16 year old son doesn't go out

sincar

My 16 year old has just finished his jr cert. Since summer of first year he seemed to drift from his friend group, stopped going out etc. Seems happy to go to school always but hardly ever goes out. Last summer went to gaeltacht for 3 weeks and I thought it would help him be more social but once he came home he was back in his room. I seem to be constantly nagging him trying to get him to meet friends etc which he might do once a week, then that's it for days again. He used to play xbox online and.chat to friends but that has even stopped now. Im not sure if it's laziness or social anxiety thats the issue but it's driving me mad and makes me feel so sad for him as he's missing out on his summer holidays. He's definitely shy and I'd say won't initiate meeting up but will go if asked. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Im at my wits end with him.

jamieon

Serious question, does he have a gaming console? If so, feck it out the window. I bet the problem will start to go away

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123573234#Comment_123573234

Genuine question, did you actually read the post?

sincar

He has an Xbox but he doesn't play it anymore, says there's no good games now. Obviously has a phone so is either glued to that or walks around the house kicking a rugby ball🤦‍♂️. I tried taking devices away in the past, it didn't work, he still moped around the house

jamieon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123573256#Comment_123573256

Jaysus I completely glossed over that part

jamieon

Interesting, could be something simple now like a girl etc, he wouldnt be talking to you about that but could explain it if hes down in himself.

Other than that maybe have a chat with him

dublin49

Parent of grown up boys myself and can understand your unease around what you are currently experiencing.As parents we just want to fix things and keep our lads on track and when we suspect they are slipping behind in any aspect of life we would do anything to fix it.Theres a myriad of reasons why a lad starts to withdraw and its much more prevalent than you might suspect.Nagging is probably a bit negative as if he has an issue being nagged will make him feel worse which you obviously dont want.Don't beat yourself up that you cant fix this as most of the time theres little a parent can do.But if his home is his sanctuary make him as happy as you can and build his self esteem whenever possible ,maybe back off for awhile and then encourage softly when you have him communiciating and at no stage make him feel he is deficient because he is staying in.

sincar

Thanks for that and it makes so much sense. Every day I tell myself ill say nothing, I won't nag, question etc, but then I do!! But ya, if he's feeling anxious about going out then me pushing him is probably making him feel worse. I just wish he would open up to me and maybe I could help

dublin49

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123573597#Comment_123573597

I hear you ,you want to do the right thing but are afraid you make things worse,Kids under 12 are so easy ,they tell you truthfully whats wrong with them,some lads struggle in school socially and bloom when they hit university or work,maybe offer him a few bob to do jobs you don't even need him to do,white lies are allowed,your back is acting up and is there any chance you can help me etc.Dogs are another great method to drag kids out of their room.

LukFwd

hi OP.
My 16yo son is exactly the same. Only difference being he just finished transition year because he started school early. Only turned 16 two weeks ago.
Anyway, last year after Junior Cert was exactly as you described. Went out to meet friends about 4 times over the summer holidays. Drove me insane, as like you I just feel he’s missing out. I asked him all the time why he wasn’t going out and he said nobody goes out, which of course isn’t true but certainly among his mates it seems to be the case. This year slightly better so far. I think TY matured him a bit. Still super low in confidence, particularly with adults.
I put my son’s issues down to low confidence, not measuring up to social media expectations (in his own head) and a fear of confrontation with other teen lads ( he’s very timid despite being 6 foot tall and about 80kg).
His long term group of friends are all going through that discovery phase of teenage years and drifting away from just being clones of each other. That’s definitely a contributing factor as he’s feeling a bit disjointed.
I’m really hoping he meets a girl or boy or whatever that he takes a shine to and gives him a reason to go out and more importantly to feel good about himself.

Best of luck with him, hopefully TY matures him a bit and he finds new interests that require leaving the house.

Mo Ghile Mear

This brings me back to a good many years ago when I had the same situation. It’s a real worry I know. The more you go on about it the more they withdraw 😕.

I did find that transition year made a difference, school becomes a more social experience and the group of friends (or lack of) gets more diverse.

A dog as someone suggested might be a good idea.

It’s a more common problem than you think so don’t beat yourself up over it. My crew turned out grand …eventually, and the college years more than made up for the shy mid teen stage 😆.

jackboy

At that age he should be working for the summer. Make him get a job, that will get him out.

Goldengirl

Agree with many of the comments here .

Mother to 4 lads all grown now but all different .

They all go through different social stages at different times . As others have said he may be at a different stage to his mates either emotionally or mentally and just need to find his own way . So he needs home to be his safe place .

Encourage him to chat and open up just by being around and enjoying your life together . As others have said encourage him to do some jobs around the house cooking and housework if possible, and get involved with hobbies that may interest him . He may prefer solitary stuff like woodwork , gardening or fishing for now or messing around with bikes , motors etc .

As long as he is relatively busy and you can keep the lines of communication open try not to worry too much . If he is comfortable to do so he will open up about what is going on . Or he may not and just move on to the next stage of his life and you will be none the wiser !

Try and enjoy having him around ..listen to music, go to films and concerts and go out for activities with him like swimming and hiking . Could you start him playing golf or tennis or some other activity that would not require him to go out with friends if he doesn't want you?

I sense he is not a problem gamer so maybe it would be no harm to help him save for a PlayStation and some more up to date games he can play with other young lads he knows online , within limits of course . It is only harmful if not monitored.

Could be he just likes being home and you are a good parent and fun to be around , so enjoy it while it lasts !

sincar

Thanks for your reply, it's good to know I'm not alone!! Hes old for finishing 3rd year, turned 16 in April. Hes a really good kid and has given us no trouble, has no interest in drinking or anything yet. I just wish he was going out, mixing with his peers and having fun. He seems to have 2 new friends that are into golf but he feels he's "no good" at it and they play it alot. Hes very difficult to motivate in general really.

sincar

Thank you! We have a dog and I do make him walk her at least once a day! But he won't venture too far with her! Ya, I'm hoping ty will be a good experience for him, although they say you get out of it what you put into it

Goldengirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123573957#Comment_123573957

Just needs to build up confidence a bit . Get him some lessons on the sly ;)

dublin49

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123573957#Comment_123573957

Kids make great progress at golf with lessons,its really hard to get the hang of it without the correct basics,maybe try get him to take a few lessons and he might change his attitude to it.

antimatterx

I was like this as a teen. I was shy, not very social and honestly happy to just be at home. It use to drive me up the wall when my parents mentioned me not going out. I started going out at 18, and I gradually grew out of the shyness.

Was I lazy and anxious? Yeah absolutely. However I didn't want to socialize and I look back and think that was OK.

I'd encourage him to join a gym tbh. It will do wonders for his confidence and is an activity he can do 5-6 times a week on his own. If he takes public transport there and back, that's easy 3 hours of the day spent.

sincar

I have suggested the gym but been shot down aswell!! Says he'll join eventually but doesn't want to eat healthily and thinks the 2 go hand in hand. I said it would be a good social outlet for him but he's not interested in that either

easygoing39

My nephew was like this,even worse actually and what got him out of his box was he took up boxing.Now he does'nt look like a boxer,or act like a thug,but its really changed him into a confident 18 year old.I could'nt believe I was looking at the same boy when my sister showed me video's of him sparring in the ring.Plus if some scum picks on him when he's in town he'll have a good chance of defending himself.

facehugger99

I think the Covid lockdowns played a role in the social anxiety that a lot of this generation of young kids are going through.

I’ve a 16 year old in a very similar situation OP.

I’m hoping TY will bring him out of his shell a bit.

I’d echo some of the great advice you’ve got here. Give him lots of love and support and maybe ease away from fretting and nagging too much.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123574538#Comment_123574538

At 16 he needs to be starting to live his life, not the live you want him to live. So is he lacking in the social skills and understanding or is he choose to limit his participation? There is a big difference, perhaps he just has not found "his people" yet.

I've got a grown up son, but probably a bigger influence on my prespective is that I have managed a lot of IT, Engineering & Math types over the years. And while some of them definately had a serious lack of social skills the majority were fully aware and capable of handling themselves in social situations, but deliberately decided to limit their participation. The challenge is to figure out if there is an issue that needs addressing or is he living the live he wants to live?

You have told us what he does not do, but what does he actually do? Is he just moping around benging on YT and Netflix or is he actively engaged in hobbies and pass times?

El Tarangu

Maybe offer to bring him and a pal to a driving range - I don't think a lack of ability will hamper him too much there. I'm useless at golf and had great craic the one time I went as a youngfella

alias no.9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123574592#Comment_123574592

We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the effects of lockdown on kids, similarly, I have a 15 year old who became very introverted through lockdowns. He does have a small but tight nit group of friends thankfully.

antimatterx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123574538#Comment_123574538

I'd push hard in this one. Yeah great diet helps with a great physique, but it's great to go and get stronger. He's a beginner, he'll be suprised how fast he'll get strong.

ax530

If he could get a summer job would be great help. Few hours or days even. I know near me festival weeks/weekends often work going for teens

sincar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123574425#Comment_123574425

He plays football during the term time but that's finished now. Other than that, no real hobbies. Im worn out suggesting he joins the gym, take up golf lessons etc. I'd literally do anything, throw money at it but he's very resistant. He seems happy in him self yet bored. He has always been shy and self conscious and liked to blend in with the group not stand out. Hes interested in his clothes and hair etc. Hes back buying lego lately and sorting out his room and shelves, not sure if its out of boredom or what. Hes going to stay with my parents this week I think probably to get away from the nagging!!

brokenbad

My recently turned 15 year old son has similar traits - he's happy in his own company. He's very shy and introverted, not sporty, has no friends and prefers to hang out at home. He used to play football and hurling but drifted away from both when he finished primary school. He's doing great academically - absolutely no complaints on that front - the teachers say he is a model pupil in school. He likes movies, listening to music, clothes and gadgets. I get frustrated seeing him lying on the bed with headphones in glued to the phone while the sun is shining outside…..he does like going to the cinema and concerts. I occasionally take him bowling, fishing, pitch and putt and out for a walk with the dog just to get him out of the house. He used to love going out for a cycle with me when he was younger but has lost interest in that also. We live out in the countryside so anywhere he wants to go we have to bring him by car and there are no young lads around where we live of similar age. I asked him about going back playing GAA but he said no. Maybe it's just that awkward teenage phase - i don't know. I do worry about him though and am considering getting him assessed as i suspect he suffers a bit from anxiety and may have a mild form of Autism…..

sincar

I feel your pain, it's so hard watching them hanging around doing nothing. I remember my own teen years not being that pleasant so I guess I may be projecting some of that on him too. Alot of it is probably personality, he's always been shy, found it hard to make friends etc

monkeyblues

it’s a difficult age, maybe if you know his plans after leaving cert might ease your mind.

BP_RS3813

To add on to what @Jim2007 said, he may very well be happy in his own company and just not interested in going outside/meeting new people.

Everyone finds a few really good close friends eventually when they get out their and find what they like doing.

I was the same OP, had my few (emphasis on just a few!) sporting friends but outside of training hours I didn't really interact with a lot of other kids. Just never liked them and wasn't interested in anything else. Still am to do this day - limit interactions where possible and only interested in one thing.

Trust me when I say, and excuse the following language but every time my parents tried to get me to go out and interact with kids I did not want to interact too, every activity I did not want to participate in, my thoughts were something along the lines of 'will they ever f*ck off nagging me and just leave me be, I just want to be alone and am happy the way I am'.

My parents loved me and I understand now where they were coming from however the constant pressure to go out and do something just made me angry at them, Especially at that age.

Not everyone is a social butterfly and wants interaction. Could be purposefully limiting the things he does/people he meets because he may not just be interested.

Now equally, you may be right and he may just be very nervous. Every parent worries for their child and rightfully so but he still has all of TY,5th and 6th year to grow. A few months of summer to himself just to allow him to breath and be happy in his safe place (his room/the house) is no harm either.

Hope that helps OP.