Real bad timing!

LegacyUser

Ok about 5 months ago i boke it off with my girl friend, just wasnt working out on my end but she was in the other position and was devastated.

Now we get back together and things are goin great she relly seems to have matured and i m finally able to say i do love her. We get to our one year anniversary last week and have a romantic week dinner cinema free house the whole nine yards. I turn around to her and tell her how much i trust her.......................she tells me she shagged some lad while we were apart, twice and he dropped her home in his car (which i dont have) the both mornings after!!!

Now goes with out sayin i m pissed, relly ****ing pissed!! I know i ended it but i didnt go sticking my cock in some slapper and i certainly wouldnt have blurted it out on that weekend!

But it continues, i remember her tellin me that this guy was goin around sayin that they had and how hurt she was!!!! i m losing my mind her.She then start s balling im so sorry so so sorry of course i m not goin to lose the plot with this one roaring in my ear!

The problem is i saw this girl ( and i mean girl cause she definatly isnt a woman) as the definition of trustworthy, would never in a million years just shag some random guy, now she s in college in dublin!!!

I m goin insane anytime i try to talk to her about it she starts crying, how can i trust her????

cajun_tiger

thats a hard one. and i strangly know what your going through. trust just doesn't pop out of thin air. your with the girl for a reason hopefuly not just s_e_x, give it time. build trust. when your so devistated you can do stupid things more than once esp if you get feelings of a nice kind( happy safe being with someone even one night stands) just take a breath and think why your with her what are your feelings before she told you remember them. now remember why you dumped her and remember why you got back with her... now how do you feel??

Beruthiel

oooooo wrote:

I m goin insane anytime i try to talk to her about it she starts crying, how can i trust her????

I'm sorry?
am I missing something here?
you broke it off with a girl who was in love with you and while she was single she shagged some bloke and now you're upset and can't trust her anymore?!?!?!?

she was most likely very upset when you finished with her, so she slept with some random bloke - they do say in order to get over someone you should get under someone else.
maybe because of you she wasn't thinking straight, either way, you have no right whatsoever to give her a hard time over this, she probably regrets what she did, but so what? we all do things we regret.

and as ross was always saying in friends
"we were on a BREAK!"

this has nothing to do with trust, if you trusted her before while ye were in the relationship, you can now
what she did while she was single is her own business
end of story

koneko

You broke up, and hurt her, did you expect her to stay celibate and wait for you in case you changed your mind? I'm sorry, I don't really feel sorry for you at all. She didn't cheat on you. You just feel bad right now because you can't bear the thought of some other guy having sex with her. You'll get over it. She did nothing wrong imho.

LegacyUser

Obviously you and your girlf are really upset but why are you really angry?
Because someone else had their way with her?
Because she didn't tell you?
You guys had broken up. You both sound young. Move on, do the youth thing, live your lives.
And always wear a condom!

cajun_tiger

i know what your going through simply because i was in her situation a while back...

JohnCleary

Am I also missing something here?

You brkoe up with her. While ye were NOT GOING OUT she shagged someone else. Ye get back together, she has the honesty to tell you what she got upto while ye were BROKEN UP...

Get a clue you idiot.

tinkerbell

As everyone else has said - YOU BROKE UP WITH HER!!

She slept with that guy while you were BROKEN UP, you weren't even on a break! Get a grip on yourself. You said yourself that she was devastated you broke it off with her and like Beru said - she as on the rebound.

seamus

Her timing was bad certainly, and it probably makes you feel like ****, but hey, you weren't going out at the time.

Your trust hasn't been broken at all. What I think is broken is your image of her. The girl you thought of as your special little princess who's not like other girls and who's careful about who she picks is ruined. Trust me, I've been there.

All women are still human. Given more time, you probably would have had a one-night stand you regretted. There is no such thing as a single woman or man who won't have a one-night stand. Particularly moreso people who are freshly out of relationships.

She's done nothing wrong. Get over it.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

i'm with rachel on this one!

Invader Zim

Yep - your fault.

Bri

I'd actually say BOTH your faults. You broke up with her knowing that that meant cutting lose any claim of exclusivity between the two of you, and she gets an F for failing to tell you she shagged him before getting back together. I wouldn't care if she found it hard to say - it's bad form not being upfront before getting back together.

But then again I've no idea how much thought you two put into getting back together.

chump

Bad luck, before you decided to break up with her you should have realised, hell if I change my mind in a week/month and she got jiggy with someone in the meantime, would it hurt me?

Nobody likes the thought of their ex, never mind their got-back-together-ex having slept with someone else, but unfortunately as much as you naturally feel hurt, you really just have to suck it up and take it on the chin. You cannot, and must not keep on at her about it. You're just hurting her by doing that. You'll get over it eventually...

BaZmO*

seamus wrote:

All women are still human.

That's a fallacy!!

Bri wrote:

and she gets an F for failing to tell you she shagged him before getting back together

What planet are you on?? She gets an F for not telling him that she was with someone else before they got back together after he uncerimoniously dumped her because it wasn't working out "on his end"??? Get a grip FFS.

She done nothing wrong and he's just acting like a spoiled baby!!

B.

Invader Zim

Bri wrote:

and she gets an F for failing to tell you she shagged him before getting back together.

You tell every girlfriend about every other girl you shagged prevoiusly?!?

Beruthiel

Bri wrote:

Iand she gets an F for failing to tell you she shagged him before getting back together

Nope
don't agree with that
what she does while she is single is her own business

Bri

Ah I knew that would get picked up. I'm not trying to take away from the "you got what you chose" routine. But in my opinion, and it is just mine, anyone who doesn't face their fears and inform their other half of potentially relationship breaking information before they get back together deserves blame also. And yes I think it's significant because she not only slept with the guy but did it twice. That sorta info. would seriously affect me anyway.

As I said I've no idea how mature they were about talking before they got back together.

Bri

Invader Zim wrote:

You tell every girlfriend about every other girl you shagged prevoiusly?!?

That's completely missing the point.

I most definatley would tell them in a frank and mature discussion if we broke up relatively recently and then were getting back together, if it had been a long-termer anyway. I'd pride myself on having the balls and the morals. It may not strictly be compulsory to tell the other half but it's not a very good or honest start if your not able to talk about these kinda things.
What so you wouldn't bring it up? I'd even offer get an STD test if I was getting back together for the long-haul.

Maybe it's just me.

b3t4

Please get off your high horse, ooooo.

You broke it off with her and in that same instance left her "devastated". I'd be asking myself how this girl can trust you if you can decide to just up and leave when you feel like it and then expect her to wait around while she changes into the more "mature" version you're looking for and then you get back with her. Very manipulative behaviour in my opinion.

My advice would be for you to break up with her but this time to stay away from her and let her get over you. From my reading of your post I can't see that you love her.

Have you once thought about things from her side. Your post is all about you, you, you. You don't even have the time to take into account of how upset she is about this whole thing (when she shouldn't be) merely saying that she "starts balling", very understanding I must say.

A.

LegacyUser

What i m sayin is that she could have picked a better time to tell me!!!!
I m not sayin she has anything to regret or feel guilty for, i m sayin her timing sucked as everything was goin perfect!!

Now the reason i m so angry is the simple fact that i cant get the picture of the two of shagging!!! Its just something i never thought she would do and brings the question do i really know her is all!!

I ll guess i ll just have to see

Thank you all for your great help, i think ye should sit back before you reply to see if your actually offering advice or just 'i m better than this person'

BaZmO*

Bri wrote:

And yes I think it's significant because she not only slept with the guy but did it twice.

What has the amount of times that he has slept with someone got to do with it?

Bri wrote:

That sorta info. would seriously affect me anyway.

Well that's more a reflection of your insecurity rather than a reflection of her wrong doing.

At the end of the the day, the original poster thought he had control of a situation that he wasn't particulary happy with so "he" decided to put an end to it causing his partner at the time a lot of anguish. Then he had a change of heart and asked her back and was shocked to find out that she actually had a life without him....Shock, Horror!!!
And to make it worst he felt threatened and insecure about such a minor detail as the other guy having a car and him not having one himself.
The way I see it he is being very hypocritical calling her a girl rather a woman when he is quite obviously acting like a boy and not a man!!

B.

pickarooney

Yeah, what exactly is the significance of the car? Why does the trivial detail of how he brought her home warrant three exclamation marks?

oooooo wrote:

But it continues, i remember her tellin me that this guy was goin around sayin that they had and how hurt she was!!!!

When did she tell you this? I can understand you being pissed off that she claimed this was a lie and then admitted it. But that's about all I can understand.

Now goes with out sayin i m pissed, relly ****ing pissed!! I know i ended it but i didnt go sticking my cock in some slapper and i certainly wouldnt have blurted it out on that weekend!

So when you broke up with her were you
a) messing with her head, intending to graciously back later
b) pledging a life of celibacy
c) a fücking hypocrite ?

So you tell her how much you trust her and then can't deal with/abhor her honesty. Looks like a vote for c)

If this was bad timing in your book, when is a good time?

Ach, you're probably just annoyed and irrational. I'm sure you'd make more sense under more normal circumstances.

Bri

BaZmO* wrote:

What has the amount of times that he has slept with someone got to do with it?

Well I guess I subscribe to the inevitible truth that the majority of us will rebound but I find going back for more a bit more...erm...of a statement.

BaZmO* wrote:

Well that's more a reflection of your insecurity rather than a reflection of her wrong doing.

Fair enough your probably quite right. Still doesn't change my point of view. Insecure or not I think I'd reassess my ex. depending on her actions when not going out with me if I was to consider getting back together.

BaZmO* wrote:

The way I see it he is being very hypocritical calling her a girl rather a woman when he is quite obviously acting like a boy and not a man!!

Well put.

I'll probably get slated for this again by hey!

Beruthiel

ooooo wrote:

Now the reason i m so angry is the simple fact that i cant get the picture of the two of shagging!!!

well get over it, did you expect her to lay down and die?

Its just something i never thought she would do and brings the question do i really know her is all!!

None of us know anyone 100% we may guess right 90% of the time due to familiarity, but to say we know for sure is unrealistic and how boring would that be anyway?
How is it possible that you could predict how she would react under pain and on the rebound? you just made a guess, you were wrong
chalk it down for next time.

the_syco

Just a thought;

You say to her you trust her.

She says the same to you, and confides in you what she did. Could be guilt, but god knows, it could be that she loves you, and wants to be honest with you, and let you know, rather than letting him telling you himself what he did with your gf.

And then she see's something in your eyes. And she burst into tears. Something subconsious may have happened, and your face may have clenched. Now she don't want to discuss the subject, as she fears she may lose you over it.

I think ye should sit down, and if she cries, let her. Let it all out, and then talk to her.

Oh, and about the shag; don't say that you weren't looking for some action when you were single, because you were. And so was she. This is what being single is all about.

Canis Lupus

oooooo..... you were split up at the time.... quit your whining, u can't change what happened and had u not split up with her in the first place it might never have happened eh? lol maybe u should be pissed off with yurself instead of her. Or to stir the **** did u ask if he was better in bed than u... Did u ask her that...

gom

ooooooooooooo (Bear with me some)

Your argument on timing is a pretty poor one. Your gf(if she is still your gf - knowing your attitude) does feel GUILTY about what she did with some bloke when you broke up with her. Otherwise she would never have told you at that moment. She wanted to tell you then because she needed to talk to you about it. She hoped that she could trust you and that in some way you could forgive her(even though she did nothing at all wrong(not even the timing)).

The human mind is a funny thing. Feeling guilty for something that isn't at all wrong and perfectly ok happens frequently. She obviously cares alot about you and trusted you up until you went nuts. She felt she could tell you everything and you blow it!

My advice to you is to talk to her about the way you reacted and explain to her that you aren't as able to deal with it as you would have tought(thinking your all superior and mature and all). Don't rap on about timing as in my opinion when else is a better time? e.g. Shopping for cloths for your new born? Just after you propose? On her death-bed?
She waited a long time to tell you because she was worried she you would go NUTS as you did. She waited until she beliefed you woudl stay no matter what. She knew it would be difficult and painful but she didn't expect you to blame her for anything. She just needed you to know. Thats all...


oooooo

I was in a relationship for 2 years with my girl-friend. We had a long, intense and fun time together. SHe broke it off with me over several things and the way I was behaving at the time. A week later she shacks up with a good friend of mine and I don't know what to do.
We did communicate for a long period and I had a few relationships and she had a few(namely with other friends of mine). I was pretty pissed that she was going out with my friends as I would be at parties and she would be their with them and we wouldn't talk and they would be all couply and what not. It drove me round the bend. But after a while we started talking again and got back together(2 years later). I had much knowledge of the fact she had slept with 2-4 of my friends and whomever else. She made a point of telling me that we could talk about it whenever and if ever I wanted to. We did a bit but I never really felt the need as I went through that mind-fcuk while we were apart(I still cared for her). We are happily together now for 3 years..


I know where you are coming from and in my opinion your girl-friend didn't trust you for a while when you got back together. That is why she didn't tell you until much much later. She felt the time was right. How would you know when it is right as you had no knowledge of what she wanted to say or when???

Trust is everything and the truth is hard. Grow up

cajun_tiger

ooooo you sound like an x of mine who's a compleet a$$
please dont make the mistake he did get over and get on

Canis Lupus

cajun_tiger wrote:

get over and get on

Must.......not.......make.......dirty......joke.........!!!!!

cajun_tiger

i ment it that way to you know wink wink

logic1

What kind of car was it?

.logic.

uberwolf

I reckon you're entitled to feel messed up over it. Not because you have her to blame for anything but because you may not be going out with exactly who you thought you were. I don't think I could get over it in the case of my current GF and I guess that would be my loss ultimately and I can't say for definite cos I'm not their. But noone can criticise you for the criteria you need to have in place.

BolBill

Yeah what about the f-ing car maaaaan !!!!!!!

cajun_tiger

even being a girl it would all come down to the car.....




why dont you have one???

Beruthiel

lets keep it on topic shall we folks?
B

WhiteWashMan

cajun_tiger wrote:

even being a girl it would all come down to the car.....




why dont you have one???

NOT SO!

he may have just had a bigger cóck than the original poster and she was desperate to be stretched.

but if this was the case, and he had a great car, im not sure why she went back with the poster in the first place to be honest.

but it is really none of his business who she did and when she did them when they were not together. regardless of the timing of the telling. i mean, orginal poster, when exactly would have been a good time?

perhaps just when you got back together, she should have said

'hey babe, by the way, i hope you dont mind, but i met this guy, and he fúcked me reall good. so good in fact, that i went back for seconds. man, i miss his cóck'

or maybe she should just have told you when she felt the time was right.
it seems that the immature one is not the girl here.


of course, he dumped her, so who knows. maybe she was too tight*







*yeah right!

Canis Lupus

WWM: comedy gold. +++++rep for that

Lioness

Beruthiel wrote:

she was most likely very upset when you finished with her, so she slept with some random bloke - they do say in order to get over someone you should get under someone else.
maybe because of you she wasn't thinking straight, either way, you have no right whatsoever to give her a hard time over this, she probably regrets what she did, but so what? we all do things we regret.

I don't agree. He has every right to give a damn about it. they were going out nearly a YEAR. He broke it off. She sleeps with some guy TWICE straight after and she doesn't care if he goes spouting off about it to her boyf. It just shows she didnt give a sh!t about the relationship. slUt...
what a society we live in. tut tut

koneko

Lioness wrote:

It just shows she didnt give a sh!t about the relationship. slUt...
what a society we live in. tut tut

'

Are you trolling? Seriously? No reasonable person would make a post like that so I can only presume you're trolling.
She doesn't care about the relationship, despite the fact that HE IS THE ONE THAT BROKE UP WITH HER?

seamus

Actually, the real problem here is that most women don't have a real problem with the fact that their man has been with someone else before them, but most men like to think that there was never anyone else but them. Women then happily say, "I did X, Y & Z with A, B & C", because it doesn't seem such a big deal, but men are still immature little children at heart, and we don't like being told that someone else has played with our toys.

Beruthiel

Lioness wrote:

she doesn't care if he goes spouting off about it to her boyf. It just shows she didnt give a sh!t about the relationship

the relationship was over

slUt...

are you 65 years of age?

uberwolf

seamus wrote:

and we don't like being told that someone else has played with our toys.

LOL, it's true though. I'd like to be the bigger man but I wouldn't like it and it would affect how I viewed someone.

Lioness

koneko wrote:

Are you trolling? Seriously? No reasonable person would make a post like that so I can only presume you're trolling.

Thats my opinion. I dont agree with you so you assume I'm trolling. Now, that is unreasonable!

koneko wrote:

She doesn't care about the relationship, despite the fact that HE IS THE ONE THAT BROKE UP WITH HER?

Dont you think its just a bit hasty that she suddenly leaps into bed with some random stranger TWICE straight after they broke up, after going out a year.?! This ain't no 1 night stand here...

seamus

Lioness wrote:

Dont you think its just a bit hasty that she suddenly leaps into bed with some random stranger TWICE straight after they broke up, after going out a year.?! This ain't no 1 night stand here...

Not really. I'd say it's normal. If it was twice, twas probably some guy she'd known a bit, and once she came back on the market, he got in there, and she was well open to a bit of affection. Breakups have the effect of making someone crave attention from any member of the opposite sex. That's what "on the rebound" refers to.

The Corinthian

ooooo wrote:

What i m sayin is that she could have picked a better time to tell me!!!!
I m not sayin she has anything to regret or feel guilty for, i m sayin her timing sucked as everything was goin perfect!!

Do grow up. That's helpful advice. Seriously.

seamus wrote:

Actually, the real problem here is that most women don't have a real problem with the fact that their man has been with someone else before them, but most men like to think that there was never anyone else but them.

That's not actually true, TBH.

Beruthiel

Lioness wrote:

Dont you think its just a bit hasty that she suddenly leaps into bed with some random stranger TWICE straight after they broke up...

so what if she did?

koneko

Lioness wrote:

Thats my opinion.

Then come and join the 21st century with the rest of us.

Dont you think its just a bit hasty that she suddenly leaps into bed with some random stranger TWICE straight after they broke up, after going out a year.?! This ain't no 1 night stand here...

No. They broke up. You know what people do when they break up? They get on with their lives and see other people. Was she supposed to sit by, wait 6 months and see if he wants to get back together? I'll put this in bold just to make things extra clear. He broke up with her. It's reasonable to assume that if he BROKE UP WITH HER, he didn't want to date her anymore. Why shouldn't she start seeing other people?

cajun_tiger

lioness this is for you

seamus

The Corinthian wrote:

That's not actually true, TBH.

OK. It's not the best way to phrase it. It will bother women, but they're much better at accepting it, and are "willing" to talk about it. Men will kick their toys across the room, go and play some computer games, and change the subject if she brings up her past deeds.

The desire to believe they were the only one, rapidly leaves with age, as the liklihood of finding unspoiled territory diminishes

cajun_tiger

but she was dumped and how do we know he was a stranger!!!

my x's didn't know every man i knew

The Corinthian

Lioness wrote:

for 5 minutes...

How do you know that?

No, I just don't believe in sh@gging some random guy for the sake of it.

How do you know he was some random guy or that it was simply for the sake of it?

I have morals.

Issues. You have issues.