cheating mother

LegacyUser

Hello.

Yesterday I decided to leave work early and go home (I still live with my parents). When I got home, the alarm was on so I didn't think anyone else was there. I went up to my bedroom and heard noise coming from across the hall. I went into my parents room and caught my mum in bed with another man!!!!! - the image just won't get out of my head

My dad knew (as did I secretly) my mum had an affair months ago, but things were supposed to be over and my parents getting on with their lives. My dad is away at the moment and my mum told me it was the last time she was seeing the guy (saying goodbye or some crap like that - breakup sex maybe)

I don't know whether I should tell my dad or not. Given that he's already given her a second chance, telling him about this will probably end their marriage (or empty shell of a marriage), yet I can no longer trust my mum to not do it again.

I'm in my mid twenties and the youngest in the family, so seperation (or divorce) wouldn't be the end of the world. It's just I don't have anyone to talk to. My dad is away and so are my brothers. I can't even bare to go back to the house.
I need some advice.

What would be best for my dad?

Beruthiel

damn her! wrote:

What would be best for my dad?

a loaded question
Rock and a hard place, I do not envy you.
if I were your dad, I would want to know, but that's me.

Honestly, whatever you do will have consequences.
I think, if I was put in that situation I would tell my mother that I would rather she fessed up to your Da than have you tell him

See what she says to that – she certainly should not expect you to keep your mouth shut for her….
also
breakup sex?
I don't think so....

maybe it's time for you to move out and give them some space?

WhiteWashMan

i think its up to your parents to sort out their lives, not you.

while i commiserate with your situation, i dont think you will help anything by acting as a catalyst. if you feel the need, then broach your mother about it.

its not a 'best for father' scenario.

its a 'best for your parents, as a couple' question.

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i dont think you will help anything by acting as a catalyst.

could not agree more with that one

at the end of the day, you have to do your best to keep out of it, try not to take sides (easier said than done probably) but you love both your parents and shouldn't have to see or deal with this full on (which is why I suggested you move out)
in the end, they should be left to deal with this by themselves.

Sherifu

I was in a similar situation once though I wasn't sure it was an affair, I chose not to say anything and the affair(confirmed later) passed.
Its a tricky decision, if I was back again I would have handled it differently.

OT, this reminds me of the Lenny thread

LegacyUser

Thanks for the quick reply Beth.
breakup sex was me getting a little joke in (defense mechanism)

just to say, moving out would be a good idea for me, but I have 2 brothers coming home from abroad next month, so i don't think they would get much space

She's begging me not to tell him, saying it would upset him. It makes me sick that she's trying to cover everything up by using such a pathetic excuse...

regarding telling my dad, I was actually thinking of giving her an ultimatum: tell him or I will. I suppose there would be a slightly better chance for the marriage if it came from her and not me

Xterminator

Its an awkward situation alright.

However your mum is an adult. Your dad is an adult,.and their relationship is really between them. If you interfere you may be seen as the marriage wrecker? (by siblings or either parent).

I would be of the opinion that if your mum is not happy, she has a right to find happiness, even if its in the arms of another man. As you have already said, the marriage hasnt been right for some time!

To put it another way, if you were in a relationship with a partner, and your mum caught you cheating, would you want your mum to tell your partner? I wouldnt, and I suspect your mum might expect she has the right to expect that what she does privately stays private, until she is ready to either leave, or ends it.

PS If i heard 'noises' from my parents bedroom, (before i left) I certainly wouldnt have barged in!

X

Beruthiel

not helpful rkm

Sherifu

/me skulks off

LegacyUser

Xterminator.

I'm not concerned about how I wil be seen afterward, I want to do what I think is best.

Also, If you think you're the only one in your house and you hear noises, you think something like a window is open or possibly someone has broken into the house, not one of your parents having sex with someone else. Besides, the door was ajar, not closed.

Finally, If i cheated on a girlfriend, it wouldnt affect my family the way a parent cheating would.

Gordon

How was the alarm on with them inside? And did the alarm go off?

padser

best solution is for her to tell your father. any other way could leave you feeling like you did the wrong thing later on. tell her its unfair of her to put you in such an invidious position and she what she says

Sherifu

padser wrote:

tell her its unfair of her to put you in such an invidious position and see what she says

If shes like me she'll be reaching for a dictionary.

in·vid·i·ous
1. Tending to rouse ill will, animosity, or resentment: invidious accusations.
2. Containing or implying a slight; discriminatory: invidious distinctions.
3. Envious.

/me goes back to skulking.

Stench Blossoms

Gordon wrote:

How was the alarm on with them inside? And did the alarm go off?

It could have been one of them phone watch alarms, i have one of them and you can set them to 'home' and if you were to come in the front door (the only door that can be opened if the alarm is on) it just makes the same beepin noise as if it were set to away.

LegacyUser

Gordon:
The alarm was on with them inside (obviously set to night time i.e. when occupants are still in the house). The alarm didn't go off

rkm:
thanks for the definition. Thought it was insidious spelt wrong

uberwolf

what right does she have to ask you not to tell your dad?

The best would be her telling your father. He has a right to know IMO. I'd want to know - even if I didn't like hearing it.

stoopidkid

i have to ask, but did you kick the **** out of the other guy or what?

ionapaul

Gotta go with uberwolf on this one - give her the ultimatum: either you tell him or I will.

LegacyUser

stoopidkid wrote:

i have to ask, but did you kick the **** out of the other guy or what?

No. I just left the room and went downstairs into the back room. They got dressed and he left.

Beruthiel

stoopidkid
another comment like that from you and you're banned

damn her! wrote:

I suppose there would be a slightly better chance for the marriage if it came from her and not me

honestly
from what you've posted so far, I'm not sure how interested your mother is in that

LegacyUser

Tell your father. Even if your mother tells him it wont be the same because it may appear that she is telling him of her own accord. This is not the case. The only reason she will be telling him is because you told her too. She would be happy enough keeping it a secret from your father. Its going to hurt him but at least he will know that you are honest instead of 2 dishonest women in his family.

Hope things work out for you. If i was the father i would want to know.

Your mom sounds like a F**king B**ch. It may hurt to hear but its the truth. No honesty or respect for your father. And no honesty or respect for you for that matter.

padser

rkm wrote:

If shes like me she'll be reaching for a dictionary.

in·vid·i·ous
1. Tending to rouse ill will, animosity, or resentment: invidious accusations.
2. Containing or implying a slight; discriminatory: invidious distinctions.
3. Envious.

Yeah i saw that definition but that isnt the way i meant (i got it on google as well but i dont think its correct). an invidious decision or position is one from which there is no way out. Its a classic damned if i do damned if i dont senario. it comes from the word insidious.

http://www.freesearch.co.uk/dictionary/invidious

says

likely to cause unhappiness or be unpleasant, especially because unfair:

- Such a difficult choice placed her in an invidious position.




maybe this thread should be moved to the etimology section?????

Beruthiel

maybe this thread could stay on topic?
B

tinkerbell

Well, I know some people here have suggested to kinda keep out of it, but at the end of the day - your dad is also your parent, so why should you keep quiet for your mom's sake, when she's the one in the wrong?

Think of your dad here - he already found out she had an affair, gave her a second chance, and now she's having it off with another (or maybe the same) man again. Your dad deserves to know. I doubt giving your mom an ultimatium will make her admit to what she's done.

So, in my opinion, I would tell your dad. He has every right to know. Think of it this way, how would you feel if you were married, and your daughter / son caught your husband in bed with another woman? Would you prefer that your child didn't tell you, or that they did tell you? I'd say you'd prefer to be told.

Also, it's disgusting that they were doing it. Your mother has no respect for your dad, so you're better off telling him. At the end of the day, if he finds out later that you knew and didn't tell him, he'll be even more devastated that you protected his cheating wife.

One final thing - she already had an affair, and now she's having another one - I don't think your mother will ever stop cheating on your dad. At least if you tell him now, then he can make an informed decision on the situation, rather than blindly thinking that everything is okay.

joejoem

If you got married and had a kid and your DAD found out your husband had an afair, would you rather he hid it from you to attempt to save your marriage or would you want to know?

Personally if I was your father I would want to know. I would be as annoid about the affair as I would be about the fact that she wants you to help her hide it.

LegacyUser

I think you should tell your father, he deserves to be told the truth.

Be very careful how you handle the situation though i've a friend who found out his mother was having an affair over christmas, he confronted her (infront of the family) and she denied everything and called her son a sh!t strirrer and tried to turn the rest of the family against him. Things remained strained between him and his family for a couple of months then in March his mother packed up and went to America with another bloke, leaving just a note to the family to say she was going. *nasty eh?*

DArcy

Tell your mother that you want her to tell your dad, & threaten that if she doesn't tell him, you will.

That buys you a bit of time, & maybe she'll come clean herself. It would be better for you dad to hear it straight from you mam I think. It couldn't be easy for any parent to hear that their spouse was having an affair, especially not from their youngest child.

If your mam won't own up & tell the truth, you'll have to step in

damn her!

Hey.
Had to register under this name cause all my replies were taking forever to show up (no offense to the mods). For the record, I'm a guy, not a girl.

Someone posted "is she not entitled to be happy?". Of course she is... as is anyone, but not at other people's expense. I asked her why she didn't leave my dad and be with the man. I think the answer is (though she didn't say so) she is used to a well off lifestyle that my dad provides for her.

Thanks everone for your advice. I think the general opinion is to make her tell my dad. That's what I was thinking of doing. But first I'm gonna go away for a few days and clear my head. It's quite hard getting my head round all of this.

I feel so sorry for my dad. He's given her a good life...

hshortt

i feel bad for you! Are you certain that your dad is not cheating too? Is it possible that they might have an arragement?

As a child of that marraige you've every right and (in my opinion) obligation to tell your dad. If it was me I'd tell him. You should not have the bear the weight of the responsibility and I hope that some of the responses here let you know that.

Best of luck.
Howard

damn her!

Hey.

Thanks for the post Howard. I'm certain my dad isn't cheating (can't explain how i know that but I'm sure).

I gave my mum an ultimatum this morning - either tell him by this evening or I will. She's been ringing me all day (at work) trying to convince me not too. Finally came to the point where she blamed me for ruining their marriage and that I had no feelings for my dad whatsoever. She ended up getting pretty nasty and hanging up on me.

It's really surreal that my mum is trying to manipulate me into not saying anything. It makes me feel ashamed and disgusted with her. She's like a stranger to me. I think my relationship with her is virtually over. She's blaming me... and from my point of view, one of the few people I'm supposed to always be able to rely on has turned against me

hshortt

That's a shame, but give her time to come around. Hopefully it will work out ok for you guys. Your mom will eventually come to understand that you were right in making her face up to her responsibilites.

Don't feel that it's you that's wreaking their marriage, you didn't take any vows and you didn't break them.

There may be a better source of help available to you than the boards, I'm sure you know what I mean, but you must remember that this is not your fault.

Best of luck,
Howard

Dreamcatcher

damn her! wrote:

I asked her why she didn't leave my dad and be with the man. I think the answer is (though she didn't say so) she is used to a well off lifestyle that my dad provides for her.
....
I feel so sorry for my dad. He's given her a good life...

Your Dad needs to find out the sort of woman that he's married to, so that he doesn't waste any more of his life with her.
She sounds like someone who would make this into a difficult divorce for everyone, so that she'll have financial security.
It's a broken marriage plain and simple. Your Dad is better off without her, painful as it will be at first.

To me cheating is ALWAYS wrong, but the fact that she was with her lover in the same bed that she shares with your Dad shows the height of disrespect and disregard for your Dad and the marriage.

I gave my mum an ultimatum this morning - either tell him by this evening or I will. She's been ringing me all day (at work) trying to convince me not too. Finally came to the point where she blamed me for ruining their marriage and that I had no feelings for my dad whatsoever. She ended up getting pretty nasty and hanging up on me.
...
She's blaming me... and from my point of view, one of the few people I'm supposed to always be able to rely on has turned against me.

hshortt wrote:

Don't feel that it's you that's weaking their marraige, you didn't take any vows and you didn't break them.

I couldn't agree more. Well said.

OP, Could you not confide in another family member, so that it doesn't end up with her denying everything and it'll just come down to your word against hers..?
(I suppose, you at least have this thread which you could show to your Dad, if she starts denying).

simu

A "see/hear/speak no evil" policy is best with parents - you don't want to get stuck in the middle. It was careless of your mother to carry her affair out in such a way that you found out about it and so, I don't think it will be long before your father finds out too. Maybe he already has.

I don't think you should break all contact with your mother either although it's understandable that you should feel dazed temporarily by what you have witnessed. No one, not even parents, do the "right thing" all the time and her relationship with your father is her business, not yours!

Dreamcatcher

simu wrote:

A "see/hear/speak no evil" policy is best with parents - you don't want to get stuck in the middle. It was careless of your mother to carry her affair out in such a way that you found out about it and so, I don't think it will be long before your father finds out too. Maybe he already has.

Now what has the OP said to indicate that his Dad already knows? A previous poster suggested the possibility that there may be an "open relationship" arrangement but the OP came back and said that wasn't the case. His Dad had forgiven his wife for some previous playing around, and now she is still at it, only she got caught this once when her son happened to come home early. Who's to say that this wasn't a regular afternoon thing when she thought that the house would be empty?

simu wrote:

I don't think you should break all contact with your mother either although it's understandable that you should feel dazed temporarily by what you have witnessed. No one, not even parents, do the "right thing" all the time and her relationship with your father is her business, not yours!

NOT if she uses the family home for her selfish, sexual escapades.
I mean think about what you're saying there simu! Put yourself in the OP's shoes. You happen to finish work early one day and you discover your mother in your parents bed with a man who is not your Dad!
"Dazed temporarily" is it? She has placed her son in an invidious position.
As I said earlier, she has zero respect for her husband...

simu

Dreamcatcher wrote:

NOT if she uses the family home for her selfish, sexual escapades.
I mean think about what you're saying there simu! Put yourself in the OP's shoes. You happen to finish work early one day and you discover your mother in your parents bed with a man who is not your Dad!
"Dazed temporarily" is it? She has placed her son in an invidious position.
As I said earlier, she has zero respect for her husband...

Everybody would like their parents to have the perfect relationship but that doesn't always happen. It's their relationship - having one of their kids sticking their nose in will just cause needless strife and embarassment. What father wants to hear from his son that his wife has been with some other man?

Whether he's indifferent/dazed/totally crushed, he'd be better off to stay out of things imo.

uberwolf

I think saying that your parents relationship is their business misses the concept of family somewhat. The relationships are massively bound up in each other.

The mothers response is twisted. Predicatable I suppose, but twisted. Sorry to hear it OP.

simu

uberwolf wrote:

I think saying that your parents relationship is their business misses the concept of family somewhat. The relationships are massively bound up in each other.

Maybe but you have to keep certain divides as well. Ideally, parents shouldn't dump their relationship problems on kids - in this case, that has already started with the mother's threats but the OP can still get out of the conflict.

hshortt

Why should any mothers child have to bear the weight and responsibility of such a hurtful experience?

Talking and open communication is what solves problems, burying them, or avoiding them get's you nowhere.

Cheers

damn her!

Originally Posted by hshortt
Why should any mothers child have to bear the weight and responsibility of such a hurtful experience?


Your right. I saw my parents together the other day. I couldn't bare knowing what my mum had done and my dad just sitting there not knowing.

Anyway, I made her tell my dad on Tuesday (btw the guy is the same as the original affair). Luckily for me, my brother had come home last weekend and he was really supportive saying I had made the right decision.

The latest is that my mum has been having an affair with this guy for years and has even gone on holidays with him a few times. This is the third time my dad has caught her and yet he still hasn't kicked her out . He's still looking to work things out . Myself and my brother are dumbfounded. Even if she is my mother, my dad should get rid of her.
She even has the nerve to suggest that they seperate, she still lives in the house and continues to see the guy. Even my dad thinks thats unacceptable.
I feel so sorry for him. He's lost all his sense of self worth


sorry, I edited your post by mistake instead of hitting the reply icon *blush*

LegacyUser

I've been through a situation a bit like that, cept I didn't discover it, and my dad was the one having the affair. it really sucks. anyway my mum kicked him out when she found out. they'd been having problems for some time and he stayed in a friends place for a few weeks and then came back and then the same again. he was having the affair all along.
i haven't seen him for about 5 years. i don't miss him. he's not the dad I had growing up - that person is dead.

Beruthiel

damn_her wrote:

This is the third time my dad has caught her and yet he still hasn't kicked her out :eek: . He's still looking to work things out . Myself and my brother are dumbfounded

ya, it's hard to understand from the outside.
However, I suggest you keep out of it from now on and let them get on with it.
I would never stay in that type of relationship myself, but I understand why some do.
Your da is married to your mother for a reason, sometimes kids can't see that reason, he may have more than one, perhaps he truly loves her, after many years of marrige, it becomes comfortable and going out into the unknown by yourself is a very difficult and scarey thing to do.
It's his life, leave him to decide what he wants from it.
Have you thought any more about moving out and giving them space?

Dreamcatcher

damn her! wrote:

The latest is that my mum has been having an affair with this guy for years and has even gone on holidays with him a few times. This is the third time my dad has caught her and yet he still hasn't kicked her out . He's still looking to work things out . Myself and my brother are dumbfounded. Even if she is my mother, my dad should get rid of her.
She even has the nerve to suggest that they seperate, she still lives in the house and continues to see the guy. Even my dad thinks thats unacceptable.
I feel so sorry for him. He's lost all his sense of self worth

Well, as I suspected, the random fact of you arriving home early from work that day was not necessarily an indication that this was a once off afternoon.

How close are you to your dad?
I know that other people have advised that you now distance yourself, but if you feel that you are close to your Dad, then maybe he could really do with someone like yourself or another family member to talk to.
Or better still, look into getting him to go to a good counciller/therapist via his GP, if he can afford it, and it sounds like he could.
He is probably trying to maintain a "front" to the outside world that everything is ok. That is a natural reaction.
Meanwhile, I imagine that he is falling apart inside, and this may ultimately affect his mental and physical health, if he does not have someone to talk to, some sort of outlet, rather than bottling it up and/or living in denial.

Also, it may be wise for him to consult a solicitor just so that he knows what's at stake should he opt for a divorce, and just to know(despite the fact that he is in shock now and wants to work things out).
He needs to be secretive about this - seeing a councellor and/or solicitor - just as she has been secretive, doing stuff behind his back.

...or maybe he would prefer that that the relationship becomes on "open relationship".....if he is comfortable with adjusting to this...

Anyway, I hope that I've posted some food for thought. I am not an expert! But I hope that my post has been useful in some way...