Manipulating sister inlaw

Happymissy

Hi I just wanted to ask for a few opinions please if that's okay.

I love my husband very dearly and we have been together for fourteen years. Il be honest I never liked his older sister from the day I met her, I just knew there was something about her but never could put my finger on it till things started getting serious between myself and my husband. I could see how controlling she was in ways with him, St first I just thought It was because she was older and he looked upto her or thought of her like parent figure, sometimes she would interfere in personal stuff between us and try and dictate my parenting. We fell out over alot of stuff over the years mainly it being that, it usually ended with me giving in for his sake making up with her, setting boundaries only for her to over step them gradually again and the circle would repeat with her. Then I just lost interest, I let him get on with her himself and chat away to her, even visit her with the kids but I just kept my distance unless I had to interact at family occasions ect. She always made passive aggressive comments here and there but I just ignored her most of the time, I made a conscious decision I would let her and her negativity get to me.

However, my husband fell out with her recently over something big Im not going to get into detail because I would be here writing for a week lol, It doesn't involve me so I stayed out of it completely as I always do whenever there is drama on his side, il support him with anything but I just don't want to get involved with them in situations like that, but he recently told me that his sister was constantly talking about me to him, that i didn't respect him enough or that I was using him because she could see the signs for her past experiences with her exs, he said she was constantly trying to get inside his head, she would even make up stories that she ran into me in various places and that I'd ignore her or stick my head up at her which never happened, if me and him had an argument over something simple or stupid she would tell him that's not good enough and that I was a bully or controlling, there are loads of stuff she said about me that he told me back and it's horrible to be frank that she could talk about his wife and mother of his kids like that. But the thing that has been bothering me the most and I can't get out of my head is why would he listen to that or sit in a room entertaining someone who could say such slanderous things. I have siblings myself but if any of them ever deared to cross that line with me I'd never speak to them again and I would expect no different if I behaved that way about their spouses. I can't come to terms with everything iv heard at all. Iv asked him repeatldy why he let her say the things he said and he just shrugged and told me that he didn't think anything of it at the time that he'd ignore her ore she would do it in a smart sarcastic way. I asked him how long has this been happening he said she started doing it about 2 years ago. That's a long time to be passing no heed of someone, and never once tell me. But now thinking back about thing over the last two years makes so much sense he'd come home from his parents in pissy for for no reason, the random arguments he'd start with me over something as simple as not having the clothes washed and dried straight away, I just feel like now all of that is related to her. I'm so hurt and I don't know what to do about it, I told him this but he said it's not like I cheated in you it was just harmless giving out we have all done it.

Sorry for long rant but has this ever happened to anyone else before.

Thanks

Dial Hard

I think you're asking the wrong question here, tbh. For me, it wouldn't be a case of "How could he sit there listening to her giving out about me for so long?" Instead I'd be asking him what the hell he was doing telling her about every little up and down in your your marriage for years, knowing full well she didn't like you.

Have you asked him that, and if so, what did he say?

Baybay

Continue what you were doing & give her no place in your life. She’s your husband’s sister so, for the sake of family or maybe parental pressure, he has given her a bit more room than you’d like. Nothing has changed really, it’s just you now know she’s been speaking out of turn but you probably aren’t surprised.

Andrea B.

It's a lousy situation.

Unacceptable.

The fact that somebody would lie about you to your spouse, let alone other stuff.

There is another thread on somewhat similar topic here, if opinions helped.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058364016/family-issues

Happymissy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122817693#Comment_122817693

Thanks for the comment and link to the other thread, it's very informative and I thought my sis in law was horrible oh my god!!!lol. I'm glad to read something like that and see that there are other people out there who are experiencing similar issues in regards to family in laws. It's just crazy to think that most just assume you are going to get on great with your in laws because your married into them and that's so far from the truth for some people unfortunately!

Happymissy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122816813#Comment_122816813

I did, I said it to him when he was ranting on about her and his story got switched up then to he never participated in talking about me to her ever she just randomly came out with these things about me! I told him I find it hard to believe that someone would randomly come out with statements like your wife is controlling you all because she asked you where I was with our 2 kids at that moment in time and you tell her I'm at my parents house! That makes no sense! He said that she made it sound like I was always at my parents house with the kids and barely at his! My parents are old and I do spend quite some time helping them because I live nearest to them but he never expressed any issue with that before as he knows this, all of a sudden it became an issue and arguments that I was spending too much time around them and why can't other siblings do it. Now that he's on a truthful mission about his sister he's able to relay back that she was the one who put that into his head about my parents!

Happymissy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122816846#Comment_122816846

Thanks, I know I have gave her no place or room in my life over the past few years I have kept firm to limiting down any interaction with her, only if I have to attend some sort of family gathering which is rare thankfully that she happens to be at, and even then it's more of a civil nature, a ' hey, how are you keeping' type of converse with her, never get into detail and certainly never share any of my personal business with her. My husband knows and always has knowing iv no problem with him having a sibling relationship with his sister but he also has always knowing how I felt about her and that all I asked of him was keep our private business to us, there are only two people in our relationship not three. So the fact that he is coming out with statements to me now, that should have been personal but clearly we're shared with her is so very annoying. It so maddening to think that someone who I have no contact with what so ever can know and talk about my own personal business like that!

spaceHopper

he said she was constantly trying to get inside his head

He's caught in the middle between you and her, he want's to see her and didn't want to fallout with her so he just let her rant. He didn't tell you to now but he never actually believed her either.

My 2 cents is, let it go and stay out of it. Let him know he's not to talk about you to her. Assuming they make up. How ever if they do she'll be asking so he needs to have some safe stock answers that end the conversation safely. How's <your name>. She's great, she's gone to check on her parents." would be my go to. "Or her parents needed her help." Something safe. How are you guys getting on - "terrific." Then he should change the topic.

Do you really want to hear what she's saying about you very time he see her - he's probably right to say nothing. What can he do about her, she's a grown woman and won't change. Also what good can come of it for him to bring it up with you?

Purple Mountain

Hi op.

Could it be that your husband is so used to her toxic ways that hr just sits there and let's it in one ear and out the other?

Someone with a personality like hers would be scathing the back off more people than just you.

He has probably learnt years ago that arguing or challenging someone like her is futile. Don't feed the beast!

I know it is a sh1tty feeling that he didn't defend you but if she's an unreasonable or even unstable person, they're be no reasoning with her.

Continue to ignore her dramas and don't get drawn into this new argument. It's not worth your peace.