Is this just normal?

ShellsBells_144

Myself and my partner have been together 15 years. We have a house, 2 dogs and 2 kids. He is a fantastic person! One of the best people I know and we do have a lovely life together. We are a super team in almost every area.

I had been gently pushing to get married and last summer we got engaged. He’s not exactly the romantic kind so there was no proposal or anything and more of a business transaction which we both joke about.

We haven’t been intimate in 4 years. We are for the most part best mates who share bills. I put this down to being in the trenches with 2 young kids and stressful jobs but the truth is I don’t feel that way about him anymore and I don’t believe he does either! And the more I’m organising our wedding the more I’m thinking if I’m settling or whether this is just normal after 15 years?

Is this just how long term relationships go? If the love is gone do I walk away even with all we’ve built up together? Will I regret marrying him!

It even feels good to write this down because it’s been eating away at me while everyone is so excited we’re getting married but now im not!

Avatar in the Post

Can’t say if it’s normal or not.

Is there any suggestion that ye are likely to break up?

It would be kind of strange to go the route of a church, limo and inviting all your friends around a celebration of … your love.

For legal reasons a quiet civil marriage might suit.

How about marriage counselling, although that might raise issues currently suppressed.

I do think a physical relationship is important, but it may not be necessary for everyone.

DisgustedTunbridgeWells

For what's its worth my opinion would be that this is not how long term relationships go. Of course there are periods where one or both lose desire or motivation to be intimate especially when your children are young and you are both exhausted. 4 years is a long time though, I wonder if you have brought up the subject during that time or considered couples therapy. Might there be a medical reason ? If you are both happy to go forward knowing that intimacy is not going to be part of your future together then thats fine. However the fact that you are unsure and questioning makes me think you are not happy - but only you know the answer. Good luck

volchitsa

Do you think it’s an issue between you two, or a general loss of libido by (apparently) both of you?

If the former, isn’t there a huge risk that one or other will meet someone else who does do it for them, and that person won’t agree to remain just the bit on the side?

You don’t mention your age but being perimenopausal can mean that Iibido drops off a cliff. Although four years seems really long to me. Is it possible in your mind to get back to occasionally wanting and having sex? Or do you think that’s over for you?

There’s also the fact that your o/h seems to feel the same lack of desire. For a woman, if it’s related to menopause, HRT therapy will likely improve that somewhat but then you’re left with how he feels. Could he be having a physical problem that your lack of desire means he hasn’t had to be upfront about?

Short answer: people do vary, and I expect there are older couples for whom it’s the norm, but to me four years would be a problem for younger people.

lawred2

You haven't been intimate in 4 years?

That's an extremely long time for most healthy males. I can't imagine for a second that the man is truly happy. But maybe he's in an extremely small minority of men where that isn't a requirement.

He would be highly unusual were it not an issue for him.

Have you asked him if he's happy? Given he had to be pushed into an engagement - maybe he isn't.

ShellsBells_144

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123706804#Comment_123706804

to be honest he was never really the one who initiated anything, even at the very beginning! It was usually me. But then I stopped trying and so did he sometime around me being pregnant on my youngest. He’s a good bit older than me so I put it down to that. But I genuinely think it’s less a labido thing and more that we’ve grown apart.

We’ve definitely talked about it and he said he’s happy but agreed we need more time to ourselves cos we have mental jobs and young kids. But I agree 4 years is a long time.

and probably just to address other comments. I definitely didn’t force an engagement out of him. He would bring it up for years but never did anything about it - he’s quite passive in that way and last year I just asked what we were waiting for and he said the same! Hence the engagement.

Putting the intimacy issue aside I think I’m really unhappy but that feels stupid because he is literally the best guy. Everyone loves him and he’s a great Dad! I feel selfish to want something more and potentially break up my family for my own happiness.

Avatar in the Post

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123706860#Comment_123706860

In that case is there a possibility he is a gay man that wanted a family. Gay men didn’t just appear in the last 10 or so years, and a percentage of gay men married as it was the only option for a family. And you say he is a good bit older. Has he ever said X female was his type or was attractive?

lawred2

Sorry to read that. Sad and difficult situation. It reads to me that you're yearning for intimacy. And that's natural and understandable. I think you guys need a long and honest conversation. And that's never easy. Wish you the best.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123706860#Comment_123706860

He could literally be the best guy in the entire world, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's the best guy for you. Based on what you've said I thunk you'd be certifiable to get married. It sounds like you (plural, really) have both long moved past the idea of eachother as romantic partners and are purely platonic at this stage. It's very, very hard to come back from that. If you were both happy with the idea of a purely companionate marriage, I might just about be able to say "Well each to their own", but the fact that you're posting here really says to me that you're not happy with it.

Seriously, OP, don't do it. If you're finding it hard to imagine breaking up now, just think how impossible it will feel once you're married.

You don't have to split up right away - or even at all, necessarily - but press pause on the wedding plans and get yourselves into couples therapy to figure out what both of you actually want.

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like you are friends. Not a couple. That's ok. But if you want a relationship then you need to think long and hard if this is the one for you. You can have loads of friends to fill that need. But if you want a marriage, a relationship, intimacy and affection, closeness etc then you need someone that will fill that need and it doesn't seem like this man is that for you.

Don't settle. Life is incredibly long and it's a long time to settle for something when the potential for what you actually need is out there. Real life can be hard and marriage is not always like a romantic Hollywood love story. But there has to be something there. Something extra that sets you apart from just friends. If that's not there then don't get married. It won't end well for you.

Would you consider counselling, either separately or together before taking the step.

Edit: it's not selfish to want a bit of attention and affection and intimacy in your relationship. It's that affection and intimacy that makes it a relationship rather than a friendship.

Purple Mountain

When you get to middle age, you learn that life isn't black and white, that there's plenty of grey.

I now know there's a spectrum of relationships. People who are still so in love romantically and have active intimate lives and also those who are in love but they are quite happy to forego the intimate stuff for a plethora of reasons.

And both are OK and normal..but..only if both parties are content and accepting with how the relationship is.

Your issue is that this relationship is no longer acceptable to you. And that's OK. That is NOT selfish. You are entitled to feel desired, have your physical needs met.

I think if you don't at least address this elephant in the room and start to work towards figuring out if there could be a way back or if this is the end, you will soon start to resent your partner.

Address things now before the resentment festers.

Sleepy

Frankly, after 4 years of no intimacy, I'd be genuinely suicidal and marriage would be the last thing on my mind. Divorce/separation would be far more to the front of my mind though I know how scary the idea of those are for most people.

CPTM

It's so common I think. To be honest even with creativity I'm not sure how people doing the same thing with anyone can still be excited by it. Be it a job, a holiday, a hobbie, or sex. I understand non physical love because you're travelling through different chapters and challenges together and creating a better life which keeps you close in some ways. But the physical act of sex is a single thing with one person. Sure you can mix it up and try different things but surely after a few years you've mixed it up any which way? It's something I'm trying to learn about myself. Is it not like going to the most fun place on earth every week forever? Or your favourite restaurant every week for 20 years? How does it still remain exciting?

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058421565/is-this-just-normal

Not being intimate for four years and thinking of getting married….not sure this makes sense, really. I know there are children involved, but physical intimacy is a pretty pretty important aspect in any romantic relationship.

HildaOgdenx

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ElizaBennett

Don't even think about getting married as things stand. Because you have a family with him and a great relationship as friends I would say that couples counselling could be the way to go. It will allow you both the space to really think through what you want and articulate it for yourselves and each other. You sound like someone who wants love and romance and sex and fun - all that good stuff. And you should be allowed to have it. He'll still be a great Dad and that will be all the more important if you're no longer under the same roof in the future. But plan for that in the best way possible by involving a professional to help you express what you feel and make the best out of a sad situation. Good luck. You deserve to be happy.