why now...

cajun_tiger

a rant but advice needed

my daughters father is now all of a sudden ringing every week to see my daughter,its going through my head. he's so fake and such an a$$. i don't want my daughter around him. he's got himself a girlfriend which i thought great for him(poor girl) but now his every now and again visits have turned into him constantly ringing and txting me.
i want him out of my life. i don't think its for himself that he's seeing her so much i think its to make his gf think he's this great daddy,.which hes not. he's only been around for the past year and a bit. she's nearly 5.

any one know if i can get him to go away

him wanting to see her is taking up the only time i get with her(the weekends) i dont see much of her during the week cause i work. so saturday and sunday are my days with her.

she doesn't know him as daddy just the guy with the spikie hair. but its really getting to me

Zulu

Well in fairness - not being privee to all the info - he is her father. If he wants to see her he should be allowed. Why dosen't she know him as her father? It sounds like you don't encourage this relationship.

cajun_tiger

i don't. he hasn't been here since she was born. then he gets this girlfriend and starts acting!!!! interested. and has the fony smile and makes baby noises at her shes 5 he's been around for 11 months and just keeps taking up more and ,more of our time..

she doesn't like him. she gets pi$$ed off when i bring her to his cause
quote- mammy he goes through my head-end quote

landser

IMO, while it might be difficult to accept, your own rel. with the father, should not be a fcator in your daughter's rel. with him. if you try to force a rift between them, thru' the courts or o/wise, she may not thank you for it and it may not be best for her either. he does have a right to see his daughter, no matter what you feel may be his motives.

as regards keeping him away, ii will be difficult to say the least. unless there's a risk to the child he's entitled to access and the district court will grant it. if his names on the birth cert, then he's also guardian, and you can do very little without his agreement e.g. passports etc.

koneko

He's her father, for all you know he's changed and seen the error of his ways and wants to be a part of his daughters life.

You can try and "get him out of your life", but if he wants to see her he'll go through the courts and will get visitation.

cajun_tiger

there is risk he used to beat me.(reason for supervised visits)
no name on birth cert or baptism cert or nothing. legally he stands no where unless he wants to fork out for a perternity test.

cajun_tiger

but he hasn't changed. not 1 Fuc$ing bit.

koneko

You're not going to get the advice you're looking for here, I don't think many people are going to give you advice on "how to get rid of him".

He's still her father, whether you hate him or not.

Canis Lupus

Pay for him to be killed or if thats not an option do it yourself, just watch Friday crime night on discovery first to make sure u don't make a mistake.

Other than that it would be pretty tough to keep him away bar moving away.

Draupnir

i hear villas in Spain are cheap these days anyway. thats one option, he wont find you there.

you could plant heroin on him and cal the guards. thats another.

do you have any brothers/friends/boyfriend capable of beating him up?

Zulu

cajun_tiger wrote:

quote- mammy he goes through my head-end quote

No offence meant - but I would imagine she gets this from you.
TBH, I don't think you'll find the sympathy/advice you want here. You are comming across in a poor light.

Gilgamesh

does your kid go to him every weekend?
I mean, surely you guys can come to some agreement about when she goes over.
he can't just turn up on the doorstep and say he is going to have her today or for this weekend.
you should maybe talk to him about this, or even try to get him to have her during the week for one or two days, if he is SO interested in seeing her again, he will do this.I don't know what the ruling is in this country, but my parents were divorced and I know my mum was entitled to know way in advance what the plans were.
My mum then put more pressure on my dad, as he tried a similar 'trying to impress the new gf' thing, by insisting that my sister goes to him twice a week aswell, so that he has some of the responsibilities, and doesn't just try to bribe my sister off in liking him.
I was old enough to make my own ecissions just for info, so I personally wasn't affected

ravenhead

cajun_tiger wrote:

there is risk he used to beat me.(reason for supervised visits)
no name on birth cert or baptism cert or nothing. legally he stands no where unless he wants to fork out for a perternity test.

Your best bet is to hit him for maintainance, this will surely make him have second thoughts afterall from the sounds of things he is a bit of a scumbag to begin with & I personally don't think that I'd want him near my child either if I were you ....

Beruthiel

every child has the right to know who their father is, be they good or bad.

why don't you just ask him straight out what exactly he wants?
ask him if he want to make this legal, pay his weekly maintenance and have his allotted supervised visits. When he does this properly and sticks to it then he has the right to see her
your daughter will not thank you later if you keep them apart - she has to know who he is and make up her own mind later in life if she wishes to continue seeing him, if you keep that decision from her she will hold it against you.

The Corinthian

As has been said repeatedly this chap has a right to see his daughter. Even with his name omitted from the birth certificate he can ultimately gain access and guardianship though legal means, if he so chooses to do so.

He may, as you suggested still be the same individual that maltreated you, however he may also have changed or matured, which may be why he is seeking to have a greater role in his daughter’s life. Your belief that he has not changed seems solely based upon your dislike of him - you’ve presented little evidence to this or, more importantly, why he would be a negative influence or even risk to your daughter.

With regard to your daughter’s feelings towards him, these are largely your design. You’ve even shielded her from his paternal identity, so I would not be unfair to assume that you’ve made no secret of your opinion of him to her. This is regrettably what she is probably reflecting back at you.

Unfortunately, your need to exclude him from his daughter’s life seems mainly based upon what you want rather than what is best for your daughter. As such, in the long run, this may well be something that your daughter will hold against you - especially if your assessment of his character proves to be wrong.

However, if he does want to see his daughter, then he should be paying you maintenance for her welfare. If he’s not doing so already I would demand this as prerequisite to access as it would be a good litmus test of how serious he is about his daughter. If he pays reasonable maintenance, then his intentions are probably honourable; if not you can tell him that he can only have access if he pays or though the courts, in which case you’ll hit him for maintenance though the same courts. Then you can come and tell us how we were all wrong about him

cajun_tiger

ok point taking... no she doesn't get it from me because i treat and speak to him and about him in the nicest way when shes around my reason for taking this rant here rather than home.

i'm just very angry that he's using her like a pupet to get brownie points off his girlfriend,

Hobart

cajun_tiger wrote:

i'm just very angry that he's using her like a pupet to get brownie points off his girlfriend,

I think that this is just an assumption of yours. Nobody, but you, can have experienced what you went through with this guy and it seems to have left a lot of hurt with you.

Having said that TC gives some very solid and good advice. Do something about it. Advice, like you have recieved here, is mostly free. Representation, if needed, in a lot of family law cases, is free. Get in touch with the family law courts in Dolphin House (opposite the paliament and porterhouse pubs) and ask them to send you out whatever information they have on access and family law.

As it stands at the moment he has no rights to see your daughter. However, that can change in quite a short space of time. Just keep up to speed with anything he may do on the legal front.

cajun_tiger

The Corinthian wrote:

Unfortunately, your need to exclude him from his daughter’s life seems mainly based upon what you want rather than what is best for your daughter. As such, in the long run, this may well be something that your daughter will hold against you - especially if your assessment of his character proves to be wrong.

i just don't like the way that its happened thats all from me and her getting on great rarly seeing him to wam him there ringing ringing and telling me to cancel my plans....change my life to suit his

The Corinthian wrote:

As has been said repeatedly this chap has a right to see his daughter. Even with his name omitted from the birth certificate he can ultimately gain access and guardianship though legal means, if he so chooses to do so.

right can you or anyone tell me what he is intiled to just so i know?

The Corinthian wrote:

He may, as you suggested still be the same individual that maltreated you, however he may also have changed or matured, which may be why he is seeking to have a greater role in his daughter’s life. Your belief that he has not changed seems solely based upon your dislike of him - you’ve presented little evidence to this or, more importantly, why he would be a negative influence or even risk to your daughter..

how hasn't he changed he treats me and his mother the same way. i just don't let me and i walk away. he acts like his life is greater than mine, and goes on about how people are talking about him not seeing his daughter(doesn't know how to spell her name the right way.. i have told him how)

The Corinthian wrote:

With regard to your daughter’s feelings towards him, these are largely your design. You’ve even shielded her from his paternal identity, so I would not be unfair to assume that you’ve made no secret of your opinion of him to her. This is regrettably what she is probably reflecting back at you..

i haven't sheilded her he hasn't been there there is a difference...

would i go oh look sweety see this picture of someone you don't know he's your daddy he's not around cause his"social life is more important"-his words

or

hey see this guy that you've only now met once or twice(if i was to do this at the start) he's your daddy, and is probably going to disapear when this relationship ends with his new gf.

The Corinthian wrote:

However, if he does want to see his daughter, then he should be paying you maintenance for her welfare. If he’s not doing so already I would demand this as prerequisite to access as it would be a good litmus test of how serious he is about his daughter. If he pays reasonable maintenance, then his intentions are probably honourable; if not you can tell him that he can only have access if he pays or though the courts, in which case you’ll hit him for maintenance though the same courts. Then you can come and tell us how we were all wrong about him .

i dont want to tell you that you were wrong. i'm pi$$ed off and angry with him and don't like his sleezy ways of getting things..

and ye i do hate him i have every right too. i'm not going to introduce my little girl to this guy and tell her he's your daddy... its for the best because if he does disapear. this way she won't have lost anything she never had.

Sleepy

Maybe the new girlfriend has had a good influence on him and mad him realise that he has responsibilities towards his daughter?

I'd second what The Corinthian said though: maintenance should be a prerequisite for access.

D!ve^Bomb!

cajun_tiger wrote:

and ye i do hate him i have every right too. i'm not going to introduce my little girl to this guy and tell her he's your daddy... its for the best because if he does disapear. this way she won't have lost anything she never had.

i'm sorry but you are acting awfully selfish here... he may have seen the error of his ways and decided that he wasn't to be apart of his daughters life.. why would you wnat to deprive her of this..

If she grows up not knowing who her father is, then it could cause some SERIOUS emotional damage

Beruthiel

Draupnir wrote:

i hear villas in Spain are cheap these days anyway. thats one option, he wont find you there.

you could plant heroin on him and cal the guards. thats another.

do you have any brothers/friends/boyfriend capable of beating him up?

Draupnir
please read the forum CHARTER with regards to unhelpful comments such as this
B

seamus

However, if he does want to see his daughter, then he should be paying you maintenance for her welfare. If he’s not doing so already I would demand this as prerequisite to access as it would be a good litmus test of how serious he is about his daughter. If he pays reasonable maintenance, then his intentions are probably honourable; if not you can tell him that he can only have access if he pays or though the courts, in which case you’ll hit him for maintenance though the same courts. Then you can come and tell us how we were all wrong about him .

There's not much more to say cajun, than this bit from Corinth. We don't know him, we don't know the full story, and in fact we are only getting an extremely biased one sided story here.

As for the constant calling, ask him to stop. If he persists, report him to the Gardai and your service provider as a nuisance caller.

Ph3n0m

Fathers in this situation are legally entitled to nothing, nowt, not a bloody thing (personal experience here)

The only way a father can legally expect anything it to come to a mutual agreement with the mother and get it signed, sealed and delivered with the help of the good people in Dolphin House.

If he is insistent on seeing his child, hit him for maintenance, and establish ground rules - that suit you, since the child lives with you for more then 80% of the week.

Get onto a decent family law practioner - and get solid advice from them. Let them tell you exactly what you can do and are entitled to do in relation to this situation.

However do not let your personal feelings get in the way, when explaining matters to them, give them provable facts - if he beat you and you reported him to the gardai, etc. If it is just heresay, that is easily dismissable.

Dont forget this is a guy who for whatever reason, now wants contact with his child - but up til now, as far as I can see, has provided no visible means of support.

He cant just have the idea of having a child, he has to prove he is willing to support the child - financially, emotionally and selflessly

I can only tell you what I did - but a solicitor will give you more then enough help

cajun_tiger

just a reminder... i have been hiking up and down to his house with my daughter for the past 11 months with out complaint.. he's made me change holidays and other plans of mine. when she askes who daddy is i'll tell her but not until then

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

and ye i do hate him i have every right too. i'm not going to introduce my little girl to this guy and tell her he's your daddy... its for the best because if he does disapear. this way she won't have lost anything she never had.

imo you are over emotional here and just thinking from your point of view, which is probably very valid for you.
However, put yourself in you daughters place – does she wish to know who her Dad is? if she hasn’t asked yet, you can bet she will any time now. My sister’s bloke legged it as soon as she got pregnant – between the ages of 3 to 8 her daughter asked incessantly about her father, you have to have the answers and they have to be honest and thoughtful for the child.
TC’s advice is very good, get the maintenance up front and see how serious he is about seeing his daughter regularly.

koneko

Definitely, DEFINITELY get maintenance sorted. It's his daughter, children cost a lot, and he should be helping with the financial aspects.

Other than that I don't think you're thinking about your daughters best interests. As much as you dislike him, he's still her father and she has a right to know who he is and he has a right to see her. Denying him access to his daughter is only going to hurt her in the long run and I wouldn't be surprised if she finds out about it when she's older (and he looks for contact with her) and she resents you for it.

cajun_tiger

in my house she has a mammy a nana a la la(my dad) and a ri. ok daddy doesn't come into the question, she's surounded by males. i've uncles that spend alot of time with us. and her godfather ri see's her everyday with out fail.

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

just a reminder... i have been hiking up and down to his house with my daughter for the past 11 months with out complaint.. he's made me change holidays and other plans of mine

he made you change plans? how did he do that? and why would you?
set some boundries woman!

koneko

cajun_tiger wrote:

in my house she has a mammy a nana a la la(my dad) and a ri. ok daddy doesn't come into the question, she's surounded by males. i've uncles that spend alot of time with us. and her godfather ri see's her everyday with out fail.

So that makes it okay? So, years from now, when she's a teenager, and wonders who her father is, and you tell her "Oh yeah I wouldn't let him see you becuase I dislike him", you don't think she'll be upset?

Uncles, grandfathers, male friends/relatives, they don't make up for a lack of father figure.

cajun_tiger

how by threatening to get her taken off me. by saying i'll cause as much sh!t as i can if i don't see her tomorrow. ect. again more of his a$$holish behavour and ye i should but for so long i just gave in so there would be no sh!t and now i've had enough

cajun_tiger

cajun_tiger wrote:

just a reminder... i have been hiking up and down to his house with my daughter for the past 11 months with out complaint.. he's made me change holidays and other plans of mine. when she askes who daddy is i'll tell her but not until then

koneko did you read this one???

koneko

Yes??? And it makes a difference how?

You say "when she askes who daddy is i'll tell her but not until then", so she doesn't know he's her father?

You know what, I can't be bothered reply anymore, you're not going to listen anyway, you don't want advice, you just want people to agree with you and tell you how good you are.

The Corinthian

cajun_tiger wrote:

i just don't like the way that its happened thats all from me and her getting on great rarly seeing him to wam him there ringing ringing and telling me to cancel my plans....change my life to suit his

Then lay down some ground rules. Agree a timetable and a means of agreeing future changes to it.

right can you or anyone tell me what he is intiled to just so i know?

Seek professional legal advice as has been suggested.

hey see this guy that you've only now met once or twice(if i was to do this at the start) he's your daddy, and is probably going to disapear when this relationship ends with his new gf.

He may still be the immature twit who split when the egg did, but then again that’s not necessarily the case. People change. Personally I would have run a mile in his situation when I was twenty, but not at thirty (or probably twenty-five).

It is your duty as a mother to put aside your personal feelings and find out if he’s serious or not. But ultimately, even if he’s not, your daughter has a right to know who her father is. Keeping this from her will most likely damage her and come back to haunt you some day.

i dont want to tell you that you were wrong. i'm pi$$ed off and angry with him and don't like his sleezy ways of getting things..

It sounds more and more as if this is more about you and him and less about what’s best for your daughter.

As I said, if he’s not paying maintenance then demand he pays this as a condition of visitation. If he runs, then you’ve solved your problem; if he pays, then this is a good indication that he’s serious about his daughter and that you will have to overcome your personal feelings for her good. Otherwise your motivation is as selfish as you would allege his to be.

Ph3n0m wrote:

Fathers in this situation are legally entitled to nothing, nowt, not a bloody thing (personal experience here)

Father’s rights are presently a fairly hot topic in family law, and even if they are presently limited, they will most likely be reformed within a few years.

Beruthiel

cajun_tiger wrote:

how by threatening to get her taken off me. by saying i'll cause as much sh!t as i can if i don't see her tomorrow. ect.

and you fell for that?
tell him to take you to court then, your solicitor will get him sorted out one way or the other, including maintenance, which afaik can be back dated to the birth if you wish - see how he reacts to that.

ravenhead

cajun_tiger wrote:

how by threatening to get her taken off me. by saying i'll cause as much sh!t as i can if i don't see her tomorrow. ect. again more of his a$$holish behavour and ye i should but for so long i just gave in so there would be no sh!t and now i've had enough

But at the end of all this you're going to have to let your daughter make up her own mind about her father. If he is as bad as you say she'll see that, children aren't stupid. But for the time being you really need to get things sorted out legally - that way he can't carry on like this because he will have set times for visiting extra, but at the moment you have no boundries, & from the sounds of this post you still seem to be frightened of him, you can't live you're life like that ... do something about it..

landser

cajun_tiger wrote:

right can you or anyone tell me what he is intiled to just so i know?

.

if he's not on the borth cert, he can apply to the district family court to be named aa a legal guardian. this will give him a say from anything to her going on holidays, signing passport forms etc.
in addition he has a right to seek access to the child via the courts. if he is violent the court may well stipulate that such access be supervised thru a mutually agreed person etc.
you can object to either of these with varying degrees of success or failure.

You can seek maintenace from him. if he fails refuses or neglects to pay meintenance once asked, you can apply to the district family court for a maintenance order. if he does not pay on foot of such an order then his wages can eventually be attched.
you should contact the family law office in dolphin house, east essex street if you need to make an application. they're used to dealing with lay litigants

skywalker

cajun_tiger wrote:

how by threatening to get her taken off me. by saying i'll cause as much sh!t as i can if i don't see her tomorrow. ect. again more of his a$$holish behavour and ye i should but for so long i just gave in so there would be no sh!t and now i've had enough

id echo what ruth said, seems legally he cant cause you too much **** tbh. and i certainly wouldnt let him be the one dictating exactly when it suits him to see her. if hes genuine he will appreciate time with his daughter whenever it comes. not just when it fits in his social calendar.

i think you guys are being a little harsh on cajun_tiger here. am I the only one whos taken on board what shes saying about the fathers past, biased view or not.

Miles

Start dragging him through the courts, you'll soon see how interested he is. If he's not paying child support I would start there.

:cool:

secret_squirrel

CT - you need to calm down and think about this carefully and logically. Try to put aside how you feel about this guy for your own and your daughters sake.

I'd echo most of the other advice here -

1. Get some proper legal advice as soon as possible.
2. Before you go write some notes down about the situation so far include a history of your relationship up to this point.

3. Ask your solictor to explain your options - based on 2.

4. BE REALISTIC - if he has truly changed and wants to see his daughter and is willing to support her - he will likely end up with some form of access to her - its likely to be fairly restricted and timetabled to suit you and your daughter though.

5. ACT NOW as fathers rights are indeed a hot topic and changes to liberalise them are likely in the future. Acting now will also bring things to a head and help reduce the amount of stress you are obviously under in the long term.

6. HE is her father - whether you like it or not. Deal with it.

Ms Beanbag

Cajun Tiger, correct me if im wrong, but Arent you the person who stated in another thread on PI that you were in a massive argument with this guy, and you hit him first and then he hit you. and he was v.sorry etc
TBH in this thread, your giving the impression hes a psycho, "hes beating me"
I think your exagerating. you know your not 100% right, so you put him in this light in order to get your opinion validated by others.

koneko

no ms beanbag, that's the current boyfriend (father of 2nd child?), not the ex. different people.

gubby

ok I am going to slip away from the norm here.. I think that this girl knows this guy better than any of us here. and I would go with her gut feeling. I think the little girl may be better off at least for now, not knowing this man. When she is older, if she starts asking serious questions about her dad you can explaine why you did what you thought was the best. I would like to know if he does pay anything towards her upbringing? Does your daughter ever ask about her father?
Good luck. your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving mother.

Ms Beanbag

koneko wrote:

no ms beanbag, that's the current boyfriend (father of 2nd child?), not the ex. different people.

koneko

OK, maybe I wasn't clear, but i was just clarifying for you that the person she talked about before that hit her (in the other thread) is her current boyfriend, not the ex boyfriend.

D!ve^Bomb!

jesus!!! i really do feel sorry for that child now!

Ms Beanbag

I think she should go see a councellor or someone who is familiar with family law and knows what to do in these situations.
It seems complicated to me...
Seeking the advice of a few strangers on the net isnt going to be too helpful to her. No-one really knows the full story from just a few posts.

WhiteWashMan

i would have thought that getting up the duff again with a man who doesnt love you, and that you offered an open relationship to because you were so desperate to feel wanted, would have been a bigger problem for you right now.

what exactly is your problem about your daughter seeing her father?
it sounds to me as if at least one person has grown up a little bit and is willing to take some responsibility, rather than speand their time trying for new ways to get knocked up.

Miles

Well at least it sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. It's tough being a single parent.

MojoMaker

Thankfully.

Miles

Ouch, where's the love?

MojoMaker

In my pocket.