Family issues

torithrone

Hi,

I am just wondering has anyone ever been in the same predicament as myself or has experienced something similar to this.?

My husband and i have 4 small children together and a few months ago we decided to take a break away from each other for a few weeks. my husband decided to move back in with his parents at the time to give both of us space as we werent getting on at all, constantly arguing. the reason behind this was because i felt like my husbands family, mother and one sibling in particular, were extremely interfering in our lives to the point where i couldnt take it anymore, they werent this bad up until about 2 years ago. it started when my husbands older sister got divorced during the pandemic, and she started getting very clingy to my husband, extremely dependant on him for silly things etc, including making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. she would constantly dictate and tell me how to parent my own kids, especially after i had my youngest 2 twin boys it got really bad, i started suffering with a bit of depression after the boys were born and i developed extreme anxiety because of it to the point where i found it hard to even drop my older two to school, i left my job then, to stay at home with the kids, i think it was partially due to my anxiety at the time and i felt really down over doing it because i didnt know whether i was making the right decision or not at the time. while the boys were very small she would ask my husband to go away places for her or do things with her to the point where i felt like i wasnt really getting to see him much after he came home from work, so i started leaning heavily on my own mother to help with the kids etc. she would come to the house and help out with them while he was working.

this seemed to set my husband off and when the boys were 6 months old he started getting agitated with me all the time arguing and saying nasty stuff to me about my mum, the row that caused him to move back home for the few weeks was because he said to me that his mother and sister were right when they told him it was a complete joke, me opting to stay at home while he was working and that i was putting on the anxiety and i wouldnt have had it if i had went back to work straight away, that how come i wasnt like this after our first two were born. That was the last straw for me.

we patched things up after the few weeks away from eachother and he apologised for the way he treated me. since he came back he has told me other things his sister in particular has said to him about me, including telling him not to go back to me that we should just separate completely as we clearly werent getting on so it would be better off seen as i dont like them being involved with us, ( i presume she heard I said that from him.) she also told him that if i was suffering from depression he could get full custody of our kids if he wanted to go down that road and that he would be more than welcome to live with her. He said that after she said that to him he fell out with her and hasnt spoken to her since. I am shocked and disgusted that his family have spoken and behaved this way over a row between us and him moving home for a few weeks. i have told him i want nothing more to do with any of them ever again, regardless if most of the stuff said to him was by the sister. i havent set foot in his home house since he moved back in and to be honest i have absolutely no intentions of doing so either. i feel like too much has been said and done.

Recently however, he has started asking me to come and visit his parents . (I let the kids go out with him). i just dont go near them myself at all. but i feel like he is pressuring me constantly now to interact with them again even though deep down i dont want to. when i tell him i dont he stops for a while only to start up again. i dont know how he can expect me to entertain any of them after the stuff he has told me they said about me. in my opinion you cant go back from things like that. but the pressure is getting to me and now i dont know what i should do, he says you dont have to call to them for long just ten fifteen minutes, because his mother really wants to see me. i dont want to but i dont want to start arguing and rowing again seen as we are in a good place, but i dont want to go back that road with them either because since ive cut ties there has been so much peace and no interfering at all. should i just go to his mothers for ten or fifteen minutes just for peace sake or should i stay away altogether.?

sorry for long post and thanks for reading, any advice will be appreciated.

thanks.

Hannibal_Smith

Are you still broken up? Not that it matters really, I don't think I'd be too keen about visiting them either to be honest. Your husband could have been tactful and not used his family and what they were saying about as weapons. But seeing as he did and you know some of the truly awful things they said, I wouldn't be jumping to his requests that you visit him. And certainly not if you're still broken up.

torithrone

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122494646#Comment_122494646

Hi Hannibal,

No we have patched things up since and i feel like we have been getting on a lot better now, he seems to be a lot more understanding and I'm starting to feel like i am getting back to myself since I have started therapy for the anxiety and depression after the twins were born which has helped me tremendously. Things feel a lot better but i kind of feel like that's due to no more interfering anymore, and that's why I'm so hesitant with visiting his parents, even if its just for a few minutes here and there, i feel like if i do this, what's to say history wont repeat itself and the family will slowly repeat the cycle with us again.

Thank you so much for your reply.

torithrone

sorry i forgot to mention in my post that my husbands mother has also started texting me lately asking me to call to them as well. i haven't replied to her messages and i cant comprehend why she is acting like everything is normal between us and nothing happened at all, it is just baffling, when that is so far from the truth considering what has been said and done by them.

spaceHopper

Ask you husband if he was in your shoes, how would feel about visiting them to keep the peace and that his partner wasn’t backing them up. Maybe he’ll see it another way. You also must keep in mind that whatever pressure he’s putting you under he’s probably been put under more pressure.

I’d set you to him that his sister caused far too much trouble for you to ever spend time in her company. It’s simply not going to happen and never ask for it. His mother isn’t much better, and you don’t really want any relationship with her. It’s entirely her doing and she’s let herself down very badly and caused a lot of damage. (Optionally: If she wants to talk to you, she has your number she can ring you but there is absolute not commitment on your part and you can’t ever see yourself been on good terms with her.) It’s better that he visits her without you and you aren’t going to stop him or stop her having a relationship with the kids. Is your FIL alive, what’s he like?

I’ve twins and I know how full on they are add other small children into the mix and you must be swamped. From about 8 on it gets much easier. At the weekends, you take one morning for a lie-on and your husbands take the other, and by lie-on I mean up by 9:30.

Have you tired counselling for yourself to deal with the anxiety and probably PND, maybe talk to your GP. Couples counselling might be a help too.

Edit: How much of this was his sister and how much was his mother? Saw you post about her texting. She knows she's done wrong and should face up to it and ring you and say sorry.

Baybay

I’m aware that my response wont be for everybody but when in a not dissimilar situation myself, I chose what I considered the greater good.

OH’s sibling said something to me that went far beyond any norm. Always was a bit iffy anyway but I just couldn’t get past this one. Sides weren’t exactly taken but alliances were made known. Might be worth saying that OH & I had nor have any issues between us.

Anyway, it took me a while, helped by us not living close by but I decided that my OH & my children either needed a relationship with that side of the family or the chance to see what they were really like. I visited but let it be known I was on my way elsewhere so any time I was ready, I just left. Better than them visiting me. Family gatherings were easier. Due to distance they were generally on neutral ground so easy to sit further away or leave whenever.

This was a few years ago now. The comments have not been repeated or even mentioned. Everyone is in each others lives, grandchildren, cousins etc. They are all used to me flitting in & out of things by now so it’s not even an issue. Sometimes I even enjoy myself in their company! But there will be no second chance.

Kurooi

Surprised at the lack of appreciation for you taking on 4 kids. That's no picnic.

That aside, you and the husband are a unit, and you need to be resilient against external influence. Your relationship is stability, a bond. You know your relationship best, don't let others, and in particular bored meddlers playing house with your life, meddle.

Which doesn't and shouldn't mean cutting people out, you can meet and be polite, chat and joke. Just don't let them in on your life, both of you need to step in and cut short any conversation that attempts to undermine or even advise either of you. You can love your mom, your sister or in laws while fully dismissing any opinions they have for you.

Big Bag of Chips

The reality is, his family are always going to side with him. And depending on what version of the story he was telling them they're going to support him above you. Every time.

If my brother came to me telling me he has marriage difficulties and he was moving back in to our parents house, I'd be extremely likely to offer him support and tell him he's welcome to come live with me until he found his feet.

Blood is thicker than water and his family will choose him. The problem here is your husband involved his family in your relationship and now they feel entitled to be involved in your relationship. I think his parents are trying to reach out to you. They know that you two are sorting out your problems and want to help that process by not excluding you.

You don't have to ever be best friends with them, but if you and your husband are serious about mending your relationship you might need to meet them half way to accept the olive branch that is being offered. His sister sounds about OTT but she loves her brother more than she loves you. That's completely normal. It's up to him, and you, to put your boundaries in place. If you keep yourself separate from him you're only reinforcing their belief that your marriage isn't strong and is likely to end.

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122494836#Comment_122494836

Do you think his mother is calling you out of genuine concern for you or is it a bit more sinister? Do you have close friends near you. If you do I'd organise a day to meet them and let him mind the kids to just have a day off from him and his family and turn the phone off. The whole family OP including your husband are clearly very controlling. I'd say to him that your not ready to meet his family due to their behaviour towards you and he really should understand that. If he doesn't then he probably wont change his behaviour anytime soon.

iniscealtra

Let your husband bring the kids for a visit and give you a day off. Or maybe let them mind the kids for the weekend and give yourself and your husband some time together. You have four kids, they and your own family unit are the most important thing really.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122494745#Comment_122494745

Thats completely understandable and to be fair to you you're doing all you can to get yourself through this. Fair play to you. Its great the therapy is helping you. It might be worth talking with the therapist about your concerns. Like, the likelihood of you being able to avoid them forever is very slim. So maybe it might be worth asking for help on developing ways of coping with the in laws.

There are people out there who behave in all sorts of curious ways and seem to have no sense of accountability for how that behaviour impacts others. Your in laws aren't alone in that. Not that it's an excuse.

As I say I don't think I'd be too keen on spending time with them if I was you, but that's not really a runner long term. You are going to have to endure them sooner or later!

torithrone

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122495526#Comment_122495526

Thank you for you reply, i completely understand what you mean by supporting him, i myself have two brothers and a sister and i would feel the same with them. both my brothers are married and sister is in long term relationship. they have had their fair share of ups and downs over the years but the thing is i would never imbed myself into their relationships or lives, nor would they, or have they done likewise with myself and my marriage. sympathise yes and offer each other support if things go bad or dont work out, but not encourage one another to step away from the marriage just because they are arguing over family interference. my siblings dont interfere in my marriage and i dont interfere in theirs, i believe that is a line that should not be crossed and that is why i have maintained a good relationship with both of my brothers spouses and i have never fell out with either of them. the reason my husband and myself fell out and he moved home was because of the interference on his side. i tried every possible reasoning before it got that far, i sat him down on multiple occasions and asked him to set boundaries with his sister, pointed out what she was doing to us wasnt normal sibling behaviour, and thats because it really isnt normal behaviour the way she has been acting, sometimes i feel like she is obsessed with my husband. its weird but thats the way i feel after having observed her with him for so long through out our marriage. my husband had assured me at the time that he would make it clear to her, but it never happened and then it got too much and took a toll on us as a couple because i felt like i wasnt part of the relationship anymore.

my husband and i knew nothing about his sisters marriage problems until after herself and her husband split up for good. i pointed this out to my husband when he said he had no clue they were going to break up, she never shared her relationship problems or details of her marriage with my husband, nor did my husband ever step in or imbed himself into their marriage, however that is exactly what she did to us.

my husband's mother got involved to an extent, she obviously took the sisters side and thats fine i get that, they are very interfering people so ive come to realise they like to ignore boundaries. however, i understand the extension of an olive branch trying to move on, but i dont think i am ready just yet to accept that as i feel its too raw at the minute. his mother had texted me some awful things during the duration he had moved home, all because she thought i had kicked him out which wasnt the case at all, it was a mutual agreement at the time to see could we work things out with each other. (one message in particular she started off by asking why he left and what happened, i kept it short and sweet by telling her things were complicated at the minute and he decided to move home for a while, which she told me hopefully we would work things out, all of a sudden it went from that to me being told i hope you and the kids find somewhere else to live because my sons name is on the lease of the house.) that message was sent to me four days after he left the house. he wasnt even gone a week. my husband told me afterwards his sister was in the house when his mother sent that message to me and possibly played a role in it. so i do understand i have to at some stage involve myself with his parents, i cant keep up avoiding them altogether, its just that i dont think im ready to mend any bridges with them just yet?

thank you very much for the advice i really appreciate it.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122495126#Comment_122495126

Yes I’ve very similar thinking to this.
OP- look inward first to your relationship with your husband and family and sort that first - agree what you will and won’t tolerate in terms of interference. Once you’ve done that you’ll be better able to deal with both families - you just need to be at one with each other ( easy to say I know , but try not let outside interference cloud both of your judgements )

torithrone

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122494974#Comment_122494974

thank you for replying yes i agree he probably is being put under some kind of pressure from his mother, she is very much like that, pressure wise. i dont mind the kids going to visit their grand parents at all with my husband, i just cant imagine myself wanting to sit in his mothers presence anymore. my father in law is a lovely man, i chat to him all the time, he rings to check up on me and the kids regularly to see how we are all doing. he doesnt get involved in anything and he has said for us to just do our own thing and to pass no heed of mother and sister on various occasions.

i am in therapy for the anxiety and it is working wonders i feel like i am getting back to myself again. thanks. i think couples counselling is a option im very much going to look into just to be able to air everything out.

his mum is involved to an extent with awful messages during our time away from eachother, but his sister is the main and biggest issue in our relationship to be honest.

thanks for your advice i really appreciate it.

Bogroll2003

Not a religious person but this is classic Genesis 2:24

…therefore a man shall leave his mother and his father and cleave unto his wife, and be as one flesh.

A husband and wife should be one united force together or this happens.

Your husband allowed a damaged unhappy sister into your marriage. He shouldn’t have allowed this.

Your husbands family sound very enmeshed. Needing to be in each others business, marriages, entitled to a say on everything going on. It’s extremely damaging to a marriage.

Read up about Family Enmeshment and discuss with your husband when you are both calm.

Meanwhile I suggest you stay away from his family, let him do his thing with them but you minimally engage with them. Or you’ll be picking away at the wound caused by your husbands naivety/codependency and it won’t heal.

Andrea B.

I have observed.

Close friends or siblings.

Self appointed divorced individuals, positioning themselves as "flying witches" who extoll the concept of separation to anyone having relationship difficulties.

Might be brought on by bitterness or devil finding work for idle hands, coupled with beeps from Tinder decreasing in frequency.

Quite possibly, if his sister's marriage was successful, it is likely that, if anything, she would be a listening ear and understanding of both sides.

Looks like the familial (we are perfect) bond, in this case, will not allow this to happen. His mum joining has just been a recruitment process for another flying witch.

You are so correct in standing ground on how offended you feel.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122494836#Comment_122494836

As said, blood is thicker than water and also when you marry someone you also marry their family. But when you have children with them you create new blood yourself. Your husband though should be prioritising you, if he wants the family to function at all.

Maybe your mother in law sees this as well after all and despite previous disagreement is holding out an olive branch.

NiceFella

Step back for a moment.

I think you might be being a bit harsh on the mother. Your husband showed a lot of immaturity during a fight to share something she said in confidentiality from a place of concern. You also have no clue if the way your husband delivered it was the way it was put. In most cases when a row is happening people overstate the case. Don't let this play in your head, the mother is only doing motherly things.

I wouldn't give the sister such a pass though, because her involvement has clearly crossed the line. But I would keep in mind that she has suffered a fairly major event recently herself (the break up of her marriage) and you could be mindful that she may not be thinking in the most rational way. Be polite, and don't take her too seriously.

Putting inlaws aside for a moment, it seems to me that the crux of your issues is poor communication between you and your husband. Clearly you both are feeling the pressure atm.

OP given your anxiety are you one of these people who tries to shoulder the burden until it blows up in your face?? Are you taking steps to understand what's driving your anxiety and asking for space to be able to do that? Have you asked your husband what he is worried about? Have you reassured him to help him with his concerns? You should also tell him that you won't stand for threatening messages from his family and that he needs to tell them to back the F-off.

What matters here is you and your husband and your kids and what's best for them. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

Sonic the Shaghog

Im gonna say it, are we sure they said any of these things or the husband just says they did cause he was acting like a child?

marilynrr

I forgave my in-laws for some very fucked up stuff when I was with my ex but tbh I think I would struggle massively with forgiving (or even wanting to forgive) people who could be so toxic about me when I was postpartum. It's just a sign of terrible people IMO…a couple of posters said that blood is thicker than water, but that's not always the case, and even if their support was mainly towards their son they can be supportive of him without being toxic about the mother of their grandkids.

If I had grandkids and my son ever spoke about the mother of his kids like that after she had a baby and about her mental health I would be completely disgusted with him. I wouldn't be backing him up.

I would be extremely reluctant to welcome people like that back into my life, without what I felt was a genuine apology because I can see them behaving like that again if it was all so easy to brush under the carpet the last time.

i dont want to but i dont want to start arguing and rowing again seen as we are in a good place

I wouldn't have been able to forgive him either tbh, but are you really in that good a place if you're worried about arguing and rowing over this? Surely he should respect your wishes.

I'm sure he wouldn't want to be around your family acting like nothing happened if they had been so vile about him during a vulnerable time.

Andrea B.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122501780#Comment_122501780

That thought crossed my mind too.

And whether they did or not, he was trying to validate himself using triangulation, which in itself is very emotionally immature.

Worse though, would be the simple feeling that your partner has been having a bitching session about you....with anyone, or setting the foundation that makes those family members believe that their bitching is acceptable.

Flinty997

The husband needs to make his wife and kids his no1 priority. That's his primary family.

At this time, with a small family. His parents are second and his siblings third.

Almost all his time should be with his wife and kids. Should buy in some cleaning and child minding help to give wife a break. If the Parents and siblings can help with that on a very defined time slot then ok.

But what he's doing by prioritising his parents and siblings is all wrong. It's childish and immature. He needs to man up. He's at risk at breaking up his family.

baxterooneydoody

How are you managing the 4 kids? If fine, tell him stay with his mammy and you can stay at the house, he moved out and don't let him back in, any man that runs to mammy needs to be set free, in 2 years you'll wonder why you ever worried about it