Xmas Day access for single dad

dazzday

This is the 2nd xmas since separation - no legal separation agreement in place yet. I have the kids every 2nd weekend at the moment due to work, location etc…with plans to change hopefully in the future.

Last year i felt i was extra accommodating and allowed her to have the kids Xmas eve and all day xmas day, picking them up Stephens day for a few days. This year i have again been quite reasonable and have proposed that she has Xmas eve (ill have a few hours in the morning) and then ill pick them up at 12pm Xmas day so they can be with me for xmas dinner etc and i will have them Stephens Day. I am alone for xmas just as some additional info.

Below is her response:

"I have reviewed the Christmas proposal and there are just two things that require altering. I will meet you at 5pm on Christmas day with the kids in X. I have gotten a lot of advice on this and at this stage it’s best for the kids to stay at home for Christmas Day. I know it’s very difficult and I don’t want to upset you but it’s what the kids want and it is what is best for the kids, and they are the priority."

Should i push back on this? I think its unfair on the kids to have xmas starting in my house at 5pm and its a long day for me without them. Or do i just accept with the condition this will change for next year and i have them Xmas morning and get this into the separation agreement.

Dial Hard

How old are the kids?

Dumb Juan

Hi,

I think it is unfair and you should push back. Are you getting the kids for New's year eve? If not then it does not seem fair at all. If you don't look for what you want she won't give it to you next year either.

That is my opinion.

dazzday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122965936#Comment_122965936

3 and 5

dazzday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122966275#Comment_122966275

Thanks for the feedback. yes i agree its setting a precedent… my draft response below:

"On the xmas day alteration, im sorry X but I have to strongly disagree.

The best for the kids is to spend equal time with both parents during the holidays. This is a universal and research backed truth and I have had plenty of feedback from multiple people in this situation this is the case.

Last year I was extremely accommodating and gave up the both xmas eve and xmas day to accommodate your family's grief and because I thought it was best for the kids in getting used to the separation. It was extremely tough for me to miss those days, but I thought it was a gesture of good will and the right thing to do.

This year, again I feel I have been very accommodating, and as much as I want my children for xmas morning this year, I know how important xmas eve is to you so I was willing to give up this up again for another year. I decided not to fight on this, as much as I clearly expressed in mediation that I want to get to a stage where holidays are rotated. I felt my request this year was more than reasonable.

Having kids after 5pm is not a reasonable request. With the day that’s in in they will be wiped by the time they get to my house, will not be in the form they should be in and will only have a couple of hours before bed time.

They have clearly expressed to me they want a xmas day at my house, and they were eager to come to mine after lunch, cook a little dinner together and have our own mini version of xmas morning/day together. They have already planned this – not me.

This year the kids are more accustomed to the separation and are best served by splitting the day equally, 5 pm change over on a holiday is not best for them. If you were in this situation, would you be willing to accept this?"

893bet

You are not in a position to make demand really with no formal agreeemnt in place.
i would tread carefully without knowing the ins and outs.

fritzelly

Wouldn't be dragging young kids away from the family home for Xmas Day for your benefit - could make Stephens Day another Xmas day for them

GAAcailin

I think at 5 and 3 years old the kids are too young to know what they want ~ bit unfair of her to state that.

Could she make it 3pm on Xmas day instead, think you’ll have to meet in the middle somehow.

Hope you get sorted

spaceHopper

They will probably be wiped out by 3, why go to war on this, see if she will drop them to you at 4. None of this meeting at x place unless you live hours apart. Make the 26th special and have them for new years eve instead so something to mark that

Alonzo Mosley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122968642#Comment_122968642

Absolutely - spot on advice. I agree don't upset their routine even though you will have a lonely day. Remember it's only one day of the year and you have the rest of your life to spend happy times, especially when they are older , plus you can tell them when they are older that even though you're not with them - you're always thinking of them. Hope it works out…..

feelings

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058384781/xmas-day-access-for-single-dad

"at this stage it’s best for the kids to stay at home for Christmas Day"

Says who? Her best mate? 🙄 Does your ex not believe your home is also the kids home? They have two homes, she should start coming to terms with that. Her message screams of controlling behaviour. I completely disagree with any suggestion that this is "ok". 12pm handover Christmas day is fair and reasonable. Alternating each year, so that both of you share Christmas Eve/mornings. The children have a right to spend quality Christmas time with both parent. It is only fair and in the children's best interest that you and your partner accommodate this in both homes. You only have a very limited number of Christmas Days while your kids are young and have those special Santa mornings.

Btw,for the sake of your kids (and your mental health), get a legal custody/access arrangement in place asap. Make sure you look for fair and reasonable time for both of you on special events, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Birthdays, Communions/Confirmations etc.

I am a single dad and the kids quickly adapted to a similar access arrangement for Christmas. Although the ex still tries to alter the arrangement every year, I do not entertain any changes. Very soon my kids will be old enough to decide themselves where they want to be for Christmas etc.

Best of luck OP.

Kimbot

As a single dad I can relate to you. My advise is to think of the kids, it really is a big time of year for them at that age and if they insist they want to stay with their mam then let them, as they get older that may change where they will want to spend it with you. Yes its lonely but you will still get to see them from 5pm, its not as if you wont get to see them at all.

Dumb Juan

Hi,

I have talked to the Treoir and I found them sympathetic and helpful. They will still talk with married parents

Here is their website https://www.treoir.ie/

Another useful website

https://onefamily.ie/

backwithabang

Sorry late into the discussion and hope you made the most of Xmas day.

My own experience is similar to yours, pick them up at 3pm Xmas day and they stayed with me for a few days. Santa always knew there was 2 houses, and he always left a stack of presents under my tree too. Kids are older now, nearly 10 and 12 and from what I have seen, and I know this isn't every case, is that my kids mother is nearly glad to be rid of them now over Xmas.

When the toddler and early childhood stage was over and the back chatting started it wasn't as fun anymore. My ex tried to lay down the law too and I eventually had to push back and she knows now that if she takes me back to court I am going for joint custody as I am sick of paying for everything and having them about 40% of the time and still shelling out 200 a week on maintenence