Dear neuro...

neuro-praxis

After a painful rejection as a moderator in the Personal Issues forum (so what if I didn't apply to be mod? I wasn't approached and that's REJECTION IN MY BOOK) I felt that it would be wrong of me to deprive the inhabitants of the Cuckoo's Nest of my alarming agony aunt giftings.

Post your problems. I will post solutions. We will all be happier.

With my history of mental ill-health and so on, I am certain I have the power to fix you.

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

Jim

I've got a Pringles Tube stuck up my ass.

Lub?

sanncoo

I can plait my nasal hair!

Zombienosh

a woodland troll ran off with my wife in the middle of the night.......
......
im afraid he might try to give her back :eek:

smoke.me.a.kipper

i have 2 lumps on my head from falling after leaving the boards beer. any ideas what i can do about the pain?

neuro-praxis

Dear Jim,

If you push the pringles tube just as far as it can go, it will eventually dissolve and come out through your nostrils in the form of fromage frais while you sleep. Good luck.

Dear Sancoo,

Some people are fat, some are thin. And some can plait their nasal hair and some can't. I think this may be one problem you simply have to live with.

Alternatively, you can plait bits of the hair from your head and sellotape them into your nostrils for a similar effect.

For emotional support with this problem, ring 999 and insist on having a paramedic come round.

koneko

I want to moderate people IRL but they won't let me. Sometimes I walk over to people mid-conversation and tell them they're crap and say "THIS CONVERSATION IS LOCKED!" but they just keep talking

What should I do to make them respect my authority?

MistressPandora

I concussed a squirrel once. Did it laugh long and hard when I nearly concussed myself off a metal ladder while sneezing one day?

neuro-praxis

Dear AlocholicA,

Your wife left you for a troll because you drink beer smoothies for breakfast and then slap her about the place. The troll deserves her.

Dear SMAK,

Cut the lumps off with a bread knife. That should relieve the pain, as the source of pain will no longer be there.

pickarooney

koneko wrote:

I want to moderate people IRL but they won't let me. Sometimes I walk over to people mid-conversation and tell them they're crap and say "THIS CONVERSATION IS LOCKED!" but they just keep talking

What should I do to make them respect my authority?

Kick them in the neuuts?

SantaHoe

modding = work
work != fun

If you feel you need to 'give something back' so badly, why don't you post "LOL" to every thread in the Humour forum since January 1st 2004... so many crap jokes, I'm sure their posters would appreciate a sympathy lol.
Or if you feel like your e-penis isn't big enough, try the above suggestion to increase your post-count by a few thousand... it'll surely give you the respect you deserve.
Or you can join the truly enlightened and realise that boards is the enemy and that you need to fight the power... you could be their leader.

neuro-praxis

Koneko,

As we have learned in Ireland over the course of "the trubbles", the only way to make people listen to you is to be a VIOLENT FUC|<ER. My suggestion is that you have your hands amputated and have hooks put there instead.You can use these hooks to slash the faces of those engaged in ANARCHISTIC CONVERSATIONS thus shutting them up for ages. Result: all conversations are locked when you approach. Good luck.


Speaking of nuts:

Mistress Pandora,

Coat all nuts in your locality with Jeyes Fluid and Domestos and before long none of the squirrells will be laughing at all: they will in fact, be crying, at the funerals of their dead squirrell husbands.

neuro-praxis

SantaHoe wrote:

modding = work
work != fun

If you feel you need to 'give something back' so badly, why don't you post "LOL" to every thread in the Humour forum since January 1st 2004... so many crap jokes, I'm sure their posters would appreciate a sympathy lol.
Or if you feel like your e-penis isn't big enough, try the above suggestion to increase your post-count by a few thousand... it'll surely give you the respect you deserve.
Or you can join the truly enlightened and realise that boards is the enemy and that you need to fight the power... you could be their leader.

This is not a problem.

Banned from this forum for 13 months.

PH01

Jimeatsmenu wrote:

I've got a Pringles Tube stuck up my ass.

Lub?

Haydude! Don't fret, you're not alone, though most people have packets of crisps stuck up their arses! Your Pringles issue is unique but you will find that once you talk to someone you trust you will learn to live with your problem.
Don't give up - there's light at the end of the tunnel.

MistressPandora

neuro-praxis wrote:

Coat all nuts in your locality with Jeyes Fluid and Domestos and before long none of the squirrells will be laughing at all: they will in fact, be crying, at the funerals of their dead squirrell husbands.

Huh. For some reason, I can see that image so vividly. Little squirrel widows with black veils, holding hankies and babbies.
Man, squirrels are going to use acorn grenades to bomb my grave when I'm dead.
But I'll do it!

koneko

Yeah santahoe I'm inclined to ban you for that tbh.

Thanks neuro! I'll take up that suggestion and will update you from prison.

smoke.me.a.kipper

neuro-praxis wrote:

Dear SMAK,

Cut the lumps off with a bread knife. That should relieve the pain, as the source of pain will no longer be there.

but what about my hair?

pickarooney

Surgeon general's warning: please learn the intricacies of wiping before attempting to become stocious with hook-hands.

amp

neuro-praxis wrote:

After a painful rejection as a moderator in the Personal Issues forum (so what if I didn't apply to be mod? I wasn't approached and that's REJECTION IN MY BOOK) I felt that it would be wrong of me to deprive the inhabitants of the Cuckoo's Nest of my alarming agony aunt giftings.

Post your problems. I will post solutions. We will all be happier.

With my history of mental ill-health and so on, I am certain I have the power to fix you.

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

Hi I'm hopelessly brainwashed by religion. How do I escape this madness?

neuro-praxis

Dear neuro,

I seem to have some sort of personality disorder, but I can't put my finger on it. This would be partially down to the sad fact that I misplaced my fingers several months ago in a tragic thieving accident.

Also, my mother never hugged me as a child and I'm pregnant for the sixth time in two weeks.

Help?

neuro-praxis

Dear Pam,

If you were brainwashed by religion you wouldn't know that you were brainwashed by religion. (Take me for example! I haven't a clue!) Thus your "problem" is a moot point.

Keep making the digs if they make you feel good! In fact here - have my spade!

neuro-praxis

SMAK - it's ok, your hair won't feel a thing!

PH01

Dear Neuro,
I feel guilty about eating just a bag of crisps and a Twix bar for lunch. What wrong with me?

Yours,
Faithfully Regards Sincerely
Dublin,
Ireland,
EU,
Earth.

amp

Dear Neuro,

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

Pam

neuro-praxis wrote:

Please note: any real problems will not be entertained. Real problems may be rolled up into a Pringles tube and eased up one's bottom.

seamus

I have a problem.

Quite often I use my respected position and wealth of knowledge to assert my superiority over others who don't deserve the abuse.

How can I fix it so I don't have to waste my time teaching these lowly maggots, and they automatically know their place?

koneko

pam wrote:

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

SHUT UP YOU! I told you not to speak

Jim

pam wrote:

Dear Neuro,

I am being opressed by women (seen and otherwise). How can I get out of this predictament?

Pam

Stop dressing as one.

neuro-praxis

Dear PH01,

You feel guilty because when you were a child your father associated twix bars and crisps with the worst kind of immorality, akin to murder. Thus, the only way forward is extensive games of Quasar in the Blanchardtown Shopping Centre, while stuffing yoru face to the point of morbidity with chocolate and crisps. And also Haribo jellies, them's nice.

Good luck, my friend.

Dear Pam,

If you can send me the phone numbers of the women oppressing you, I can give them a JOLLY GOOD TALKING TO in the form of my team of brutes. Alternatively, whenever a woman in your vicinty performs an oppressive act or makes an oppressive statement, you can respond by stripping naked, screaming

"I AM ME, I AM FREE!"

and releasing the ebola virus into their whipped, creamy cappuccinos.

Good luck.

sanncoo

neuro-praxis wrote:

Dear Sancoo,

Some people are fat, some are thin. And some can plait their nasal hair and some can't. I think this may be one problem you simply have to live with.

Alternatively, you can plait bits of the hair from your head and sellotape them into your nostrils for a similar effect.

For emotional support with this problem, ring 999 and insist on having a paramedic come round.

Neuro

Thanks! I've seen the light! I will cope with my gift. I have made an appointment to get my nasal hair highlighted next Sat.

How have I survived without your wisdom?

S

neuro-praxis

seamus wrote:

I have a problem.

Quite often I use my respected position and wealth of knowledge to assert my superiority over others who don't deserve the abuse.

How can I fix it so I don't have to waste my time teaching these lowly maggots, and they automatically know their place?

Dear Seamus,

When I read your problem, I felt a deep pain in my heart. Some of us are unfortunate enough to be born with the silver spade of authority in our gobs. What you need to remember is that THEY DO DESERVE THE ABUSE.

Each morning in from of the mirror I want you to chant

EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY I AM GETTING MORE AND MORE LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.

THEY DESERVE IT.

Step two, carry a whip. No words required.

Jim

And get yourself a hat.

neuro-praxis

Amen brother!

Gordon

What?

I am having an unfortunate habit of throwing my dirty laundry into my toilet instead of my top-loading washing machine situated next to my toilet.

koneko

a hat that says "OBEY ME"

preferably a fuzzy one

Jim

Moving on to koneko's issue....

amp

Wise words indeed Neuro. Remember Seamus, while this is a benovelent dictatorship, it's still a dictatorship. Mods will always be superior to mere users.

Also I found this note tucked under my..uh.. door...:


Dear Neuro,

I have another problem. I am outrageously attracted to a girl on the internet. She keeps rejecting my advances despite my witty intelligent banter and great dress sense. What can I do to woo her?

Anonymous

neuro-praxis

Gordon wrote:

What?

I am having an unfortunate habit of throwing my dirty laundry into my toilet instead of my top-loading washing machine situated next to my toilet.

This reveals a deep-rooted psychoses. Your clothes, which are a part of YOU, you seem to see, as equivalent to SH|T. This is bad news. Low self-esteem is often a cause of suicide. I hope I have given you enough hints.

koneko

Jimeatsmenu wrote:

Moving on to koneko's issue....

these arent the issues you're looking for

Gordon

neuro-praxis wrote:

This reveals a deep-rooted psychoses. Your clothes, which are a part of YOU, you seem to see, as equivalent to SH|T. This is bad news. Low self-esteem is often a cause of suicide. I hope I have given you enough hints.

You could be right, I do live near a road.

amp

Dear Neuro,

I have become obsessed with cataloguing my personal flaws and posting them here. What can I do to stop this?

Pam

PH01

koneko wrote:

these arent the issues you're looking for

That's denial - refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge) - assertion that an allegation is false - refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing.

neuro-praxis

pam wrote:

Dear neuro,

I have another problem. I am outrageously attracted to a girl on the internet. She keeps rejecting my advances despite my witty intelligent banter and great dress sense. What can I do to woo her?

Anonymous

Your poor friend.

I think that your friend is being rejected because he/she is grotesquely unattractive. Alternatively, the object of his/her affection may be suffering a mental illness. I can't see any other reasons for such bizarre rejections. In either case, it it best to leave sleeping dogs lie, and not be killing them, like in that odd book.

I recommend that your friend have some plastic surgery and buy some stabilising drugs for the girl, which he may slip into her beer at the next boards event.

LET THE LOVE BLOSSOM!

koneko

there's no such things as girls on the internet

except maybe those cam whores
but i have my doubts about them tbh!

PH01

pam wrote:

Dear Neuro,

I have become obsessed with cataloguing my personal flaws and posting them here. What can I do to stop this?

Pam

Me too Neuro, but I'm obsessed about reading them!

neuro-praxis

pam wrote:

Dear Neuro,

I have become obsessed with cataloguing my personal flaws and posting them here. What can I do to stop this?

Pam

Hrm. Shut up? Or staple your hands together. It can be done!

amp

neuro-praxis wrote:

Your poor friend.

I think that your friend is being rejected because he/she is grotesquely unattractive. Alternatively, the object of his/her affection may be suffering a mental illness. I can't see any other reasons for such bizarre rejections. In either case, it it best to leave sleeping dogs lie, and not be killing them, like in that odd book.

I recommend that your friend have some plastic surgery and buy some stabilising drugs for the girl, which he may slip into her beer at the next boards event.

LET THE LOVE BLOSSOM!

Thanks Neuro, my friend is ringing private clinics and chemists as I type!

neuro-praxis

koneko wrote:

there's no such things as girls on the internet

except maybe those cam whores
but i have my doubts about them tbh!

You are skating on thin ice, koneko.

One more post like this and I'll be sending you a nasty pm.

Unless, of course...it is a PROBLEM for you that there are no girls on the internet? If that is your problem, then I suggest that you kidnap a few of these female specimens and force them to type things on the internet while you hover nearby, your hooks trembling in anticipation.

neuro-praxis

PH01 wrote:

Me too Neuro, but I'm obsessed about reading them!

Rubbing chopped chilli peppers on the eyes should sort this one out!

koneko

i should... hook... myself...?

I give up
I'm beyond help. Please use this thread to better those souls that can be saved, like PH01. he clearly has many issues.

amp

koneko wrote:

there's no such things as girls on the internet

:eek:

Dear Neuro,

While posting on the interweb I discovered that I may have shagged (or have dreamed I have) women who only claimed to be women and were not in fact female. I don't think my ever stretching sexuality can deal with this anymore. What should I do?

Pam

neuro-praxis

Koneko:

NO NO NO.

Slash the girls that you kidnap with the hooks!

God, you're a bloody danger to yourself.