well but there seems to be a possible problems and with so many people going for this it would be a bigger social issue. Inexperienced older parents dealing with teenagers, an increase in medical and behavioural care.

ionapaul

Is it not true that some women's plans to have their first child in their mid-to-late 30s might come back and haunt them? A doctor friend of mine once told me that some modern women expect to be as fecund at that age as in their early 20s, but it doesn't always work out like that.

Also, I'm not sure that procreation can be defined as a by-product of the desire for sex...any evolutionary theorists in the house to help with this? Surely the desire for sex and associated pleasure is an evolutionary development that facilitates greater / more successful procreation, and the 'desire' (unconsious and unfeeling though a simple organism's tendency to reproduce may be) to procreate predates the desire for sex.