cheating?

whattodo

I need peoples advice on what to do. I've been with my boyfriend almost 2 years. Its long distance. We've had are ups and downs but always managed to get through them.

But his friendship with an ex partner (who lives 5 minutes from him) is really getting on my nerves because i think he's cheating on me with her. Lets call her N

From the very start he's lied about her. He told me they never slept together which i found out about 6months later to be a lie. He said he didnt know whether he lied to me because he actually forgot because it was such a long time ago or whether he didnt want me getting the wrong idea.

Anytime were out she never comes anywhere near him when im there but if i go to the toilet when i come back she'll be over talkin to him or vice versa.

He always goes to his local with her and another one of his male friends and anytime he's with her he says he can't text me because he doesnt want to be rude but always texts her back when he's with me.

He was sick awhile ago and i went to visit him. He got a message and he said it was from his friend P. I had a feeling he was lying. So later on i asked him could i send a text and he said yeh. I went into his mesage counter and he had been texting her not P. I went into his sent items to see what he had said to her and he has delete her messages (nobody elses, just hers)
I confronted him about it and he said he just didnt want me getting the wrong idea. I left anyway and when i got home i text him to say i was home alright and he said "i cant text you N is here" i was fuming.

He's goes to the pub and forgets to mention thats she's there. Forgets to mention that she takes my dvd's and make up when she's at his house until i ask where my stuff is.

Yesterday he texted me and asked me to ring him he has something funny to tell me so i ring him and he tells me that he was just off the phone to his mate P and P was out on sat nite and woke up on sun mornin in N bed. I asked him what she had to say about it and he said that he hadnt been talkin to her. There was something in his voice that made me doubt him so i asked him twice more had he been talking to her at all and he said no.

I didnt believe him so i checked his online bill and it turns out i was right that he had been talking to her. He had rang her that mornin.

I really think that because he's lying so much that there has to be something going on between them.

I asked him about it and he said that he was talking to her about something else not the thing with P but i specifically asked him had he been talking to her at all and he had said No.

Do you think he's cheating?

scoey

whattodo wrote:

Do you think he's cheating?

Honestly, yes, it does all sound quite suspicious.

Gilgamesh

first of all, in my experience long distance relationships hardly ever work, especially if the Ex lives closer to your partner than you do. this can only backfire.

As to the lying, by that magnitude from how you explain it, I would dump him, if he can't even be honest to you about that he was chatting to his ex, then he is been dishonest about other things aswell.

Personally I don't think that going through other peoples bills and text messages is a good way of handling things, but I guess it is a mixture of paranoia and jealousy causing that.

All the best anyway

ravenhead

yeah if he's trying so hard to cover his tracks when he is with her then yes he more than likely is,

DublinWriter

N + U = X

whattodo

I'm naturally a jealous and suspicious person. Thing is if i hadnt gone through his phone or bill i would have never known he was lyin.

Sangre

Even if he isn't cheating he is a liar.

TinCool

There's a rather large lack of trust between the two of you from what you've posted and to make a long distance relationship work (well any relationship for that matter but is more prominent in long distance ones) is to have trust. You are constantly doubting what he says, and checking his mobile for texts, online bills for evidence of phone calls. Your suspicsions have been rightly found though.

Bottom line is, if you don't/can't trust him, then you really need to talk to him about it. If the trust isn't there, it will not work.

TC

scojones

Sangre wrote:

Even if he isn't cheating he is a liar.

Spot on. He should not be trusted.

whattodo

My lack of trust comes from him lying about her. He had no need to lie at the very start by sayin he never slept with her. I wouldnt have really cared but the fact that he lied about that makes me doubt everything he says about her.

I text him just there and said that I'm being paranoid and jealous. He said that he rang her looking for a number nothing else and he didnt even register that as a phone call. I asked for my Dvd's back that she has and he said he's going up to get them off her later. To me this is like rubbing it in my face.

I said its me or her because i can't deal with the lies and he said I need to grow up

Gilgamesh

whattodo wrote:

. I wouldnt have really cared but the fact that he lied about that makes me doubt everything he says about her.

if you say you didn't really care, why did you ask then in the first place?????
this situation could have two sides, maybe you are overreacting.
Maybe your paranoia is causing him to lie as you might have gone apesh!t on him once before when this topic came up,
I know that I am turning my opinion from my first comment, but the last post bugged me a bit.
I had a g/f once who monitored my life, she had to know where I was going and with whom, and if I didn't tell her she woudl start crying or pick a fight with me about it, it was so extrem that she had her friends spying on me for some time, that was when I broke up then.

look at how you are reacting towards him and maybe have a direct one to one with him and talk in a normal manner.
don't get anybody else involved in the talk though and don't make assumptions unless you can tell he is lying at that time

Beruthiel

if your relationship has gotten to the stage where you have to check up on him, it's already over

AARRRGH

Some questions.

1. Did he ever tell you he cheated on his ex?
2. Is his ex good looking?
3. Do you know most men will cheat if given the right circumstance? (drunk/good looking girl/partner won't find out/generally being a male)
4. What age are you?
5. Define long distance please.

AARRRGH

Beruthiel wrote:

if your relationship has gotten to the stage where you have to check up on him, it's already over

No. That's harsh.

However it does sound like this is not a meaningful/deep/proper relationship whatsoever.

whattodo

Gilgamesh wrote:

if you say you didn't really care, why did you ask then in the first place?????

No no see we seen her in the pub and he pointed her out and said "Thats N, were really good friends, dont worry we only ever kissed"

Then 6 months later i was talking to his friend and he said something about her and my boyfriend in the old days never leaving bed as a joke and i didnt understand him so i asked him to explain and he said "Oh did ya not know they were wit each other" Then i asked my boyfriend had he slept with her and he said "yeh loads but it was ages ago"

whattodo

Some questions.

1. Did he ever tell you he cheated on his ex? NO
2. Is his ex good looking? Honestly to me i dont think so at all
3. Do you know most men will cheat if given the right circumstance? (drunk/good looking girl/partner won't find out/generally being a male) Yeh
4. What age are you? 21
5. Define long distance please. About 100 miles

Gilgamesh

whattodo wrote:

No no see we seen her in the pub and he pointed her out and said "Thats N, were really good friends, dont worry we only ever kissed"

Then 6 months later i was talking to his friend and he said something about her and my boyfriend in the old days never leaving bed as a joke and i didnt understand him so i asked him to explain and he said "Oh did ya not know they were wit each other" Then i asked my boyfriend had he slept with her and he said "yeh loads but it was ages ago"

so...... he was honest to a certain extent about the situation, was the friend there when he wold you they slept together?
if so, then it could have just been bragging in front of mates, but could be different.

at that stage I wouldn't have thought too much into the situation tbh.
I have a very good friend, who happens to be a girl, and have had some problems with girlfriends about the way we are together, what could lead to wrong assumptions, but hey, I think the partner will have to accept it, to a certain extent,

do you have fixed proof that they are having an affair? I bet not, so for the time there shouldn't really be a fuss.
writing things to close friends like 'love ya' and things on that basis don't mean that they are IN love with each other.
maybeb try and get to know her a bit more, might help figure things out for you, have a girls night out or something

whattodo

She runs a mile anytime she's seen me this has always been the way.. Like she was in the que for the toilet once and when i joined the que she ran out. If she's at the bar and go i up she'll move..

Gilgamesh

maybe you made her feel unconfortable in your presense?
did you pick a fight with her at some stage?
try calling her and ask her to meet up, if you don't have her number, then you seem to have access to your boyfriend's phone.
Be calm and ask her out for a nice chat because you want to get your head straigth about everything,

whattodo

I've never done anything to make her feel uncomfortable, never picked a fight ever, only ever talked to her a few times because i've only ever seen her a few times and thats sayin hello nothing more. She always runs away.

Gilgamesh

get your boyfriend to arrange a meeting then if you can't, if there isnt' anythign going on between them and he has nothign to hide, there would be no reason to 'protect' her from you, if he doesn't, break up, harsh.....harsh but fair

*Page*

he his doing it too much he lied from the start! how do you forget sleeping with an x partner that lives near by!!!

you need to sit down with her! talk to her girl to girl tell her your worries see how she reacts then go to your bf and tell him that you spoke to her!

he'll either get really mad and angry(this means he's stuck in a hard place cant find a way out through his lying) or he'll fess up!

finish it with him you'll be so much better off with out him in your life!

ravenhead

whattodo wrote:

I've never done anything to make her feel uncomfortable, never picked a fight ever, only ever talked to her a few times because i've only ever seen her a few times and thats sayin hello nothing more. She always runs away.

This sounds like one of two things 1) she's got something to hide - 2) she still fancies your b/f & you intimidate her - she prefers to have him to herself. I have ex's that are friends no of them behave like that around my b/f.

MojoMaker

whattodo wrote:

I'm naturally a jealous and suspicious person.

No such thing. There are emotionally insecure people though, lots of them. The good news is you can grow out of this, if you want.

whattodo

I asked him about arranging a meeting with her and he said for what and i said i want to talk to her and he laughed. I said that i didnt find it funny and then his tune totally changed and he said he wanted to talk to all of my friends aswel then.

Gilgamesh

whattodo wrote:

he said he wanted to talk to all of my friends aswel then.

and? where's the problem?
do you have somethign to hide?

let him, if it get's you peace of mind

whattodo

sorry should have made it clearer. I have nothing to hide but i dont talk to any of my ex because to me and ex is and ex nothing more, but he wants to talk to all of my ex's. I don't even keep their numbers. I havent spoken to them since we broke up but he wants me to track them down so he can talk to them

Gilgamesh

okay, final result, then....... DUMP THE LITTLE SH!T!!!!!!
if he can't be grown up about this, then you're better off without him.
how old are you guys anyway?

whattodo

I'm 21 he's 24

Gilgamesh

okay then, same as before, finish it, as soon as possible, will probably hurt, but in the long run you will be MUCH better off.

Ruhan

Don't forget, you're also breaking his trust by reading his sent messages and phone bill...

Be prepared for that to come back to you.

dudara

Now it seems like he's being a prat.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and unfortunately, I have to say that if you have suspicions, then they're probably correct. There's no smoke without fire, unless you're one of these utterly paranoid people.

best of lucjk

Stench Blossoms

Ruhan wrote:

Don't forget, you're also breaking his trust by reading his sent messages and phone bill...

Be prepared for that to come back to you.

But she actually found something (well like seen that he was tryin to hide the fact that he was tlkin 2 her)

If he had nothing to hide he shouldnt have lied....

*Page*

personaly i don't mind my partner reading my txts seeing who i was calling ect! i even on times ask him to take my calls or messages and visa versa! its a trust element!

the the OP you need to get out of this game! he doesnt seem to take your worries on board and he also doesnt seem to care..
why would you want to be with someone who negelted your feelings and insecurities!!

Jim10000

I think he's being a total dick, but so is the ex.
Leaving the toilet queue and the bar when you come along is a bitchy way of letting you know what she thinks of you and freaking you out - and it's working for the stupid cow.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that his inconsistancy and general dopiness mean they're together, i think some people (men) would rather tell a white lie to some people (their girlfriends) rather then face a possible akward conversation.

I think you need to be strong, don't let their childishness undermine your relationship, tell him his ex is a twat and you dont want her touching your make-up again, he needs to cop on, tell her to pissoff and your relationship might just be saved.

whattodo

We've broke up. He says he needs to have a life without me constanly knowing what he's doin. Or should i say who he's doin. He refused to give me back any of my stuff. He has my dad's camera thats worth about €400. He's being a ****in ass

Beruthiel

24 going on 12 by the sound of it
go and collect your camera, or would he prefer you send your dad down?
you're well shot of him

scojones

You need to be calm and collective. Don't go roaring down the phone at him. Be totally cool and explain that you will need your father's camera back. If he blatantly says no then just say it to your father, nothing like an ex's father to scare the **** out of ye!

whattodo

He lives 100miles away i have no way of getting down

whattodo

my dad will kick up murder if he finds out.

Gilgamesh

where does he live, might knwo some people who would help with getting your stuff back /me rubs hands and get's sledgehammer out of wardrobe.

was better for you though, also he has no right to keep your stuff, get your Dad to talk to him or ask the local Gardai to go by with you to pick it up, they can be helpful in this stuff.


Wish you all the best for the future and enjoy being single again Woohooo!!!!!

Beruthiel

bus?

whattodo

Gilgamesh wrote:

where does he live, might knwo some people who would help with getting your stuff back /me rubs hands and get's sledgehammer out of wardrobe.

was better for you though, also he has no right to keep your stuff, get your Dad to talk to him or ask the local Gardai to go by with you to pick it up, they can be helpful in this stuff.


Wish you all the best for the future and enjoy being single again Woohooo!!!!!

seriously will the guards help me with that? He lives in wexford but in the middle of no where. A bus would leave me a 20min drive from his house so i'd still need a lift

c - 13

whattodo wrote:

We've broke up. He says he needs to have a life without me constanly knowing what he's doin. Or should i say who he's doin. He refused to give me back any of my stuff. He has my dad's camera thats worth about €400. He's being a ****in ass

Now thats what I call being a complete d*ck. I would have to agree with Sjones and Beruthiel on this one about calling to get it - Would you and your dad consider making the trip - it is 400 quids worth after all, and you said he has the more of your stuff too. He might feel more inclined to hand them back without an arguement if your dad is there too.

Gilgamesh

I had an issue where an ex flatmate 'moved out' with some of my hifi equipment, I talked to him personally first and he refused, and thought before I would break his legs, I would stay calm and go to the Gards, they offered to go over with me and confront him about the matter, worked a dream.

do you know anybody in wexford who could pick it up for you?

whattodo

I know one person but they don't want to get involved.

Gilgamesh

understand, one of those friends who are torn between the two of you, who to support.
What about hiriing a car?

whattodo

I cant drive, I Know a few people that do but like they wont drive to wexford

WhiteWashMan

put up a thread on AH asking for someone to give you a lift.
seriously.

im sure there would be no end of people who would be willing to help.
pretty nice bunch mostly.

Gilgamesh

agree with WWM.

where do you live?
not the exact address of course, but, Dublin?

whattodo

Yeh i live in Dublin. I dont no if i'd like to get in a car with a stranger tho