Sibling not helping out with sick parent...

flipflophead22

Basically one of my siblings has been slacking for some time now roughly 2 years with my mum and recently they were given news of demencia, i got pissed off that the rest of us have been doing the appointments for the last 1/2 years while they say back and never visited her or bothered to ask for updates on her. I had enough and called them out on it and the response was very meh…i have given them time to be allow them book time off for her next appointment which is a month away so plenty of notice. She will have a good few other apts coming up over the next few mths so basically told them to either step up or step aside. Really defensive reaction and blame game thing going on with them, i am at the stage where if they dont come back on this one i have decided i want them out of my life as she has been good to them throughout the years and they have never fallen out. I just think its so disrespectful and wrong.

Am i over reacting?

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058422276/sibling-not-helping-out-with-sick-parent

Not much you can do about it. Your sibling should help but it's not actually their responsibility so you can't make them. If it's too much for you might be time to consider selling your mothers assets and going for a nursing home.

Princess Calla

Unfortunately there's households up and down the country with this scenario playing out.

You've said your piece but I doubt things will change. They'll be the first one in the door for reading of the Will.

Have you any contact with a public health nurse ...they can sometimes offer really good advice on options available.

It's not easy but unfortunately there's no way to get a sibling to do their but, some people are born selfish and self serving.

billyhead

No offence OP but your sibling sounds like a right cnut. I bet when he/she was sick when they were young, your mother was rushing them to the doctor.

Flinty997

You can't make someone look after their parent. The reality is in many families some will step up, (they don't think twice). others won't step up in fact they run away and their true character will appear.

They'll all be back when the will is read. Sad but true.

flipflophead22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123737463#Comment_123737463

no offence taken, they are a **** you said it.

flipflophead22

I have given them til next month to see if they get on board otherwise im puting them out of my life, makes me sick someone can do that to a parent.

reactadabtc

I've seen it with my dads family and siblings. They all had reasons why they couldn't do it and someone else could. Disgraceful it was. Theres 10 of them. They were all happy to take their parents money and early inheritance 30 years ago to buy houses though. Not one of them had a mortgage.

whelan2

You're only annoying yourself over it. Just move on.

whippet

I went through this with four siblings and two elderly parents one with dementia and another with a long term illness. I was living closest (but not that close) and for 5 years I was the one who did all the heavy lifting - hospital appointments, doc appointments, prescriptions, shopping, fuel, household admin and daily calls in on my way home (out of the way) almost every day.

One sibling who lived in the other side of the country did her best but wasn't much use day to day and the other sibling who live relatively near only did stuff when told to and didn't have an excuse not to.

I had two other siblings living abroad who generally did nothing and never offered … visited once a year etc.

Myself and sister ended up shouldering everything for both funerals (fairly close together) … the others treated it like a wedding invitation - tell me when and where to show up and used it like a week's holiday back home with their kids.

When it came to sorting out the mess of probate (no wills, no power of attorney due to dementia) .. I was adamant I wasn't getting lumbered with all the work. but of course I did and three years later i'm still untangling a bit of a mess - nearly there. The siblings no better than to ask me how it is going as I would genuinely kill them.

The three years since they died the biggest burden was managing the empty property and land.

I have just resigned myself to the fact that my siblings are useless with matters like these and in time will regret their actions and decision. Friends and Family of my parents keep telling me that mam and dad were so grateful for what I did for them - so at least I know myself that I did the right thing.

In life some people can be jerks

Also don't discount that your sibling may have some issues in their own life which may be affecting their ability or willingness to get involved - I do have one brother who was dealing with some personal stuff at the time; some what a mitigating factor but in my books not an excuse

homewardbound11

this is quiet common and the outcome will be mostly a family of siblings divided after the death of the parent . That’s life i fortunately and usually they carry it to their death also. Remember , if you have children they too ate casualties in that they don’t get to know their aunties and uncles if it festers on .

Flinty997

You don't want any regrets for yourself in the future or your parents at this time so the best you can for the parents and stop worrying about siblings.

You can decide later how to go forward with the siblings. You might decide to have less time for them. But you can decide that then, not now.

billyhead

Really angers me reading this. You only have one set of parents and for a son or daughter to ignore them in their time of need is horrible thing to do. I hope it eats at their conscience whoever they do pass on. You need to cherish them while their alive. Life's very short and they won't be around forever. OP, All you can do is look after and love them and screw your sibling. I bet your sibling will be in like a vulture when the will is being read.

KaneToad

I think there is a lot of projecting going on with people's opinions here. They're imagining what they would do with their parent and assuming everyone else should feel the same way.

But life isn't that simple. Not all family relationships are the same.

OP should do what they feel is right for them & their parent. Let the siblings do likewise.

black & white

I’ve done some voluntary work for nearly 20 years within the community and at this stage have lost count of the amount of similar stories to this, some from the parents pov and others from children. In some cases other siblings rationalise it when 1 child lives close to the parents or isn’t working outside the home but the resentment is there and it’s real. IMO, some people are selfish arseholes and some are very decent. OP. I think things will continue as they are for as long as your parents need care. If you fall out with siblings, it probably won’t make you feel any better and may make life after your parents are gone more difficult. Best of luck whichever way you choose.

User567363

Sibling might be a narcissist, they are very common, they think everyone is here to help them, and they dont have to do anything

The line about them getting defensive and blaim game is another sign

They will never understand your point of view or feel they did anything wrong, but dont take it personally

Try not to have any dealings with them ever again, as you will always be worse off after

Flinty997

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123740147#Comment_123740147

I think the difference between having other commitments, or being unable to deal with the situation and bunking off is very very obvious.

I've lived through it a few times both with my own family and the other half.

Some siblings stepped up, some didn't. It was very obvious. Theres a point where you run out of excuses.

flipflophead22

Thanks for the comments and i have decided i have had my say now with them so they know and moving on myself, they are in the whats app group to which they didnt reply (second time) about looking to take half a day off for their apt next month. They clearly dont want to get involoved.Moving on now there will be no more said and as you say everyone does their own thing anyway. As someone said I will be the only one geting pissed off so thats line in the sand now, they have been called out and they know, up to themselves. Thanks for the feedback.

Flinty997

I remember having used all my holidays for one year and advances on next year's leave. To discover a single sibling with no kids or commitments had been forced to take holidays as they'd too many built up. They lived with the parent. I didn't.

foolhardy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123740129#Comment_123740129

Not all adult children experienced a good childhood at the hands of their parents. Maybe their conscience is very clear.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Thread closed.
Glad that it was helpful to you, OP. Thanks as always to all who took time to give advice.

Hilda