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Father Ted Werewolf 3 - Game Thread
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Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Sports Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 57,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭
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☘️ Craggy Island Chronicle ☘️
Serving the Parochial Community Since 1995🗞️ Morning Edition – Day 4 – Werewolf Watch Special
VILLAGE BODYGUARD MURDERED IN BRUTAL TEA-TRAY AMBUSH
“That’s mad, Ted” – Shock as @Frank WW slain by remaining wolves
Craggy Island was rocked last night as beloved tea fanatic and part-time bodyguard Mrs Doyle was discovered brutally slain in what investigators are calling “the most blood-soaked sugar bowl incident in diocesan history.”
According to initial reports from the late Father Ted (former village Seer, currently unavailable for comment due to being dead), the heinous act was carried out by the two remaining lycanthropic fiends: Father Dick Byrne, long-time rival of Ted who convinced the housekeeper not to protect her selected target last night, and his accomplice in both charm and crime, Pat Mustard, former milkman and serial seducer.
Eyewitnesses say Mrs Doyle had just finished brewing her 47th pot of tea when she was set upon. “She didn’t stand a chance,” said one villager. “They offered her decaf and then just ate her whole head… she never saw it coming.”
This marks the third confirmed kill by the wolf faction, following the violent demises of:
- Father Jack Hackett, the village’s Shaman who drank his own tonics and gained powers from them,, last seen raving about “DRINK!” before being silenced permanently. Allegedly, at least.
- Father Ted Crilly, the Seer whose second sight couldn’t save him from a particularly bishop-induced end.
- And Father Fintan Stack, a wolf in priest’s clothing, who was lynched after playing jungle music at 4 a.m. and generally being “just the worst.”
The only known villagers left standing are:
- Father Dougal McGuire, a vigilante with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer made of marshmallows.
- Bishop Brennan, somehow still alive, likely thanks to divine oversight and his ability to avoid eye contact.
The remaining survivors, true identities unknown as of yet, are:
- Ewan, Holly, Jake, Patrick, Phil, Regan, and Winifred – all marked WW, which authorities now suspect stands not for “Wonderful Worshippers” but rather Werewolf.
“Sure isn’t that just typical,” muttered Bishop Brennan when pressed for comment. “I go one week without exiling someone and now I’m surrounded by werewolves. Fecking marvellous.”
The village is on high alert. With Mrs Doyle gone, there’s no one left to protect the vulnerable or serve hot beverages. The vigilante, Dougal, remains armed and extremely confused. It is hoped he doesn’t shoot himself in the foot. Again.
Will Bishop Brennan finally get kicked up the arse by karma and not just the seer? Will Dougal figure out which end of the silver stake goes in the werewolf? And will someone please check if Winifred’s still got that suspicious jar of jam?
Stay tuned for tonight’s lynching. Which is definitely not the last one, despite what our reporter stated last night. Because there’s two wolves still alive. But you already know that and read all of these articles, right? RIGHT? One thing is absolutely for sure — it’s not just the tea that’s gone cold.
The raffle will continue tonight. The prize? The Golden Cleric Award!
Chaos at the Craggy Island Annual Sheep Appreciation Festival: Father Dougal Declares War on Clouds
By Sister Mary Immaculata O'Brien, Staff Reporter
Craggy Island descended into mild chaos and general flavourful bewilderment yesterday after Father Dougal McGuire, assistant priest and amateur philosopher, mistakenly declared war on a large cumulus cloud during the opening ceremony of the Annual Sheep Appreciation Festival.
Witnesses say the trouble began when Bishop Brennan, who had been reluctantly coerced into officiating the event, left Dougal briefly in charge while he "nipped off to see if the tea tent had any of those fancy biscuits—ones with a bit of jam in 'em."
Within minutes, Dougal was atop a hay bale, passionately pointing skyward.
“They’re watching us, Len! The clouds! They’re floating spies! Just look at 'em... all floaty and suspicious!” he was heard yelling through a megaphone he’d borrowed from the Craggy Island Amateur Paranormal Society.
Locals report that following Dougal’s declaration, several confused sheep fled the field, a cheese wheel rolled into a ditch, and Mrs. Doyle was knocked over by a rogue tea trolley she claims “was definitely possessed.”
Brennan, returning with a half-eaten biscuit and a visible stress rash, attempted to calm the crowd but was forced to retreat after Dougal began distributing tin-foil hats and referring to himself as "General Nimbus, Cloud Commander."
Festival organizer Mrs. Oonagh McFadden said, “We’ve had a few hiccups over the years—like the time the Bishop got trapped in a giant papier-mâché sheep—but this is the first time we’ve declared war on the atmosphere.”
Authorities (i.e., Craggy Island’s lone part-time Garda, who also runs the post office) have declared the situation "contained," although several cows are still refusing to return to their fields until "the skies look less judgmental."
In an official statement this morning, Bishop Brennan simply muttered, “I told him not to mix sugar with fizzy drinks, and stop calling me Len, you little bollocks,” before retreating behind the parochial house sofa.
The cloud in question has yet to comment.
Other Headlines:
- Mrs. Doyle Discovers New Biscuit—Immediately Declares It 'Too Tempting for Mortal Tongues'
- Father Jack's Corpse Accidentally Baptized in Beer Vat, Declared 'Miraculous Event' by Visiting Monks
- Craggy Island Eurovision Entry Disqualified for Overuse of Bodhrán and Livestock
Moderator: Current Affairs/IMHO, Soccer, Pro Wrestling, State Benefits
0 - Father Jack Hackett, the village’s Shaman who drank his own tonics and gained powers from them,, last seen raving about “DRINK!” before being silenced permanently. Allegedly, at least.
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