Should i tell her? Feel awful

kavanag

Ive been seeing a really wondeful woman for six months but I screwed up big style at a christmas party last week and I don't know what to do.
I kissed a colleague, it was an act of randomness..no more...a kiss.
I'm concious of how small this town is, and ive become a bit paranoid over this.
I'm debating whether or not to tell my woman, apart from making myself feel better i don't see what i can achieve by it.
I'll never do it again, that i know and there's no feelings for the other woman.
uuughhh What should i do?
Worried

loz_the_boz

Forget it !

You'll do more harm than good telling her.

........

Did the same last friday myself !

I've done it before, and I told the g/f the truth, was fine after a day or two. Chocolates and flowers are sleazy and baloney when telling her for the first time. Tell her, then depending on her reaction, make it up to her the best way you know how. Apart from anything, a relationship won't work without there being honesty involved.

loz_the_boz

Papa Smut wrote:

I've done it before, and I told the g/f the truth, was fine after a day or two. Chocolates and flowers are sleazy and baloney when telling her for the first time. Tell her, then depending on her reaction, make it up to her the best way you know how. Apart from anything, a relationship won't work without there being honesty involved.

Agree to an extent, but it was only a harmless ( probably drunken ) snog

Wa it drunken kavanag ?

barbie girl

Its just a kiss I wud say nothin And if she finds out say it was under the missel toe

Bri

Agree with Papa Smut.

It will eat away at you and imagine if she finds out another way. Bam! The relationship is def. gone. It's gonna be painful but you have to tell her.

Without being harsh - how are you so certain you'll never do it again? You hardly woulda not said that before the party. Just try and learn from it and show her your guilt.

Agree with Bri. It hurts a little to tell, but it has to be done. Out of respect to her, you do owe her the truth.

loz_the_boz

barbie girl wrote:

Its just a kiss I wud say nothin And if she finds out say it was under the missel toe

i'd go with Barbie Girl

Canis Lupus

Never tell..... ever ever ever EVER...... Jeez.... there is a limit to honesty in relationships.... never tell the opposite side u cheated.... even if they say they are fine with it they will wonder about it ever after... just forget about it and move on..

Bri

Also I don't get how you could keep it a secret especially if your paranoid. If your ridden with guilt and paranoia - do you think you'll be the same person around her? I know I couldn't.

loz_the_boz

Bri wrote:

Also I don't get how you could keep it a secret especially if your paranoid. If your ridden with guilt and paranoia - do you think you'll be the same person around her? I know I couldn't.

I think he sounds a little concerned - no mention of guilt though !

Canis Lupus

Canis Lupus wrote:

Never tell..... ever ever ever EVER...... Jeez.... there is a limit to honesty in relationships.... never tell the opposite side u cheated.... even if they say they are fine with it they will wonder about it ever after... just forget about it and move on..

Canis, you've given some really good advice here before, but this isn't one of them. If a relationship is to work, it has to be built on the solid foundation of honesty. No matter how much it hurts. If this leads to marriage (you never know) it would really disrupt it if she did find out down the line. At least this way, she knows he screwed up, but he feels so bad, it won't happen again. Whereas if he keeps it secret, She just may think, "well, if he lied to me about that, what else was he lying about". Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. So much sh1te happens because of "little white lies"

MickFarr

barbie girl wrote:

Its just a kiss I wud say nothin And if she finds out say it was under the missel toe

Yip, sounds like a good idea (must remember)

Bri

MickFarr wrote:

Yip, sounds like a good idea (must remember)

Heheh. Thing is I doubt anyone else would call it that if they're talking about it. This wasn't even a random score on a distant stag party...it was an office X-Mas party!

Dr. Dre

Do not tell.
'nuff said.

loz_the_boz

Papa Smut wrote:

Canis, you've given some really good advice here before, but this isn't one of them. If a relationship is to work, it has to be built on the solid foundation of honesty. No matter how much it hurts. If this leads to marriage (you never know) it would really disrupt it if she did find out down the line. At least this way, she knows he screwed up, but he feels so bad, it won't happen again. Whereas if he keeps it secret, She just may think, "well, if he lied to me about that, what else was he lying about". Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. So much sh1te happens because of "little white lies"

Bollocks

loz_the_boz

loz_the_boz wrote:

Bollocks

Well isn't that sooo helpful? I won't start flaming (Don't worry PI mods ).
But this is something I experienced, and am giving my honest opinion and advice. So there

Canis Lupus

I'm fairly shallow papa and have no problem keeping stuff like that to myself and have done in the past as well.... Personally I do not beleive honesty is the best policy when it comes to telling yur partner u cheated on her... I had a friend who cheated drunkenly on his girlfriend and couldnt live with the guilt... he told her... she said it was fine... they broke up a little later as a result of it.... and i have seen that repeated as well with another couple.... ALTHO I have a girl friend whose boyfriend cheated on her and they survived but only cos the girl had in her past been a bit of a player (not with him but other relationships).... but even then she was totally and utterly devastated and they only just stayed together.

My advice on this matter is to keep quiet and not be bringing trouble on yurself..... if the worst comes to the worst and she finds out then cross that bridge when u come to it....

ravenhead

I really think you'll do more harm by not telling her if you live in a small town, she bound to hear about it, so get there first & go with the miseltoe thing, it won't sound as bad.

& Just wanted it noted .. I was in a similar situation a copy of months ago & came to boards looking for advise & was called nothing but a cheater, double standards for guys & galls me thinks!!!

loz_the_boz

it was a harmless random ( probably drunken ) snog - any reasonable ( marriage worthy ) woman would understand,

Any women in relations care to comment ?

Canis Lupus

ravenhead wrote:

I really think you'll do more harm by not telling her if you live in a small town, she bound to hear about it, so get there first & go with the miseltoe thing, it won't sound as bad.

& Just wanted it noted .. I was in a similar situation a copy of months ago & came to boards looking for advise & was called nothing but a cheater, double standards for guys & galls me thinks!!!

heh heh.... thats tough that is question is did u tell yur partner about it?

Bri

loz_the_boz wrote:

I think he sounds a little concerned - no mention of guilt though !

Read the title!

loz_the_boz

Bri wrote:

Read the title!

Oh Thanks !

I think he is a little more concerned re getting caught, than actually feeling guilty about doing the deed.

Bri

Yeah I'd agree with you from the tone of the message just couldn't not point that out.

Still think he should tell her though!

simu

If she's likely to get angry if you tell her, say nothing. A kiss = 0.

monkeyfudge

It's all up to the individual really... If it's something that you can live with then don't say anything. But if it's eating you up inside, then it really is no way to go through your life in a relationship, so you might as well tell and see if you can work things through.

I'd be concerned with the fact that you refered to your partner as "my woman" She's not a possession...

Bri

simu wrote:

If she's likely to get angry if you tell her, say nothing. A kiss = 0.

Maybe there was groping and so forth?!

tinkerbell

Tell her. No matter how drunken / small / blah the kiss was, it still counts as cheating on her. How would you feel if she kissed a work person at a Christmas party? You'd probably be devastated.

You owe her the respect in telling her the truth. Any good relationship is based on honesty, not on keeping these kind of things to yourself. If she finds out down the line that you kissed someone else, she could be even more devastated that if you tell her now.

You have the opportunity now to tell her and get it out in the open. Prepare for some serious grovelling though! Then you can both move on from the incident, be it that she forgives you or does not. But you do owe her the truth.

That's my 2c anyway.

simu

Bri wrote:

Maybe there was groping and so forth?!

True, after all he doesn't say where he kissed is colleague. :eek:

All the more reason to keep quiet.

Bri

Good point Tinkerbell. Picturing yourself in her shoes (rrrr!) should inspire a confession. If not then maybe your relationship isn't that strong in the first place? I'm sure not everyone would see it that way but sure...I would.

Sleepy

Only tell her yourself if you are absolutely 100% sure that she'll hear about it from someone else. Otherwise you're only telling her to appease your conscience and in doing so hurting her. If you're in a relationship with someone you shouldn't want to hurt them so you can feel better. So, live with your conscience, treat your girlfriend better and don't do it again!

Bri

Have to say I'd disagree Sleepy. If your in a relationship surely you should respect the other person enough to tell them. Arguably your simply fooling them otherwise, and they deserve better.

Canis Lupus

Thats such a nice moral way of looking at things Bri........

Idbatterim

I would not tell her, she may lose trust permanently, by the sounds of things you obviously know it was a mistake, feel really bad and wont be doing it again. You know yourself it wasnt a good act, but thats the important thing, you know it was wrong. Im not trying to make exscuses but im sure you were happy at the party and alcohol played a roll, again not trying to make exscuses! Im with Sleepy, youll be hirting her, to ease your hurt...

Bri

Why thank you.

Beruthiel

loz_the_boz wrote:

Bollocks

please read the charter of this forum!
B

The Corinthian

Say nothing. Deny everything.

She'll eventually convince herself you're telling the truth regardless of what she sees or hears.

Lump

I wouldn't tell, especially if it was just a kiss, do what barbie girl said... if she finds out say it was under the mistle toe.... or if you fell really guilty, just say you kissed a woman... under the toe

John

Victor

tinkerbell wrote:

No matter how drunken / small / blah the kiss was, it still counts as cheating on her.

No, it only counts as cheating if she considers it cheating.

monkeyfudge wrote:

I'd be concerned with the fact that you refered to your partner as "my woman" She's not a possession...

Actually, the English language is the offender here. In many languages there is not difference between girlfriend / wife / partner / woman / significant other.

simu wrote:

A kiss = 0.

How u doin'?

The_B_Man

if the kiss actually meant something to either of u, then it might be a bit more tricky. u might consider telin. however, if it was nothin to both of u, keep it hush.

wat she doesnt know, cant hurt her, but how do u know the other girl will keep it a secret?

women, in my experience, usually suffer more from guilt of this kind.

OLDYELLAR

tell her
you`ll end up telling her in the future anyway , your timing sucks a little , but if it was me i`d want to know.Believe me if she finds out from someone else or finds out you didnt tell her until ages after it`ll seem as though you have something to hide and cant be honest with her .

Tiriel

tell her. although having said that if my boyfriend told me he'd kissed someone else I'd be so paranoid that our relationship would be in serious trouble. I don't think I could trust him again and I would be sooo uncomfortable knowing he was going back to work .. with her..

to be honest you've already made your bed.. so lie in it and she will have to respect your honesty.. so you really have to tell her but not the way you told us.. go more with the miseltoe thing maybe..

I don't think she needs to know details.. just that something happened.. play it as a joke or something.. make little of it.. otherwise she will be so hurt.

The thing is.. she won't hold it against you so much as against herself. Well I would.. I would be questioning whether I am right for my boyfriend or if I'm not enough for him anymore. that insecurity and low self-esteem is something that is not a nice feeling.

So you really have to make sure she KNOWS how much you mean it that it would never happen again.. how silly and stupid it was.. how much you love her.. and don't forget to remind her regularly

good luck and I hope it works out ok, I know you regret it just make sure your girlfriend knows that too.

neuro-praxis

Listen to your conscience and tell her.

If you don't, it will be easier to do it again and again.

If you want to stay with her long-term, you will never be working off of a clean and honest slate with her over this. Be an adult and face the music, she will be hurt. But one kiss shouldn't destroy a good relationship but if it does, then it wasn't a good relationship.

Victor

Go see the film Metroland (not with her).

JB123

Dude dont tell her that on Christmas week.What she dosnt know wont hurt her.Honesty is 4 wimps.U did the dirt now u must live with the paranoia 4 a week or 2.Did i say DONT TELL HER u will regret it she may do the dirt to get u back.Its not like the other bird is having your baby twas only a drunkun snog.

passive

Bite the bullet and tell her. Drunken mistakes can be made, yes, but now you're sober and perfectly able to decide whether or not you should or shouldn't have done it. you shouldn't? okay, good. now tell the girl. If she loves you and it's serious and all that it'll work out in the end. The two of you will move on etc.

If she has trust issues or its a very big deal to her then she'll dump you. That is, of course, the possiblity you wish to avoid but pretending that nothing happened is the most dishonest and bastardly way of trying to achieve that end.

If infidelity would cause her to dump you and you keep it to yourself then every day of your relationship from that point on is a lie. You're using her for all the love and affection she happily gives you since she doesn't know what you've done. She won't be kissing, loving or smiling at you as you are now (cheater, liar, secretkeeper), only whatever it is she thinks you are (faithful, honest etc) so you'll just be playing with her and it won't really count for anything.

Telling her and explaining how worthless it was, how **** you feel, how much you don't want to lose her and anything else that comes into your head is the only real way of actually dealing with this if you want to stay with her. Her forgiveness will be worth a hell of a lot more than her ignorance.

elivsvonchiaing

Thoughts on this...

"You know how I had such a terrible hangover, the day after the office party?". "I don't know if I really did this... just can't remember... I really hope she's just a bitch that want's to break us up, and made up the whole story. I don't even find her remotely attractive anyhow - can't be true!"

Could be one way to break this to her...

[Edit:] I'm single by the way, last g/f there was an incident like this, I came clean about - it was another nail in our relationships coffin in the end. This idea was just a rethink of what I did before. I'm probably not the best source of advice here... But if the line appeals to you as the easiest/safest way out go for it! But you probably need to accurately guage whether a full honest disclosure would not be better.

Imposter

I think the biggest problem for your gf if you tell her will be the fact that you work with this girl. What's she going to think every time you go to work? Ok, that's maybe a bit over the top but I presume you get what I mean. I wouldn't tell her but you should learn from this and make sure you never do anything like that again. Alternatively if you would do something like this again then you really should reevaluate the relationship you have with your gf.

atlantis

My God get over it. If it was just a kiss as you say then there is really nothing to worry about. Forget about it and move on with your life.

Bri

passive wrote:

Bite the bullet and tell her...If she has trust issues or its a very big deal to her then she'll dump you. That is, of course, the possiblity you wish to avoid but pretending that nothing happened is the most dishonest and bastardly way of trying to achieve that end. If infidelity would cause her to dump you and you keep it to yourself then every day of your relationship from that point on is a lie. You're using her for all the love and affection she happily gives you since she doesn't know what you've done. She won't be kissing, loving or smiling at you as you are now (cheater, liar, secretkeeper), only whatever it is she thinks you are (faithful, honest etc) so you'll just be playing with her and it won't really count for anything.

This is very well put - it's what I was trying to say!

The Corinthian

passive wrote:

If she has trust issues or its a very big deal to her then she'll dump you. That is, of course, the possiblity you wish to avoid but pretending that nothing happened is the most dishonest and bastardly way of trying to achieve that end.

On the upside, if you pretend that nothing happened, then any residual feelings of guilt or conscience will have faded within a few days and you have forgotten that it had ever happened in the first place.

If infidelity would cause her to dump you and you keep it to yourself then every day of your relationship from that point on is a lie.

If asked by a girlfriend; “does my bum look big in this dress”; I have learned through hard experience that the truth is often an overrated concept.

Still, what do I know? I’m sure the truth is always the best policy, and “sorry darling, but I had a surreptitious snog with a chick from the office” is the perfect Christmas present for the one you love. It just keeps on giving.