I think my wife is cheating on me; private investigator?

in_shock

The signs are all there and the way she is lately with her mobile phone, going to "meetings", been uneasy when I confront her on things and so much more I cant say here. I need confirmation before I realise that my 4 year marriage has been a sham. Has anyone used private investigators in the past for this kind of thing?

Suaimhneach

I'd recommend honesty tbh, just ask her. Don't attack her. Just honestly ask and tell her how you feel.

If she is, better hear it from her rather than from an investigator that is practically a stranger.

I wish you the best.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

on the other hand, she could deny it and then start being even SNEAKIER.

*shrug*

sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

WhiteWashMan

in_shock wrote:

The signs are all there and the way she is lately with her mobile phone, going to "meetings", been uneasy when I confront her on things and so much more I cant say here. I need confirmation before I realise that my 4 year marriage has been a sham. Has anyone used private investigators in the past for this kind of thing?

or you could be paranoid?

gubby

I tend to agree with jes here.. if you can truste yourself to stay calm and not freek out. Tell her how you feel and that now you just want to know the truth, no matter how hard is will be.. tell her how much it is worrying you and even that you have thought of getting a private investigator. As jes said, hearing this from a stranger is going to make it so much harder for both of you. I am a great believer in a think called "saving face" or not putting people between a rock and a hard place. I suggest that you talk to her tell her that you know how hard it would be for her to admit (it is natural to be defencive) tell her not to tell you now but to go away and write you a letter.. telling you everything (if there is) and explaining how she is feeling.
Do you think you would be able to forgive her if you found out that it is true?
My heart goes out to you and to her too.. I hope everything will be ok.

coolhandluke

If your really smart,you'll be collecting the evidence.So that IF she is cheating when the inevitable divorce comes around you'll be the one holding all the ace cards forcing her to make a quick settlement in your favour rather than be dragged through the courts and shown up for the lying cheating tramp that she is !That's just my advice though

[Jackass]

For anyone here who has digital, have you seen "cheaters" on the reality channell??
Give Johnny Grecko a call! PI is the best way to go.
But tbh....if you think she's cheating...you'll find that she is
Be prepared for the worst

gubby

Oh god ye are a heartless cold bunch of **** :mad:

pwd

not really they ust are wise enough to know that asking straight out might just mean being lied to.
my ex could lie to me so convincingly that i'd almost believe her even when i knew for a fact she as lying.
Incidentally if you forgive someone for something as bad as that i think they will lose all respect for you. and probably do it again consequently.

in_shock

Could anyone reccomend a company, PM me.

billy the squid

Your talking a ****load off money for a half decent Private detective. cost me and me sister €1200 for one and we only hired him for three days work.. your best bet is to either do your own investigating (checking her phone, credit card bill etc) or you could ask her straight out.

orangerooster

As was said before hiring a P.I just isnt worth it.Do your own thing like reading her phone, if your friendly with any of her colleagues from work try ask them about these "meetings" in an informal manner and preferably while shes there so you can gauge her reaction or even try follow her to the meetings or offer to give her a lift to her office something like that. If you really want to do things right you'll have to get devious.

koneko

If it's gotten to the point where you feel like you need to hire a Private Investigator instead of talking to your wife (or distrusting her that much!), then what's the point in being together?

Dr Bolouswki

Spot on Koneko - you feeling the need for a PI really begs the question is a relationship so lacking in honesty and trust worth saving?

Sleepy

koneko has a very good point though I think coolhandluke has a better one. Do as much investigation as you can yourself and collect anything that could potentially be evidence of an affair. Credit Card bills are the classic area that adulterers fúck up on (charges for hotel rooms etc.)

You can do a lot of this legwork yourself, save yourself a fortune and you've done your best to ensure that you won't get completely screwed in a land where justice is a game played out in shambolic family courts.

The problem with jesjes's suggestion is that regardless of whether she's cheating or not, she'll fly off the handle if you ask her the question. She's a woman, and in general, they're a lot sneakier than us. They know that we'd expect them to completely loose the rag if we accused them of an affair when they were innocent so she'll go mad to try and act innocent if she is guilty. In an ideal world, the question would lead to an honest and frank assessment of your relationship. In real-life it'll just cause a massive row (and make her far harder to catch if she is cheating).

Shrimp

Did anyone see the film Valintine? it was on last night on TV3.. I cracked myself laughing at it.. anyway dress up as the bad guy in that.. and follow her around not been obvious of course, and see what she gets up to..

here's a pic of what you need to look like.. She'll never see it coming.. I'm the man with the master plan.. hehe..

http://www.cinema.com/image_lib/5070_6522_thumb.jpg

gubby

The big question here is, is the marriage worth saving? or working on? do you love her? If you go down the routh of pi and sneaking at her stuff you are going to do even more damage. For gods sake man tell her how worried you are. suggest ye get some help ... anything.. just dont throw it away unless you, yourself want out.
What happend to "innocent until proved guilty"
Just for a second.. assume that she is not having an affaire!!! and you go hireing a pi or sneaking into her stuff. ok how would you feel if it was the other way around. Why does everyone here automacilly assume that she is guilty? oh yeah.. ye are all men that are replying to him. that might explaine a lot about the male brain. :mad:
Mister, you need to ask YOURSELF some hard questions.

Sleepy

That's right Gubby, everything bad in the world is a man's fault :rolleyes:

Zombrex

Forget the P.I. ... what is he going to do? You know something is up, but what is you are wrong about the reason. What if the P.I comes back and says everything is fine. You need to her it from her.

Tell her, straight to her face that you know something is wrong, something has been wrong for a while now, and unless she comes clean and tells you what is going on, you are going to leave her because you won't be in a marriage where the other person is cold and distant to you.

If she still doesn't tell you, leave.

ionapaul

The females here are ONE step away from telling the OP its his own fault if she is cheating on him - he isn't trusting enough, how could someone expect their WIFE to be true to them if they think like that and go through her stuff!

Women are amazing and wonderful, like an evil genius created by the best comic book writer...

koneko

Please point out exactly where I said that. I said if you don't have trust in a relationship, there's no point in being together really. Whether she's cheating or not. Nowhere did I say that's his fault (it's usually both parties that are to blame when that happens, and she's obviously not truthful or open with him if she isn't even talking to him).

Beruthiel

ionapaul wrote:

The females here are ONE step away from telling the OP its his own fault if she is cheating on him...

only one female posted here (that I know of)

as far as I'm concerned, there is something really wrong in a relationship where one partner is on an internet forum instead of talking to their other half.
She would not be cheating on him if everything was going well in their relationship - therefore both parties are at fault here, it is obviously that the relationship is in big trouble and that they are not talking.

Zombrex

ionapaul wrote:

The females here are ONE step away from telling the OP its his own fault if she is cheating on him - he isn't trusting enough, how could someone expect their WIFE to be true to them if they think like that and go through her stuff!

I don't think anyone has said that, in any of the posts, male or female.

Sounds like someone has "issues" :rolleyes:

Zombrex

Beruthiel wrote:

She would not be cheating on him if everything was going well in their relationship - therefore both parties are at fault here, it is obviously that the relationship is in big trouble and that they are not talking.

That is not necessarily true ... she could just be a selfish bitch ...

But you are right, if he can't get her to talk about what is going on (and he doesn't know she is actually having an affair) then the relationship is in big trouble even if she isn't having an affair. And the fact that instead of talking to her and demanding to know what is going on, he would rather go behind her back and get a PI so he doesn't have to confront her is an even more worrying sign.

The Corinthian

in_shock wrote:

The signs are all there and the way she is lately with her mobile phone, going to "meetings", been uneasy when I confront her on things and so much more I cant say here. I need confirmation before I realise that my 4 year marriage has been a sham. Has anyone used private investigators in the past for this kind of thing?

Firstly, you have to consider that you’re simply being paranoid, to begin with. Secondly, before you try to find out one way or another, you should consider your reaction if her infidelity is confirmed.

Finally, chances are you don’t need a PI if she is being unfaithful. For example, you apparently know when she is being unfaithful - her meetings - so all you have to do is collect enough evidence that she is lying about these (can’t be that difficult to do, TBH) and then challenge her on them if/when you do. If you have sufficient circumstantial evidence she’ll be forced to come clean, even if you’ve not caught her in flagrante delicto.

Wicknight wrote:

Tell her, straight to her face that you know something is wrong, something has been wrong for a while now, and unless she comes clean and tells you what is going on, you are going to leave her because you won't be in a marriage where the other person is cold and distant to you.

And what if either she lies or she’s actually been faithful? Either he will be forced to believe her or not. Back to square one.

Beruthiel wrote:

She would not be cheating on him if everything was going well in their relationship - therefore both parties are at fault here, it is obviously that the relationship is in big trouble and that they are not talking.

Ahhh... the “my wife doesn’t understand me” excuse :rolleyes:

D!ve^Bomb!

She would not be cheating on him if everything was going well in their relationship - therefore both parties are at fault here, it is obviously that the relationship is in big trouble and that they are not talking.

are you takin the piss or what?

neuro-praxis

No long term couple has it rosy all the time. If a couple are experiencing problems (which all couples do) and one of them cheats during the problematic period, you can hardly claim that both parties are responsible.

The only behaviour you can control is your own.

Beruthiel

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

are you takin the piss or what?

read the charter with regards to comments such as this one
B

Zombrex

The Corinthian wrote:

And what if either she lies or she’s actually been faithful? Either he will be forced to believe her or not. Back to square one.

Well if nothing is wrong, he is just being parinoid and is wife is actually perfectly happy, tells him this, and he still doesn't believe her, or if she continues to lie about it (he feels something is wrong after all) then that isn't much of a relationship either.

D!ve^Bomb!

ok, are you messin?

The Corinthian

Wicknight wrote:

Well if nothing is wrong, he is just being parinoid and is wife is actually perfectly happy, tells him this, and he still doesn't believe her, or if she continues to lie about it (he feels something is wrong after all) then that isn't much of a relationship either.

Exactly - so your suggestion to simply 'tell her' is not much of a solution.

The Corinthian

neuro-praxis wrote:

No long term couple has it rosy all the time. If a couple are experiencing problems (which all couples do) and one of them cheats during the problematic period, you can hardly claim that both parties are responsible.

I would probably expand upon this by commenting that there is a difference between a reason and a justification.

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

Which is worse... Thinking the worst or knowing that she IS cheating?

Your mind is gonna be thinking all crazy stuff. I would confront her now, rather than let it go any further. Hiring a PI is crazy.

ambrose

WhiteWashMan

i'd have to agree with ruthie on this one.
i would also feel that if someone feels the need to seek something in the arms of another, then there is a problem with the relationship.

while i think the onus should be on that person committing the offending act to not do it, i also think that couples should be informed enough about each other to be able to talk about factors effecting their relationship.
after all, marriage is for life, not just for the good times. all relationships have ups and downs, but for someone to go off and have a relationship (not just a once off drunken fumble out of stupidity and circumstance) then yes, there really has to be something there for someone to cast aside their partner and do that. they are wrong to do it, but at the end of the day, there is still a problem there that both parties shoudl be aware off.

onthe other hand, mumblings about meetings, and 'the way she is with her phone' (what, she has sex with it? she ont let you read her texts?) are hardly the evidences that i would tar someone an adulterer over!
i mean is it really that hard to sit down with the person you love and say to them 'hey, weve been having a hard time recently, lets talk about it. im worried about x, y and z, and some of your behaviour has been off. what happening, whats wrong and how do we make it all better?'

is that so hard, becuase i dont think it is.

ionapaul

Wicknight wrote:

I don't think anyone has said that, in any of the posts, male or female.

Sounds like someone has "issues" :rolleyes:

Well, I was actually only half-messing (half, mind) with my earlier post...then...

Beruthiel wrote:

...She would not be cheating on him if everything was going well in their relationship - therefore both parties are at fault here

As I said, one step away from telling him the cheating is entirely HIS fault, the uncommunicative BASTARD!

Damn, my "issues" must be showing again!

Beruthiel

ionapaul wrote:

As I said, one step away from telling him the cheating is entirely HIS fault, the uncommunicative BASTARD!

Damn, my "issues" must be showing again!

yes they are,
no where did I say it was entirely his fault, I said both were at fault

ionapaul

Ah now, I did say one step, did I not?

Hopefully this won't turn into another long argument about the morals of cheating that we had a few months ago. I just don't want the OP to think that his current 'lack of trust'/suspicion is somehow to blame for his wife's cheating (if she actually is, I hope she is not).

Longstaff

Some people can separate love and sex. Maybe the guy she's seeing has a massive flute? He stretches her ass while you provide the companionship. Most handsome men can easily juggle the necessities of a long-term relationship with guilt free filthy dirty schoochie-moochie on the side and plenty of women can too.

I mean you're hardly going to have anal sex with your wife and then expect her to perform fellatio while in the back of your mind you know that thats the same mouth that kisses your children goodnight are you?

That stuffs for the sluts out there. Of which there are many mark my words. I have pm'ed you with a fool proof and inexpensive solution to your dilemma.

pwd

Longstaff wrote:

Some people can separate love and sex. Maybe the guy she's seeing has a massive flute? He stretches her ass while you provide the companionship. Most handsome men can easily juggle the necessities of a long-term relationship with guilt free filthy dirty schoochie-moochie on the side and plenty of women can too.

I mean you're hardly going to have anal sex with your wife and then expect her to perform fellatio while in the back of your mind you know that thats the same mouth that kisses your children goodnight are you?

That stuffs for the sluts out there. Of which there are many mark my words. I have pm'ed you with a fool proof and inexpensive solution to your dilemma.

While ytou make a good point, and women do do this, they are more likely to be unfaithful than men, they look for gentle nurturing types to marry and cheat with aggressive macho types, scientific fact I'm quoting here, saw it on discovery channel, you seem to be taking pleasure in this guy's misery by putting it across in such an aggressive manner.

D!ve^Bomb!

Beruthiel wrote:

yes they are,
no where did I say it was entirely his fault, I said both were at fault

actually that's not true what so ever.. ok yes i agree that there must be something wrong in the relationship for on partner to want to be with someone else, but it is not the fault of the other partner that they do actually do it

MickFarr

If you have a PC and your wife use's it to access the internet. Use the program below to track anything and everything she does on the PC. You will also be able to log into any eamil accounts she may have online and check her emails

I do hope for you it's just a horrible mistake but if your gut is telling you somethings wrong then there is something wrong!

Best of Luck mate!

007 Keylogger Spy Software

uberwolf

gubby wrote:

Oh god ye are a heartless cold bunch of **** :mad:

fúck that, all bets are off if she's gone there.

You could confront her dramatically, simply ask her with your reasons, or snoop around and check it out - even ask one of your mates to follow her some evening, or for a few evenings. Sure maybe someone here will do it for the laugh.

Hopefully there are no kids, you can learn your lessons and move on, with your share of the split because you have the evidence. I know someone who's still paying for his wife after they've split(she cheated) because he hasn't the balls to chase it, and she's still sneaking the lover around - if she's hooked up then she loses her monthly 'pay cheque'

Longstaff

So far the advice being dished out is mamby pamby crap from people who get life experience from watching TV and dish out advice they assume to be correct based on how "Jesus" would handle the situation.

I'm here as a wake up call. I've been the guy who has walked in on his wife sitting on a penis that wasn't mine and I've also been the guy shimmying down the drainpipe.

I take no pleasure in this man's pain, in fact I empathise, there's nothing worse then treachery. But it's time for action not for philosophising.

I've told you what to do PM me when the trap is set.

Sleepy

You should be able to get free key-loggers on www.download.com either, or try googling for one, they're not difficult to find!

MickFarr

Longstaff wrote:

So far the advice being dished out is mamby pamby crap from people who get life experience from watching TV and dish out advice they assume to be correct based on how "Jesus" would handle the situation.

I'm here as a wake up call. I've been the guy who has walked in on his wife sitting on a penis that wasn't mine and I've also been the guy shimmying down the drainpipe.

I take no pleasure in this man's pain, in fact I empathise, there's nothing worse then treachery. But it's time for action not for philosophising.

I've told you what to do PM me when the trap is set.

Good Man!!

uberwolf

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

actually that's not true what so ever.. ok yes i agree that there must be something wrong in the relationship for on partner to want to be with someone else, but it is not the fault of the other partner that they do actually do it

indeed, and further to that by cheating and not discussing the problem she's to blame. Problems are ok, can strengthen relationships if resolved maturely. If instead of bring it up she sought solace elsewhere then the ball was in her court.

V.Interesting piece in yesterdays Sunday Times magazine re: female infelidity. It was unsettling TBH. but maybe worth a read for some of you debaitng here

Longstaff wrote:

.

I've told you what to do PM me when the trap is set.

frankly I'm intrigued

ionapaul

I'm also intrigued - can't beat a good trap on a lazy Monday afternoon...

Will have to look up that Sunday Times article - hopefully I can find it online...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/section/0,,176,00.html

Go down to the Magazine section...very interesting. No need to discuss here as it is off-topic

Longstaff

all will revealed in due course.

MickFarr

Can't wait!!

Dr Bolouswki

jesus christ - this has degenerated into madness!

Beruthiel

keep this thread on topic

Longstaff
read this forum's charter with regards to the type of comments you are making.
B