Ultimate thread of quotes!

gaui3d0pnbz86o

This should be a sticky!
Behold the ULTIMATE quote thread, any line any show(be sure to name it!) as long as its funny!

family guy: chris: hey dad i just realised you name is peter
peter:your right it is..... he he peter


chris:there's an evil monkey in my closet

peter:I'll tell you whats wrong lois, everytime were doing it your thinking about our son


futurama: bender: hey fry im steering the ship with my ass
fry: thats the best thing ive ever seen!




ill post more after some sleep!


tom

Crucifix

Bender: "Bite my shiny metal ass"
Fry: "It's not that shiny"
Bender: "Shinier than yours"

gaui3d0pnbz86o

paper in futurama: balls finilly licked!

Mimikyu

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Mimikyu

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gaui3d0pnbz86o

family guy!

Peter: Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Lois: Peter, you know I hate beards
Peter: No no Lois, it's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus was so popular? cause of all the magic tricks?

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

smoke.me.a.kipper

the internet is on computers now.

internet eh? maude eh?

gaui3d0pnbz86o

marge: homer thats not god, thats just a waffel on the ceiling!

p.pete

Giancarlo Few Straightjacket wrote:

marge: homer thats not god, thats just a waffel on the ceiling!

mmm sacrilicious

smoke.me.a.kipper

homer: the first thing that baby is going to see is a man with a good job.
selma: yeah. the doctor. hahahaha

Rozabeez

Spongebob:hey gary!
Gary: mow...

p.pete

not the actual words but close enough -

Wigam: How satified are you with the police service
Marge: Hmmm, somewhat
Wigam: Well ok, maybe we'll just "somewhat" find your daughter

smoke.me.a.kipper

wiggam: mmmm.... earned my treat. *licks ice cream*

"So, I noticed your house smells of faeces." - Homer

Creature

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so called wicked guy, he had long hair and some crazy ideas and he didn't always do what people thought was right, and his name turned out to be.......I forget, but the point is......I forget that too. Marge you know who I'm talking about, he used to drive that blue car.

_Kaiser_

Homer: "Don't feel bad.. you tried your best & failed miserably.. the lesson is: never try"

Homer: "Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?? For fun?? Well I didn't see anyone laughing..did you?? - except at that guy that makes sound effects...biiiizzzzmmmm.... "

Mimikyu

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knifey_spoonie

Simpsons:

Elmo: (Comes trough a church window in a trash can) Elmo knows where you live



Mad cat woman:argh garah grall argh grah



Lisa: are you licking toads again dad

Homer:tehehehehehehe



Homer:Im going to give this badge to the next person i see

Wigam:yoink, this was the way i got the job in the first place

woosaysdan

homer: no tv and no beer makes homer something something
marge: go mad?
homer: dont mind if i do!!!

Zapho

Peter: Ok Louis, but remember our agreement. If I go through with this, then tonight, I get anal......yup, no matter how clean I want the house, you have to clean it!

Stewie: Do that again, and I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon!
<flashback>
Stewie: Eh John have you met Yoko, Yoko this is John.....

gaui3d0pnbz86o

marge it takes two to lie, one to lie and one to listen - homer

weemcd

Lou and his fritattas

kinkstr

"she farted and it went down my throat"
i laughed for hours thinking about farting down someones throat lol

Chong

"It's uter-us, not uter-you" -Homer

JBoyle4eva

(Family Guy-Brian): Who's leg to you have to hump around here to get a drink?

(Futrama-Bender,Leela and Fry are at a museum exbition called past-o-rama, viewing a traffic-jam hologram)
Leela: So Fry, did you own one of these 'cars'?
Fry; Oh, nobody owned one in New York, there's too much trafffic)

Matthewthebig

"If we can hit the bullseye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards... Checkmate. Now like all great plans my strategy is so simple an idiot could of devised it. On my command, all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage." - Zapp Brannigan

gaui3d0pnbz86o

welcome to my quarters or as i like to call it, the lovenasiem- zap

Peteee

The sexiest part of a women is her boobies

I sense a very sexual disturbance in the force

I have a very sexy learning condition, ziff, what do i call it!
*sigh* Sexlexia

- err, that spaceman dude from futurama

Burns: No! I thought, uh, I thought I'd chauffeur myself this evening.
Yes, that's what I thought. How difficult could it be? I'm sure
the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and
which the deceleratrix, hmm?



Homer: [in falsetto] Hello Mr. Burns? This is your mother.
Smithers: [whispering] No...
Burns: Urg... Oh, hello mater. Um... sorry about pulling the plug on
you and all, uh... who could've known you'll pull through
and... live... for another 5 decades? Ohh, is my face red!
Smithers: [to Homer] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more
dessicated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!


Lisa: You know Dad, assisting Mr. Burns could give your career a real
shot in the arm.
Marge: [comes in, holding a bowl] You know Homer, assisting Mr. Burns
could give your career a real shot in the arm.
Lisa: Mom, I just said that.
Marge: [sarcastically] Soooorry! Next time get your own darn corn.

Marge: Mmm ... so it *is* noticeable.
Lisa: What happened?
Marge: I don't know; I woke up like this.
Bart: Oh, cool! You could be in a freak show!
Homer: Don't talk to the bearded lady like that, you little ... !
[Homer strangles Bart, and Bart's neck stretches longer and longer.
When Homer lets go, Bart's head tips over backwards over the back of
his chair.]
Marge: Gee, you strangle him all the time, and that never happens.
Homer: Oh, he's fine -- it's just a growth spurt. [he coils Bart's neck] Good
as new!
[Bart's head keeps tipping, so Homer keeps rebalancing it.]
There! Right as rain!
[Bart's head tips over onto the table.]
Marge: Homer, it's that evil gypsy's curse. We're all being punished because
*you* trashed her office.
Homer: Marge, that "curse" is just a lot of silly superstition. Right, Lisa?
Lisa: [stomps one of her new horse's hooves twice]
Homer: See? Two means "yes".

(last quote from the 'atrocious' season 13, still funny no?)

PaddyOC

Homer : Yeah Im Stupid Stupid as a Fox

Sangre

No that season 13 quote isn't funny, its using its typical 'wacky' humour where Homer is avoiding the obvious in a hilarious way.

{Quagmire after seeing the cheerleader tied up in the bathroom stall]
'Deat diary......JACKPOT!'

JBoyle4eva

Family guy(Season 2; Ep 1: Da Bom" It's the Millennium moment and nuclear bomds have just destroyed the world:

Peter: Holy Crap............Anyone else feel that?

Mimikyu

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simu

Carnie Pa (in southern drawl): We woz beat by the best, son.

Carnie son (in sqeaky voice): But Pa, they didn' look all that...

Carnie Pa (interupting son, speaking resolutely with angry undertone): We woz *beat* by the *best*.

crippledshutin

To paraphrase Apu to the Squishy Girl as he cheats with her on Manjula:
"ohhh, I can tell you have given birth to less than five children!!"

*adele*

(spongebob squarepants to patrick)"patrick u can do anything ur a star!"

JBoyle4eva

*adele* wrote:

(spongebob squarepants to patrick)"patrick u can do anything ur a star!"

Took me a minute to get that!

gaui3d0pnbz86o

stewie(at at funerial, looking at other babies): id do her, do her , wouldnt do her, who hasnt done her, call me in a few years and we'll see, do her...

Fysh

Homer : "Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
Post Office Attendant : "Okay, Mr Burns. Now, what's your first name?"
Homer : "I...don't know."

South park:
News reporter :"Sir, do you believe in a ladder to heaven?"
Random weirdo :"Well, if heaven is an eight-yearl-old boy and my penis is the ladder."

Not exact words, but:

Cartman : "The animal is unaware, so I will now proceed to very carefully stick my little finger in its anus."
*Cartman sticks finger in cow's ass; cow promptly sits on his head*
Cartman : "Aaah! What the- help, you guys! It smells like Kenny's house in here!"

gaui3d0pnbz86o

lor of omicron percsi 8: mmmm this jerked chicked is good, i think ill have frys lower horn jerked!
bender(from a distance) its used to it! wooooo!

Crucifix

Family guy-
Peter: "This is going to take a portion of my cunning- No, no; All my cunning"

gaui3d0pnbz86o

peter: quiet lois or the network will cut our funding(dances away very jerky and stuttery as fuding cut!)

Zapho

Rehab Nurse: Whats your name?
Peter: Uhhhhhh <looks around and sees a pea on a plate>
Pea....<sees girl crying> tear.....<griffen flies by> Griffen! Ah crap!

gaui3d0pnbz86o

lisa: mr smithers mr smithers that moose is on fire!

p.pete

Lois: Thank God everythings alright, I half expected that when we returned you'd owe a lot of money or something.
Peter: How do you "half expect" something?
Lois: I don't know, it's just a turn of phrase.
Peter: How do you turn a phrase?
Lois: God you're stupid, thank goodness for that ass.

gaui3d0pnbz86o

lois: peter, is that a new ass
peter: i had to get it, the last one had a crack in it!

Unit00

Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

Bart: Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.

Abe: We saw that meteor shower back in my day. We thought the world was ending so we naturally blamed the irish. We hung quite a few of them.


Mr Burns: Money is for the poor

orangerooster

Family Guy-

(peter is immense from 13 days of sitting on a couch due to being unemployed and is down at the docks with brian)
Tom Tuckers upsidedown face freak child: Whats that dad?
Tom Tucker:Why thats Mercury the planet closest to the sun, what its doing down here by the waterfront I have no idea,we should get a scientist.
Peter:IM A GUY YOU JACKASS!

Florida from Different Strokes(I think):Whats wrong with me,whats wrong with me?!?My name is Flordia,FLORIDA!thats the name of a state.....flor....i...d...a...florida!(breaks down into tears)
Kid Dynamite: DY-NO-MITE!

Man in motel:Watch out though we have some bad roaches.
Giant hispanic gang member cockroach 1(I love the fact Family guy gave me a legit reason to type that!):Yeah man choo better watch out!
Giant hispanic gang member cockroach 2:I'll cut choo so bad choo wish I dont cut choo so bad!
Brian:Bad roaches.
Man:I blame the schools.

Death:Heres a picture of her.
Peter:Wow shes cute.
Death:Oh wait thats a picture of Edward James Olmos,heres her picture.
Peter:Nice ass.
Death:Sorry thats a picture of Edward James Olmos' ass.
Peter starts to walk with the picture.
Death:Im gonna need that picture of Olmos' ass back.

Daggermouth:Im also delightfully mad.

Daggermouth:I say boom-boom have you done you're laps?
Boom-Boom:I've done twenty and I'm going to do twenty more (starts drinking milk from daggermouths bowl)
Daggermouth:OH YOUUU!

gaui3d0pnbz86o

zap:kif, i have made it with a women... inform the men!

Mr.Nice Guy

Family Guy

(Brian acting as a guide dog takes some blind guy int to watch a film which is obviously the Blair Witch Project)

Brian:OK they're in the woods,uh the camera's moving around,they're looking for a witch or something I dunno I wasn't listening.
Nothing's happening,nothing's happening..something about a map,nothing's happening...OK it's over.Alot of people in the audience look pissed.

(Peter talking to Fonzy in the woods)
Peter:Hey Fonzy there's something I've always wanted to ask you.All those girls you were with...did you ever catch any diseases off any of 'em?
Fonzy:Herpes.Twice.Ey!!!

(My personal favourite as Peter walks in late to a bulimia help group)
Peter:Aw Jeez,sorry I'm late everyone.Hey did anyone else throw up after eating that fish last night?

JBoyle4eva

Family Guy.

(Peter wnats to be in Lois' play of 'The King and I'"
Lois: Peter, why would you would you want to be in play?
Peter; For your information lois, I've been trying a lot of artistic things lately; Art

---

Cuts to art class and there's a naked guy being painted. Peter elans to woman beside him
Peter: Am I supposed to draw the penis?

---

Peter.....Sculpting......

---

Peter: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

---

Peter......And Conducting.

---

Peter: Am I, Ami supposed to conduct with my penis?

Stalfos

Zapp Brannigan from futurama: brannigans law is like brannigans sex, hard and fast.