Stabbed in the back

arbeitsscheuer

So...

Picture the scene: 3 or 4 weekends ago... My 20th b-day night out celebratory thing in doyles... I invite my ex along cos, hey, we're still mates, and f**k it, I invited everyone else... Loads of my mates are there, all buyin me drinks (and I drink really f**kin quickly), so I get totally mashed up early on, round midnight or so, and head home... Every1 else heads to Portobello for the rest of the night...

So, 3 or 4 weekends pass... Out at a mates house last sat... Find out from a mate that my oldest mate scored my ex in Portobello... Really REALLY f**kin p*ssed off bout it. (Our group of mates has had an agreed, albeit unwritten, pact regarding ex-gf's for bout 2 years now)

And if that wasn't bad enuff, i find out the following day that no, my "mate" didn't just score her, oh no - He f**ked her.

So now I wanna kick his stupid f**king head in, and frankly, I would have no qualms bout decking her either (I apologise, I would never advocate hitting women, but this situation is different)...

So, what would you do? Deck the f**ker, or just cut him out of my life, and try to forget about it?

Your thoughts please...

Hugh Hefner

I'd just leave it be and move on. If you don't want to see him then cut him out. Don't just go to him and punch him like a freakin' loser.

Apart from that, I don't really see the problem with what he did. I know that I wouldn't care if my friend got it on with an ex (especially one who I'm friends with). It seems the only thing he did wrong was break this "unwritten pact". I think you can forgive someone for that.

Karl Hungus

SebtheBum wrote:

So, what would you do? Deck the f**ker, or just cut him out of my life, and try to forget about it?

Your thoughts please...

You do neither, and instead, you take a hearty dose of cop the **** on! She's your EX girlfriend, so how the hell is it any of your business who she sleeps with? To hell with the so called Unwritten Pact, it'd hardly stand up in court, so what does it matter? She didn't cheat on you with him, so don't whinge about it.

Just take a big deep breath, and think to yourself, are you that pathetic to cut a friend out of your life for just petty nonsense? Is that all friendship is worth to you?

billy the squid

no insult intended here but he is your ex partner, so who he sleeps with is none of your concern,

and I would also recommend that you slow down with the drink as well. no point in having a great night if you can't remember it.

Gone West

Hmm- billy: Theres a 9/10 chance that the ex is a "she"

po0k

You had broken up.

So the fúck what if your ex bangs someone you know.

Christ almighty, you'd think your mate just gave your mother the clap or something.

billy the squid

boyfriend, girlfriend , same answer still applys

just stick an S before the word he whereever you see it.

po0k

But billy, you clearly didn't read his post. So why did you try to give him advice?

Were you just chipping in your 2 cents?

ShevY

how long ago did you break up with the ex.

If its a decent amount of time, i think you should cop the **** on tbh..

athena 2000

SebtheBum wrote:

So, 3 or 4 weekends pass... Out at a mates house last sat... Find out from a mate that my oldest mate scored my ex in Portobello... Really REALLY f**kin p*ssed off bout it. (Our group of mates has had an agreed, albeit unwritten, pact regarding ex-gf's for bout 2 years now)

And if that wasn't bad enuff, i find out the following day that no, my "mate" didn't just score her, oh no - He f**ked her.
<snip>
Your thoughts please...

So you're really more upset by what you see as the disloyalty of your oldest friend? Trying to draw territorial boundaries over people and their free will is an exercise in futility. The forbidden is more interesting than the mediocrity of the ordinary.

You shouldn't lose your friend over this, but you can talk to him about it and see what really happened. Perhaps part of it is hearsay.

Gordon

In what other situations would you deck a woman?

Anyhoo, if he's a real friend of yours then this surely can't get in the way of your friendship. Call him up on the unwritten rule if you like but speak to him about it. And, hey he may not have read about this unwritten rule that you talk of because it presumably hasn't been spoken about.

Evil Phil

SebtheBum wrote:

I would have no qualms bout decking her either (I apologise, I would never advocate hitting women, but this situation is different)...

How so?

MrNuked

That is betrayal yes. Obviously you will feel aggressive because they make you feel half an inch tall by doing that, and on your bday too. This is normal and I sympathise with you. However, people who beat up others about girls they are not with are marked as **** generally, unless they are actually protecting them from physical harm. As headwrecking as their actions may be it is not socially acceptable for you to retaliate. You are better off cutting them both loose. Pair deserve each other I would think.

At least don't socilaise with your ex when this upsets you so much. Or at least only socialise with her on a one-on-one basis and tell her you don't want to hear anything whatsoever about her love-life.

It's never ok to hit a woman either. No matter what sort of thing they do. If you angry with one, tell her what you think of her. Don't shout it either. That hurts far more anyway. Complete silence towards them is even better if they want to talk, but is not always possible (I somehow get the impression the silent treatment is unlikely to be your forte )

meditraitor

SebtheBum wrote:

So...



And if that wasn't bad enuff, i find out the following day that no, my "mate" didn't just score her, oh no - He f**ked her.


Your thoughts please...

He's probably better in bed than you ,,,, loser


(hitting woman not acceptable)

Static M.e.

we all have rules like that too "The Code" and all that crack, but they are more guidelines than actual rules..

she is your EX and he is a good mate, get over it its not really a big deal, betrayed trust and all that, yeah i understand but unless you are still into your EX and your friend knows that ....

Either way im sure you and your friends have that other rule you seem to be forgetting at the moment " Never let a girl come between good friends"

WhiteWashMan

SebtheBum wrote:

So...

Picture the scene: 3 or 4 weekends ago... My 20th b-day night out celebratory thing in doyles... I invite my ex along cos, hey, we're still mates, and f**k it, I invited everyone else... Loads of my mates are there, all buyin me drinks (and I drink really f**kin quickly), so I get totally mashed up early on, round midnight or so, and head home... Every1 else heads to Portobello for the rest of the night...

So, 3 or 4 weekends pass... Out at a mates house last sat... Find out from a mate that my oldest mate scored my ex in Portobello... Really REALLY f**kin p*ssed off bout it. (Our group of mates has had an agreed, albeit unwritten, pact regarding ex-gf's for bout 2 years now)

And if that wasn't bad enuff, i find out the following day that no, my "mate" didn't just score her, oh no - He f**ked her.

So now I wanna kick his stupid f**king head in, and frankly, I would have no qualms bout decking her either (I apologise, I would never advocate hitting women, but this situation is different)...

So, what would you do? Deck the f**ker, or just cut him out of my life, and try to forget about it?

Your thoughts please...

i think your mate is allowed to score anyone he pleases.

seems petty and childish to want to hit either of them becuase you have a problem with them being together.

The_B_Man

yeah man forget it. get over ur ex.

Also, dont let a woman get between u and ur mate. my mate did the same except it was a cupla weeks after we broke up. i was pissed off alright but got over it sharpish.

arbeitsscheuer

Ok...

1. We'd been broken up a week, and we'd both pretty much said that gettin back together was on the cards, but just not yet... It's complicated...

2. Yes, Static M.E., my "friend" DID know how much I was still into my ex. The f**kwit.

3. WhiteWashMan, I think I should make it clear that it was a one-night stand thing, which in my view is much worse than the alternative: Think about it - If they got together and were going out, I wouldn't mind so much because then I'd know that it actually meant something to the two of them. But no, it's just that they couldn't giv a f**k about anyone but themselves.

4. Gordon, this unwritten rule has been spoken about MANY a time. He knew it, he broke it, he lives wit the consequences.

5. athena2000, no, none of it is heresay. He has confirmed it, (though not directly to me, the c*nt)

6. meditraitor... ha f*cking ha. Proud of your razor-sharp wit, are you? If you're not gonna post anythin helpful then F**K OFF.

Btw, I cannot understand some of your attitudes - Readin some of your posts, I reckon most of you don't seem to value friendship at all. And, like my "mate", you would sacrifice years of friendship for a quick f**k. You are the losers lads, not me.

LizardKing

I've been in this predicament a few times , on both sides of the argument. If I was you I'd be the bigger man and just let it go, She probably was only with him to get at you and if you show that it has got to you then she'll have won .. Just try to forget about it and move on ...

meditraitor

SebtheBum wrote:

Ok...


6. meditraitor... ha f*cking ha. Proud of your razor-sharp wit, are you? If you're not gonna post anythin helpful then F**K OFF.

What ye gonna do ,,, beat me up

koneko

Btw, I cannot understand some of your attitudes - Readin some of your posts, I reckon most of you don't seem to value friendship at all. And, like my "mate", you would sacrifice years of friendship for a quick f**k. You are the losers lads, not me.

I think people here do value friendships, but if you had an agreement with someone and they purposely go behind your back and do otherwise, then they don't really sound like a friend, more like "a guy you know that hangs out in the same circles".

Forget about him, move on. Sounds like she wasn't interested in getting back together with you either, so just forget about the both of them and try not to let it get to you, it's not worth it. Oh and don't go around punching people because you're angry. I know you haven't yet, but it could land you in more bother than just losing a "friend".

meditraitor

SebtheBum wrote:

So...

Picture the scene: 3 or 4 weekends ago... My 20th b-day night out celebratory thing in doyles... I invite my ex along cos, hey, we're still mates, and f**k it, I invited everyone else... Loads of my mates are there, all buyin me drinks (and I drink really f**kin quickly), so I get totally mashed up early on, round midnight or so, and head home... Every1 else heads to Portobello for the rest of the night...

So, 3 or 4 weekends pass... Out at a mates house last sat... Find out from a mate that my oldest mate scored my ex in Portobello... Really REALLY f**kin p*ssed off bout it. (Our group of mates has had an agreed, albeit unwritten, pact regarding ex-gf's for bout 2 years now)

And if that wasn't bad enuff, i find out the following day that no, my "mate" didn't just score her, oh no - He f**ked her.

So now I wanna kick his stupid f**king head in, and frankly, I would have no qualms bout decking her either (I apologise, I would never advocate hitting women, but this situation is different)...

So, what would you do? Deck the f**ker, or just cut him out of my life, and try to forget about it?

Your thoughts please...

Okay ,, sorry for the smart arse comment,,
Best thing to do is to drop the two of them for a while, if after you have calmed down you miss the friendship with either of them , let it lie and move on,
If not ****them ....

But snap out of that " I'LL fvcking deck them" crap,,, never solve anything, if anything you will end up the bad guy...

Sleepy

If she dumped you, and everyone knows it, then your mate was being a pretty poor friend.

Otherwise (i.e. a 'mutual' thing or you dumped her), you've no right to be upset about him shagging her. Sure it probably ain't an image you want in your head but you'll just have to deal with it. I know I've been with friend's exes and they've been with mine. Nothing worth getting upset over tbh.

arbeitsscheuer

LizardKing wrote:

I've been in this predicament a few times , on both sides of the argument. If I was you I'd be the bigger man and just let it go, She probably was only with him to get at you and if you show that it has got to you then she'll have won .. Just try to forget about it and move on ...

Yeah, a few of my mates have been sayin pretty much that as well... I know you're right, but if I see him or her I dunno what I'd do...

Oh, and btw Meditraitor - That's better! That's advice i can take to the bank... Didn't know ya had it in ya... :rolleyes:

WhiteWashMan

SebtheBum wrote:

Ok...

1. We'd been broken up a week, and we'd both pretty much said that gettin back together was on the cards, but just not yet... It's complicated...

2. Yes, Static M.E., my "friend" DID know how much I was still into my ex. The f**kwit.

3. WhiteWashMan, I think I should make it clear that it was a one-night stand thing, which in my view is much worse than the alternative: Think about it - If they got together and were going out, I wouldn't mind so much because then I'd know that it actually meant something to the two of them. But no, it's just that they couldn't giv a f**k about anyone but themselves.

4. Gordon, this unwritten rule has been spoken about MANY a time. He knew it, he broke it, he lives wit the consequences.

5. athena2000, no, none of it is heresay. He has confirmed it, (though not directly to me, the c*nt)

6. meditraitor... ha f*cking ha. Proud of your razor-sharp wit, are you? If you're not gonna post anythin helpful then F**K OFF.

Btw, I cannot understand some of your attitudes - Readin some of your posts, I reckon most of you don't seem to value friendship at all. And, like my "mate", you would sacrifice years of friendship for a quick f**k. You are the losers lads, not me.

if you were getting abck together, why did you go home early? why did she not look after you and go home with you?

look dude, you played a poor game, you got caught out, and some other guy stepped up to the plate and score a home run.

you can whinge about it like a baby, or you can get your act together, be a bit of a man about it and realise that they world has exploded, and they had a drunked sex. just like im sure you would have liked.

whats done is done, if you go about holding grudges all your life, you will be a very disappointed and bitter person.

this has nothing to do with friendship, it has everything to do with you as a person realising that just because you want something, doesnt mean it will come to pass.

so you had something going on with your ex. fact is, she wasnt your girl, shes free to make her own choices, just as your mate is, and dude, you werent on either of their minds,

tell them your p1ssed at them, and let them know you feel betrayed, but at least give them a good reason as to why you feel that way instead of stropping off on boards and calling us names because we dont neccessarily agree with you.

dearg_doom

Seb, imo you're fully right to feel angry.

Don't mind some of the replies above, most of them sound old/bitter/jaded, they should probably try to remember how hard that would hit a 20yo FFS

What your EX and mate did was fucccked up, but you can't dwell on it for ever,

You've just learned one of those 'life lessons' you've heard so so much about.

Now you just have to decide if you want to keep these people in your life or not, either way you're gonna have to accept it and move on, there's not much else you or anyone can do about it.

Just don't become bitter about it.

Much worse can and will happen to you

Zulu

So you wanna get back with the bird the knobbed your mate???

Look you should ignore her (she shouldn't have slept with you mate; should have know that would hurt you). If she really wanted to get back with you, she wouldn't have done that.

You should buy your mate a pint. He's after saving you from yourself.

Seed

Being your ex, you have no right to do anything to the guy. As she is your EX. Meaning you're not seeing eachother.

This topic is just lame.

*Page*

Sh!t happens have you spoke to your mate? have you found out if he was really blizt and didnt know if your ex was male or female at the time??

also may i ask! where do you get of(pact or no pact) having a problem with something that had nothing to do with you! your x meaning not yours any more can do what or who she wants and your mate can also!

if any x bf of mine gave me sh!t for doing something i choise to he'd be the one getting decked! and if i did sleep with one of my mates x's id expect her to understand that sh!t happened!!!

the only low bit i can see is that your mate or your x hasnt had the balls to tell you yet!

Zulu

*Page* wrote:

also may i ask! where do you get of(pact or no pact) having a problem with something that had nothing to do with you! your x meaning not yours any more can do what or who she wants and your mate can also!

What is it with you people! You don't sleep with your mates ex-girlfriend (at least not till he's over her). He's your friend, you don't hurt him.

Likewise, if you split up with your ex on good terms - you don't sleep with his/her friends. You know that this is going to hurt them. If you want to stay mates with someone you don't intentionally hurt them.

chump

Yea to be fair, that was harsh of your mate and low of your gf...

They had every right to do what they did, but it was low... you just have to suck it up...

Considering you still fancied your girl, and these sort of break-up for a week or so and get back together jobs often happen, I can easily see how you want to kill her (I say this in jest)

But look on it as a lesson learnt, do you want to hook back up with a girl, that within 1 week of a possibly repairable relationship, went along to your party, met and then rode a good old friend of yours?

arbeitsscheuer

chump wrote:

But look on it as a lesson learnt, do you want to hook back up with a girl, that within 1 week of a possibly repairable relationship, went along to your party, met and then rode a good old friend of yours?

I know it's a rhetorical question but - No.

You're right, of course. She isn't/wasn't worth my time, but I would've done anything for her - Clearly this feeling wasn't mutual. :rolleyes:

Actually, for the last few weeks there's been this girl on my case, but since I was still into my ex (and hopeful we'd get back together) I didn't wanna get involved, but now... Ah, I still don't feel like it tho.

the_syco

SebtheBum wrote:

5. athena2000, no, none of it is heresay. He has confirmed it, (though not directly to me, the c*nt)

Dude, it's hearsay untill he says it to your face.

*Page*

i appoligise i did not read the whole thread just the first post! i take it back one week slap her and f!uck him, you dont need either of them in your life!!!

arbeitsscheuer

the_syco wrote:

Dude, it's hearsay untill he says it to your face.

No, no, I'm certain.

1. My ex told her friend, who then told her bf, who just so happens to be my best friend... This was about the scoring, there was no mention of shagging...

2. Day after findin this out, another mate (i should really make up names for these ppl, it's confusing ME now) called me and told me bout the worseness of the situation... And he'd found out from my "mate".

3. Got whiny, whimpering, bs text messages from the guy apologising for "thinkin wit his dick" but without actually telling me what he'd done (he assumed - correctly - that I already knew the score). If you knew my "mate", you'd know how commonplace this kinda sh*t is, although he's never gone this far before. The pr*ck.

Also, may I point out that he has a history of this cr*p. At the time of writing, nobody in our group of friends likes him, for wildly varying (and completely justifiable) reasons, which I'm not gonna get into here. But there ya go.

dearg_doom

Zulu wrote:

What is it with you people! You don't sleep with your mates ex-girlfriend (at least not till he's over her). He's your friend, you don't hurt him.

Likewise, if you split up with your ex on good terms - you don't sleep with his/her friends. You know that this is going to hurt them. If you want to stay mates with someone you don't intentionally hurt them.

Here, here! +1

WhiteWashMan

lets be honest here. its none of your goddamn business what other people get up to.

tinkerbell

Dude, I'm so sorry to hear what happened. That's awful. You have every right to be upset.

1. You were only broken up a week.
2. Your friend knew how much you liked her.
3. There was talk of getting back together.

May I repeat points 1 & 2 over and over again. My god, he is NO friend if that's how he treats his friends. He knew you were crazy about this girl (you said yourself you'd do anything for her), and you were only broken up a week - a week is not enough time to heal wounds after a break up!

Yes, he was a major twat for doing that to you, then again so was she. He's a muppet for sleeping with your ex, knowing full well that it would hurt you, and she's an even bigger muppet for sleeping with one of her ex's friends!

To be honest, you are better off without both of them in your life. If that's the way they treat people, then they are perfect for each other.

Don't worry, the wheel will turn and they will know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back / karma, etc. It may not happen tomorrow / next year / in ten years, but it will.

Some people on here seem to be intent on saying you have no right to be upset, which isn't true. You just don't do that to a friend! You do have every right to be bothered. Refer to my points up above again. Like I said already, true friends don't sleep with their mate's ex when they've only been broken up a week. He's a git and she's a git, to hell with them both, you're better off without them, now that you know what they are both really like.

And I'm glad to see that you have the support of your friends as well, considering they don't particularly like him either. So get them to rally around ya and help pick up the pieces. As for this new girl - go for it!

Zulu

WhiteWashMan wrote:

lets be honest here. its none of your goddamn business what other people get up to.

Well, it kinda is his business, if they were talking about getting back together. :rolleyes:

But that aside, wheither it is or isn't, dosen't mean he has to like it, and it certainly dosen't excuse either of them.

uberwolf

WhiteWashMan wrote:

lets be honest here. its none of your goddamn business what other people get up to.

no man is an island. He is entitled to form his opinions of these people based on their actions.

I'd be pissed, but get passed it. You've learnt about them. One was a friend who betrayed a understanding that all males have. One week is not kosher - in anyones book.

As for her, I don't suppose you've much interest in her now. If she shagged him out of bitterness then she cared. So take heart in that if you need something to feel better about yourself.

Wibbs

I honestly can't understand the viewpoint of some of the replies here. Of course it's his business FFS. This didn't occur in a social vacuum. She is his extremely recent ex girlfriend. The guy involved is supposed to be his friend. The incredible insensitivity of both of them to do this on his birthday of all days, beggars belief. The OP should regard these idiots with the contempt they deserve and have shown to him.

I was in a very similar position as his (so called) friend a few years back. A recent ex of a friend of mine made it clear she wanted more than a good night kiss. I declined. Not because I thought as his ex, he somehow "owned" her. No, I didn't simply because I knew it would upset him. She was either stupid and therefore ignorant of any hurt it would cause, or knew it and chose to ignore it. Either way she was being an xxxx.

The thinking with his/her genitals excuse is hardly valid. Likewise blaming it on the drink. We are not blind sexual automata that should just do as we please without thinking of the consequences.

In situations like this there should be some modicum of responsibility to and consideration of others. It all boils down to simple bloody manners.

Gordon

This is panning out interestingly, nice to have two contrasting points of view for the Original Poster to mull over and consider and evaluate and decide upon the next course of action etc.

Gordon

SebtheBum wrote:

At the time of writing, nobody in our group of friends likes him, for wildly varying (and completely justifiable) reasons

Is he your friend?

Wibbs

I suspect this may have settled the matter of his friendship or no.

On rereading the topic I see this as written by whitewashman;

look dude, you played a poor game, you got caught out, and some other guy stepped up to the plate and score a home run

So now it's his fault in some way? Tell me you're joking.

WhiteWashMan

oh absolutely.
he is entitled to be annoyed, and he is entitled to hate whomever and he is absolutely entitled to have an opnion, but at the end of the day, while he may be annoyed etc, what those two do together is not his business.
so he fancied her. you know, many people have fancied girls i like, but if they snog them, then thats between them. i wont be happy, but really, what can i do?

WhiteWashMan

Wibbs wrote:

I suspect this may have settled the matter of his friendship or no.

On rereading the topic I see this as written by whitewashman;



So now it's his fault in some way? Tell me you're joking.

did i say it was his fault?

gee, read into it what you think, but thats not what i said, and its certainly not what i meant. those are you words, not mine.

Static M.e.

I think that if he knew you still liked her and shaged her well then he is a SPA, and so is she.

Granted you can go the whole "it was off she is fair game etc" route but if you wouldnt do it to your friend and you dont expect your friends to do it to you.

I think you should ring him and tell he is a spa and ask wtf happened?
get it off your chest and then tell him, Ill see ya next weekend.

No point in losing a friend over something like this, has for her, well delete her number from your phone and your life you dont need her (unless she has some hot friends and then go shag them )

Wibbs

To repeat what I said before whitewashman.

Of course it's his business FFS. This didn't occur in a social vacuum. She is his extremely recent ex girlfriend and the guy involved is supposed to be his friend

He didn't just fancy her. They had a relationship. There seemed to be talk of them getting back together. His friend knew this. So did his ex.

What they do from now on is obviously not his business, unless they parade the results in front of him. The incident that started this off is his business. The very fact this is an issue at all shows his involvement.

Zulu

WhiteWashMan wrote:

what those two do together is not his business.

...but it is his business. It directly impacts two of his relationships.
One with his so called friend, and one with a girl he has had a relationship with and was working towards patching it back up. How is that not his business?
And please don't bother coming back with the whole two responsible adults argument. They knew this would have an impact on him and they ignored that fact. - actually, that they discussed it afterwards highlights the contempt.

I'd say he's best walking away from both of them and not look back. She sounds like a heartless cow who evidently didn't have any real feelings of getting back together, and the friend... well his "acquaintance" evidently could care less about him and is solely looking out for himself. Certainly not qualities I look for in friends.

WhiteWashMan

fine, if you think its his business, thats great. you rock. what else do you want me to do, repeat my point ad infinitum?

iguana

I was in a similar situation years ago where my best friend and ex hooked up. And believe me it hurt like hell.

I cut both of them out of my life, which wasn't easy as myself and my friend had a lot of friends in common, but if I couldn't trust my friend anymore then we didn't have much of a friendship. Oh, and while it was something I never did I did fantasise a lot about hurting them both. It wasn't something I ever actually did, but I think that kind of fantasy is pretty normal. Anger is an important stage in getting over a break-up.

In the end I decided that I was grateful that it happened, it let me know what kind of people was trusting, it showed me who my real friends were. And it made getting over the relationship easier as at the time I was still hoping we would get back together and once that happened I accepted that it was never going to happen.

Try not to be too hurt though if your other friends stay friends with your 'mate'. It could easily happen and if you get pissed off with them for continuing their friendship you could be the one who ends up getting cut off.