hit rock bottom

lost987

I'm 32 years old 33 next month Married and have a decent enough job.

But i feel like i'm going nowhere we had some issues with the landlord selling the house we were renting so had to move out

luckily my wife's father had a house we could take but it needed total renovations didn't even have a bathroom upstairs. our only option was to take out personal loans of about 100k due to covid and delays with the work it ended up costing more so hence having to take out extra loans to cover the work needed. which i have been paying back but have twice now ran into issues due to other costs that i have missed a payment to with i haven't been able to repay as of yet.

i did contact the bank beforehand asking for a payment break which was denied. i have kept the regular payments going but have been starting to spiral and struggle I have sold most of my personal items which i had xbox, pc etc. to just make it through the month. two of the loans should be cleared sometime next year so as my wife says only another year of struggling but it doesnt feel like that to me.

i dont really want to bring these feeling to my wife as it will only worry her more.

i'm at a point now where i just feel like an empty vessel i get up in the morning and go to work worrying if anything happens to my car or anything else i'm in big trouble. i have nothing left to sell. all my clothes are at least a number of years old shoes thankfully i can get through work.

i get paid monthly and i have €300 left to last the month already after bills etc. sitting here now fearing the cost of the weekly shop tomorrow. my wife is in a low enough paying job so struggles to contribute much to the household bills etc. but does cover a lot of the day to day. and the monthly contribution for the house to here father. we hope to be able to get a mortgage in a number of years

i'm struggling to manage the stress and have starting waking up during the night with after a google search appears to be panic attacks. and have started going bald.

i have turned alcohol as it seems to be my only method of relaxing on a daily basis i would say I'm drinking regularly 4 to 5 cans a night now with more at the weekend as the days are just so long i find myself just staring into space in the evenings.

i have thought about going to my gp for something to help with the stress but i'm afraid that the cost of any medication etc. i tried talking to the smartians but i found them to be of no help. as i dont have any ill thoughts i'm just stuck

i look around and see people who don't work a single day driving much newer cars than i have and are able to go away on holidays and here i am stuck with what feels like things are only getting worse as everything is costing more. i cant seem to catch any sort of a break yet there are people who sit around for most of the day appear to be having a great life. i cant get any single bit of help from the state as we both work and dont receive any social walfare payments.

looking back some of the choices we made in desperation to not have to try and move into with our parents may have been poor.

i just needed to put this out there as at the moment i dont have any decent form of living.

Dial Hard

You're in a ditch right now, OP, and when you're lying at the bottom, it's very difficult to see a way out.

The first thing I will say to you is: speak to your wife. You're supposed to be a partnership. Not telling her how you feel is incredibly unfair on both of you. If I thought my partner was struggling to the extent that you are, but was refusing to share that with me, I'd be both puzzled and hurt, but mostly just incredibly sad that he felt the need - for whatever reason - to suffer in silence.

The second thing I think you should do is speak to MABS. I know a couple of people who've turned to them over the years and the universal feedback has been that they were incredibly helpful, and in most cases, why on earth didn't we go to them sooner?

I wish you the very best of luck, it can be overwhelming feeling stuck in a never-ending cycle of struggle, but there is always help available. You just need to be willing to ask for it.

Idbatterim

Could you work more hours or try get a promotion? Work for cash etc ? Same with your wife ? I'd knock the drinking on the head if you could, getting out into nature is free and is great for the head... and yes, it's an odd country, many living better standard of living in this country, on welfare, than working...

Struggling like this on welfare? They'll give you extra payments to help !

For what it's worth op, I know many people in similar positions... but you have one massive plus ! You now have a house, no more being robbed on rent, assuming you have manageable rent. Others are stuck renting for disgusting sums with no way out.

You didn't have an a crystal ball. You did what probably was the right choice regardless, hindsight is a great thing…

Could you rent out a room in the house ? If so, might be worth considering to ease financial pressure, obviously it brings it's own issues too though...

KaneToad

In these scenarios it usually best to talk to someone who has seen this numerous times; GP, counsellor, MABs etc

We tend to think we are the only ones with these predicaments & try and tie it into our self worth. Blaming ourselves for our situation when external factors play a HUGE part in it. Professionals have seen it all before as your predicament is very common (unfortunately) and they can help.

I'm not a professional but, if my opinion is worth anything, I would urge you to knock the drinking on the head. Instead, put on headphones, find a podcast and go walking. You will improve your physical health, improve your sleeping & improve your mental health. It is not always a silver bullet to make all your problems disappear but it will make a positive change and, when you're feeling low any bit of positivity will be beneficial.

Don't worry about others and their seemingly "better" lifestyles. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors - some people may be more in debt than you, some people have family money, some people inherit money...who knows. Also be wary of comparing lifestyles via social media. The most positively skewed version of a person's life is the one that appears on social media!

Have a look at askaboutmoney.com for some practical ideas about how you might be able to make some changes to your financial situation. Some of the biggest costs that some folks have, that can be changed, are TV/internet packages & mobile phone packages.

Find joy in something everyday. Some time with your wife? A walk in the sun? A walk in the rain (very underrated!)? An entertaining TV programme? Some browsing on boards.ie?

You are not alone. Your situation is not unique. There are people that can and will help. As a stranger on the internet, I wish you well, as I'm sure many others do.

lost987

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123539800#Comment_123539800

Thanks you i actually feel much better having got this out there. i think my wife is in similar potion really that's why we haven't spoken about it as its kind of just understood if that makes sense and are just moving forward with the hope that it will ease sometime next year

i have thought about mabs but am worried that it would affect me later down the line if it need to get a loan etc. with a bank is this not the case? i though process is to suffer through with the hope of things going back to normal at some point

AnnieinDundrum

You’ve a lot going on.

Get help with the bits you can.
start off with MABs. You can’t see the wood for the trees but they will help.
ask the doc for help with the sleeping, self medicating with alcohol is a slippery slope.
Have you talked to your father in law and explained that the renovations cost more than you expected etc? Does he need the income from you?

Youve only a year more of struggling it seems, that’ll pass quickly. But maybe a break on the rent for the year might help.

And who owns the house? 100k is a lot to put into someone else’s house, if you FIL owns it then I hope you have a good relationship with him. Struggling to repay for work on his property and paying him rent doesn’t sound like the best deal to me.

there is a board which is great for financial advice, ask about money, maybe try there for specifics.

lost987

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123539821#Comment_123539821

cant work more hours as my company doesn't pay overtime only time in Lieu i have been thing about maybe applying for a second weekend job or try find somewhere looking for delivery guy

AnnieinDundrum

btw… how come you have a loan and not a mortgage? 100k plus the extra loans over 30 years would be a lot more manageable.

I guess it because your landlord owns it but looking at again.. you spent 100k+ and financed it with personal loans. I don’t think that was a sensible move and I’m puzzled as to how the bank allowed you to borrow so much without security. Plus you are paying rent while also paying for renovations.

that strikes me as an arrangement that needs review and perhaps refinancing. Anyone doing a self build would have a mortgage not a short loan. You reference much shorter time frames, covid.. 5 years ago?

DellyBelly

Not sure how a priest would be able to help with financial advise? But might help the OP with some spiritual help…although not sure that will get the bills paid

Kindlady

Hi OP,

I reinstated my account just to reply to you :)

Well done on your achievements so far - you've created a good relationship and a stable life for yourself - but please share your troubles with your wife! She is an adult also. You are in this together.

Don't beat yourself up about past decisions - that won't help in any way now. You made the right choices at the time.

If you're putting money into the house, can you ask your father in law for a rent break? This won't be a downfall in pride, as you're obviously spending money on the house.

I feel sorry for you that you've sold your Xbox and PC - these would have passed the time on the long weekends without spending anything extra. Can you get these again - maybe later models - as soon as you have some funds?

Ditch the daily alcohol - maybe have it as a weekend treat, Fri & Sat - so something to look forward to? But in general, it's costing you and your health, and won't help. Can you go for just a few drinks with friends or your wife?

You need to deal with the stress - walks are free, and can be a proper outing if you choose somewhere scenic/interesting, on your own or with wife/friend, and maybe grab a coffee after?

If at all possible, start a small savings account to alleviate the stress of car repairs or other emergency bills. Even the feeling of setting aside a little bit regularly will make you feel better.

Re the financial stuff: Please make an appointment with MABS - they've seen all of this before. Or even Citizens Information might point you in the right direction, if you encounter a helpful person there, but MABS is a more direct route.

You need actual professional advice here, such as MABS or a counsellor, as your thinking is probably so clouded by panic and despair, and a fresh head will see things that you can't see. You can't see the frame when you're in the picture :)

You need to earn a bit more or spend a bit less:

So, if you have spare time at weekends, could you take on a small extra job locally?

Or could you save on weekly shop, for example, with some savvy choices? Not being patronising here: Most of us waste a lot of money on food shopping (eg you can eat well with less meat and more beans/eggs etc for protein, and perhaps buy less ready meal type foods). Household items eg shampoo, dishwasher tabs are horrendously expensive in most supermarkets (go to cheaper Dealz type stores). Frugal shopping is an art, and can be satisfying - but you don't want to be penny pinching either, so just do what makes sense for you.

Finally, as your wife says, you DO have a struggle ahead - but it doesn't have to be as difficult as your current situation. Build in some little rewards for yourself along the way.

You will find that having an actual PLAN for a way forward will give you some hope, that you're not spiralling downwards. Best of luck :)

Editing to add: MABS is completely confidential - it won't impact a mortgage application at all. And even if any of your financial woes were known to the bank, they will be looking to see how you dealt with them eg you started a savings pattern, you were proactive in handling things honestly, you built up assets etc.

charlessmith22

Stop looking to numb your feelings with alcohol. It'll make you feel a million times worse. You're at alcoholic levels of consumption now and if you can't stop today then it's a severe addiction. Not to mention the money you're wasting on it. So either cut it out or get help with cutting it out. Don't seek further numbing by adding medication into the cocktail of **** you're consuming.

If you and your partner sit down and actually budget out the month you'll probably be amazed at things you can cut back on. Id advise getting a joined account if you haven't, and you'll get notifications of each others spends, adds a bit of accountability onto impulsive spends.

Replace alcohol with exercise and your anxiety will lessen significantly.

And stop trying to protect your partner. Do you not think she doesn't know and feel you're struggling? Of course she does so im not sure what you're trying to achieve by not letting yourself be vulnerable, apart from driving a wedge between the two of you.

homah_7ft

MABS may be able to guide you in restructuring your debt so you have less to pay per month. Imagine the relief you will feel when they help you find a way to make your debt more manageable.

28064212

i get paid monthly and i have €300 left to last the month already after bills etc. sitting here now fearing the cost of the weekly shop tomorrow

…

i would say I'm drinking regularly 4 to 5 cans a night now with more at the weekend

OP, do you not see a massive problem here? Even if you're getting your drinks at minimum unit price (cheapest possible), that's a minimum of €45 a week on nothing but alcohol. Over four weeks, that's more than half your monthly remaining amount. You need to cut back massively on that spending. If you find you're unable to cut back, you need to admit to yourself that this is the behaviour of an alcoholic and seek urgent help for that

Goldengirl

A lot of good advice here so won't repeat it . Especially in relation to alcohol, talking to wife and father in law. And 100% on MABS . Totally confidential .

Apply for SW supplement , medical card or GP visit card , anything you might be able to get that will help you financially.

There are grants available also for home improvements . Not sure if dereliction or vacancy grant might apply but look in to it.

Op many people go through this at some point in their lives . Black hole, black dog ,whatever for all sorts of reasons . Nobody will think worse of you for asking for help .

If you can't see out of it you need to talk to someone , if not your wife then your GP or a trusted friend or relative or even ring Samaritans . Very hard to see the wood for the trees when you are feeling like this .

enricoh

Are u 9-5 mon-fri? Can u do extra stuff at the weekend? Mind dogs when people are on hollyers, ad in the local centra. Clean up site for builders at the weekend, clean gutters.

Any amount of elderly people looking for small snags fixed n they no longer able n no hassle paying cash, forget deliveries- 101 at it. Cans only Fri n Saturday night. Best of luck

Idbatterim

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123539998#Comment_123539998

Yeah I know a few guys even on good incomes doing deliveries to be more comfortable. In fact, most people I know, are struggling on good incomes and will be struggling for possibly decades to come. At least next year, a good chunk of your pressure will have eased... also, have you put your names down on the social housing list?

The waking up at night. Balding , it's die to the situation. It's understandable. It's how you manage it. As suggested, try cutting grocery alcohol expenditure if possible and supplementing your income. Would you get another loan , to tide you over for the year, until the other loans are up , to ease the pressure ? Wouldn't be my first choice option, a year isn't a long time. But it's a bloody long time if you're feeling like you currently are...

wildwillow

I don't understand the situation with a rented house and a loan for improving it. Do you have any legal right to the house and can you recoup the cost of the work done. Surely you shouldn't be paying any rent if the owner is benefitting from the work done. Have you any type of legal agreement in place. What is to prevent the owner giving you notice and allowing another family member to move in and enjoy the fruit of your labours.

Get advice from MABS.

And definitely give up the drink. It is damaging financially and mentally.

Talk to your wife too and try to rectify the rental situation.

Rubberchikken

TThe House is owned by your father in law, correct me if I'm wrong, and you're putting money into it?

Will you both benefit from it in the long term?

As others said MABS is s good place to start and try to leave the cans in the shop.

Talk to your wife. She is probably worried as you but together you can bith cone out of this

Wishing you both the best..

JeffKenna

What's this contribution to the house that your wife is paying her father? Have you asked him for a break in it?

the_amazing_raisin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123539880#Comment_123539880

As someone who has deliberately not spoken about my problems with my wife, I can confirm that this view is BS

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the honest truth

You're both adults, you can sit down and talk about this without is turning into an argument. No-one wants to hear "we need to talk" from their partner, but it's much better to deal with your problems together and you'll feel better for it

You also need to quit the drink, now

Go pour all your cans down the sink and don't buy any more

Its making your problems worse not better and costing you money you can't really afford now

I think a lot of the other advice you've gotten so far is good, however on top of that I'd advise speaking to your father in law about the house

It sounds like you're effectively renting from him while paying for the upkeep of the house. I would suggest seeing if he was open to you buying the house with the price minus the money you've already put in (rent + loan value)

I understand it may not be the home you want long term but it'd be a secure home and a financial asset. The knowledge that no matter what happens you won't be made homeless is a huge benefit to mental health

You could propose that he let's you live there for free and in return you use the savings to pay off the loans faster and enable you to get a mortgage

Mo Ghile Mear

It’s a tough situation to be in but it will only get tougher if you don’t nip the alcohol habit asap. It’s damaging your health, your finances, and will damage your relationship before long too.
Are there any local sports clubs or similar that you could join? Many are free, and would benefit you physically, mentally, and emotionally . And as so many have already said… contact MABs.
Best of luck, there are many people like you out there in similar situations and they come out grand with a bit of support.

Pauliedragon

OP as mentioned above by several posters you need to get rid of the booze. I've had issues with it in the past. "A few cans I'll be grand It'll help me relax and I'll be fine tomorrow." It will affect your concentration the next day you'll be tired all the time and you need to be able to focus properly with the issue you have with your family. You mentioned the gp that's probably a good start. Best of luck to you.

Goodigal

Nothing much else to add, but stop drinking (the expense alone) and start talking. Firstly to your wife, and secondly to MABS. You're young, you've got a life ahead of you. It'll get better than this current phase.

Good luck.

JIdontknow

Speak to your wife, and throw the money for the few cans into a jar and everytime you throw the few euro into it think of it as a way of clearing the loans etc. sooner or even as a means to having a little treat be it a take away or dinner together etc. Distract yourself in the evenings, can you get involved in renovating the house for an hour or two in the evenings even cleaning up / painting / landscaping etc? Just to keep you occupied or go for a walk with your wife etc. Your wife is probably wondering about your behaviour without you knowing, so speak to her. Sit down together and come up with a plan, even a short term plan to get through the next 6-12 months to when things will be in a better place. It's a short term inconvenience but longer term you will hopefully have your own family home, etc. There is always help available, just reach out for it. Reaching out for some help or talking to someone is "not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength." Maybe talk to the father in law see if you can sort something out financially in the short term or have a few month break on paying him etc or see if you can work something out. Talking goes a long way here.

Akrasia

Hi OP. lots of good advice on this thread already, but I'd like to emphasize the importance of speaking to your wife.
Talk to her, let her in, let her help

Your relationship is the reason you're going through all of this pain. because you want a secure home for your family. But with this level of stress and unhappiness, there is always a risk that your marriage could suffer, and the last thing you want is to solve the financial crisis only to discover that it cost you your marriage.

Talk to her. Let her know how you are struggling, she will want to help, and if she is struggling too, she will want you to support her as well.

This is temporary. If you work together it can bring you together.

Please cut back on the drink. It will only divide you from your wife. Nobody wants to live with someone who is drunk every night. (or even if not 'drunk' but just 'merry' it is annoying to be the sober person talking to the drinker, and I'm guessing your wife isn't drinking every day herself)

airy fairy

Red flag, renting from inlaws while having 100k loans on refurb. You need to sort this out asap. Technically you're pouring money into a hole and your father in law benefits. You've no entitlement to a property which is being renovated by you. Sort this out. Suggest stopping the rent to him. You'll quickly know what the long term intentions are for the property.

The drink is costly. Eating into your allowance. It's a slippery slope. Go out and walk or do a run. Drinking cans every night is a one way road to disaster.