do u have to look?

Femelade

i'm 25 and have been in and out of a few relationships since i split with the father of my child, who i had been with for nearly 4 yrs.
only once have i ever thought "this could be it" (and that wasnt even with the father of my child). turns out it wasnt "it" which hurt bad.

to put it straight, i'm lonely.
i'm not sure if its the fact that i'm a single mother that i cant seem to hold onto any1. i'm not considered an "ugly or unattractive" person, i have a great circle of friends and i'm not a bad person. i dont let the fact that i have a child get in the way of my social life and i dont let my social life get in the way of my responsibilities of being a mother, i never got any boyfriend involved in my life with my child and they have all (only been about 3 or 4 in the past 2 yrs really) understood the circumstances esp the last guy i was with, who was a single father.

just none of my relationships work out and for no reason apparant to me.

my absolute fear is of never experiencing "true love".

i'm just wondering if u have to look for love or does it just come to you?

lili

it just come to you, be patient:)

Femelade

lili wrote:

it just come to you, be patient:)

been waiting for 2 years......

lili

all i know is that it will fall on your head when you will expect it the less.

][cEMAN**

I've been waiting nearly 30. I thought I had it a couple of times but I didn't.

There's no time limit on it really. So the best thing to do is just enjoy your life as it is now. The more you look for it the less likely it will happen.

If you put the pressure on EVERY relationship to ask "is this the one?" then there's a chance you'll not see the woods for the trees when it comes along.

And as for feeling lonely - everyone does. We're brought into this life alone, and we die alone. There's nothing that can change that. You have to be happy with yourself or you'll never be happy with someone else.

As said in other threads - you should be complete with yourself - other people simply compliment you and make life better. If it's not good to start with, you can't fix it with a partner.

The Corinthian

Don’t you think you’re a bit old to be still believing in some form of almost magical true love? Or is it simply that you don’t want to end up on your own and would like to be in a relationship? You seem ambiguous as to which you really mean. Deciding which would be a good start.

nesf

The Corinthian wrote:

Don’t you think you’re a bit old to be still believing in some form of almost magical true love?

Magical true love or finding someone who compliments you that you are happy to spend the rest of your life yet?

One is just an idealised concept, the other is something that some people manage to achieve.

Personally, I don't subscribe to the whole "the one" ramblings. But I do believe that there are potential soulmates out there for the vast majority of people. I just don't think the majority of people ever meet them.

Femelade

The Corinthian wrote:

Don’t you think you’re a bit old to be still believing in some form of almost magical true love?

eh, no. :rolleyes:
some people do experience true love you know.....yeah sure, some people never find it but some people do you know....
it does actually exist.

Le Rack

true love totally exists, and anyone who disagrees has eveidently never experienced it,
femmy, feelings develop over time as I'm sure you well know, everyone in my life that knows me at all says I'm gonna end up with the guy who is my best friend now, we do like eachother but are such good friends, but I don't see us getting together and only time will tell. You're young give it time and you will find that someone.

Riamfada

It just comes to you. But some can go their whole life without ever running into the one.

Easily_Irritated

You just hafta wait. You go out looking for it, that involves too much effort for something that should be natural and just right and blah blah blah.

It'll just happen and be like getting slapped accross the face with a wet fish (in a good way, tho )

The Corinthian

Le Rack wrote:

true love totally exists, and anyone who disagrees has eveidently never experienced it

Gosh, did you work that out all on your own?

Please share some other blinding insights with us, like how anyone who doesn’t believe in Heaven evidently has never died before.

Please don’t breed.

Riamfada

Its like being hit by a bus at 100 mph while your reading a magazine about the cuddliest of teddy bears. Getting knocked into the sky and spinning wildly among the stars

Quantum

Femmy wrote:

i'm 25 and have been in and out of a few relationships since i split with the father of my child, who i had been with for nearly 4 yrs.
only once have i ever thought "this could be it" (and that wasnt even with the father of my child). turns out it wasnt "it" which hurt bad.

to put it straight, i'm lonely.

i'm just wondering if u have to look for love or does it just come to you?

I would say to you that it's the same whether you are 18, 25 or 45. No one will come to you. No one will come looking for you in your house.

Out there there are probably many guys who you would find love with. But none of them have any chance of finding you unless you are somewhere that they will meet you.

I realise that you have committments, your little child. But you have to do you absolute best to get out and mix and be seen ... everywhere and anywhere you can.
I also realise that you are vulnerable. Some guys are predatory and see you as an easy target. Only you can find the right balance between suspician and paranoia.
Let your friends know that you are looking. Be open to people. Try to be a happy kind of person, with a smile on your face, and try to be easy to approach.
Many people go around witha puss on them and are closed to others and then wonder why no one likes them or asks them out.....

Lastly... be patient. Its when you're not looking that the great guy comes along. Same with guys looking for partners. Get on with life and enjoy it. People who are happy and busy and fulfilled are the most attractive to others.

best of luck.

Femelade

thank you to the people who have answered my questions and gave advice - much appreciated.
TC, u are an ass. whats with you?
You can never be wrong can you?
just because u have never experienced true love, does that mean it doesnt exist? just because you say so?
frankly, i'm not surprised why some1 like you hasn't experienced it.

The Corinthian

Femmy wrote:

TC, u are an ass. whats with you?
You can never be wrong can you?

I just don’t suffer fools gladly, that’s all. And no I don’t think you are a fool or particularly foolish.

just because u have never experienced true love, does that mean it doesnt exist? just because you say so?

And just because you believe there is, without having experienced it (by your admission) it does? Just because you say so?

Of course I certainly believe that something that could well be called true love exists; two people who are so compatible in all aspects as to naturally be inseparable for life. And for life and not a few years is the big litmus test of true love, kids.

Of course, finding that true love is another thing, and observing others, I’d have to say that few actually do. They find someone who’s close (or sometimes not even that close) but not someone who would stand up to the standards of true love.

Still, bare in mind, I asked you a question, which you’ve not addressed, as to the ambiguity of what you’re seeking. You begin by saying you’re looking for true love then seem to backtrack a little by complaining that you can’t hold onto anyone (a relationship as opposed to a true love). This is more relevant to what you’re asking after all.

So are you assuming that true love will suddenly solve all your relationship shortcomings like magic? This would be the romantic equivalent of pinning your hopes on the Lotto rather than working for a living. If so I would suggest you would have better luck addressing those shortcomings than waiting for Mr. Right.

frankly, i'm not surprised why some1 like you hasn't experienced it.

Really? Being a better person has not helped you experience it any more, it would seem.

Femelade

The Corinthian wrote:

Being a better person has not helped you experience it any more, it would seem.

i'm 25 and you are.....?

The Corinthian

Femmy wrote:

i'm 25 and you are.....?

Male - which give me a lot more time to find mine...

Femelade

The Corinthian wrote:

Male - which give me a lot more time to find mine...

so u admit u too are looking for "the one" or "true love"
aren't u a bit too old to believe in that?

The Corinthian

Femmy wrote:

so u admit u too are looking for "the one" or "true love"
aren't u a bit too old to believe in that?

I never said I was looking. If I find one, all well and good. If I find someone who come close, all well and good too. And if I find no one, well... better than the wrong one. But I'd hardly say I'm looking.

Le Rack

The Corinthian wrote:

Gosh, did you work that out all on your own?

Please share some other blinding insights with us, like how anyone who doesn’t believe in Heaven evidently has never died before.

Please don’t breed.

you twat! love is a feeling, one that makes you feel incredible, like you can fly, like you wanna jump and shout and scream and burst with pure happiness. Love is something we know definately exists. Heaven? No one knows the truth about such a thing, there's no proof of this but love their is proof of. So think things through a bit more the next time your about to be bitter towards someone!

Le Rack

you egotistical male chovinist pig! just cuz your a guy makes you lord over all and better than everyone!? once again in the words of femmy its no wonder you've never experienced the happiness love brings!

The Corinthian

Le Rack wrote:

you twat! love is a feeling, one that makes you feel incredible, like you can fly, like you wanna jump and shout and scream and burst with pure happiness. Love is something we know definately exists. Heaven? No one knows the truth about such a thing, there's no proof of this but love their is proof of. So think things through a bit more the next time your about to be bitter towards someone!

Who said anything about love? I thought we were discussing True Love? Love is cheap - most people will fall in and out of it a dozen times or more in their lifetimes, and it is not the same thing as True Love, which we are led to believe is a singular occurrence in our lives - assuming such a standard is attainable in the first place.

So don’t confuse the two and perhaps think things through too next time you decide to vocalize that cerebral vacuum of yours.

you egotistical male chovinist pig! just cuz your a guy makes you lord over all and better than everyone!? once again in the words of femmy its no wonder you've never experienced the happiness love brings!

Just because I’m a guy? Lord all over? Oh dear... I think it best you should start a new thread to deal with your self-esteem issues.

Zombienosh

The Corinthian wrote:

And if I find no one, well... better than the wrong one.

I like that, thats a good point.

Gordon

TC and LeRack stop it with the insults please.

WhiteWashMan

well, while TC has obviously given some food for thought that some people havent liked the taste of, i have to agree with him.

if you want true love, go and watch the princess diaries, or even the princess bride, now theres a cuase worth living for.

of course, both of those are fantasy films, and i have never met anyone who has had True Love. ive met many people who have been in love and are still in love, and i have met many people who are extremely compatible, and i think this is the closest you will ever get to True Love.

oh, and like all relationships, you do have to have a little bit of input into it, it doesnt just come and sweep you off your feet and turn your life into something brilliant.
i also agree that if someone has by admission failures and shortcomings with regards to relationships and keeping hold of someone, then what makes them think that they will be able to hold mr right (becuase he will have a sticker on him when he is delivered to your door you know).

by the way, i dont think TC said he has never experienced love. i think its presumptious of people to assume that he hasnt.

LeRack wrote:

true love totally exists, and anyone who disagrees has eveidently never experienced it,

if you had true love, why are you just good friends with this guy?
you have obviously experienced true love, because how would you be such an expert?
tell us your true love story, or are you just good friends still?

femmy wrote:

eh, no.
some people do experience true love you know.....yeah sure, some people never find it but some people do you know....
it does actually exist.

those are some serious words for someone who has self confessed to never having experienced it.
talk with out experience, is just talk. i dont think you can profess to be an expert in the area now, can you?

lacuna

WhiteWashMan wrote:

of course, both of those are fantasy films, and i have never met anyone who has had True Love. ive met many people who have been in love and are still in love, and i have met many people who are extremely compatible, and i think this is the closest you will ever get to True Love.

How do you know that no one you have met has had true love? If they are extremely compatable and are very much in love, then maybe that true love enough. Unless they've specifically told you that they haven't, then it would be a bit presumptuous to say definitly that they haven't.
True love could be different for everyone and as long as it meets each person's criteria then can you not say that they are experiencing true love. There are not absolute criteria for true love regardless of what films lead you to believe. It is, after all just a phrase and you can interpret it any way you wish.

Although it's a phrase that I'd rather steer clear of using, there are many people who feel it describes what they are experiencing. Who are we to tell them they are wrong?

If someone is referring to the hollywood film cliche of the sweeping off the feet, easy to maintain, absolutely perfect type of relationship then, I would say that I don't believe that exists. There's work involved in being in a relationship and it's not perfect. Though there are those who enjoy the trials and tribulations of a relationship which tend to keep it from becoming stagnant (not to mention the fun of making up!).

Beruthiel

Femmy wrote:

i'm 25 and you are.....?

25 and you still believe in 'true love'!? :eek:
I presume when you speak of true love, you are talking about the happy ever after fairytale kind?
if you are, I'm surprised that by now you haven't worked out that in order for two people to exist for any length of time together it requires compatibility to the degree where ye can both exist together, the more compatible you are, the longer the relationship has a chance of lasting..
When I was 16 I really believed that true love existed, in fact I found my own Prince Charming - however I grew up eventually, though it did take some time.
To believe that there is only one true Mr. Right aka Prince Charming is rubbish and if you were to wait around in the vein hope he will turn up, you would be lonely for a long time.
there are loads of almost Mr.Compatible Rights who you should never discount, as they are as close as you will get to Prince Charming real time – by the time you hit 30 years of age, people who live in the real world should have gotten that.

Femelade

WhiteWashMan wrote:

those are some serious words for someone who has self confessed to never having experienced it.
talk with out experience, is just talk. i dont think you can profess to be an expert in the area now, can you?

you dont have to be a bloody "expert" to believe that true love exists.

Beruthiel

Femmy wrote:

you dont have to be a bloody "expert" to believe that true love exists.

that's true
for a long time I believe in the tooth fairy and santa

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

25 and you still believe in 'true love'!? :eek:
I presume when you speak of true love, you are talking about the happy ever after fairytale kind?
if you are, I'm surprised that by now you haven't worked out that in order for two people to exist for any length of time together it requires compatibility to the degree where ye can both exist together, the more compatible you are, the longer the relationship has a chance of lasting..

To believe that there is only one true Mr. Right aka Prince Charming is rubbish and if you were to wait around in the vein hope he will turn up, you would be lonely for a long time.
.

whats the definition of "True Love" Beruthiel?
i'm not thinking of bloody fairy tales with price charming...i'm 25.
to me its simply being in love with some1 and knowing that they too are in love with you, and to live our lives together in unison, in love.

true love is different for everybody.

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

that's true
for a long time I believe in the tooth fairy and santa

its a feeling!!!!!
not a fictional character from your childhood!

The Corinthian

lacuna wrote:

Although it's a phrase that I'd rather steer clear of using, there are many people who feel it describes what they are experiencing. Who are we to tell them they are wrong?

Because True Love™ is bit of a misleading term. There are certainly plenty of people out there who think themselves to be in True Love™, but if that were the case why do people keep breaking up all the time? Of course, as I’ve (and WWM) already pointed out this does not mean that they’re not in love (a.k.a. True Love Lite™), which nobody denies exists.

If someone is referring to the hollywood film cliche of the sweeping off the feet, easy to maintain, absolutely perfect type of relationship then, I would say that I don't believe that exists.

This thread began with a post from someone lamenting her failed relationships and wondering when True Love™ would come and give her one that would not fail. It is this happily ever after approach that I was questioning as I don’t think it helps her at all. Indeed, it’s just distracting her from what may really be the cause of her failed relationships - past, present and future.

True Love™ exists in so far as it is as good a love mach as one will realistically ever get between two people at any one time. That’s why people who expect True Love™ rarely find anyone to match their impossible expectations (especially over time) and those who don’t sometimes actually do find it (or something close enough) in the most unlikely of places.

Beruthiel

Femmy wrote:

to me its simply being in love with some1 and knowing that they too are in love with you, and to live our lives together in unison, in love..

I call that love, which may have a beginning, middle and quite often an end.
Some people are happy enough with each other to last a long time, perhaps even all their lives, some don't.

when someone mentions 'true love' to me, I think of that movie the Princess Bride and Buttercup

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

when someone mentions 'true love' to me, I think of that movie the Princess Bride and Buttercup

well thats where we are different then

Beruthiel

Femmy wrote:

well thats where we are different then

in what sense?
are you saying that the difference is, that you will find someone who will most defo stay with you till the day you die?

Zulu

Femmy wrote:

well thats where we are different then

Indeed. Everyone else takes one meaning, and you take another. Good luck with that. :rolleyes:

WhiteWashMan

Femmy wrote:

well thats where we are different then

im not sure i cought your definition of true love.
can you let me know?

it would clear up a lot of confusion.

Gilgamesh

imho, True love if the 'harmless' word of saying you are completely and utterly dependent on your partner and are no longer able to think for your self or need their approval for every breath you take in your life.

Heck, I would prefer to be in Love but True Love sucks bigtime, even if you watch the fairytales, allthough I did like Princess Bride, the guy was totaly irrational, he died several times for Buttercup, just for 'True Love'.
I will go over lengths for my partner, but I would seriously consider dying for them if the time came, might sound harsh but it is the truth

nesf

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with TC, WWM and Ber here and propose that true love does in fact exist.


It's just that most of us call it infatuation.

Hobart

Beruthiel wrote:

are you saying that the difference is, that you will find someone who will most defo stay with you till the day you die?

I don't think the op was suggesting that. That would be naive. She's looking for somebody who would make her feel that she would stay with for the rest of her life. She's lonely, she has made that clear. The hair splitting of her words is not actually adressing her question, and is turning what could have been a decent discussion into a baitfest.

As to your question op. There is no yes or no definitive answer. And while some posters have said "wait" or "it will happen" that's not really the answer either. Each person will tell you a different story of how they met their partner. There is no formula, as such. My story is different to all others. While my fellings for my partner could be described and emphatised by others, only I can feel my feelings. I know it's obvious, but an important point none the less. Is it true love I feel for her? I dunno. But I know it's a strong bond, so it might be, I would descirbe it as my version of true love. That's the best answer I can give to your question.

WhiteWashMan

nesf wrote:

I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with TC, WWM and Ber here and propose that true love does in fact exist.


It's just that most of us call it infatuation.

i dont think any of us said that infatuation doesnt exist.
but infatuation doesnt last. its the thing at the start where you get butterflies in your belly when you think of someone, its the thing that makes you sit by the phone for hours hoing they will call, its when you die a thousand deaths when they brush up against you by accident.
and it goes away.
we all know that exists. but its hardly true love is it? coz like true love is everlasting isnt it?
infatuation is a few months at best. unless you are a stalker.

The Corinthian

Hobart wrote:

I don't think the op was suggesting that. That would be naive.

Are you saying that the OP (or anyone else) cannot be naïve? Or do you have a better reason for your belief that she was not suggesting that?

We can’t assume that she is not simply waiting for Mr Right, who’ll magically make everything right - after all, that’s kind of the point to True Love™. And if she’s not then we need to know what she means before suggesting anything to her.

She's looking for somebody who would make her feel that she would stay with for the rest of her life. She's lonely, she has made that clear. The hair splitting of her words is not actually adressing her question, and is turning what could have been a decent discussion into a baitfest.

Depends on her question. If it is “how / when shall I have a successful long term relationship?” then examining the question is necessary as simply waiting to win the Love Lotto is unlikely to work if there are other, more concrete, reasons that her relationships failed in the past.

Hobart

The Corinthian wrote:

Are you saying that the OP (or anyone else) cannot be naïve?

No.

Or do you have a better reason for your belief that she was not suggesting that?

When addressed about being naive in her quest she went to some lenghts to debunk that suggestion by saying that she was 25, and by default not a kid looking for a crush. I am suggesting that it was not her intention to be naive, nothing else.

We can’t assume that she is not simply waiting for Mr Right, who’ll magically make everything right

Why can we not assume this?

- after all, that’s kind of the point to True Love™.

I believe you mean that that is your belief.

And if she’s not then we need to know what she means before suggesting anything to her.

I, for 1, can suggest to her what I believe is appropiate based on what I believe she is asking. It is then up to the op to decide if what I have suggested was helpful, not helpful or off the mark. Are you saying that you are giving answers to questions you do not understand?

nesf

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i dont think any of us said that infatuation doesnt exist.
but infatuation doesnt last. its the thing at the start where you get butterflies in your belly when you think of someone, its the thing that makes you sit by the phone for hours hoing they will call, its when you die a thousand deaths when they brush up against you by accident.
and it goes away.
we all know that exists. but its hardly true love is it? coz like true love is everlasting isnt it?
infatuation is a few months at best. unless you are a stalker.

I was being sarcastic.

In my opinion. Love exists and infatuation exists. And they can co-exist.

Personally I think people in "true love" are infatuated while being in love with the person. I don't think "true love" exists. Although personally I'm not 100% comfortable with the whole concept of love to start with. I prefer the phrase "caring for someone as much or more than you care about yourself".

Beruthiel

ok
lets get back to the OP's comments then:

Femmy wrote:

just none of my relationships work out and for no reason apparant to me.

my absolute fear is of never experiencing "true love"

Femmy wrote:

some people do experience true love you know.....yeah sure, some people never find it but some people do you know....
it does actually exist.

Femmy wrote:

just because u have never experienced true love, does that mean it doesnt exist?

the above comments suggested that she was looking for the fairytale kind, which is why more than one of us needed clarification

her explaination later became clearer in this comment:

Femmy wrote:

i'm not thinking of bloody fairy tales with price charming...i'm 25.
to me its simply being in love with some1 and knowing that they too are in love with you, and to live our lives together in unison, in love.

true love is different for everybody.

I am suggesting that perhaps she changed her comments a bit because of what some of us said

this sticks out for me though:

Femmy wrote:

just none of my relationships work out and for no reason apparant to me.

might I suggest from all the things that femmy has said so far, I would guess that perhaps her expectations of what exactly a relationship is are too high and even unattainable? Hence the reason no relationship seems to last as it does not come up to standard
I am only saying that on what she has said herself so far in this thread.

The Corinthian

Hobart wrote:

I am suggesting that it was not her intention to be naive, nothing else.

Don’t confuse intention and reality.

Why can we not assume this?

Because she’s repeatedly defended the notion of True Love™, which could be construed as naive depending upon what she means.

I believe you mean that that is your belief.

Not just mine - should you take the time to read the other posts in this thread. And so if there is some confusion as to the correct definition, why are you so surprised that we’re trying to ascertain what is really being discussed rather than making assumptions?

Are you saying that you are giving answers to questions you do not understand?

No. I’m suggesting you are.

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

in what sense?
are you saying that the difference is, that you will find someone who will most defo stay with you till the day you die?

all i'm saying is that we have different opinions in what true love is.

The Corinthian

Beruthiel wrote:

might I suggest from all the things that femmy has said so far, I would guess that perhaps her expectations of what exactly a relationship is are too high and even unattainable? Hence the reason no relationship seems to last as it does not come up to standard
I am only saying that on what she has said herself so far in this thread.

Quite possibly. This whole True Love™ discussion has turned into a distraction, an excuse, obfuscating the real question, IMO.

Femelade

Zulu wrote:

Indeed. Everyone else takes one meaning, and you take another. Good luck with that. :rolleyes:

oh am i the only person in the world that believe's in true love???
doubt it.
there are people all over the world in live - take your blinkers off.

StupidLikeAFox

At the end of the day, you cant rush these things. From what i got outta the original post was that the OP is lonely, wants someone and has had few relationships recently. Im not gonna get bogged down in whats love, true love etc.

Also gonna have to agree with what ber said up above, about standards. Maybe you have an image in your head of the perfect relationship, perfect man etc. Your just gonna have to forget that i think. Take each day as it comes, treat everyone as a different and new person, and not compare them to any perfect imaginary person (if that what you're doing). And have heart your still young! (and thats coming from a 17 year old)