Violence from your partner

LegacyUser

Have you ever been in a relationship that survived after being grabbed by the throat and nailed to the ground for example?
I'm female, small, his strength is twice that of mine. Lovely guy that I've been with for 4 years. First 2/3 times were around the same time period, around this time last year when we were going through a very difficult patch.
First time after that tonight. I had to call the guards, cos I had no one else to ring. He's staying somewhere else for the night.
This r'ship is a long story, impossible to even touch upon our time together in one post..
Strongly thinking of moving out at end of this month.

Beruthiel

dazed-confused wrote:

Lovely guy that I've been with for 4 years. First 2/3 times were around the same time period, around this time last year when we were going through a very difficult patch.

sorry
but that is no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour and you should stop right now thinking that it is.
There are many other ways to deal with a 'very difficult patch' violence is not one of them!

First time after that tonight

do you understand that it will not be the last time? stats show that people who behave like this will not stop but will just continue and usually each episode is worse than the last one.

Strongly thinking of moving out at end of this month.

I VERY strongly suggest that you move out right now and do not wait till the end of the month.
I'm very sorry that this has happened to you but you now have to think of yourself, do not wait around for this to happen again, get out as fast as you possible can. This man does not love you.
best of luck
a

if you need someone to talk to:

http://www.womensaid.ie/

ceedee5

I was in the exact same situation, my ex put his hands around my throat and wouldnt let go. it started with a shove etc, and thats what it progressed to. That happened on the friday, and I was back at home with all my stuff on the Sunday. If someone does it once and gets away with it, they will continue to do it. I have zero tolerance for anything like that. I loved this guy, theres no going back after that. To be honest get as far away from him as you can. He's viollent, you cant stay in that relationship, what will he do next ????

seamus

If this is what he's like now, imagine what he'd be like if you were married (i.e. psychologicall chained to him), and what he'd be like to your kids. As Ber says, statistics show that for the most part men either do or don't. That is, men who will physically attack/abuse their partners once, even in a blind rage, are likely to do it again, and again.

Kick him out and tell him to seek help.

koneko

dazed-confused wrote:

Lovely guy that I've been with for 4 years.

You know that's complete bull. He's abusive. You need to get out of this situation, and get out of it now. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

There is no future here. Imagine if you have kids. How will you ever feel safe? How will you ever feel that they are safe? Get out now.

Souperfreak

If you don't leave you are giving him the impression that what happened was ok and he can continue doing it. I know you can sit him down and talk to him about it but bottom line is staying with him regardless of any discussions had about the incident will mean to him that you will take the 'abuse'. Further more that you will CONTINUE to take it because you don't want to break up at any cost.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE HE CAN GIVE THAT MAKES WHAT HE DID ACCEPTABLE!

Your instincts are right move out. Why wait til the end of April? GO NOW! If you don't he will have a month to think about and try to convince you that it was an accident. Until the next time, then you are in the relationship even deeper. Move out. Stay with friends if you have to.

If it is your place or you started renting it together. Stay home from work one day. Get the locks changed and get rid of his stuff. Have a friend stay with you for a couple days after he leaves just to ease your mind.

sal*

I agree with the above posters, My own personal view is zero tolerance. My mother was physically abused, my parents split up years ago but she is still with abusive boyfriends. I would never let that happen to myself. Just get out and fast, it will happen over and over again, no matter how apologetic he is now.

Beruthiel

the saddest thing I find is that so many women do not get up and leave men like this, but stay around cos he said that he will never do it again.

Ireland - The Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline supports approximately 9000 women annually

Ireland - 9,000 women used the services provided by Women's Aid in 1999 and The National Network of Refuges and Support Services received over 11,000 calls


Ireland -In Making the Links (1995), the first ever national research into the prevalence of domestic violence in Ireland, 18% of Irish Women reported they had been abused in relationships with male partners.

Ireland- Since the beginning of 1996, 81 women have been murdered in Ireland. Of those 53 were killed in their own homes. All the murders which have been resolved, have been perpetrated by a man. Of the 44 cases which have been resolved, all have been perpetrated by a man and in 19 cases (almost 50%), the murder was committed by a partner or ex-partner. In all cases awaiting trial, it is a man who has been charged.

Ireland- There were 10,877 Garda call outs to domestic violence incidents in 2000 (Garda Siochana 2000)

Ireland- In 1999, the number of domestic violence incidents recorded by An Garda Siochana (Irish police), increased by a massive 20% over 1998's figures(Garda Siochana 1999)

Ireland- 2142 barring orders were granted and 4586 applied for in 2000 (The Courts Service Annual Report, 2000)

Ireland - 8150 calls were made to the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre in 2000 (Rape Crisis Centre Statistics and Financial Summary, 2000)

Ireland- 4 out of 10 women who had been involved in a sexual relationship with a man experienced violence (Reported frequency of domestic violence; cross sectional survey of women attending general practice, February 2002)

Ireland - Safety and Sanctions, research conducted by Women's Aid into domestic violence and the enforcement of law in Ireland in 1999, showed that children were present in the house or witnessed the violence in a significant amount of cases.

Ireland - A study conducted by the Rotunda Maternity Hospital found that in a sample of 400 pregnant women, 12.5% had experienced abuse while they were pregnant.

USA - Battering is the single biggest cause of injury to women. 4,000 women are beaten to death by their partner every year. (Koop US Surgeon General, 1989).

USA - Battering is the single biggest cause of injury to women. 4,000 women are beaten to death by their partner every year. (Koop US Surgeon General, 1989).

Sweden - One woman is battered to death by her partner every 10 days. There are 115 refuges in Sweden and they are constantly full. (Rooks, 1990).

Britain - 25% of women have experienced physical abuse by their husband/partners (Dobash & Dobash, 1979)

Canada - 39% of women reported having been sexually assaulted at some time (Canadian National Survey, 1993)

http://www.womensaid.ie/

The Corinthian

dazed-confused wrote:

Have you ever been in a relationship that survived after being grabbed by the throat and nailed to the ground for example?

Out of curiosity, did you initiate the violence in any way, such as throwing something at him, slapping, hitting, shoving or kicking him? Or did you simply have a row where you made no physical contact until he attacked you?

WhiteWashMan

The Corinthian wrote:

Out of curiosity, did you initiate the violence in any way, such as throwing something at him, slapping, hitting, shoving or kicking him? Or did you simply have a row where you made no physical contact until he attacked you?

i know where you are going with that TC but i think there is a big difference in being restrained, and being pinned by the throat.
that is a violent action of power, not of restraint.

while i am not one of the 'you should never hit a woman' brigade, simply because you never know what situation you may be in, i also dont believe that acts like this occur in loving and trusting relationship.

i would also bet that there would be other 'smaller' incidents that would indicate abusive behaviour in the relationship.

edit, it would appear your name is now banned from boards

The Corinthian

WhiteWashMan wrote:

i know where you are going with that TC but i think there is a big difference in being restrained, and being pinned by the throat.
that is a violent action of power, not of restraint.

Look, I’m only playing Devil’s Advocate. He could have pinned her down in a completely (physically) unprovoked fashion or she could have initiated the violence and he was attempting to restrain her - and when you’re forced to restrain someone you rarely worry too much about the social niceties of how you do it.

Of course I don’t know what exactly happened and am unlikely to get an unbiased opinion as we only have one side of the story. But I do know that if a guy were to complain how a bouncer had done the same to him, people would not be as quick to jump to conclusions or feel sympathy simply because the bouncer has twice his strength.

ether

If you're not comfortable in the relationship anymore, don't stay in it. You obviously have a lot of history together so take time out to think things through.

Kell

First thought is that he has no respect for you whatsoever to do something like that, and as others have said, is likely to do it again. Time for out methinks.

I would however consider TC's point as well. If the orginal poster did indeed initiate the violence then it implies a lack of respect towards her partner too.

K-

b3t4

dazed-confused,

I will concur with everyone elses advise here. The best option for both you and your partner is that ye seperate. If you are currently still with him because you love him use that love to walk away. He needs help and he will not get that help until you make him see that his behaviour is unacceptable. The only way you can make him see this is by leaving him for his actions.

Some steps might be....
1. Leave today
2. Go to your local GP.
3. Ask your GP for the number of a local counsellor.
4. Make an appointment with the counsellor.
5. Rally friends around.

Posting here means that you know what you need to do. The scary part is getting the ball rolling towards that direction. The first step is the hardest, all the rest falls into place. Your life is not going to get any better with your current partner, more than likely it will get worse.

A.

The Sweeper

dazed-confused wrote:

Have you ever been in a relationship that survived after being grabbed by the throat and nailed to the ground for example?

I have been in a relationship where precisely this kind of physical encounter happened, and no the relationship didn't survive. In my experience, this kind of physical action is a means of control. Your partner is angry and frustrated. Perhaps he feels you're not listening to him, or not seeing his point. He feels generally disrespected and overwhelmed with anger, so he's going to make you listen to him. The restraining action of grabbing you by the throat and holding you down may not be accompanied by a punch or slap, it may be accompanied by a lot of aggressive pointing into your face. The following day, he can reassure himself that he didn't actually hit you.

dazed-confused wrote:

I'm female, small, his strength is twice that of mine. Lovely guy that I've been with for 4 years.

There are a couple of things you need to know. First, this man is not a catch. He may be physically good looking, or have moments of consideration, but he isn't a good person. Plenty of men fight with their partners and lose their temper. Most of them won't lay a finger on her. It is not "normal" to fight like this with your partner, and his behaviour is violent, even if he hasn't actually punched, slapped or kicked you[/i]. If his behaviour is enough to frighten and intimidate you, and he restrains you like this, you are being abused.

dazed-confused wrote:

First 2/3 times were around the same time period, around this time last year when we were going through a very difficult patch.

Now you know this isn't a one-off. Perhaps you spent the last year convincing yourself that his behaviour was a result of a 'bad patch', and if you just tried harder to be the person he wants you to be he wouldn't react like that again. Fact is, he will react like that again, and there's nothing you can do to change it.

The problem isn't you. It's him.

dazed-confused wrote:

First time after that tonight. I had to call the guards, cos I had no one else to ring. He's staying somewhere else for the night.

This is the most important part of your post. To call the guards, you must really, really have been terrified. You must have been afraid for yourself, perhaps even your life. You just wanted him to leave you alone, and you don't feel like you could contact anyone else, so you phoned the police. Don't ever forget that feeling - even if this man turns into the nicest person alive again tomorrow, he has scared you so badly that you phoned the police to get him to leave you alone. This is not a good relationship for you to be in.

dazed-confused wrote:

This r'ship is a long story, impossible to even touch upon our time together in one post..
Strongly thinking of moving out at end of this month.

Stop thinking, and do it. Move out. Leave this man. And be aware - when you suggest leaving him, he may very well be hurt and surprised and promise he'll never do it again. Additionally, if you tell him you're leaving now, and don't move until the end of the month, he has weeks and weeks to be nice to you and wear you down so you stay with him.

Plan your exit now, organise your finances privately, and when you go, make damned sure you pack and leave in a couple of hours while he's out - and do not tell him where you're going.

LegacyUser

If your instincts are telling you to leave him then that is what you should do. If you feel unsafe, then you have to get out. At the end of the day which is more important, this relationship or your life?

However, and I feel unsure about how to put this without you interpreting as someone telling you to stay, if you decide to stay with him then you need to think a lot about everything objectively.

1. I've been in an abusive relationship, in these relationships the guy doesn't attack you out of nowhere. It isn't a case of a great relationship until the day he starts to hit you. They normally begin with mental abuse. He undermines your confidence bit by bit. He isolates you from your family and friends. Any arguments you have are manipulative and often carefully engineered to make you lose. Eventually he hits you, by this point a part of you believes you deserve it. (I'm not sure if he is consciously aware of the pattern). It's why women stay, long before the physical abuse begins their confidence has been shattered.

Does any of this sound like your boyfriend? If it does stay the hell away, move now. Go to your parents or a close friend and tell them what has happened, make them be strong for you if you can't. if he comes near you tell him go, or get someone else to tell him. Get a barring order if he persists.

2. If you think he isn't like that, if he is honestly normally a good person and these are random, out of character acts. If you think he has a drink/drug problem, suffers from deppresion or possibly he is an abuse victim who is taking repressed feeling out on you. Then it is possible you will decide to take him back. Only you can know if any of this relates, if you think this is the case you everything I said about leaving him still applies.

But if you don't leave, if you decide to stay, you need to make it clear things must change. Not just by you telling him and him agreeing, but by clear actions. Make his return conditional on him seeking help for his problem, on you both having couples counselling and on him doing an anger management course. Even then make it clear that you are not making any promises, that you may still not choose to be with him.

The reason why I'm offering this advice is that these latter type relationships can workout. I've worked with people who've been in this situation and have found that with a lot of hard work it can get better. Only you can decide what is best for you, and only you can make it happen. Whatever happens don't just sweep it under the carpet and go back to how things are.

I was in the first kind of relationship, and it nearly destroyed me, it took me 5 years to get over, to get back who I was, and sometimes even now (9 years on) I can feel from it very intensely. If he is destroying who you are you must leave, don't fool yourself into thinking he is wonderful if he isn't.

I don't really know what else to say, I don't know if I've said this right. But it is never as simple as just packing up and leaving, it's so easy for others to say that I think it can make it harder to actually do it.

Zombrex

The Corinthian wrote:

Look, I’m only playing Devil’s Advocate. He could have pinned her down in a completely (physically) unprovoked fashion or she could have initiated the violence and he was attempting to restrain her

I doubt she would have had to call the guards to make him stop if all he was doing was "restraining" her.

I would be careful that the OP doesn't start thinking "umm, I obviously provoked this, I deserved to be hit, cause he loves me and would only hit me if I did something wrong"

To the OP, only you and him know what really happened. Even if you went to hit him and he hit you back, or he hit you first, it doesn't really matter, it is not a relationship you want to be in.

Leave, simple as that. Why would you stay with someone who hits you?

The Corinthian

Wicknight wrote:

I doubt she would have had to call the guards to make him stop if all he was doing was "restraining" her.

According to the OP she only called the Gardai because she had no one else to ring. Beyond that you are speculating.

I would be careful that the OP doesn't start thinking "umm, I obviously provoked this, I deserved to be hit, cause he loves me and would only hit me if I did something wrong"

I would be careful that people do not sanctimoniously jump to any conclusions based upon a single, incomplete account of what occurred either.

Uthur

Seriously, this is unacceptable behaviour. You don't want someone in your
life who is willing to do something like this to you.

LegacyUser

Am speaking as the child of a mother who was extremely physically abusive: to the OP - please get out of this relationship immediatly, do not make excuses for him, it is him not you. I have often wished that my dad would have left my mum due to the abuse that was placed on me - I ended up being a painfully shy kid and the abuse only resolved itself when I went to a councellor in college and realised that it was not my fault. I am fine now but I still get nightmares about the abuse. You deserve better than this.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If he grabbed you by the throat it would only take a little bit more anger to take over him and he could have cut off your air supply - which would have caused you brain damage\death.

Everything else has been said.

Red Alert

Violence against a partner is just unacceptable, no two ways about it. As far as I can see, he hasn't any respect for you. It's not ok to hit you even when it's a bad patch. Everyone gets angry, and we all need an outlet for it - some people go for a long walk, some go and get drunk, some go and bang doors - but there's a line that shouldn't be crossed, and he has crossed it. It's not ok to come back and say that he's not going to do it again.

Please just get out of there. He could do more harm next time, and it just isn't worth the risk. Women's Aid (Beruthiel posted the link i think) should be able to help you in any way you need, try and rally your mates around and move out (or if the place is yours then get him out). Best of luck.

Red Alert.

tinkerbell

Everything that all the above have said. Do not tolerate domestic violence of ANY sort (be it big or small). You're putting yourself at huge risk of being injured seriously (or fatally) by staying in an abusive relationship.

Get out now, while you still can.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
I didn't go into much detail with "the story".
But just to clarify, I didn't provoke this attack. We'd had a disagreement on Sunday morning when I raised my voice about something that I'd mentioned to him, calmly, several times before, which he didn't seem to have taken on board at all. His response to my angriness was to just leave the house for the day, while I was left at home on my own not knowing what was going on, to "stew". (I just raised voice and was sounding off a bit about the "issue", no name-calling/going off on a tangent/no violence.)

Very busy at work these days, got home very late on Monday night. Meanwhile during the day, he had been doing
stuff to resolve the "Sunday issue". But when I came in, I was oblivious to this and was quite stressed out after a very long day. Minutes after I came in, not even having taken my jacket off, I started doing something to do with the house which resulted in a brief quarrel.
Nothing serious. In the end I just went something like "OK, Fine!" and threw the (small) object in my hand on the ground and walked away.
It was then that he "roared" like an animal and came after me, grabbed me from the back by the collar of my jacket, dragged me to the sitting room and pinned me down and started shouting into my face - stuff which was obviously pent-up cos it hadn't been aired to me before. I didn't make eye contact at all cos I was frightened. But when he released me a few minutes later, and he was still giving out to me, I (stupidly?) talked back to him. He was blocking me from leaving the room, even though I was saying Look, I just got in from work, I'm tired, I'll stay upstairs if you don't want me around.

After that, I was into the kitchen - at this point the memory is a bit blurry - I hadn't had a drink or anything, I was just exhausted/in shock. He had had one can of beer,( but that's nothing to him! ) But next thing is, he has me up against the worktop in the kitchen, things start falling over, with his big hand around my throat, telling me that I'm going to leave the house now and saying that everything was fine on Sunday morning till I suddenly let rip. Then he dragged me to front door, said there's your key, and literally threw me out, and threw my bag after me. I fell on my face(luckily have just a scratch on my chin), and my chest landed on the edge of the step, and it hurt. I'm realising that I'm very lucky that I didn't break any bones(today, my body feels bruised). It was at that point that I rang 999, (despite the fact that his voice when he opened the door again contained remorse). But difficult as it was, I took the phone out of my bag and went through with it, my voice and my concsience was shaking but I had to do it. I knew that it'd be just a couple of people younger than myself that would arrive late and say "there's nothing that we can really do". But at least they convinced him to stay the night elsewhere(I don't have that option, or I would've taken it). And it was necessary to give him the message that bullying is wrong.

[ To the person who posted recently as guest, thanks. I'm the eldest in family, and it took for me to point it out to my mother that being violent with your children is just plain wrong. Unfortunately for me, it was too late - I was the guinea pig child and bore the brunt of my mothers wooden-spoonings etc.(In my teens, I hated her for years)]

But I must add that I'm no angel. In the past I've occasionally been so frustrated that I've roared at him, in tears about stuff, which resulted in some violence on my part in the form of pushing him(his large frame). But has only been as a last resort.

I love this man very much - please no "smart" comments. But now, am very confused.
.
As to whether same is likely to happen again anytime soon, I don't think so. I'd say he feels like **** as a result of treating "the woman that he loves" like that. Also the fact that the neighbours would've heard me screaming and that the guards were there.

Although I do care deeply about him, I no longer want to care, if that makes any sense.

LegacyUser

To the OP - best wishes - I know how hard it is to leave someone you care about, I also know the feelings of blaming yourself for the abuse. Please leave this person - you deserve so much better. Having read the OPs last post it has just made me realise the extent of the abusive relationship that I am in - I do not want to go into details but I have experienced worse at the hands of my partner, I have blamed myself in the past as I can be moody myself but I need to take my own advise. While in my case the abuse is not often there has always been something stopping me marrying this person, only a few of my friends know about it and they have always advised me to leave. Sorry, back to the OP - please leave this person, life is too short to waste your time on someone like this.

Beruthiel

dazed-confused wrote:

.
As to whether same is likely to happen again anytime soon, I don't think so.

I'm sorry
but from what you have said above, I have to point out the obvious here, you are fooling yourself if you think this won't happen again.
yes, you may love him, but it is not the right kind of love, you must see that?

Evil Phil

How come you have no-one else to call? Surely you have family and friends. You may feel like they won't help you but only because he wants you to feel that way. They will, phone them.

WhiteWashMan

dazed-confused wrote:

.
As to whether same is likely to happen again anytime soon, I don't think so.

i bet you didnt expect to be thrown to the ground, held by the throat, or towed backwards by the collar either. but it happened.
what makes you so sure that it wont happen again?

dazed-confused wrote:

I'd say he feels like **** as a result of treating "the woman that he loves" like that.

oh im quite sure he does. at the same time, he may just think its your fault for making him do that, and may take no responsibilty for it...

dazed-confused wrote:

Also the fact that the neighbours would've heard me screaming and that the guards were there.

...does not indicate that he has done anything wrong. unless they know exactly what happen, you have no idea what they are talking about. after all, they could be gossiping to themselves and saying, 'god, that slapper finally pushed that nice young man over the edge'.
no offence meant.

dazed-confused wrote:

Although I do care deeply about him, I no longer want to care, if that makes any sense.

sure it does. you also say you love him.

WHY?

i mean, live in the here and now, and not in the past, why do you love him now?
do you think you can t live without him or something? what is it thats so hard to let go?
or do you have to wait to actually be hit before you really believe?

Zombrex

dazed-confused wrote:

I love this man very much

Do you love the part where he grabbed you by the throat or the part where he pushed you out of the door onto the ground.

You can love him all you like, but if he is going to do this to you you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Or within 100 meters of him.

dazed-confused wrote:

As to whether same is likely to happen again anytime soon, I don't think so. I'd say he feels like **** as a result of treating "the woman that he loves" like that.

From someone whos mother ran a womens refugee for 10 years I can tell you it always happens again, and it always gets worse.

You are probably saying now "oh no, it isn't like that, he is really very sweet, it was just this one time he was very stressed". Again, that is how it always starts. Being violent to your partner is a line that should not be crossed. To the vast majority of men and women in Ireland, volience towards their partners is not an option. You have just found out that it is an option for your partner. So why do you think he won't use it again?

If he had stolen money from you, thrown out all your stuff or slept with your sister, you would be thinking "what an assh*le" and probably left. But for some reason violence towards us is so shocking we find it almost impossible to process it and then attempt to discard it as not actually being that serious, heat of the moment stuff, or even a sign that he really cares about me.

dazed-confused wrote:

Although I do care deeply about him, I no longer want to care, if that makes any sense.

Leave him. You don't have any kids together or anything. Leave him

tinkerbell

You're being a bigger fool than him if you stay with him.

I just can't understand WHY people stay with an abusive partner. That's what he is - violent abusing scum of the universe. Like WWM said - don't live in the past, why do you love him NOW? As someone else asked, which part do you love - the bit where he grabbed you by the throat or kicked you out onto the street so you hurt yourself?

You need to get your act together and stop looking at him through rose-tinted goggles. He's violent with you, you should leave him. It's plain and simple. Who cares if you love him, that doesn't come into the equation. He doesn't give a crap about you if he's being violent with you. You need to get that into your head, and the sooner you do it, the better.

At the end of the day, if you want to stay with a guy who will beat you (and it could possibly get worse), well that's your big problem. But when you end up in hospital or even worse, you'll feel very sorry that you didn't listen to people's advice.

Dinxminx

Get out of there. Just get out of there. I had a boyfriend who elbowed me in the face and slammed my head into a doorframe and that lasted three weeks and after that I got out of there and never saw him again and you have no idea how glad I am. After a while you'll realise you spent those four years with a bender who doesn't deserve air to breathe.

Just get out of there.

4Xcut

There is no excuse ever for a man hitting a woman. If you don't want to involve the authorities(which you should) then at least leave. He did it once he'll do it again. Someone who loves you wouldn't hit you.

Lockin' up for life isn't punishment enough.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the really sound advice that you guys have posted.

My second looong post was basically just an attempt to clarify that I had not provoked the attack, and I just kept on writing..Sorry!
And the last thing that I meant to imply by that post was that I was somehow ignoring all the good advice that went before.

Sometimes when there's a crisis/confusion/shock, a person(well, me) needs to be just told the obvious - the fact that we have to split up.
To the people who said "Leave now", well I can't cos I have to wait to be paid at the end of the month. I could borrow from family I suppose, but don't want to get them involved. I haven't breathed a word of this to anyone, apart from this thread. And will not.
I've been thinking. And I think that he also wants it to end(maybe what happened was his way of subconsciously dumping me) and is going through a similar degree of hellishness that I've been in since that night.
He's been staying elsewhere since, pretty much, and will be away tonight as well.
As I said before, we were very close and we were both supposedly in this relationship for the long-term future. That is why it's so difficult to come to terms with.
But I know that it's over(that Morrissey track springs to mind..)

LegacyUser

..... wrote:

They normally begin with mental abuse. He undermines your confidence bit by bit. He isolates you from your family and friends. Any arguments you have are manipulative and often carefully engineered to make you lose. Eventually he hits you, by this point a part of you believes you deserve it. (I'm not sure if he is consciously aware of the pattern). It's why women stay, long before the physical abuse begins their confidence has been shattered.

2. If you think he isn't like that, if he is honestly normally a good person and these are random, out of character acts. If you think he has a drink/drug problem, suffers from deppresion or possibly he is an abuse victim who is taking repressed feeling out on you. Then it is possible you will decide to take him back. Only you can know if any of this relates, if you think this is the case you everything I said about leaving him still applies.

But if you don't leave, if you decide to stay, you need to make it clear things must change.

I must agree wholeheartedly with the first comment here. It is uncannily accurate to things I have experienced and seen.

However point No.2 is a bit more tricky. If the guy in question has major problems with substance abuse or some form of depression or mental problems... I would still recommend the girl get out of the relationship.
A guy like this needs professional help and staying in the relationship will more than likely end up sucking the life out of the girl.
The average person wouldn't know where to start in helping such a person and what I've seen happen, usually ends up with the guys problems becomming the girls problems and then you need to have both people counselled.
Where there is an emotional attachment, it is more difficult to remain detatched and give support. It's too easy to take on the problems yourself and try to sort them out.

Get out of this situation altogether. It's totally self destructive.
Self-preservation is the final word imho.

BobTheBeat

It would be a terrible move on your part to take him back and forgive him his sins. Its almost like condoning his behaviour.Believe me,it wont be as easy to have similar thoughts when your nursing a black eye or something.
A similar frightening situation happened to somebody I know. It started off somewhat the same as yourself, he pushed her a few times,she knew well how to push back. First it was a slap across the face,and six months later he slapped her face off a wall outside her house. Imagine trying to explain to your child that it was an accident that daddy grabbed you by the back of the head and slammed you face first into the concrete?
Im sorry,I dont mean to be overly descriptive,but she had an attitude the same as yourself.It was, "he didnt mean it ,he was drunk and I was the one who started it" and a bit of "he said he's sorry,it wont happen again". Cut your losses now,borrow the money and just leave.The longer you stay,the more the pain of the event will dull and the acceptance of this major malfunction of his will prevail

The Sweeper

dazed wrote:

To the people who said "Leave now", well I can't cos I have to wait to be paid at the end of the month. I could borrow from family I suppose, but don't want to get them involved. I haven't breathed a word of this to anyone, apart from this thread. And will not.

It's natural to not want to involve your family. Telling them what's happening to you may seem to you like an admission of the fact that you've made a mistake. You've made a really, really poor choice, and you don't necessarily want to share it with your family, because you're afraid of admitting to them that you've really cocked up this time.

Your family are, in fact, the last people who'll criticise your choice of partner. Your friends are far more likely, behind your back, to say "God what a horrible person he is, is she thick or what to stay with him, I've no idea what she sees in him". Your family are more likely to close ranks around you completely, come totally to your defense and protect you from him.

You'd be amazed at how your family will take your side against this guy.

The biggest problem with that, is that if you tell them, there's no going back to him. They'll probably lend you the money to get away from him in a shot. They'll never understand if you take it and go back to him.

You need to realise that, even though you've made a poor choice, what's happened to you isn't something to be ashamed of. It's not your fault. You didn't "make it happen". If you were mugged by a random stranger in the street would you tell your family? Well that's not your fault if it happens, and neither is the abuse you're suffering now.

Tell your family. Borrow the money from them, and get out.

Or are you one of those people who'd rather drown than cry for help?

locombia

Hi. I was in the same postion as you are at the moment only a couple of months ago only it was worse. My boyfriend of two years has punched me, kicked me, slapped me, pulled me around by my hair, torn my clothes off me, thrown me out of the house in my pyjamas, thrown the contents of ashtrays in my face and I could go on. I am still with him. Shock!Horror! Yes I am still living with the man who has done all of these things to me and every day I ask myself why? All of these things happened in the space of two months and nothing has happened since then. But I live in wait or should I say I live my life constantly trying to avoid him going into a temper just in case..... I have gone to councillors and talked about it. No one in my family knows as they live in a different city. At this moment in time I am happy being with him just as long as he controls himself but their is that underlying feeling always of what the hell am I doing living with him!!!!!!! I know i have the option to leave but I havn't summoned up the courage at all to do so.
I don't know why I am writing this, I just saw ur message and immediatley it all just came flooding back. I don't feel I can give you concrete advice but I will say that if you have family that love you tell them now and if you have the courage, leave now before its too late. I didn't take that choice and now find myself "settled in" and have created such a strong tie with him that to break it would mean such a huge upheaval.
I know I am a coward and I don't know of the future. I guess I just am waiting for someone to come rescue me. Or do I want to be rescued. I don't know.

tinkerbell

Holy crap girl, I dunno why you are still with this guy after all that stuff he did to you. If any guy advocated any sort of violence towards me, I'd be out that door in a shot and I wouldn't look back. It's totally insane that you are staying with a violent partner.

Love doesn't come into the equation if you're getting beat up. The other person obviously doesn't give a crap about you if he's willing to treat you like dirt and beating you up.

My god, it's one of life's mysteries why women and men stay in an abusive relationship. I know I'd be out that door or else I'd be changing the locks.

bean

Beruthiel wrote:

the saddest thing I find is that so many women do not get up and leave men like this, but stay around cos he said that he will never do it again.

Ireland - The Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline supports approximately 9000 women annually

Ireland - 9,000 women used the services provided by Women's Aid in 1999 and The National Network of Refuges and Support Services received over 11,000 calls


Ireland -In Making the Links (1995), the first ever national research into the prevalence of domestic violence in Ireland, 18% of Irish Women reported they had been abused in relationships with male partners.

Ireland- Since the beginning of 1996, 81 women have been murdered in Ireland. Of those 53 were killed in their own homes. All the murders which have been resolved, have been perpetrated by a man. Of the 44 cases which have been resolved, all have been perpetrated by a man and in 19 cases (almost 50%), the murder was committed by a partner or ex-partner. In all cases awaiting trial, it is a man who has been charged.

Ireland- There were 10,877 Garda call outs to domestic violence incidents in 2000 (Garda Siochana 2000)

Ireland- In 1999, the number of domestic violence incidents recorded by An Garda Siochana (Irish police), increased by a massive 20% over 1998's figures(Garda Siochana 1999)

Ireland- 2142 barring orders were granted and 4586 applied for in 2000 (The Courts Service Annual Report, 2000)

Ireland - 8150 calls were made to the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre in 2000 (Rape Crisis Centre Statistics and Financial Summary, 2000)

Ireland- 4 out of 10 women who had been involved in a sexual relationship with a man experienced violence (Reported frequency of domestic violence; cross sectional survey of women attending general practice, February 2002)

Ireland - Safety and Sanctions, research conducted by Women's Aid into domestic violence and the enforcement of law in Ireland in 1999, showed that children were present in the house or witnessed the violence in a significant amount of cases.

Ireland - A study conducted by the Rotunda Maternity Hospital found that in a sample of 400 pregnant women, 12.5% had experienced abuse while they were pregnant.

USA - Battering is the single biggest cause of injury to women. 4,000 women are beaten to death by their partner every year. (Koop US Surgeon General, 1989).

USA - Battering is the single biggest cause of injury to women. 4,000 women are beaten to death by their partner every year. (Koop US Surgeon General, 1989).

Sweden - One woman is battered to death by her partner every 10 days. There are 115 refuges in Sweden and they are constantly full. (Rooks, 1990).

Britain - 25% of women have experienced physical abuse by their husband/partners (Dobash & Dobash, 1979)

Canada - 39% of women reported having been sexually assaulted at some time (Canadian National Survey, 1993)

http://www.womensaid.ie/

Please remeber
A MORI Poll published in 1997 found that 18% of men were abused by their female partners as against 11% of women abused by their male partners.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT A GENDER ISSUE - IT IS A SOCIAL ISSUE AFFECTING MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

Red Alert

To the previous poster that's quite an interesting statement which I'd say has some truth in it, but back to the main topic:

To the thread starter and locombia - i know i'm starting to sound like a stuck record, but please do anything to get out of there. It's not ok to hit or be hit by your partner. A relationship has to have love and respect - and you don't hit somebody you love or respect. Violence is about power - he now feels that he has done this before, not only have you taken him back, you will probably allow your own decisions/behaviour to change because of the fear he might hit you again. He now has a huge amount of power over you. The thing is, if you don't deal with this now, you might not be able to in future.

Your family will be probably more of a help than you thought - but only you can make the decision to involve them. This can't go on, just end this 'relationship' - there are loads of other guys in Ireland who know how to treat their partners - why stay with one that doesn't seem to?

Good luck, i hope it works out for you
R>A>

LegacyUser

Well here i am again. I was fully intent on moving out, had booked the days off work, and then as a result of having to take several days off work after the abuse, having already taken a "genuine" sick day the previous week, I got fired from my job. So I am stuck with this person for a while longer. That's complication#1.

Complication#2: it turned out that he injured himself badly during the altercation that I posted about originally(I had told him to keep his distance from me, then we met up after 2 weeks). So when I learnt this, I felt that I'd no choice but to stay with him. He had stayed with his family for two weeks after that night and he told them that we'd had an argument and he was spending time apart - WITH HIS WRIST IN A CAST! And I just know that he didn't tell the truth - they are not stupid! - As I said to him, I imagine that they imagine that I've caused this injury that he 100% inflicted upon himself, but I just know that he's remained silent on the issue - the most important thing to him is that it doesn't get out that he has assaulted a female(somehow, assaulting a man is more acceptable to him - I've witnessed him punching his own brother in the face for basically nothing, and he's mentioned to me about punching other blokes - he seems to think that he lives in the world of "The Sopranos").

Anyway he has as the days have passed been taking me for granted like I'm his slave, and hasn't really changed fundamentally despite the seriousness of the injury that he's inflicted upon himself. I've been there for him. I've been making sure that he's comfortable when he's in pain. The other day he was screaming in pain and I brought him to A&E.
Yet he's never said sorry for what he did to me that night - that would mean a lot.
After the 2-week break, when we were discussing things, I was in tears, feeling the physical and mental pain that he was going through - he wasn't being manipulative about it, I just felt like **** thinking about it myself.

And last night we were both a bit drunk, had been getting drunk separately. I vented how pissed off I was with him for taking me for granted and having done what he did to me that night. I admit that I put my hand around his neck and said "now how does that feel?", but my little hand was nothing to his big neck, and before I knew it, he was lifting my whole body up with his left hand under my chin(his arm in a sling), and then I was flung on the ground and bumped my forehead off something. I was drunk, but I remember enough.
Today, I once again have bruises all over my body.

I rang womens aid this evening, but it wasn't very helpful, just someone saying "yes, yes" at the end of the line, "you're very brave to ring us", and more cliche's.

What am i going to do????

Mr.Nice Guy

OP wrote:

Well here i am again. I was fully intent on moving out, had booked the days off work, and then as a result of having to take several days off work after the abuse, having already taken a "genuine" sick day the previous week, I got fired from my job. So I am stuck with this person for a while longer. That's complication#1.

Complication#2: it turned out that he injured himself badly during the altercation that I posted about originally(I had told him to keep his distance from me, then we met up after 2 weeks). So when I learnt this, I felt that I'd no choice but to stay with him. He had stayed with his family for two weeks after that night and he told them that we'd had an argument and he was spending time apart - WITH HIS WRIST IN A CAST! And I just know that he didn't tell the truth - they are not stupid! - As I said to him, I imagine that they imagine that I've caused this injury that he 100% inflicted upon himself, but I just know that he's remained silent on the issue - the most important thing to him is that it doesn't get out that he has assaulted a female(somehow, assaulting a man is more acceptable to him - I've witnessed him punching his own brother in the face for basically nothing, and he's mentioned to me about punching other blokes - he seems to think that he lives in the world of "The Sopranos").

Anyway he has as the days have passed been taking me for granted like I'm his slave, and hasn't really changed fundamentally despite the seriousness of the injury that he's inflicted upon himself. I've been there for him. I've been making sure that he's comfortable when he's in pain. The other day he was screaming in pain and I brought him to A&E.
Yet he's never said sorry for what he did to me that night - that would mean a lot.
After the 2-week break, when we were discussing things, I was in tears, feeling the physical and mental pain that he was going through - he wasn't being manipulative about it, I just felt like **** thinking about it myself.

And last night we were both a bit drunk, had been getting drunk separately. I vented how pissed off I was with him for taking me for granted and having done what he did to me that night. I admit that I put my hand around his neck and said "now how does that feel?", but my little hand was nothing to his big neck, and before I knew it, he was lifting my whole body up with his left hand under my chin(his arm in a sling), and then I was flung on the ground and bumped my forehead off something. I was drunk, but I remember enough.
Today, I once again have bruises all over my body.

I rang womens aid this evening, but it wasn't very helpful, just someone saying "yes, yes" at the end of the line, "you're very brave to ring us", and more cliche's.

What am i going to do????

There is no excuse for putting your hands on a woman. It is the ultimate show of cowardice. You need to find people who you can trust and support and inform them of the situation and you need to leave this man (and I use the word 'man' grudgingly) immediately. This person will destroy you physically, mentally and emotionally unless you get out right now. Please do the sensible thing and don't let "complications" get in the way.

b3t4

For the love of all things sane, OP, go to your family/friends/anyone.

I do not want to hear anymore excuses. If I hear one more excuse similar to "It's not that easy" I think I'll probably scream. Of course it's not easy but how is it easier to stay with him?

Possesions can be replaced but your life cannot.

Leave and leave now.

A.

Beruthiel

b3t4 wrote:

For the love of all things sane, OP, go to your family/friends/anyone.

totally agree
doesn't matter what families are like, when one of us is in need it can be truly touching on how they can rally around and help when it's needed.
Give them the chance to help you, it's what they would want and would be very upset to know that for whatever reason you couldn't turn to them in your hour of need.
Do it today woman!

tinkerbell

Agreed with what b3t4 and MNG said.

Quit making excuses for him. He's a violent ass and IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! How many times does he have to beat you up before you will realise this? Or are you gonna wait until you're lying in intensive care as a result of his violence?

What's the story with your job - could you not talk to your boss, and explain the situation to them? I'm sure that they would have understood, if you had told them what you are going through. You should not feel ashamed, you are the victim in all this.

Move out - go live with your family, be it your parents, one of your siblings, an aunt or uncle, grandparents, a friend, a friend of your parents, ANYBODY! You have such a wide selection of who to go to. They are not gonna mind you staying with them until you sort yourself out.

It isn't easy, but at the end of the day - do you want to be beat up every now and again? Or do you want to live in a safe, loving and caring environment? Because at the moment you are clearly not.

Leave now, quit making excuses for him.

The Corinthian

OP wrote:

it turned out that he injured himself badly during the altercation that I posted about originally(I had told him to keep his distance from me, then we met up after 2 weeks). So when I learnt this, I felt that I'd no choice but to stay with him.

Are you saying that you injured him?

I've witnessed him punching his own brother in the face for basically nothing, and he's mentioned to me about punching other blokes - he seems to think that he lives in the world of "The Sopranos"

The boy has serious self-esteem and anger management issues.

And last night we were both a bit drunk, had been getting drunk separately. I vented how pissed off I was with him for taking me for granted and having done what he did to me that night. I admit that I put my hand around his neck and said "now how does that feel?", but my little hand was nothing to his big neck, and before I knew it, he was lifting my whole body up with his left hand under my chin(his arm in a sling), and then I was flung on the ground and bumped my forehead off something. I was drunk, but I remember enough.

You both get drunk, have a row, then you initiate physical violence with someone who is both drunk and is not terribly good at anger management?

What am i going to do????

Both of you seem to have issues that you need to address with regard to violence and anger management. From your descriptions it would appear that both of you seem to turn to violence in reaction to problems and while he is the stronger one, all it takes is enough drink and a knife or blunt object for something really bad to happen to either one of you, in the future.

Seek counselling together or separately ASAP. Separating may also be preferable but, given your financial situation, impractical.

WhiteWashMan

The Corinthian wrote:

Separating may also be preferable but, given your financial situation, impractical.

physical violence, and the threat of physical violence is not practicle either.

try womens aid again, you may get someone more useful for you, or the samaratins. tell them you wnt some affirmative action you can take, not just a person to talk to.
phone your mum, tell her whats happened, and ask her if she will help you move back some day when hes not about.

girl. just leave.

now you are just being bloody stupid.

Hobart

The Corinthian wrote:

Are you saying that you injured him?

Where does "he injured himself badly" turn into "you injured him"? Or are you just being a silly troll?

Both of you seem to have issues that you need to address with regard to violence and anger management. From your descriptions it would appear that both of you seem to turn to violence in reaction to problems and while he is the stronger one, all it takes is enough drink and a knife or blunt object for something really bad to happen to either one of you, in the future.

Seems to me that the op was doing a "how does that feel to you" type thing. I don't see anything about her being violent to him in her statement. I think both he and she realise that he has the upper hand when it comes to physical strenght, and her demonstrating what he had done to her, and his over the top actions, seem to indicate that he has some serious issues, not her.

Seek counselling together or separately ASAP. Separating may also be preferable but, given your financial situation, impractical.

Don't do it together, dump him. Get a job in McDonalds if you need to. If the financial situation makes it impractical, move in with a friend, family or whomever, but get out of the realationship now.

pickarooney

Hobart wrote:

Seems to me that the op was doing a "how does that feel to you" type thing. I don't see anything about her being violent to him in her statement.

Well, it was either violent or stupid, or both. You don't go poking a bear in the eye and expect him to feel sorry for biting you last time.

motrocco

seem like a good idea to move.

and that's not just my thoughts, it seems it everyone else's too.

he's got anger problems, maybe you too. he also sounds a lot bigger than you. not nice if he does decide to really lose it and there's a sustained amount of anger.

MOVE AWAY FROM THIS PERSON. HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

sorry for shouting, but the point needs to be made.

The Corinthian

Hobart wrote:

Where does "he injured himself badly" turn into "you injured him"? Or are you just being a silly troll?

There seems to be some ambiguity about the nature of the injury. It was apparently “100% inflicted upon himself”, yet she feels obligated as a result of this injury to stay with him. Additionally, given that later she further admits to initiating a violent act, it’s not an unreasonable question to ask.

Seems to me that the op was doing a "how does that feel to you" type thing. I don't see anything about her being violent to him in her statement.

Kindly remove the finger from your jugular and allow the blood to flow back to your brain. If she was attempting to replicate his past behaviour towards her, what do you think she was doing? Affectionately caressing his Adam’s Apple?

Violence is violence is violence and I’m frankly stunned that someone could suggest that based upon gender that it is acceptable in any scenario. It doesn’t matter if she’s a weak little girl or a big strong lad, it still is violence and using a “how does that feel for you” argument is absolutely no excuse for such behaviour - it’s right up there with the “she was asking for it” excuse, TBH.

I am not in any way condoning his behaviour, as I’ve already suggested, from her posts (remember we’re only hearing one side of events) he does appear to have serious self-esteem and anger management issues. However I am highlighting that both parties seem to resort to violence while arguing and that both should probably seek counselling about their need to resort to such behaviour.

I think both he and she realise that he has the upper hand when it comes to physical strenght

It takes very little physical strength to kill someone.