Anyone’s children come out ok after separation

mentalload123

I’m so stressed, my marriage is completely on the rocks, has been for a while.

Many many issues that haven’t really been dealt with, many times we say we will work on them but end up back in unhealthy habits.

bottom line is I’m so unhappy, I mean like completely miserable, he is too, he must be because he can’t bloody stand me. I’ve told him numerous times how I feel he actually hates me, anyway lots of baggage with us. My biggest issue is the kids.
The eldest is so aware of us, he’s watching everything and we had an argument over the summer and my husband walked out and my son broke down hysterical crying saying he’s leaving us I know yer getting a divorce. Anyway we tried to patch things us and my son is watching everything. All conversations etc. it’s desperate to see him so anxious. His anxiety is through the roof. This coupled with him finding out his dad is smoking is sending him spiralling. He thinks he’s going to die. My husband is like what’s the big deal loads of people smoke. I tried to explain that for almost 10 years he had the luxury of knowing both parents didn’t smoke and he felt secure they wouldn’t get sick and now coupled with the worry of his dad walking out has just triggered a response to him. My husband is very much tough love kinda man. He doesn’t understand the big deal.
Tonight was the final straw for me, we are away ina foreign country and we had a discussion at dinner which turned into an argument, his dad stormed off and left a pint behind. My son was hysterical, tried to run after him, couldn’t stop crying saying he’s gone, he’s leaving us. It was absolute torture to see. And now my middle child is more aware too saying dad just gets mad always and will come back. Somethin struck me. They can’t see this. I need to put them before everything else. My husband is a good provider financially, pays for everything, I’m a stay at home mom. But that’s where it’s ends he’s so unsupportive emotionally, just though love move on. It’s horrible. When we came home tonight, my husband left again to have a pint, I tried to talk to my son about it and he was so shut down, like his father. Mom just don’t talk about it, like dad said it’s in the past. Just stop talking!! It was like listening to his dad. I know this type of bottling up is so unhealthy for him. I was just so upset to see him shut down like that, he has picked that up from his dad.

So tonight away from home I have made the decision for my kids sake to separate. I need to do it for them, we are both ruining them. I’m so upset I thought staying together would be better but after tonight I know it’s not.

Sorry for the long one, anyone separated or divorced please tell me how your kids found it. I’m so worried for them.

Deregos.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058368102/anyone-s-children-come-out-ok-after-separation

You sound like a person on the edge. You both sound like genuinely loving and caring parents who are suffering in whats unfortunately manifested into a somewhat toxic relationship. I'm sure your partner would love to have better communication with you too, and that there was never arguments in front of your children like that.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest you try marrige guidance counseling before you get to hung up on believing that separating is the only way out. Your children deserve that much.

mentalload123

thanks for your comment, we both are absolutely committed to our kids. I don’t want them thinking negative about their dad or me.
we have talked about marriage counselling before but never took the step.

I feel so worn down now though and want out myself, maybe time will change that but I feel my husband is already there a long time. He more or less said he is only staying for the kids.
Re: communication is difficult as it’s fairly toxic ends up in a blaming game. Even though I’m so done now I don’t even care about who’s at fault etc. I Have very little fight left in me.

Im just so concerned for my kids. It breaks my heart. I know the statistics about coming from a broken home, but surey to have two loving parents living separate is better, especially since this has been effecting my mental status. My kids don’t know any divorced people, all their aunts etc and family are all together. I know it would be a huge blow to them. Especially not knowing anyone who is.

Shauna677

how old are the children?

mentalload123

10,7 and 3

XsApollo

I’m divorced 4 years ,hardest thing I ever did was leave my kids behind ( figuratively speaking )

My kids turned out fine, I too had massive hang up about breaking up due to my own parents and had always said to myself I would never end up like my father.

Me and their mother get on well, we both understood that kids are number one, we still socialise with each others families, everybody gets on and each of us is always welcome at the others.

Kids are free to do what they like, stay at mine or their mothers, they live in the house we started in as that’s what was best for them. There is no set times when I have them, and I can call over anytime.

I had the luxury of being in a position to purchase another house for myself, which myself and my ex purchased together before the divorce , we then signed away rights to each others house in the divorce. That certainly helped matters, as there was no resentment on my side, as I wasn’t renting a dump and had somewhere to live that was my own. ( not sure if that is feasible for yourselves ).

Everybody is definitely happier after my divorce.
but It was not easy, plenty of arguments were had.

There has to be give and take , fairness and both being reasonable.

If one of ye starts getting petty then it could just descend into a tit for tat battle.

Shauna677

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122593790#Comment_122593790

so very young OP, i would really encourage you to try marriage counselling. If you separate, the finan cial side of things will become very difficult too. It's an instant halfing of finances, two households to run rather than one. I wish you well.

mentalload123

thanks for your reply, your situation sounds good but almost on the rarity side of things. I’m so glad for ye figuring out a way to put the kids first. It gives me hope.

I’m worried about the financial side too, houses etc. We have the family home and another property we purchased back in our 20’s. Both have mortgages that would be impossible to cover between electric, gas etc. These are things we will need to consider but for now I’m just so concerned for my kids. I want them to have a safe, secure upbringing. I feel this is in jeopardy already with the arguments and our attitude towards each other. It’s very toxic at the minute.

mentalload123

thanks for your reply, they are very young and it’s a very busy house. It’s just so bad at the minute we can barely be in the same room. Marriage counselling would be so hard at the minute with so much resentment towards each other.

combat14

not sure what to say - divorce is an absolute nightmare too

why not try a short unofficial "break" for a week or two instead of an official separation to get some breathing space and perspective

then maybe look at constructive marriage counselling when things have cooled - not the type where he or she is wrong - counselling really focused on fixing things if that is what you both want best of luck

Akrasia

I think the worst thing for your kids would be to stay together in a miserable hostile marriage 'for the kids'

The kids will adjust to a separation, they will find a new normal, which can be perfectly healthy if its splitting their time between two loving households. But if their 'normal' for the next 10 years is to be constantly anxious and worried about unresolved tensions and conflicts and to have their models for adulthood being two parents in a loveless toxic marriage, that's going to hurt their emotional development and could lead to severe attachment issues later in life.

Also, you deserve to be happy. If you cannot repair your marriage, and if your partner is emotionally unavailable and checked out then you are not going to have your own emotional needs fulfilled by him.

Its possible that you announcing that you want to formally separate from him might be the kick up the arse he needs to realise how badly he has been hurting you and what he actually has to lose from a divorce.

A separation might be the first step to repairing your marriage (if both of you decide you want to do that and both are prepared to do the work needed to fix the underlying problems), but if one or more of you still want it to end, then its not good for either of you or for the kids to just 'stay together'

mentalload123

yes I think a break would be very good although I feel it will achieve very little. I’ll be the one at home with the kids with even less support. But I do think it’s needed. He has a few days away with work soon and I have suggested he move into his parents house for a couple of days as they are going on holiday. Just to get some distance.

mentalload123

thanks for your reply, you speak so much sense.
That's why something clicked last night. It has to be more damaging for the kids to grown up in conflict than not. The level of anxiety my 10 year old is displaying is very worrisome. Watching all our conversations.

My husband took him for a spin this morning to have a chat with him and explained that he was wrong to loose his temper and leave and he has to work on it.

I tried to talk to him again about it but he wanted to shut down, I explained that it’s not healthy to keep things bottled up and talking about it will help. He just reiterated that he’s so worried dad is going to leave us because we argue so much. That on us, it’s soul wrenching knowing we are causing this kind caring kid so much trauma. I know the arguing isn’t physical, screaming or anything like that but it’s still having a profound effect on him. I keep telling him people have disagreements and it’s normal and it’s how it’s resolved is what matters but he can’t get past the fear of divorce.

Big Bag of Chips

Regardless of what happens in the immediate term with you and your husband, separating isn't easy or cheap, you should look into arranging appropriate therapy for your children.

Play therapy, art therapy something like that. A good therapist will allow the child to opportunity and space to unload their thoughts.

It doesn't have to be a big "thing" but you could explain it that you know he's struggling with some feelings and you know that sometimes it can be difficult discussing your feelings with those you're closest too, because often you don't want to upset them by telling them you're upset.

Have a chat with your GP, or local PHN, even school. You should be able to get a recommendation. You wouldn't have to give too much information to school if you're not ready for that yet.

You'll be ok. It's not easy. But it's clear you want to do right by your children.

mentalload123

I have already been thinking about some play therapy since my nephew does the same. Thanks for the suggestion. Appreciate the feedback.
yes separations are expensive and I’ve a feeling it could get very messy. I really want to try and be amicable but I’m already sensing he has so much bad feelings towards me. He doesn’t like to accept blame and is a big time advocate for himself being this good guy, it’s like his life line I’m a good guy, but he is just a terrible husband. Zero support or caring, I’ve told him on numerous occasions that I feel like he hates me and I feel so unloved. I was literally crying out for help and some bit of kindness, he’s incapable of being that to me. He likes to blame me a lot (my anxiety and my family’s anxiety are all on us, he’s normal) and I’m ok being the bad guy and sucking it up if he has to be the good guy.

Dial Hard

Thousands of people separate in Ireland every year and realistically, pretty much all their kids come out of it absolutely fine. You're catastrophising about the potential outcome for your kids here, which is 100% understandable, but if you think about it from an academic point of view, if separation/divorce was *that* damaging to kids, we'd be dealing with generations of "damaged" children by now, which obviously isn't the case. Obviously it's very upsetting for them, and a huge period of change and disruption, and of course it will affect some children more than others/some will find it more difficult. But in the long run, any child is better off with separated, happy parents rather than living with angry/miserable/resentful ones.

Whatever you end up doing, I do think some support/counselling for your son's anxiety should be a priority.

Best of luck.

mykrodot

tough times OP and I feel for you. But either road is tough, mediation and counselling is very tough, so is divorce.

Your kids will be fine as long as you both genuinely love them and both genuinely put their needs first, even more so after a divorce .

Many years ago, after the death of one of my children, my husband and I divorced. It was an awful time, my head was so messed up ,I really had nothing left to give and I really wanted space. So I got space, a divorce, selling the family home, leaving the huge support network I had where I lived, moving to a new area, all the while dealing with bereavement. I didn't realise what I had lost until many years later.

However long story short, we are both very good parents and we both like each other a lot and have supported each other all these years since our divorce. He remarried and is very happy, but we will always be very good friends. We have been together with our kids at Christmas, birthdays, family events and can sit at the same table together and laugh and joke.

Your kids will be fine if they see the two people they love most in the world getting on! Even if you are divorcing you should still try and get on in front of the kids. It tears them apart to see you fighting. I come from a very dysfunctional family, parents who physically fought in front of us, screaming, shouting, slapping …………….believe me it causes huge damage to kids.

best of luck, you sound like you're a lovely person, with a big heart. Mind yourself too.