any advice?

Le Rack

emm, right,
I am totally and utterly in love with a guy have been for quite some time.
And I dont just mean I really like him, I would willingly lay down my life for him, but just since recently (January-ish) things have been really bad between us.
We went out for about six months on/off and he said that he felt more for me than he ever thought it was possible to feel for anyone. We got on brilliantly and were inseperable, we were the perfect couple or so absolutely every one said. Things started getting rough for us he tecnically speaking cheated on me (he claimed we weren't together at the time but were) he went away for six weeksand I got with a guy who had been a threat to him for a long time but things were bad there too cuz I only wanted to be with the first guy.
We didn't talk for a long time and when I finally brought myself to confront him he said a lot of things and was then dumped by the girl he had ended up getting with (the cheat) cuz she thought she was cheating on her with me as he had cheated on other girls with me before. But one of the things he said was basically that I had ruined his life.
Again we didn't talk and whenever I was with someone he would be allover the guy and really friendly with him so I couldn't get near who I was with.
Now we're both single again and we have been rebuilding a friendship over the past few weeks and at times we're just like how we were when we first met but at times I don't exist to him.
I asked him last night if there was ever any chance of us getting back together and got no reply and when I seen him today he was really distant and seemed really down/blue.
I know that if we get back together I'll probably get hurt again but I don't care I love him.
But has any one any advice on rebuilding what we had?

kittenkiller

Run very fast in the opposite direction!

Le Rack

okay that really doesn't help.
I'm talking about actual advice.

kittenkiller

That IS actual advice!

He CHEATED on you.
He had no feelings for you when he was doing whatever he was doing with this other girl!
He prefered her over you & acted upon it.
His guilt ruinned his relationship with her & now he thinks he can mess you about again to make himself feel good again.

Run away!!!

You'll get over him!

Le Rack

Ive tried it wont work.
I tried avoiding him
I tried moving on
I tried hating him
I tried to just be friends with him
nothing works!

Sangre

Have you tried blasting across alkaline flats in rocket powered monkey navigated...

kittenkiller

If it's only been going on since Janurary, TRY HARDER!

It's only been a few months.

Avoid him.
If he's in the same pub as you, LEAVE.
If a mate of yours is chatting to him, walk away.
DO NOT try to be civil about things, just walk away!!!

He's using you as a confidence boost!
For your own sake, don't let him.

Sangre

Rubbish, don't leave places, don't let him dictate your life or ruin your fun or have any bearing on the way you live your life.
If he talks to you be brief, civil and completely bored...act as if he as no relevance on your life, whatsoever.
He only wants to boost his ego after the break up and if he finds you're not interested he'll leave.
Storming out of pubs will only show he still matters to you.
Just suppress all feelings when he is about.

kittenkiller

Sangre wrote:

Rubbish, don't leave places, don't let him dictate your life or ruin your fun or have any bearing on the way you live your life.
If he talks to you be brief, civil and completely bored...act as if he as no relevance on your life, whatsoever.
He only wants to boost his ego after the break up and if he finds you're not interested he'll leave.
Storming out of pubs will only show he still matters to you.
Just suppress all feelings when he is about.

This only works once you're OVER someone.
No need to storm out of somewhere makin a big point about it.
Just leave before you start thinking it's a good thing to let him worm his way back into your head.

Sangre

You have to let him think you're over him so he'll stop bothering her and move on so she can aswell.

Dub_Ster

Le Rack wrote:

Ive tried it wont work.
I tried avoiding him
I tried moving on
I tried hating him
I tried to just be friends with him
nothing works!

how about faceing reality ......

my x girlfiend done to me you dont disereve it dont take the **** walk away
find a decent person cause they do exist its kinda like panin for gold in away.

delet number all texts everything and just get on with your own life , and have fun and if you start to think about the person change your thaught process just be strong ....

nesf

Dub_Ster wrote:

how about faceing reality ......

my x girlfiend done to me you dont disereve it dont take the **** walk away
find a decent person cause they do exist its kinda like panin for gold in away.

delet number all texts everything and just get on with your own life , and have fun and if you start to think about the person change your thaught process just be strong ....

Nearly indesipherable, but solid advice none the less.

Getting over someone is hard. But sometimes it needs to be done. I still love one of my ex's deep down. As much as she cut all the strings between us and has changed so much from when we were together, I still do love her. We were a terrible couple really looking back on things, and I would not be with her again if that extremely unlikely prospect ever surfaced. We were bad for each other and I think that we took away alot from each other and restricted each other an awful lot.

But I still love her.

Just because you love someone does not mean you should be together!

Sometimes the best thing to do is to not deny yourself the feelings you have, but to just accept that you have them and act in both of your best interests. It is not uncommon to love an ex, generally speaking a major one, but usually there was a good reason for breaking up in the first place and unless that has changed drastically, then there really is no reason to add salt to old wounds by being with them.

You are probably too young to have realised that you will most likely love many people throughout your life in different ways. Not always romantically, but love is not something restricted to relationships. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the only way to exist is to be with a person because you love them. If you love them then you will do the right thing, and should not be putting the need to reinforce the love you feel by being in a relationship with them. There are times when you are not loved back. I know because I am in that situation now.

Just be glad that you found someone you could feel so deep a connection with, but don't ever for a moment think that this is your one shot at love. There will be others, when the right one comes along you will know it.

That or you'll die single, either way works really.

Bamboozled

Le Rack wrote:

I know that if we get back together I'll probably get hurt again but I don't care I love him.

You will care when you get hurt again and think about it - would that hurt be more bearable than this? This hurt will eventually ease, but being with him because you love him and KNOWING you will be hurting may not ease at all if you're with him for a long time.

But has any one any advice on rebuilding what we had?

Step away from the situation and look at it objectively. If it was a friend going through this, what would you tell them? Great advice from nesf, but if rebuilding is really what you want to try.....

My ex-husband spoke a wonderful saying to me when we were splitting up: If you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they'll come back to you. Let him go his own way for a while. You should also go your own way - find a new hobby, take up a course - something to fill time and take your concentration so that this doesnt consume the time it has been. With a little distance and a length of time of you both doing your own thing, maybe you'll both mature a little bit more and be able to see whether you both can work the cheating thing out. Cheating doesnt necessarily mean the end if you manage to communicate properly. All contact need not stop while you are both having your time, just not as much.

Concentrate more on rebuilding friendship for friendships sake, rather than trying to rebuild it only for the purpose a romantic relationship.

If you love him, let him go, much and all as it hurts. If he loves you, he'll realise it, try to resolve things and come back a bit more sure and a bit more mature than what he was.

Please dont take this up the wrong way and see it as me calling both of you immature. There's always more to learn in life, which matures us each time we pay attention to it and learn from it.

People make mistakes. Some get second chances, some others never do. Sometimes those mistakes are a real wake-up call.

I wish you luck in whichever way you choose to go about it.

Le Rack

We never officially broke up things just got arsed up. That side of things was in October but between there and Jan is a blur cuz he was away a lot and just wasnt in town in general.
As for being too young to understand love, I understand it so much more than you'd believe, I love him in way thats inconceivable I would do anything for him and I love my friends dearly aswell, I wouldn't survive without them they don't know how much I appreciate and love them for being there for me and listening to me sh!te on about the simplist of things. And love relationship-wise there is different levels of it, I went out with a guy, but didnt love him romantically at all I simply had the deepest of respect, trust and friendship for him.
Avoiding him completely? No. We cant for starters cuz we're in bands that work together and are of the same group of best friends. I still want him in my life and, I love him so I want to see him happy even if its not with me but that particular girl he was with was cow and I didnt want to see him get hurt. (I went to school with her) I want to be as good friends with him as we were at the least and then maybe if possible more.
He did love me or so the lads said they told me they had never seen him as happy or comfortable as when he was with me so opefully that counts for something. Ive only felt Iv ever loved two guys that deeply and when Im with him my world feels complete and Im fully aware I may find that with someone else but it still wont be the same.
And to those who said to cut him out of my life completely? Thats ridiculous thats practically running away from my problems!

Gordon

Sorry but you would lay down your life for him?
"I would willingly lay down my life for him"

And then you say you don't care if you get hurt?
"I know that if we get back together I'll probably get hurt again but I don't care I love him."

So what's the problem? Why don't you be a doormat and lay down your life for him no matter how he treats you? Lets face it - his life is more important than yours because you'd lay down your life for him.

Is there a problem with you being the doormat? If so, why?

Le Rack

Yes I would lay down my life for him if it came to it, life or death situation, if he needed like an organ donor or summit.
Yes I'm aware of the fact that if we got back together I may get hurt, at least I'm aware of it, I'm not blinded/oblivious by/to him, but regardless of the fact that i could get hurt I want to be with him because I love him. If you felt so strongly for someone wouldn't you want to be with them even if it was at risk?
I'm not a doormat I don't let people walk all over me (apologies for bad pun), I haven't been a doormat, Ive stood up, Iv confronted him and we're rebuilding a friendship, I dont give in to his every whim but I would still do practically anything for him, and its not being a doormat its because I love him and Ill always be there for him, A true friend sticks by someone through thick an thin.

Gordon

So what's the problem?

Le Rack

Read the first damn thing!

WhiteWashMan

youre not in love.
youre obsessed.

Gordon

"But has any one any advice on rebuilding what we had?"

Hmm I guess your whole thread is asking this question huh? This is the crux of this thread.

In that case I change my tack and will give you advice:

You are doing great, after all this crap that has happened, people cheating on each other and all that - you are back to a good healthy friendship, back to the way it was in the beginning. My advice is - keep doing what you are doing but do not push him to have an intimate relationship with you. I would advise you to try and find out what is making him blue and distant. But again, do not force this.

Chill, you're doing grand.

How's that?

Le Rack

much better thank you!
I was beginning to think you were merely a condesending git!

(in case thats not the right word, I dont actually know what it means but it sounds good! I think its sunnit to do with being arrogant....)

Gordon

I am that also.

Good to be of help, case closed etc.

Le Rack

hmmmm.....

Gir

Sangre wrote:

Have you tried blasting across alkaline flats in rocket powered monkey navigated...

Did something similar myself once. A dinner tray down some stairs. No monkey though. But a monkey would have made the experience on reflection.

tinkerbell

These kind of threads always begs the question:

Why do people want to get back with someone who treats them like total dirt?

Woman, get a grip on yourself and face reality - he's a cheat, and quite possibly will cheat on you again. So move on with your life, as WWM said, you do seem to be a bit obsessed, which is not healthy, and go find some new lad to set your sights on.

LegacyUser

To the OP - have been in a similar situation in the past - he went out with my best friend hours after we had had a row and then when we had a bad row a few months later cheated on me again with my ex best friend...I forgave him and over time we got back and ended up dating for a few years, getting engaged etc, then he cheated on me again...save yourself the hastle and keep away from this guy...I wish that I had not wasted my 20's on my ex.

Capt'n Midnight

tinkerbell wrote:

These kind of threads always begs the question:

Why do people want to get back with someone who treats them like total dirt?

That's a topic in it'self - the simple answer is "treat them mean to keep them kean".

The question is how you would feel with someone else ?
And the old chestnut of wanting something you can't have - You say he blamed you for ruining his life. Of course it's not because he cheats. And if he cheats then he can obviously get other girls fairly easily - many other posters here would sacrifice small babies to have such a social live - not exactly a ruined life from thier point of view.

Is he selfish ?

Where do you want to be with him , can you picture it happening ? Could you trust him to not stray in future ?

cajun_tiger

Hey OP listen you need to walk away i come from one with a past of sh!tty a$$ men!!

I would walk(its hard as hell and by god it takes guts) do it and you'll be the better for it!!

pickarooney

Obsession is grand, it makes you feel alive (in some horrid, masochistic way).

Dub_Ster

Le Rack ,

ok this is what i would point out over the amount of diffeent people who have posted on this thread it quite cleer that you asked for advice yes .

Are you takeing this advice ? No

which leads me to beleave that your not happy to be hearing that the
advice that you are getting ! take the advice move on forget about it and have fun.......

have you ever heard of the expression so sweet it'le root your teeth .

or what we actuly want and what you need are to different things ie ,

You need to , walk away,

yeah people blow people of each others feet all the time , i had my xx who was so sweet she root your teeth bye lookin at her but she was a cow and well that was the first one .

Second girl was what i wanted but i didnt need her yet she dumped me and really kicked my self asteam cleen out of my body but it did teach me one thing ,

to understand madess you first gotta go there and beleave me i did a lot of stupid things and people dont talk to me because of it , but shore ive lernt that following your heart isnt all ways the best messure , and may lead to unwanted complacaions ,
that you really dont need.
trust me forget about it put it to a leson in life , learn from it and the next person ya meet you will be slighty wiser ..

Le Rack

I know I asked for advice and realise your all giving it to me but I do really want to make an effort to keep him in life even if just as a good friend so any help there?

WhiteWashMan

yeah.
leave him.

to be honest you are wasting both his time and your time with this nonsensical relationship.
i want you to draw up a list of pros and cons of being in a relationship with him, and then i want you to post them up here so we can see them, and understand what it is that keeps you coming back for more.
or really, if its just a case of you not being able to get over it.

will you do that?

Le Rack

okay if I dont put it up later tonight it will be tomorrow evening but Ill do it!

tinkerbell

Good, post up that list. Excellent idea WWM.

And Le Rack - you came on here asking for ADVICE, not wanting us to tell you what YOU want to hear. From an outside point of view, you are getting yourself into a bad place.

Gordon

In fairness LeRack wanted advice on how to rebuild her relationship, she didn't ask if she should go back to him. Therefore all people giving advice which is "don't go back to him" aren't actually answering her initial issue.

Le Rack

thank you Gordon!
Im only back from training so havent got that list but I will do it.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Le Rack

Tae Kwon Do

tinkerbell

Okay then - rebuilding your friendship with him:

If you want to be his friend that bad, then talk to him, hang out once in a while - don't jump into being a best buddy straight away.

To be honest, I'd advise keeping your relationship with him purely as a friendship, and not getting involved romantically with him again. He already cheated on ya, so if you don't wanna get hurt, keep it as a friendship. But if you do like him loads, you won't be able to have too close a friendship coz this would mean him telling you about his latest conquests, which you may not be comfortable with.

I dunno really

TattyTeddy

Look, this will prob sound like the worst advice ever but it might just work. So, you are completely in love with this guy? But, he cheated on you. This is unforgiveable. Easy to say. I reckon you suss out if there's a chance you can get back together, if he says YES(and only if he says yes) be completely honest about how you feel regards your relationship and his cheating. Then perhaps give him one more chance but if he doesn't literally worship the ground beneath your feet, then lose him and forget about him safe in the knowledge that you gave it all you could. Hope things work out for you girly!

pickarooney

Would he want to be your friend if you were in love with someone else and not romantically interested in you? If not, forget about this friendship lark and decide if you want to risk being screwed over again or move on.

Le Rack

tatty teddy this I have considered before.
pickarooney dont understand first sentence?

tinkerbell

Where's that list of pros and cons, Le Rack?

Le Rack

I did them I wrote them out in study but they're so bloody long if I get the chance later I'll out em up.
I spent today and yesterday with him and some of tomorrow and Tuesday too!!
Its been os great we've been like the real friends we used to be, being couply with out being together if that makes any sense... and it was without tension or pressure or even trying to put it on we just were... and I dunno but I think we might be back together soon...

Le Rack

hes not particulary selfish his music is very important to his life and I understand that and stand by him with it. (im not sure if thats what you mean. sorry if its not)
and yeah I've seen us together for the past year and so has every one else, my mam even referred to him as my Mr. Right!!!!!!!!! I'm 17 for Christs sake! and yeah I would trust him not to stray cuz hes learned it the hard way and seen proof of his not straying with his last girlf.

Le Rack

okay I've got the pros and cons
Ill do the pros first as its quite long and they are in order the most realistic important ones are first and they become kinda petty and silly toward the end but hey!

I love him
Great Personality
Funny
Always makes me smile
Always makes me laugh
Always cheers me up
Is easy to talk to
Is there for me when I need him
He encourages me in whatever I do
He supports me
Has boosted my self-confidence immensly and still does
Always have a good time with him
Protects me
Looks out for me
Makes me feel safe
Makes me feel happy
Is a free spirit and has taught me to be so
It feels great to even just be near him
I can be 100% myself around him and never feel the need to hide anything
He's intelligent
He's romantic
He's senual
He's sensitive
He's caring
My parents like him
He lives fairly nearby
He's a;ways welcome in my house
He's a great entertainer
He's a great musician
He's a great songwriter
He's a great poet
He kinda taught me guitar, well made me play again and write songs poetry..
He's childish and fun
Always comes up with crazy fun ideas
He's gorgeous
He's "great"
Is only a week older than me

Le Rack

and now for the cons.....

Can be a bit unreliable
Bit of a bullsh!tter, exagorator
Compulsive heartbreaker
Sh!t stirrer
Cheater (has been/ was) (i believe)
Sometimes too childish
Sometimes too boystrous
Rip-off artist (musically) (but his own stuff is still great)
Can be self-obbsessed
Thinks he's gods gift to women
Manwhore/player
Only see him once a week
Overly smooth talker (if you try confront him he sweet talks you down)

Le Rack

having said the cons he was a very different guy today and yesterday. He has been totally reliable recently and having said that ages ago if he couldn't get a lift into town he'd get a taxi into town just to see me and it would be like 20€ each way which is a lot for him cuz he's living with his grand parents but has to kanda support himself. Im not trying to make up excuses for him but he is a really good guy under it all.

dog hates doug

hi le rack.

you know who this is! ok well i'v been looking at all that you and every1 else has wrote. and for every1 else out there, i know le rack and i know this guy who we are discussing. all of the cons previously listed are very true. but i do see some of the pros, not many though, but a few.

we'v talked about this situation before and you know my opinion (against the get-back-together) cos this guy is very egotistical. he knows how you feel about him, but i reckon he loves the feeling of knowing that he could have you back whenever he wants.

le rack, you know that i've been in this situation with a guy with the similiar "habits" but not to the same magnitude of course. i can safely say that i didn't and do not love him, altho i did feel quite strongly about him. but the same thing happened with me. he treated me so f***in badly!! but i cut my losses and (eventually) moved on, and it turned out that the guy who i'm really happy now with, was there all along but i was too hung up on the loser i liked to even notice him and what was going on... and i think that it's this sort of obsession that prevents us from being happy, with someone else or even just on our own. (i should know!!)

honey, i personally think that it's time to cut your losses, well not losses as such, but plz don't open up old wounds. you were crushed so badly the last time and i really don't want to see the same thing to happen to you again.

le rack, you're a very determined person and i know you won't want to hear this, but plz try to take my advise and every1 else's on board.

Mr.Nice Guy

Pro:

Le Rack wrote:

Is there for me when I need him

Con:

Le Rack wrote:

Can be a bit unreliable

Pro:

Le Rack wrote:

He encourages me in whatever I do

Con:

Le Rack wrote:

Bit of a bulls!tter,exagorator

Pro:

Le Rack wrote:

Protects me

Con:

Le Rack wrote:

Compulsive heartbreaker

Pro:

Le Rack wrote:

He's sensitive

Con:

Le Rack wrote:

Sh!t stirrer

Pro:

Le Rack wrote:

He's caring

Con:

Le Rack wrote:

Cheater(has been/was) (i beleive)

And so forth. Anyone else as confused as I am about this whole thing?

b3t4

Right, girly, now who are you trying to convince yourself or us??

Thing is it didn't work out between ye two and by the sounds of its not going to (No matter what you tell yourself). Hun, it's time to move on, yup, it's as hard as hell but you'll be glad you did it in the end. Trust me, I know something about this

As you said you are only 17 and so is he. Give yourself some time. Allow your heart to be broken, stop trying to fix it by doing what won't fix it.

A