Mutual Attraction

tina4t

I've been feeling there's a mutual attraction with a guy in work for the last 2 months. I asked him straight out if I'm imagining it or is there a connection between us. He said I'm a lovely Lady but no and apologised if I got that impression. I told him it's stressing me out not knowing and both of us said we wouldn't date someone from work, he asked would I not, I just said no coz it was easier than saying it wouldn't bodder me. BUT my question is, is it possible to feel the mutual attraction at least 5 times, most recently the other day and be totally wrong? The connection I felt each time was Iike you just know when it's mutural. We have a huge amount in common only difference is I'm quite and he's outspoken. This guy is very old fashioned behind it all and has his heart badly broken more than once. A colleague told me a wee bit about him when I told her about the connection… There's been an instant where he was trying to impress me felt like that to me by telling me about his plus points and what he's got plus I noticed he'd be bit nervous around me. BUT he's 9 yrs young and I'd never think about dating someone younger than myself if I was to go looking for someone.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058368411/mutual-attraction

Told her about the connection that he told you wasn't there?

extra-ordinary_

Look at your own history rather than his as to why you might be projecting more onto this apparent 'friendship'.

Gregor Samsa

BUT my question is, is it possible to feel the mutual attraction at least 5 times, most recently the other day and be totally wrong?

Yes, it is.

Ted222

You can’t assume a mutual attraction on your own.

JupiterKid

Mod:

Hi Op, this thread would be much better suited to the Personal Issues forum.

Moving the thread with redirect link.

JK

Princess Calla

So you asked him if there was an attraction (as you obviously felt one) and he said no.

Ultimately there's your answer.

However you continued with the conversation asking if you'd date a work colleague and you said no (despite wanting to date him , well I presume that's what you want as you have an attraction to him)

I don't even know yis and my head is melted!

Honestly work is not the place to "f*ck about and find out". I know many couples find their SO in work (I did) .

He has told you he's not interested... pursuing this could have you ending up in HR.

Back away, leave him be and keep all interactions on a professional basis only!

YellowLead

You can never be sure of mutual attraction - you can be only sure of your own attraction to somebody - anything else is pure conjecture and fantasy (unless that person has told you)

Fair play for shooting your shot - it didn’t work out though as he isn’t into you, so the best thing now is to let it go and treat him as a work colleague - don’t embarrass yourself by pursuing further when you’re gotten a no.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058368411/mutual-attraction

It's stressing you out not knowing what, exactly??? He's told you out straight he's not interested. Time to move on.

xyz13

"A colleague told me a wee bit about him when I told her about the connection…"

Eh... The connection in your head [teenage behaviour]. He is not into you and said it out loud! Leave the poor man alone.

Tork

How closely do you work with this guy? I can see work becoming an awkward place if you don't back off and accept that this guy never fancied you. You mentioned that he's 9 years younger than you are. That's quite an age gap, especially when it's the woman who's older. I guess he was extra relaxed around you because of that 9-year age difference and that he saw you as a non-threatening older colleague. What you see as mutual attraction was just two friends having a nice time. Because he let you down gently and was nice about it, your brain can't accept that there was never anything there. Honestly, you sound a bit intense and that's the sort of thing that could easily make things awkard with your colleague. If you can, reduce contact with him and wean yourself off him.

Hannibal_Smith

You like him and you're desperately trying to convince yourself he likes you and there's some hope here. There's not. He's told you he's not interested, he's told you he wouldn't date anyone from work. The guy has made it clear. You're being massively inappropriate at this stage.

Charlo30

As others have said. You asked him out straight and he told that he was not attracted to you. I'd strongly suggest you let the matter rest. If you keep pursuing this HR will inevitably become involved and things could get very messy for you.

Purple Mountain

We spend so much time with work colleagues that it can be easy to get over familiar with them and let our guard down.

Perhaps what you perceived as attraction from him was a relaxed and trusting vibe between people in a confined space.

UUltimately he has given you his answer.

witchgirl26

OP there is no mutual attraction as he has told you he is not interested in that. He may like you as a friend and colleague but to answer your question, yes you can think something is there & be wrong. It happens to everyone all the time.

My advice would be not even try to pursue anything with him in terms of a romantic relationship as he has straight out said he doesn't want that & considering it's a workplace, if you do try to, he could legitimally go to HR with a grievance on this.

tina4t

Hi how do I stop still receiving comments from this post. Thank you

Esel

This reads like a request for thread closure from the OP.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Thread closed.

Thanks all who took time to give advice.
Hilda

tina4t

An update on my last post. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend, whilst saying to myself I can't be hearing things, I told him I'm starting a part time weekend job 🫣. I then heard him saying to a colleague that he might take his nephew. It was to some outdoor event. After what I said to him couple of weeks ago he surely wouldn't ask me something like that unless he also felt the attraction. Even if I liked someone and was attracted to them being honest I'd deny it if they approached me and asked me like the way I did it to him.

Dial Hard

Is this your colleague who has told you to your face he's not interested in you romantically? Seriously, OP, you need to stop interrogating every single - perfectly innocuous - interaction with him for secret signals. He was being friendly/polite. That's literally it. I ask my colleagues pretty much every Friday what they're doing for the weekend. It's called being a normal human being. You need to drop this.

tea and coffee

Exactly what Dial Hard said. Sounds like he's being polite.

If he gets wind that you think him continuing to be polite to you after he said he wasn't interested means that you think he is actually interested, then he will stop talking to you fairly sharpish

Big Bag of Chips

Why is this thread titled "Dating"?

You are not dating. He has told you he's not interested. He asked a very generic question. One he probably asked numerous other colleagues too and you think he "surely" wouldn't have asked you what you were doing for the weekend unless he was attracted to you.

He would. I share an office with 5 colleagues plus a others who pass in and out all day. From 3pm on Friday the conversation is generally "Any plans for the weekend?". When we go back in on Monday we'll ask "Had you a good weekend?".

It's small talk. And absolutely not an indication of attraction. He's unlikely to be flirting with you seeing as he told you he's not interested.

Do you often have trouble reading social situations?

HildaOgdenx

Mod - OP, I have merged this with your previous thread as it is the same topic.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122687834#Comment_122687834

He asked you what you are doing for the weekend. You said you're starting a part time job. You overheard him say to someone else he was taking his nephew to an out door event. Where's the part where he asked you out?

You're ignoring what he's said. You're ignoring the advice.

marilynrr

In light of your update and the fact you think that asking what you were doing for the weekend means that there is definitely a mutual attraction then I would say the chances are that you 100% imagined the mutual attraction in the first place and have completely read the situation wrong.

tina4t

It's in Dating coz I couldn't see any other options. He was standing right in front of me while saying to colleague he's got no one to take along and he might take his nephew

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122689242#Comment_122689242

Take along where? To your part time job? If he wanted to ask you out he'd ask you out. He's a grown man who doesn't need pretences. Instead of looking for subliminal messages, accept what he's actually told you. He likes you as a friend. So if you want to be in his life its as a friend and no more. Respect him and his wishes.

You are going to make yourself miserable if you continue on like this. For your own good move passed it. Youll feel much better.

HazeDoll

There's nothing very strange about letting yourself believe there's a bit of magic between you. Everybody has indulged in a harmless crush at work, it helps to pass the time and adds some excitement to the monotony.

You had a mature and civilised conversation, nothing wrong with that at all. (Many of us wouldn't be confident enough to give it that shot!)

"Do you think we might be more than colleagues?"

"You're lovely, but no."

If he's chatty and friendly after that he's trying to demonstrate that as far as he's concerned the matter is closed, no harm done.

You need to replay that important conversation in your head. He gave you a clear, unequivocal answer. Why would he do that if he was going to try to communicate a secret desire to you using small talk?

"What are you up to this weekend?" is a question I have asked my students, my mother, the man who delivers my firewood. I barely even listen to the answer. It is maybe one level up from "Terrible weather we're having."

If you find your mind running away from you and reexamining these meaningless interactions with him you need to put a stop to it. Every time you think about him, tell yourself out loud to stop. Find something else to absorb you, a book or something entertaining on Netflix. Do not allow yourself to picture you as a couple or to rehearse imaginary conversations. If you need to, put an elastic band on your wrist and give it a twang whenever you catch yourself obsessing. He seems like a nice guy. It's so important to have pleasant working relationships with colleagues. You don't want this one to start looking for reasons to avoid you.

Tork

Because this guy let you down gently and said nice things to soften the blow, you're refusing to take him at his word. Let's look at this objectively. He's 9 years younger than you, which is a significant age gap in all sorts of ways. That age gap may also explain why he connected with you in work - as a friend. He saw you as a nice older colleague and perhaps someone from a different generation. He'd be horrified if he saw this thread and thought you were obsessing over him like this. What he said to you originally should've drawn this matter to a close. In his mind, he's back to business as usual and he's doing his best to return things to normal.

You're analysing this latest comment to death and like everybody else here, I see no deeper meaning in what he asked. It's small talk and nothing more. My hairdresser asked me what I was doing for the weekend when I was in on Friday. Should I interpret that as a suggestion that we should hang out together?

I wonder do you have trouble reading social situations? Certainly when it comes to your colleague you're getting it all wrong and nobody here seems to be getting through to you.

witchgirl26

OP seriously stop with this. I mean that in a nice way. I ask my boss every Friday if he's up to anything at the weekend. I have the same conversation with most people I talk to on a Friday. And on a Monday I'll ask them about what they did. It's just part of being colleagues.

Yes he mentioned he didn't have anyone to bring to an event in front of you….but also in front of another colleague. In fact in conversation with that colleague & not with you as you just happened to be there. It doesn't necessarily mean that he was hinting at asking you or not. He could have just been making conversation.

He has already told you that he is not interested. You need to take him at his actual word & stop looking for signs that aren't there.

tina4t

My friend said I should invite him to a tea dance that's coming up next weekend. Though I'm Not sure if it's on Sat or Sunday

Princess Calla

Please don't!

He has told you that he's not romantically attracted to you, believe him!

This is your workplace, you really need to get a grip here.

Let it go. If you keep this obsession up you'll end up in HR ... you're not at the local teenage disco here!

Dial Hard

Genuine question, OP: why are you here if you're just going to completely ignore all the advice you're getting??? It's like you're not even reading the replies.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122695819#Comment_122695819

Why are you persisting with this? He has told you straight out that he doesn't want a relationship. You have to respect it.

If you continue with this in the workplace, he could have a legitimate case against you with HR for harassment.

Let. It. Go.

stargazer 68

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122695819#Comment_122695819

OP please dont embarrass him or yourself by doing this. He said he isn't interested so drop it. You have to work with this guy. Ignore your friend!

Big Bag of Chips

Bring your friend. Leave this lad alone.

HazeDoll

Not one contributor here has agreed that you might be in with a chance with this fella. Not one.

Look, you have crush on a younger colleague. You've let it get a bit out of hand and now you're caught up in a bit of madness. Very soon it will pass and you'll be able to think clearly, you'll see it for what it is and you'll be very glad that you didn't do anything to embarrass either of you.

And another thing…

A tea dance. Like in a John McGahern novel? Where ladies in printed cotton dresses dance awkwardly with scrubbed men dripping with Brylcreem? With room for the holy spirit between them? And say things like, "I have eight good acres out beyond the bog and the brown heifer is in calf, I'd be a good husband to you," while twisting flatcaps nervously in work-hardened hands? He might give you a lift on the bar of his bike, OP, if the daddy won't lend him the Morris Minor for the dance.

extra-ordinary_

OP, try find someone else to fixate on.

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Warning applied for breach of charter. Post edited to remove unnecessary picture

HS