How do I get out of unhappy marriage

Sparkle84

Looking for some advice please...
I have been married for 15 years and need to get out. i am so unhappy, have been sleeping on the sofa for the last 3 months or so.we have 3 kids and I just don't know what to do. I pay everything rent, bills, most things for kids. come in from work in evening and cook and serve up his dinner to him. he spends the weekends drinking at home, he is in no way a bad father or anything and I think it's all out of frustration as things have gone so bad between us but I know once I mention him leaving or anything there will be massive bustup. he will say he can't leave the kids, he has no where to go (he does, his family home) etc etc.. I know in my heart he will refuse to go. Why wouldn't he when everything is paid for!! just need some advide on how to approach this on my end and stick to my guns as I am a softy, I will buckle and he prob knows that. We are currently renting the house we are in (council house) and I couldnt afford to go with the kids and rent a private house. I am currently living on nothing once everything is paid as it is. Just looking for some advice on how best to approach it and how to stick to my guns!! TIA

herbalplants

He needs to go simple as. First it is not healthy for kids to witness this either so if you don't want to do it for you, do it for them. You will have to remain calm and tell him this is over and he needs to move out. He will go mad but it shall pass. Have the police number in your phone and ring them if he gets out of hand.

Dogsdodogsstuff

Have you any family or good friends you can talk to or get support from ?

Can you make small decisions/choices that , over time , can help you sort of prepare longer term for a life without him ? Maybe small changes will add up eventually and make it easier.

Must be hard on the children aswell, anything you can do to protect yourself (emotionally aswell as physically) and the kids is obviously important.

You mentioned your husband drinking on weekends, I don’t know him but I am familiar with alcoholism and it’s not about how much you drink, but how it affects your life. Why you are drinking and if you are unable to stop even when it’s causing problems in your life.

If you sort of feel sorry for your partner , it’s understandable, but your priority is your children and yourself.

Xterminator

He needs to go simple as.

No he does not. Ive read the IOPs post carefully. he is "he is in no way a bad father or anything ".

If he posted here i would give him the advice do not leave the home. It is his home as much as hers. He has no obligation to leave.

OP - i understand you wish to end the relationship - formally. You can agree to be parents without being husband and wife. You are entitled to be happy and to seek happiness. But breaking up a marriage does not come without consequences. For him, for you, for the children.

And that doesn't mean he has to leave. Im sure a legal expert would say to him, dont leave without agreement. OP says he has a family home , IE could move in with his parents. But didn't say if they have family they could live with? Further there is no default reason for father to give up famaily home or primary custody. They are equal parents and equal partners.

I think mediation might be a good way to find a way forward that try's to minimize the hurt and consequences, especially for the children, who should be protected from negative consequences. Link below.

https://www.legalaidboard.ie/en/our-services/family-mediation/

If he is a good father and you are a good mother there is hope you can agree on what is best for the children. One thing i do know, you cannot run two homes for the same cost as running one. But add in legal battles and the cost of trying to both have a home to share custody and the expenses ramp up.

Good luck.

herbalplants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122574412#Comment_122574412

You are funny. As if Family mediation will help! Delusional

Deregos.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058367274/how-do-i-get-out-of-unhappy-marriage

Is marriage counselling out of the question? His drinking would have to stop of course, but if he did is there any chance of talking it all out or is there lots of other unmentioned issues too?

I feel for the children, parents separating in that situation where there's bad communication between them always has very harsh, negative and deeply emotional psychological affects on the children.

Is there any small flicker of love left between you that could be a starting point towards reconciliation?

Xterminator

Mediation is not only to repair a marriage.

They can help with a non adversarial approach to working out practical arrangements for the interim between seperation and divorce. Who stays, who goes, who gets how much custody, child minding arrangements, how the money is handled etc. Its practical and worth a shot.

If a couple use solicitors for the process then it becomes expensive and adversarial in nature. EG a winner and a loser. And its not a good idea to screw over the childrens other parent, whom you have to get along with for the next decade or more.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122577607#Comment_122577607

Just to clarify for others who may not be aware, mediation is specifically not to repair a marriage at all, it's designed to help couples who have already agreed to separate figure out how to do so as fairly and amicably as possible. In fact, mediators are trained to stop a session if it becomes clear that one or both parties are actually hoping to reconcile.

It does sound as if the OP's mind is made up, but I would always recommend couple's counselling before they go any further, if only to demonstrate to the court further down the line that they tried everything.

And as Xterminator has already pointed out, the OP has no right to demand her husband leave the home and any solicitor worth their salt that he might engage will specifically advise him not to. Having said that, I have no idea whether the law treats the (normally inviolate) family home when it's rented rather than owned by the couple. OP needs legal advice regardless.

CatLick

Mediation can be worthwhile if both parties are willing to compromise. However both parties would likely still be married if that was the case. You'll know by the 2nd session if it's going to work in any case....